Need To Make This Better...please Help

[NSY991]

Hi. I'm brand new and could use some advice.

 

I have been romantically interested in someone for about six months.

The feeling is mutual but we have been unable to really pursue things

because he travels a lot and basically both our schedules are pretty busy.

 

Anyway,we do talk almost everyday either via email, or phone. Sometimes

he calls and leaves messages if he can't reach me and it makes my day.

 

My issue is that I get SO emotional sometimes and it has caused us a lot of conflict. I over react if he is unable to get back to me when I want him to..

and of course I blow up at him. I am simply frustrated because I wish our relationship would progress.

 

Last week hit a boiling point. I was drinking with my girlfriends earlier in the evening and later I tried calling him. No answer. So I blew his phone up.

He then sent me a letter saying it was over. He couldn;t take it anymore.

 

 

Well..I slept on it. The next day I found out my father had a massive heart attack. He passed away a few hours later. I was and am devastated. On top of that i felt like a total idiot for what I did with my b/f. So I sent him

a sincere apology letter and of course told him of my father. he then sent back condolences stating he had lost his father to a heart attack as well.

 

Since last week he has been EXTREMELY thoughtful and sweet.Sending me

emails saying he's thinking of me, and it makes me feel more horrible for the way I acted.

 

So tonight I had a setback. I have been crying all day. I asked Josh if I could call him to talk....this was his response:

 

I understand you're sad.....and I really want to help.

But I'm not ready to chat....there was a lot of negativity last week....and I'd just

as soon take some time to think about the direction I'm heading.

But rest assured....I think about you often and still most certainly have hopes.

That's important for you to know...

 

Me

 

I said I understand and to take all the time he needs.

 

 

Does this situation have hope? What can i do to make this better? Thank you.

[TiredMan]

I am sorry for your father as well. That sounds very rough. You have my condolescences for that.

 

In terms of the relationship, it sounds like the whole overbearing thing made him very hurt and resentful. Sure there is always hope but don't force him into it. Give him the space he asked for. In the meantime, address the whole situation where you explode on him. THat is not healthy for you or anyone else.

[NSY991]

Thank you TiredMan. It has ben very very hard. I'm hanging in there.

 

I will work on trying to be more patient and understanding.If anyone can give me tips on that I would be grateful.

[Drizown]

The fact that he said there is still hope is a good thing.

 

He needs space BUT i think it would be wise to tell him what you explained in this post and WHY you actually blew up and why there was all that negativity.

 

Tell him how YOU feel about the relationship and how you wish it were progressing more and how that and the fact that you are frustrated and possibly alcohol was an influence (wasn't really specified) snowballed into like you said a boiling point. You can only swallow feelings for so long until your upchuck reflex kicks in.

 

Knowing this might help him realize you're not overly emotional and "high maintenance" it's just these things have been built up for so long.

 

I'm sorry about your dad I can't immagine what that feels like. I'd say time heals all wounds but in reality time heals nothing but itself. Just cherish who you do have now

[NSY991]

Thank you Driz. That means a lot.

 

I have explained all this to him and he has said he can understand my frustration but he does not like the way I react to things. He has two young children from another marriage and his concern is that I would be like that with them, and he is completely justified for feeling like that.

 

I have told him quite a few times how much he means to me and his support

means more to me than he'll ever know. I really am grateful.I just hope he can get over all this. I miss him.

[Drizown]

Well it's good you put that out there. I think now the only thing left is to just appogize for not being there for him when it was needed but you need him now to trust that you've seen the error of your ways in your reactions and you don't like how it makes you feel either.

 

If he has all the information about the situation you just have to let him do with it what he will. I'm sure it will work out in the end.

[annie24]

Hi. I'm brand new and could use some advice.

 

I have been romantically interested in someone for about six months.

The feeling is mutual but we have been unable to really pursue things

because he travels a lot and basically both our schedules are pretty busy.

 

..............

 

On top of that i felt like a total idiot for what I did with my b/f. So I sent him

a sincere apology letter and of course told him of my father. he then sent back condolences stating he had lost his father to a heart attack as well.

