How to Get and Keep the Person You Desire

[Weeblie]

Hi Rhonda,

 

I was dating this guy for about a month, when he suddenly ended things. I don't even know what went wrong. He said that we'd just be better off as friends. We never even slept together! I wanted to, but he said that he didn't want to rush things and end up hurting me.

 

It's been four months since then. I keep seeing him around school and he's always staring at me. One time he complimented my haircut, another time he came up to me, squeezed my arm and said see you around. Aside from saying hello, I haven't tried to talk to him.

 

I want to though. Kind of hope that we could try again. Would it be a bad idea to call him up and ask him out to coffee? Or do you think that it's pretty much over and I should just leave him as is?

[answersguy]

Rhonda,

 

I've been with my SO for a little over 9 months. The first three months were phenominal with no problems. At that point, an ex started trying to get her back and she considered it without telling me until later. She has long since cut communications with him completely and assures me that I am the only man she wants. There are times where she gets a little distant since then and I'm not sure if it's related to that or not. She doesn't seem to need the same ammount of affection and sexual attention as I do and since the problem a few months back, the affection thing has been a bigger deal to me. How can I go about adding physical contact on a more consistant basis (it's about once a week right now) if it's even possible. I've always used that as a guage of the relationships health so it makes me a little insecure when it's not a common thing but all of her friends tell me since I've come along she's the happiest she's ever been.

[skyblue1]

Hello Rhonda, Thank you very much for giving us advice.

 

Just a quick question i really fancy this guy we have been very casual with eachother. I was just wondering if the relationship could be more than just lust. Do you think it can lead to anything more? I am scard to tell him how i feel. If i can do anything to make him know how i feel how should i be around him?

 

Thank you

[Beec]

Warhuhwow

Don't send a letter. Like I told the previous poster, try to be more seductive with her. When she's talking, gaze into her eyes and tell her how pretty she is. Make some kind of body contact, like brushing her hair to the side while she's talking. See how she reacts. Or ask her to do something activity-wise that's a little more romantic than you usually do as friends. I know you're anxious about it but you have to try to work through your anxiety and go for it or you may regret that you never took the chance. You don't see her a lot anyway so it won't be so terrible if it doesn't work out.

Rhonda Findling

 

Daisy77

I'm glad you like my website. I liked that article too. Now that you understand the pattern try to stay on top of it. If a guy is distancing don't cling. If you see that you're pursuing a man who's not that interested, then just STOP. Try to only date or hang out with men who are not distancers and seem interested in you. Anytime you see yourself falling into that masochistic position (referring to that article) get out of the situation. Make your self-esteem mental health your priority.

Rhonda Findling

 

Question regarding something that's a bit theoretical. Many times on will hear suggestions about just being yourself, and that if things are meant to be they will be. People who offer such suggestions are likely to call acting as you suggest above game playing. One the other had, being seductive can just flat out work. Moreover, if someone responds positively to what you do, why would the "game playing" be bad.

 

Anyway, my question concerns the extent you think one should go to in modifying their behavioir to obtain and keep someone. What are the boundaries? How do you recognize them?

[kamurj]

redpoppy99

Part of getting married and committing to one woman is having to give up other women. I understand that it's a feeling of deprivation you may have to struggle with from the loss of being able to kiss other women or even have sex with them. But you have to make a choice. If you don't want to destroy or sabotage your relationship or marriage, you just can't be kissing other girls. If you feel this is too much to give up, then don't get married. If getting married to this woman is more important, then you need to struggle through your feelings of loss for your bachelorhood.

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

skyblue1

Sometimes relationships based on sex can lead somewhere and sometimes they don't. It's a roll of the dice. See if he wants to ever go anyplace with you like the movies or dinner. If he doesn't and he just wants to hang out at your place or his, that's a major sign it's not going anywhere. Yes, you can do something. You can tell him exactly how you feel about this situation. However, be prepared that you may hear something rejecting like "there's no future" or some kind of lecture like that. I prefer just seeing if he meets your lesser demands like doing other things other than having sex, so there doesn't have to be a big dramatic emotional scene or showdown. If a man doesn't want to take you to the movies or go out to dinner etc, then I wouldn't bother having the big "share my feelings" discussion with him.

