Why all the disapproval?

[renaissancewoman101]

In the last few days, a few people have posted threads about how an ex mistreated them and then threw a new relationship or flirted with other women, in front of their faces. One of the posters wrote about how she condomed his car, others wrote about doing other dumb, but funny things as a way to "get back" at them. They posted threads about it. Some of the responders found it funny and got a good laugh. Others seem to take the high and mighty road that what they did was WRONG and severely lectured the OP about their actions.

 

I have a question, why is it SO BAD to get back at your ex for what they did to you, for their skanky behavior? NOTE IN POINT: I am NOT advocating doing anything that could hurt anybody or stuff like that. I was pointing out stuff like condoming a guy's call, stuff like that, childish pranks that when girls get together and talk about nasty ex's, a laugh can be gotten from it. I do agree that taking the high road is a better way to do things, but sometimes, in the heat of a breakup and then the ex goes and rubs salt in the wound by flaunting a new interest in front of you, making fun of you, or acting like a jerk to you for no reason at all, people do lose it, even GOOD people. We are, after all, human and have emotions and feelings and sometimes, things like that can get the best of us.

 

I just think that sometimes people here come down SO harshly on someone who has had their heart broken and stomped on, but then went and did some stupid prank on the ex as a way of releasing their hurt. We have all been in their shoes and know the pain and suffering of a breakup. People deal with it in different ways. Sometimes it is karmatic to let the world know what kind of a jerk the ex is, esp if he cheated on you, etc.

 

I've never been the type to get back at someone, because I tend to be too afraid to do stuff like that. But then I can see why people do funny, stupid pranks in the heat of the moment. Sometimes they deserve our compassion, not our criticism.

[sandyv]

Well said Ren, I'm one of those people who has "lost it" on occasion, yes I did some things that now seem silly, yet quite funny...... You can't toast someone for being hurt and acting in an irrational way, as long as they didn't actually hurt anyone, why not? I say whatever gets you through the night.......

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree, although I am NOT condoning what they did, but I do understand WHY they may have done it. I just feel bad for some of those people who posted threads about stuff like that on here, looking to vent, and probably for some compassion and understanding, and then people here come down HARD on them. It's kinda sad. Most, if not all of us, have been in the position of being dumped, and treated badly by the dumper. We all have our breaking point and I can see why sometimes people do pranks like that. It is a pressure release and a way of showing the dumper their hurt, as well as making them look like a fool for treating them bad. Sometimes, I think people should look at their situation with some compassion and not just say "you are WRONG for doing that", what about the dumper's responsibility in the whole thing? The dumper didnt do the classy thing, he/she dumped the poor person and then flirted in front of them and said nasty things to the poor dumpee.

[DizzyDoris]

I agree with you as well girlies!

 

Everyones entitled to their own opinion, and the world would be a very boring place if we were all the same. The thread you was referring to, in my opinion, was just a harmless prank, which made the original poster feel better. No real harm was done, but not everyone finds the same things amusing.

 

Sometimes on here, i feel it would be better if you have nothing positive to add than perhaps you should say nothing at all.

[blender]

I know which thread you are talking about, and sure it's "understandable" in the heat of heartache to do some silly things... and I don't think it's that anyone who has answered with a differing opinion was "coming down" on the poster, but instead trying to "inspire" them to choose the high road next time.

 

It's nice to post on here and receive many different perspectives, ones that

agree with your actions and others who make you look at your actions through different eyes. I don't think it was about "judgement" over the comdomed car thing, it was more about "encouraging" her to NOT give him that much "importance" in her life.

 

Sure what she did was harmless for HIM, but maybe it's more important how it made her feel about herself.. and sure for the "moment" she might have felt some "relief" but in the long run, maybe she felt "badly" about making this choice..the choice to give him her "energy and attention" by doing something silly to his car, something he can laugh about with his friends...

 

he was such a creep that guy.. and I felt so much compassion for her.. but would not encourage her to "do anything towards him in revenge, no matter how silly"... because it's no longer about HIM, it's now about HER, her reputation, her feelings, her lessons, her growing past all this.

 

And I guess some of us feel that her "relief" will NOT come from doing something to HIM, but instead doing something for HERSELF, like choosing to ignore him, stay away from him, and no longer give her "energy or attention, negative or positive" to him..

 

But sure I understand why she did what she did, and no one was hurt or injured by it... her heart was disrespected by this jerk, and the real lesson for her, is to not willingly give her heart to some guy who is so obviously A CREEP, and he was a jerk from the very start..and it's too bad she didn't have the self respect to stay away from the beginning, but we all have been "attracted" to jerks at some point or another.

 

yes it was "funny" to tape condoms all over his car... I'm sure it felt "good" in the moment that she could have some "say" in how he chooses to behave.. but in the long run this is not a way to resolve her own issues about what HE did, she will feel better about herself if she can just "feel her sad feelings" and work through them on her own, instead of trying to "provoke" some anger in him... he's not worthy of her energy, and I think that is what most people were trying to say.. don't you think?