 

I am very sorry to hear about your dad.

 

As for the guy.... what's interesting is that you start off the post by calling him your "romantic interest", but later in your post you call him your bf. Have you two ever gone on dates? are you two exclusive? it seems like there is a discrepancy here in what the relationship is, and what you want it to be.

 

How many times have you seen him in the past 6 months? is it a long distance relationship?

 

I see two possibilities.... either he really is that busy and can't handle a relationship.... or, he "isn't that into you" and thereforeeee isn't making the effort to come and see you. either way, it doesn't sound like a good situation.

 

how old are you guys? sorry for all the questions, but more info can help our understanding and maybe give you better advice.

[NSY991]

Thanks for making this a sticky.

 

To Annie: I am 29 and he is 42. The age difference is not important to me.

We see each other once every couple weeks but maintain a lot

of contact in between. I would love to have a"real"relationship

with him, not just a every once in a while dating thing.We have

not actually had sex yet, but yes we have been inimate

otherwise. This is mostly because the situation hasn't really

presented itself yet...and I have not really been ready.

 

Anyway.I really care about him a lot.He is a good friend.

Does NC apply in this situation? Should I wait for him to

make the moves now? Thanks.

[Caterina]

You are in a lot of pain right now. It sounds like he isn't willing to be emotionally ready for you when you go through difficult times of this calibur. That isn't his fault, but I think you need time to heal and grieve, sweetheart. *hugs*

[Beec]

Why he wanted to end it is pretty simple. But, understand one basic first: We go for those pople who give us emotional fullfilment, make us how we want or need to feel, make us feel appreciated, special, etc. AND they do it while remaining independent, aloof, not needy or clingy, and not imposing their emotions upon us. Your outburst imposed how you felt on him. If this is a busy man with a busy life, he needs a woman who can remain and be indepedent, and know that if and when he comes home, the act of him coming home to you is as significant as can be. When he has only a small amount of free time, his picking to spend it with you should be seen as BIG. But when it's not enough, when you feel alone too much, ignored too much, you had an outburst. Instead of doing so, next time withdraw.

 

In the immediate future, show some regret for imposing how you felt on him. And show some understanding about what kind of woman he needs. Express how you see that now, express how you need to become mroe independnet for yourself, and say nothing more. Then try to be that.

[annie24]

I think you shouldn't have sex with him until you are in a real relationship with him. I am not so concerned about the age gap, but I am concerned about seeing him only once in a while. It sounds like you want something more, a real relationship. And seeing each other only once every few weeks or months isn't that.

 

What is his job that he can't see you regularly? what is your job? I think it is entirely possible that he is "just not that into you" which is why he isn't making more of an effort. Is this a long-distance relationship?

 

Personally, I think I would just talk to him, and be upfront. If I were in your shoes at this point, I would say, "Hey - I want to know what's up. I like you, but I also want to be in a relationship, and if that isn't what you want, then I think we should move on."

 

I have a feeling though, since he has been so hard to get a hold of, it's possible he doesn't want a relationship with you, for whatever reason. that's why he is ok with this every once in a while thing.

[NSY991]

Thanks.

 

To Beec: I have expressed remorse to him, and am willing to give him the time he requested.

 

Annie: He travels because he's a software developer and is always doing seminars. It can't helped. He does initiate contact with me at least a few times a week, just to let me know he's thinking of me, so I believe he does like me, and it's not like he's getting sex, so I know it's not because of that.

I have told him how I feel, and HIS main concern, he says, is how I react to certain things...and is concerned I would be like that with his children (from another marriage). I know that is a REAL concern, and don;t blame him at all.

[NSY991]

Thanks Ellie. I appreciate it.

 

I agree with you. It is very fresh right now. His father died of a hart attack as well..and he has been very understanding of my pain, so right now I

am going through a lot of emotions. It's just very comforting knowing he is there for me...I guess that's what i would miss most.