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

answersguy

All you can do is share your feelings with her, even your disappointments and needs that you feel frustrated that aren't being met. After all, this is a relationship. If she can't meet your needs or doesn't want to meet your needs, then you're either going to have to accept this relationship as a total compromise and be frustrated in certain ways because the relationship seems to be meeting your needs in other ways. Your other solution is to end the relationship and look for somebody who is more gratifying and makes you happier.

[Cadence308]

Dear Rhonda,

 

I am a woman who in the past 3 years has come to identify as lesbian. There was an older woman whom I met at the beginning of my coming out who I'm sure is a lesbian. We hung out a few times socially and I think the chemistry was there, however, I also think she had a girlfriend because she would occasionally drop words like "we," etc. But, she was also always asking me about my dating life like every time I saw her.

 

To make a long story short, we were never able to talk things out and she could tell that I was having sexuality issues. We have been in no contact for 2 years now. I have since had a relationship with a woman that ended. I'm now living in the same city as this older woman and want very much to be back in touch with her. I've seen her driving a few times and this past Sunday she was standing RIGHT in front of me at the Starbucks inside Barnes & Noble bookstore. I was TOO nervous to say anything. I am sure that she saw me, but not sure at what point.

 

I am thinking of going back to this coffee shop this Sunday at the same time. I am hoping to run into her again. I don't know what to say to her or should I just ignore her? It seems like ignoring her is playing mind games and I'm not into that. I am just trying to become friends again because I still have a thing for her.

 

Thank you in adance.

[dani_katze]

Hi Rhonda,

I read that you think that is good when a women take the initiative. But I did this in the past and I got so much rejection. Have you any advice to women that want to take the initiative, but without so much failure?

 

Another and last question. I'm 32 years old, single, no kids, pretty and nice, but can't find someone to share my life with. I don't want to have a fling, but I really would like someone who I feel big chemistry and pasion with. You said that is better to look for it, than to wait. I don't have much places to look for. I've my work, some hobbies and I'm trying to enjoy a trekking group too. But do you think that pubs, discoteques and internet are good places to look for? I'm asking about this, because I looked on those places during a long time and all I found were guys who wanted just to get laid.

 

Thank you in advance for your advice.

 

Cheers from Chile

Daniela

[danman4968]

Howdy Rhonda!

 

So, I want a relationship...but i dont want to go through the same thing i had to last time (an ugly break) but you see...there is still alot of self discovery and changing the girls i date and i still have to do...im not sure what to do...i know im still young...but i want someone with the same emotional matureness as i...that is next to impossible to find (not to brag)...ive yet to meet a girl who can even remotely connect and share the same experiences...i dont want to wait and i dont know how to "put myself out there". Any suggestions? thanks.

 

dan

[Asphyxia]

hi..Rhonda.

 

basically, i've had a crush on a girl for 3 years sort of on and off (getting over it and then having it come back at me). I dont know what it is about her i cant just leave it alone. I've always had "bad timing" with this girl as shes either had a boyfriend or didnt seem into dating.. or whatever, its probably just me, im an idiot and i dont take advantage of opportunities. Anyways. i just want to skip all the {mod edit} and get straight to the situation at hand..

