How do I Deal with her lingering feelings for her affair partner?

[twopercenter]

Married 10+ years

2 kids under 10

 

 

It's been almost two months since I discovered my wife's affair. As is often the case, her affair partner was someone I knew, too. In fact, I would have called him a friend up until December 18th.

 

The affair was more than a one night stand (15 months) and would probably be continuing right now if I hadn't discovered it.

 

We are still together - have resolved to try and salvage our relationship. We have attended couples counseling, been reading books and doing a lot of talking.

 

Although I have no way of knowing if this is true or not, she swears she has had no contact with him since the first week following my discovery apart from a chance meeting several weeks ago in public.

 

I know she still has strong feelings for him. This is hard for me to deal with. I'm giving everything I have to make this work, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle at times.

 

I know it'll take her some time to get over him, but I don't know if I can keep on working as hard as I am so long as she's carrying the torch for him.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. i am sorry these circumstances brought you here. Did you tell this to your counselor?

 

I know it'll take her some time to get over him, but I don't know if I can keep on working as hard as I am so long as she's carrying the torch for him.

 

Maybe it would be good for you to go to some sessions by yourself.

 

I wish I could wave a wand and make things better for you. This sounds like it will be really hard to move past.

[twopercenter]

 

Maybe it would be good for you to go to some sessions by yourself.

 

I wish I could wave a wand and make things better for you. This sounds like it will be really hard to move past.

 

I am going to sessions with a psychologist to help me deal with my feelings.

 

I wish she were going also. It might help her see the relationship she had in a more realistic light. I'm pretty sure she would completely refuse to if I suggested it.

[DN]

You say that you know she still has strong feelings for him but how do you know that? Has she explicitly or implicitly said so? It is easy to project how you think a partner should feel rather than talking to her and finding out from her own mouth.

 

I take it that part of the counselling is to discover why she cheated and how you can be reasonably assured she won't do it again?

[twopercenter]

You say that you know she still has strong feelings for him but how do you know that? Has she explicitly or implicitly said so? It is easy to project how you think a partner should feel rather than talking to her and finding out from her own mouth.

 

I take it that part of the counselling is to discover why she cheated and how you can be reasonably assured she won't do it again?

 

She has told me herself that she still has these feelings and that they will take time to get over.

[Lady Bugg]

Ouch..sorry to hear this.

 

Is her affair partner married also? If so, does his spouse know about the affair?

I give you a LOT of credit for trying to work things out. Many people would just walk.

 

Not sure if it's possible to EVER fully get over something like this, but I know that MANY couples marriages have become stronger after an affair because it forced them to REALLY look at what they were doing wrong and to REALLY start talking again...which was probably something that led them astray to begin with. Truthfully..the affair partner is the one who should be doing all the necessary work to gain your trust back. Is she doing anything to show you she is NOT in contact with him anymore? Does she get defensive? Is she truly remorseful about this? I would think if someone were sincere about working things out, they would whatever was necessary to make that happen...ie, counseling etc..... These are just a few things I wanted to throw out there....

I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there...

[twopercenter]

Ouch..sorry to hear this.

 

Is her affair partner married also? If so, does his spouse know about the affair?

 

He is recently divorced.

 

I give you a LOT of credit for trying to work things out. Many people would just walk.

 

Thanks. I don't know why, but it's encouraging to hear those words.

Not sure if it's possible to EVER fugoing to trylly get over something like this, but I know that MANY couples marriages have become stronger after an affair because it forced them to REALLY look at what they were doing wrong and to REALLY start talking again...which was probably something that led them astray to begin with. Truthfully..the affair partner is the one who should be doing all the necessary work to gain your trust back. Is she doing anything to show you she is NOT in contact with him anymore? Does she get defensive? Is she truly remorseful about this? I would think if someone were sincere about working things out, they would whatever was necessary to make that happen...ie, counseling etc..... These are just a few things I wanted to throw out there....

I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there...