[annie24]

So, this is just my opinion.... but I am somewhat distrustful of men who travel a lot for a living. Or at least, I don't want to be in a relationship with them. If he is so hard to get a hold of, and isn't making the time IN PERSON, when he is in town, to be with you, it makes me wonder if he is really into having a relationship with you. After 6 months of this, it sounds like he is not.

 

I have been in similar situations, where I was always sitting around....waiting. And eventually, I just got sick of it, it is not a satisfying type of relationship, at least not for me, so I just couldn't deal anymore and left. Not that there was anything real to "leave."

 

So, I wonder if you are his "backup plan." If you've had a "thing" for 6 months and it hasn't turned into bf/gf, especially since the both of you have expressed romantic interest for each other, I don't think there is a high chance of this working out.

 

I hate to be harsh, but from what you've said, this is kind of what it sounds like....

[Beec]

HIS main concern, he says, is how I react to certain things...and is concerned I would be like that with his children (from another marriage). I know that is a REAL concern, and don;t blame him at all.

 

This is all about you taking out your emotions on people. Since you take them out on him, why would he think you would be otherwise with his children? This is the same area you need to realize that needs to change. There's nothign wrong with how you feel, if you want or need mroe attention, then that's ok. If you can become more independet, great. If not you may need to move on to find another guy. But you getting frustrated and taking things out on someone, that is allabout finding ways to let people know how you feel, and it's not a positive way. Moreover, in this case, it was done because you want more from him.

[Caterina]

I disagree with part of this. I think that if you are truly loved, the person is willing to put up with certain faults. Although, I do think that independent people need other independent people...but there is nothing wrong with expressing emotions...both negative or positive...expression is a form of communication that is healthy and often leads to true reconciliation. Your idea of what men want sounds really selfish...its all about what women do for you (make you feel special) but its bad if they impose their emotions on you. Thats not a relationship and its not realistic.

However, if you recognize a problem...he tells you that you're too emotional...you should first ask yourself if its true. If it is true, you should implement strategies of change and NC him for a while until you feel more emotionally stable. If you think that other people wouldn't mind this part of your personality then keep it and get rid of him.

I agree with annie on the questionable nature of a guy who is never around.

Overall, you need people who will support you as you go through this. Is he doing that? You know the answer.

[NSY991]

He HAS been around......he just said right now he is not ready to talk on the phone because of how negative things were last week. Otherwise he has been good about emailing me and making sure I am ok.

I have considered ending things with him and discussed this with him.

 

I think for now I will do NC for a week or so and see what happens from there. I think it would be good for both of us.

[NSY991]

Thanks so much for everyones insight. I will update you all in a week or so and let you know know how things are going.

[Caterina]

It sounds like you're convincing yourself. E-mailing is really impersonal. But you know your own situation better then I do so best of luck hon.

[Beec]

When you begin to call someone and have an outburst because of how you feel, then you expect things to change because of how you feel. Your emotions are the central thing to that exchange. Isn't that the very definition of something that is self-centered? Isn't this nothing but demanding from someone that they take certain actions because of how you feel? If not, then please explain how I am mistaken in that idea.

 

Isn't the whole purpose of a relationship finding someone who gives you what you need, not someone you demand it from in emotional tirades? Because if you need and emotional tirade, that's just not good and healthy communication, that's you thinking that yelling at someone, who in this case did nothing really wrong, is justifiable. Yelling just to get your way as a practice is a very selfish way of communication. Is that really the part of your personaility that you want to keep?

 

As NYS991 descrbed it, this was hardly a relationship, as I would think of it. He seemed to have some attachment, etc. but there was no real relationship. No process though which their lives had begun to intertwine, just a friendly ear on the phone. Want to drive that ear away, yell at it, it will leave.