This girl i see alot more now. She used to work and had co-op last sem. so it was hard to talk to her at all. Shes single, shes basically wide open right now, i think.. and i always see her around, but im afraid. i dont know. Ill tell you why.. Shes a year older (doesnt matter really) and she has all these random friends outside of regular friends i know and i dont know if she has feelings for someone or she plans on dating someone or simply isnt looking for someone like me. I know im being unnecessarily negative but thats how i feel. I dont know why i still love her like this. Even after former friends of hers told me about how hypocritical she was and a bunch of other things that turned me off for a bit. Then i forgot about all that and realized i didnt give a {mod edit}.. Another thing is, i've tried to sort of flirt with her and whatnot but i just dont feel that she expects me to come on to her since we've been friends for so long.. so it seems like its always just stupid friend crap we do.. like we both say "i love you" when we leave each other.. only mine is real. But then i get to keep that voice and that line in my head all day!.. Anyways, i just want to know if it would be a good idea to just tell her how i feel, without causing tension in our friendship at least. It would be the most amazing thing to ever happen in my life if we finally got together on Valentines day ha! i should stop being so idealistic, its painful. I just want some advice as to what i should do? to think? etc. because theirs always something i dont think about or whatever. help?

[lizziebee]

Hi Rhonda and thank you in advance.

 

I met the man of my dreams on a website. It was not a conventional website as we were both looking for a sex partner. Long story short: We met, had sex, and have been in a wonderful, fun, funny, sexual relationship for 7 months. After reading this thru, I see that of course this looks like we are entirely based on sex. Granted it may have started that way but we have a lot in common, except of course our sexual history. We do everything together. We have been almost inseperable as we live alomst 2 hours away from each other. We have met our families and everyone says how perfect we are together....Here it is. Before he met me he had quite a sexual history, a broken marriage and a relationship that started before the official end of his marriage. He is still great pals with his ex (divorced almost 6 years) she and I have spoken I she is great. It is when he speaks of his ex gf that I find in bad taste. HOrrible name calling, describes things she used to do...mostly pointing to the fact that he could not trust her. In our beginning everything was fine, see one another Friday thru Sun then our own ways the rest of the week. Then his jealousy started to come out. SERIOUS ranting about where I was, who I was going to see, 'lets just end it now so I can hurt now and get it over with' I would wind up in tears unable to focus on what he is saying. And finally pulling myself together when - well it seemed when he was done crushing me. He has asked me to move in with him, then he asks me to "stay" with him. I am terribly confused and bothered by the fact that it is almost like he wants to take me on as someone who "stays" with him, rather than his girlfriend who has moved in with him. We have talked about his rages before and I think it is because of how and where we met, partly anyway, but deep down I have to wonder if he likes women at all, does he respect them or is he just looking to bad mouth them and have them worship him?

[kamurj]

Quick note that this thread will close a day earlier than I originally announced due to time constrains and the volume of questions. Instead of Wednesday we will be finishing it today. So if you have a question for Rhonda please post it by this afternoon and thank you.

[Steven1607307306]

Hello Rhonda,

I had a question for you about my relationship with my girlfriend. We are very comfortable around each other when we are alone, but when it comes to being around a fairly large group of people, we hardly even make contact with each other. I've never had this problem before and I was just wondering what may cause this "group shyness" and how we can get over it.

[little_fish]

Dear Rhonda,

 

I have not had contact with my ex for over three months. How do I open communication lines again? What things should be addressed during our first conversation?

 

Thank you in advance.

[Momene]

I'm not Rhonda but it depends on whether you want "closure" on what went wrong or wish to try and get back together. If it's the latter, please don;t get your hopes up too high, as 3 months is a long time.

[cantexplain]

Dear Rhonda,

 

Sorry for all the details I just don't know which to ignore ..

 

Last year I asked a very good friend (of two years) out romantically and she came back and said (wrote actually) "I don't do romance for lack of a better word perhaps if we can better friends I can tell you what this means. Believe me I 've tried its just not in me. But by all means let's go out ... no expectations, no strings attached .. I tell all the guys this." I came back and said there are other more devoted people out there who are looking for a devoted type of person like me and who has only been involved in committed, sexual relationships and that at the very least she had saved our friendship. She came back and said that there other men in her life, too and that she liked and trusted me more.