 

 

If there's one thing she could be doing, it's showing me more remorse for what she's done. I think she still feels that the affair was justified by my failure to meet her emotional needs.

 

I am encouraged by her willingness to go to more counseling if that's what I want, but I don't think she'd make the first move to suggest that.

 

She is accountable for her time when she's away from home and gives me the opportunity to question her without becoming defensive.

 

I am hoping that our relationship can be rebuilt from the wreckage it is currently in. We are both willing to try. We are certainly doing a lot of talking and spending time together. We have had more meaningful conversations in last 2 months than we've had in the past seven years.

 

I'm hoping that her feelings for her affair partner will fade before my willingness to work on this does. That's all.

[Sheeps]

The huge positive that you can take is that she has chosen YOU. You've jointly decided to save the relationship - she could have made a different choice. Build on that choice and positive feeling. I know it will be hard but the trust has to be rebuilt. Good luck.

[iceman85]

You ask how you can get over the lingering feeling about her affair partner.

 

As hard as this is the solution here is you have to forgive her, totally. I know how intensly hard that is. But if you dont do that you always will have lingering feelings about this. You dont have to forget about what happened and shouldnt.

 

But do your best not to hold this against her, dont let it influence your behavior, and get in the middle of trying to fix everything.

 

Politley ask your wife to not talk about this other man. Explain to her how much it hurts, and that you want to move past this.

 

If you can forgive her, it will open up a new level of love. Total forgiveness here will show her that you really love her, hopefully she can then reciprocate to you.

 

Think of it as letting the present be the present, and the past being the past. And not allowing them to cross paths. The present is you are with your wife who you love and you are working on making your relationship better. Dont let that past interfere, it already did once, dont let it continue to.

 

I dont know if any of us have the strength needed to totally forgive someone after such an event. I hope it all works out. Continue to go to these sessions and just let everything out.

[twopercenter]

 

As hard as this is the solution here is you have to forgive her, totally. I know how intensly hard that is. But if you dont do that you always will have lingering feelings about this. You dont have to forget about what happened and shouldnt.

 

Iceman,

 

It would be so much easier to forgive her if she didn't still have feelings for him. If this affair had been ended by her or her affair partner instead of me discovering it in full bloom, that would be easier too.

 

I am in to much pain right now to forgive. All I can do is hang on and try to build some positive bridges over the gap between us.

[Rabican]

I am going to sessions with a psychologist to help me deal with my feelings.

 

I wish she were going also. It might help her see the relationship she had in a more realistic light. I'm pretty sure she would completely refuse to if I suggested it.

 

After what she did, if shes not willing to do this for you then honestly bro, the relationship isnt worth salvaging.

 

She should be walking on hot coals and bending over backwards for you to make things right. Therapy? yes, Im there husband I OWE it to you to go. No contact with the other guy, absolutely... Im sorry and thats what ill do to make it right. You want to check my email, sure thing. After all I duped you for a year and a half. You get my point?

 

She should be doing E V E R Y T H I N G in her power to fix your relationship. Personally I would have already left, but thats just me.

[Northalius]

Well, do you want to be with a woman that doesn't fully love you? If she has feelings for another man, she obviously doesn't love you much. If she did, she'd have denied the guy, come to you and openly speak up about what's lacking in the relationship; seek ways to fix it, through conversations with you, and counseling... NOT CHEATING ON YOU WITH ANOTHER MAN.

 

Love is an action, not just a word. Her actions have spoken loud and clear. And remember, as you said, she'd most likely still be doing this behind your back if you didn't find out yourself. It's not like her own guilt overcame her, she came to you before you found out on your own, and sought to fix the marriage.

 

Again, do you want to be with a woman that doesn't love you?

 

Do you want to be with a woman that you'll most likely never trust again?

 

It's nice seeing how you'd try and stick it out, try and get counseling; but remember, marriage is a two way street, not one. She has already shown you what road she has chosen to go down in the past, and I don't think there's any going back.