[Scout]

Hi...first, I am so sorry about your father's recent passing away. You will find eNotalone is a wonderful forum to get grief support, and you may even want to post a separate thread about that in the Grief and Bereavement forum. This is going to be a very difficult time for you, regardless of your relationship status with anyone else, and so you should try to get as much support here as you can. ((HUGS))

 

Ok, on to your current situation. I am very much in agreement with Beec's last post on this, and think you should read that post very carefully so you will avoid such emotional outbursts in the future, and also get a realistic handle on what you two basically had with each other so you can compare that with your expectations (I think you'll find some imbalance there). Regardless, emotional tantrums/outbursts will rarely serve you well, and of course, are upsetting and unfair to whoever is the recipient. And I don't get the feeling that at heart, you're the kind of person who likes to upset others. You just need to control the actions your emotions instigates. This isn't the same as controlling your emotions, which is almost impossible to do. However, it is entirely possible to learn how to not act on them. So, that's about the end of my lecture to you on this.

 

Now, I personally think your guy's last email was honest, and about as encouraging as it's going to get. He needs time and space, and I am sure he feels guilty about needing this time and space at such a difficult juncture for you with your father just passing away. HOWEVER, I feel his intention is to let the bad feelings clear a bit, so that at a later point, he can reconnect with you and see how you're doing.

 

I know it would be great to have his support right now on a full-time basis, but you're not going to get it. The truth is, even if you hadn't had the fight, you wouldn't be getting it, because it sounds like he's just got a very full schedule most of the time. In fact, this is what led to your upset feelings, remember?

 

What I think you should do is find other sources of support to help deal with your father's passing away, as that is the central issue in your life right now, not this guy. In time, you two may become friends again, and that would be lovely. Perhaps you might even re-engage your romantic relationship, but I can't say yes or no if that will be best for you. It seems you need someone who is more available. That's not a wrong or right against either one of you, it's just what it is.

[Caterina]

I think it depends on the situation. Sure, someone who is always having outbursts and who is always yelling is not someone that anyone wants to be around and understandably so. Its not only selfish but also rude and overbearing.

However, I was under the impression that you said that there should be no emotionalism at all. That is something I certainly disagree with. I think the idea of a woman who is aloof and independent is only good in the beginning stages of a relationship. In a real relationship that is deep and developed over time, I think that emotionalism is a large part of it...and yes, considering that we are human beings with flaws...sometimes people express anger. No one wants a relationship with frequent yelling, but sometimes people who are under extreme stress because of something that the SO is doing or even from something as horrible as a loss of a parent do yell... its quite normal and to be expected.

[Beec]

Emotions when expressed in a relationship, should be most often ones of giving, not wanting them returned. If you give and act like you don't need them, and don't demand tham, then will come back to you. If you give and expect that they will be given back to you immeidatly, you are not really giving at all. You are expecting there to be some sort of trade, a swap.

 

This is not really love. Love gives, it doesn't seek to take. When love can no longer give, it just disappears, instead of throw a tantrum. the old adage about setting something you love free is true. Give someone love, then let them know they can do as they wish, and you will have really given to them, AND it will probably be returned.

[NSY991]

I admit, I DID become emotional with him. Yes it was a VERY selfish act.

I really am NOT like that ona day to day basis. As I said, it had sort of come to a boiling point. I have said I'm sorry and I really am. I have also expressed my gratitude for him being there in this hard time...however he has said he is unable to talk to me right now, which...while hurtful..I understand, and need to respect that.

 

Scout: Thank you for the input. I agree I should seek support outside of this

relationship. Maybe we will come back together, but I suppose that shouldn't be my concern at this point in time. I will focus on myself and my grief for the time being.

[Scout]

Well, it's only natural that you would like the support of someone you care about very much. I just get the feeling that even before all this happened, that was at the root of your anxieties...that he wasn't around enough to fulfill your needs.

 

It's not a crime to need someone to be available! However, it's unrealistic to expect someone to be available if after a certain period of time, they've shown that's not likely to happen. I think you were holding onto things when maybe you should have stepped away sooner, before your frustration with the situation got the better of you.

 

But hey, which one of us hasn't stuck with something longer than was probably better for us? I certainly can't exclude myself from that group!

 

And again, you DO have unlimited support during this difficult time here.