 

After our final "calendared" outing she immediately (within 24 hours) got back together with her old boyfriend gone for two years. This was a quick affair - during which she invited me out to dinner and wine and reminded me of "no romance." I put this off. But a few weeks later she alluded to the fact that her boyfriend was gone and I was again invited to dinner - this time at her house. While there she spoke of their blow-up. This turned me off as if she was on the bounce or using he or I to play one another off - not only did I not make a move but also did not discuss what needed to be discussed - what does this "no romance" thing mean. After three hours we ended our casual talk, I hugged her and left. She said let's get together that week.

 

But after that dinner she stopped talking to me and responding to my calls and e-mail. After some time I got a bit angry and e-mailed her I thought it unfair to have left me, as a friend, who had expressed interest in greater intimacy, in this lurch of not knowing what "no romance" means. I said I respected her more than I respected myself and I shouldn't have waited until we become "better friends" to find out what this meant. She said she had already told me more than what she tells other guys and what she really means is "no relationships -- just friends." She added that she'd been engaged twice and that should really be all that I needed to know.

 

Rhonda, I am confused if this is just where she needs to start OR if I am dealing with someone who a) really just wants nothing but friendship from me, b) has an emotional obstacle to committed relationships, in particular with me. At this time she knows my heart is confused and broken and I am distancing myself. She has not contacted me since I made this clear.

 

Thanks for your time and insight,

 

cantexplain

[kamurj]

Wiskiknew

 

Don't be friends with her. You're too available. Unfortunately people often need space and fantasy to desire someone. She's taking your devotion for granted. If you disappeared from her life there is the possibility she will start missing you and regret her decision. Thats one of the reasons why women like bad boys. They are usually unavailable to a certain extent. I'm not guaranteeing that distancing from her will get you back but being too available will almost certainly not get her back. Just to let you know, as a dating coach I've helped many men get into relationships with women that they were happy with - if you or other men on this thread with the same kind of issues would like to consider contacting me for individual coaching.

 

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

Daniela

 

Guys get rejected all the time for taking the initiative so women have to go through it too if they want to be pro active in seeking men. You only need one man to reciprocate your feelings. Look anywhere you can such as night clubs, internet, parties, organizatoins, charity events, introductions. Wherever there is an opportunity to meet someone new.

 

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

Ballys Veteran,

 

There seems to be a theme on this thread of both men and women who want to connect with other people but are afraid. In the romance game, you have to take risks or nothing is going to happen. Just have a good support system if you take a chance and it doesn't work out. Mourn and grieve it and move on if it doesn't work out. I think its okay for you to give her a big hello and "how are you" when you see her. You're not telling her you love her, you're just being friendly. Sometimes people are afraid of feeling humiliated if they get rejected try to deal with what would cause your feelings of humiliation if you were to be blown off by somebody you barely know. So some of this could be about you and your sensitivity about rejection then the actual reality of someone not recipricating your interest.

 

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

Danman

 

Like I told other people, you have to put yourself out there. If you're still in school, join clubs, try out for athletic teams, audition for theater club or school plays, chorus, work on the newspaper, run for study body government. You need to meet more girls and people.

 

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

Beec,

 

I don't think its healthy to twist yourself into a pretzel for someone. If you have to change too much, its not worth it because then you're not "you" anymore. Then whats the point?

 

Rhonda Findling

[dani_katze]

Thanks Rhonda for your advice. One more question please. Last year I bought the book "The Rules", would like to know if in your opinion is good to follow those rules to attract someone. If not, why and what book you wrote would you suggest me to be my guide.

 

Thanks again.

Daniela

[kamurj]

Steven

Try to think about why you're afraid to display affection with other people. Are you embarrassed about your relationship or that you're in a relationship or your girlfriend? Try to take baby steps like just holding her hand for a few minutes in front of people. Try looking at each other for just a couple of minutes. Maybe when you see that it's okay and you feel comfortable you'll overcome your group shyness.

 

Rhonda Findling

[freedom]

How to Get and Keep the Person You Desire... what is the point when they dont desire you? Do we make then desire us artifically? and when we show our true selves we're not desirable. Is it a game?