 

I know, I'm pointing out the negatives, but, I think the negatives are just the reality of this situation... sadly.

 

Just my opinion, however. Take it as it is.

[radioheader]

wow...i have been thru exactly what you are describing...my husabnd was caught in his affair...the other woman's husband called me to tell me about it and then i confronted him...that is when he finally stopped denying it!

 

that was back in the summer of 05....fast forward to now...we decided to try to make it work and he moved back in jan 06...he started having confusion after about a 3 months back home...he confessed he still had feelings for her. so we hit counseling hard adn he tried to address why...they basically go thru a withdrawal period b/c the feelings of the affair was like an addiction...they have to get over that excitement (not reality) and come back down to the real world...

 

this is easier said than done for them...they created a bind with another person...it is like a death...a loss of a relationship...there is a good website someone else on this site reccomended:

 

link removed

 

check it out...lots of info...the bottom line is that she needs to stay away and have NC with his other man. this site says that once they see each other or talk to each other, the process of withdrawal starts all over for them.

 

there is a good book called not "just friends" by shirley glass that i have recommended to several on this site...i think it would be a good read for you too if you have the time.

 

with all that said...my husband said that he is suppposedly over her totally now and committed to me and our family but it took over a year for him to get to this point...it is such a long and hard road to travel...and don't forget to give yourself time to forgive....it will happen gradually as she proves herself by her actions (and her feeling fade for him) ...you can't will forgiveness and trust back onto yourself...i'm still working thru that stuff...

 

read that webiste and grab that book if you can....good luck!

[twopercenter]

...they basically go thru a withdrawal period b/c the feelings of the affair was like an addiction...they have to get over that excitement (not reality) and come back down to the real world...

 

..it is such a long and hard road to travel...and don't forget to give yourself time to forgive....it will happen gradually as she proves herself by her actions (and her feeling fade for him) ...you can't will forgiveness and trust back onto yourself...i'm still working thru that stuff...

 

 

Thanks for this supportive post. I can see where some of the others can't see any way to forgive this betrayal - I admit I am having a lot of trouble imagining a day when I will be past this.

 

Yes, she did a terrible thing to me. Call me a fool if you like, but I cannot accept the notion that she doesn't love me because she did this.

 

People make mistakes. I'm one of them and I know how easy it is to become attracted to the point of an affair.

 

How?

 

Well, it happened to me about 9 years ago. I ended it before it became a full - blown affair with sexual intercourse, but I never told my wife about it. I just carried the guilt around with me. It made me feel I wasn't worthy of my marriage and caused me to become withdrawn and probably contributed to the reasons she went out and had an affair herself.

 

Since finding out about her affair, I have told her about the affair I had so many years ago. I explained that I had a certain amount of empathy toward her since I'd been there myself.

 

I'm sure some of you out there are thinking that I'm getting what I deserve now. That may be true.

 

I prefer to think that I am strong because I am staying with her, not weak. The easiest thing in the world to do would be to just kick her to the curb, but given my past, that wouldn't be very fair would it?

 

Affairs are never justifiable, but they are understandable - and if they are understandable then they must be forgivable.

[Northalius]

Ah, I see now. Well, this was and is a communication issue then. You said you had an affair years ago, and held the guilt in; if you've read my posts about whether to tell your partner about cheating, you'll see I strongly stand for telling them the truth... for a reason. It's their right to decide to stay with you in light of the truth, or not. Now, you bring up a good point to add on to this: guilt held within will lead to other problems, which'll lead your partner to do things you'll hate, as well. Then it's a big mess.

 

So both of you cheated on each other, thereforeeee you can identify with each other now. I'd say that's better ground to stay and try to make it work, then. You'd only be a hypocrite if you were to leave her in light of her cheating on you; when you, yourself, cheated on her years ago, as well. So, I'd say it's best you stay and try to work it out... as long as she puts in the effort, as well; if she doesn't, then it has to end, because it's just a waste of time. It takes two to tango, after all.

 

I wish you'd have said this in your first post!