why did i cheat emotionally?

[Kaede]

Ok... last summer my husband left me and our 3yr old after we've been together for 9 years. We got back together about 4/5 months ago and ever since wev'e been trying to get the trust back in our relationship.

 

During the time were separated i was hurting so much and I tried to move on by making friends online etc. I met a guy on a site and we didn't communicated for about 3 months after me and my husband got back together. my husband and i renewed our vows in december but before we did i contacted the guy again. I don't know why i did it. part of me was feeling scared and part of me didn't believe my husband was for real in his feelings, becasue when he left me i wasn't expecting it and he said he didn't love me and my son and i wasn't what he wanted at that point in his life.

 

My husband has found out that i contacted this guy and he's furious. I promised i wouldn't contact this guy again, but yet i've done it twice since. Calling and texting. We've never had sex or met, but some of the calling and texting was sexual.

 

The past few weeks i've realised that my husband and son is the most important people in my life and i can now l look at him and feel warm, when before when we just got back together i didn;t feel much. To cut this short, now that i've come around and cut out the email and texting my husband has looked at my phone records and saw how many times i've called this other man and text him.

 

We are currently seeing a counsellor and i still love him very much and want this to work. I'm afarid i've hurt him a great deal by my actions and i don;t know if he will ever trust me again. was my actions as bad as having an affair? i'm not in contact with this person anymore.

[Jetta]

Yes, you had an emotional affair. It's really bad because it was right after you renewed your vows. The good news is he is in counseling with you. Hopefully you both can regain the lost trust. But you really have to own up to what you've done.

[Beec]

How bad your actions were should not really be the calculation. What was bad was you lying to your husband, and in the relative scheme figuinr out what was worse or not quite as wrong is really an exercise in you seeking to absolve or justify yourself to some extent. Was it wrong for him to walk out on you? Maybe. Which was more wrong? That's just not something to figure out.

 

Be trustworthy an somewhat remorseful and over time he will trust you. It will take time.

 

Why you cheated emotionally is because someting is missing from your relationship, quite frankly. You sought it elsewhere.

[TiredMan]

Ask yourself how you would react if he was having sexual convos and emotional affairs right now with some woman he met on a site?

[Day_Walker]

I am not concerned with if what you did was cheating or not but what it did do is undermine the trust that your husband had in you. Beyond both of you going to couseling I think that you need to seek some kind of help for your issues because if your husband and child were the most important things in your life then why would you do anything to potentially get them taken away from you? Hopefully a therapist can get to the root of your issues and hopefully you can confront them and you can work on rebuilding your husbands trust in you.

[Iceman26]

Personally I don't think your husband really has anything to throw a stone at.

 

If you say you have stopped contacting this other man and you have proven it, then I don't understand why he is still mad.

[TiredMan]

Personally I don't think your husband really has anything to throw a stone at.

 

If you say you have stopped contacting this other man and you have proven it, then I don't understand why he is still mad.

 

She said after he told her to stop, she still continues to.

[Iceman26]

Yeah I realized I missed that sentence. It happens.

 

I can't bring myself to say it's all your fault though. Your husband ran out on his family. You turned to someone else for comfort and it isn't an easy tie to break right away because you are unsure if your husband is going to pull this again or not.

 

I think however, if you are going to work it out with your husband, then work it out with him and stop talking to this guy on the internet.

[doyathink]

Trust has been broken by both parties here. Neither of you trust each other 100% yet and it will take time to heal this. Be open with each other and communicate your feelings. In order to heal this relationship you both will have to be honest with each other.....in ALL aspects.

[Kalika]

He told you that he doesn't love you or your son?? That's not a good sign. I mean, not having feelings any more for you is one thing, but feeling that way towards his own child, and saying that you and your baby are just not what he had in mind?? What the heck?!

[TiredMan]

I may have missed it but what were the details of the breakup (why he left you?). That might be important to all this.

[doyathink]

I may have missed it but what were the details of the breakup (why he left you?). That might be important to all this.

 

becasue when he left me i wasn't expecting it and he said he didn't love me and my son and i wasn't what he wanted at that point in his life.

This is why he left her....

[TiredMan]

There may be been more to this. I get that vibe. I'm wondering if there were any infidelity problems on either end or both ends.

[radioheader]

sounds like he was interested in another woman himself when he walked out...guys just don't say they don't love you but especially their own child....but at amy rate i agree with doyathink...both parties have violated the trust issue and it will take counseling and time to show each other you can be trusted again thru your actions not your words! time is the answer...i'm in an issue about restoring trust and i wish i could will it upon myself but with each day it is getting better...good luck!

[doyathink]

Trust is a horrible thing to lose......once lost, it takes a concerted effort to regain...if ever 100%.

[yeawutever]

So he's mad at you, yet he leaves all of the sudden and has the nerves to tell you that not only he doesn't love you anyone but also doesn't love his child either?? Seems that he was also guilty of the same thing, he probably wanted to look for his own adventure somewhere else. Either way, trust has been broken on both parties and the only way to make the marriage work out if counseling and lots of communication.

[Kaede]

I've read all your comments and I've taken them into consideration. I realised that it will take some time for my husband and i to trust each other again. The counselling has been helpful. And now i am focusing al my energies into making it work. I love him very much and he says he still love me very much.

 

thanks for all your replies.

[Kaede]

My husband never said he doesn't love our son, he said he didn't love me, and my son and i were not what he wanted at that point in his life.

[blizzardblueeyes]

I really feel for you.

 

I think I am having an emotional affair with a married man. Not sure yet. He claims he is single--but after 2 years, we have never talked on the phone or he will not let me send him something as simple as a card.

[texami]

I really feel for you.

 

I think I am having an emotional affair with a married man. Not sure yet. He claims he is single--but after 2 years, we have never talked on the phone or he will not let me send him something as simple as a card.

 

wow, blizard... TWO YEARS? that's a pretty big red flag. hope it turns out ok?

 

to the OP... glad things are working better with counselling.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Doesn't everyone do it?

 

I know it doesn't make it right. Far from it...but don't beat yourself up too much. The best you can do now is forgive yourself. You seem to be making a decent attempt at moving on with the counselling etc.

 

You didn't meet him, so I see no earth-shattering crime - you shouldn't either. Just a wakeup call.

[MissTee]

I agree with what an earlier poster said about soughting some thing out elsewhere because you don't have it at home.

 

You made a mistake, we all do it. He walked out on you and your son... that's a huge mistake.

 

You sound remorseful and you are both seeking counselling which is an excellent step towards fixing things.

 

Good luck!

[alex123]

Hi Miss_Tee

Is that your actual photo ?? I think i know you (what a small world) i too live in Sydney Australia

 

Regards,

Alex

 

 

I agree with what an earlier poster said about soughting some thing out elsewhere because you don't have it at home.

 

You made a mistake, we all do it. He walked out on you and your son... that's a huge mistake.

 

You sound remorseful and you are both seeking counselling which is an excellent step towards fixing things.

 

Good luck!