[DN]

There are a number of reasons including:

 

• illegal stuff
  
• unethical stuff
  
• it justifies in the dumpers mind that they did the right thing
  
• it justifies in mutual friends eyes that the dumper did the right thing
  
• it looks petty
  
• it says more negative things about the dumpee than the dumper
  
• it can cost the dumpee a lot of money to put it right if sued

[renaissancewoman101]

DizzyDoris, I think people should be welcome to post ALL opinions on the threads because then the OP gets BOTH viewpoints of the situation. The only thing I was question was why some of the posters came down SO hard on the OP. The OP was obviously hurting and vented out her hurt in that way. Yeah, it was a childish prank of sorts, but it hurt NOBODY and it gave her some relief from her pain. Criticism of her actions is ok, but some of the posters REALLY came down hard on her for what she did and I think that was not so good, esp since the OP was a hurting unit. YOu can tell by her words and posts.

[Batya33]

I agree with DN and also wanted to add that pranks sure can hurt people - they can be embarrassing, humiliating, harm their property, require time to rectify any damage, and start or continue a cycle of violent/angry behavior. It's not about taking the high road - it's about acting consistently with your self esteem and maturity level - the "normal" road. I've been subjected to harassing e-mails and phone calls and it can be creepy, scary, stressful and not fun at all.

[Hope75]

There are a number of reasons including:

• illegal stuff
  
• unethical stuff
  
• it justifies in the dumpers mind that they did the right thing
  
• it justifies in mutual friends eyes that the dumper did the right thing
  
• it looks petty
  
• it says more negative things about the dumpee than the dumper
  
• it can cost the dumpee a lot of money to put it right if sued

 

These are exactly my points as well.

 

A few things to think about...

 

Why give the dumper the satisfaction of knowing how much they hurt you?

 

Why hang onto it long enough to behave like that? Aren't there more productive and mature ways to handle it?

 

Why make yourself look like a fool ?(and yes, when a grown woman puts condoms all over a car she is making herself look like a fool.)

 

Vandalism is illegal, and even something "silly" like taping condoms all over a car is considered vandalism.

 

Aren't we all adults here?

 

What's the point?

 

Who do you think is laughing more, the person who pulls the prank, or the victim of the prank with his friends when he talks about how out-of-control and immature an act that was?

 

Does it accomplish anything, besides prove that a person can't handle rejection like an adult and be mature about it?

[Dako]

I have a friend who stopped seeing a woman because she was too demanding.

 

She keyed the doors of his 911S and used the roof as a trampoline.

From then on, she was known as a crazy woman, while he was seen as smart for dumping such a whacko.

 

Sometimes things have unforeseen consequences.

[EvaGina]

Short answer: becuase it makes you look like an immature moron.

 

If they cant handle their emotions, then maybe they WEREN'T being treated badly in the relationship in the first place, maybe the person was just playing the victim, being overly dramatic and needy.

 

I have only done somthing like that once, and although I find the concept hilarious (flaming dog poo... classic) I feel like such a tool for doing it... I was obsessed and I should have just let it go, it was unhealthy.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I certainly agree people need to get their feelings out. I also think understanding how strong feelings of retaliation can be is a good thing.

 

Should people retaliate just because we can all relate to the feeling?

 

I don't think so. I think energy and emotion could be spent in SOOOO many different and more healthy ways I guess.

 

Should we frown on others who DO partake in revenge just because we all agree its a bad idea?

 

Yes.

 

In a careful, understanding and considerate way but if we don't, it will never end....

[renaissancewoman101]

I guess I sometimes tend to look at the emotions of the dumpee, considering I have been the dumpee in most if not all my relationships. I tend to internalize my hurt feelings so acting out is not something I do. But, I do feel compassion and understand why a person who was treated badly by the ex, had stuff "thrown" figuratively "in her face", would act the way she did. I guess I was just trying to understand why the responders to her thread were kind of "harsh" on her, like saying that a true "yogaist" would never stoop to that level, etc.

 

I do see your points. You guys were just trying to be the voice of reason and let her know what she did was not GOOD and the ramifications of her actions.

 

I was just trying to point out WHY she may have done it and how we can all be TEMPTED to cross that line (not advocating hurtful behaviors either) and how some people deal with heartbreak, etc. Some lash out and let the ex know how hurt they are by doing pranks like that, calling them incessantly, etc. Others internalize it and blame themselves. No matter how we deal with heartbreak, we deserve some compassion.

 

I am glad that on here, people are willing to posts both pros and cons about the person's actions. That is why ENA is such a great place. I just felt bad for the OP that was all.

 

Yeah, sometimes we have to let our rational heads prevail. But in the heat of heartbreak and hurt, it's hard to do that.

[EvaGina]

It also gives women a bad reputation.

Men can do horrible things to women somtimes, normally things just born out of inconsideration... but they normally have motive behind it.

 

Point in case: My bf didnt want me to come to a gig with him and his friends the other week, instead of telling me, I went along and got ignored all night. It was horrible, but after I talked to him about it I understood becuase his last gf would have had a complete mental at him if he tried to do somthing without her.

 

If a woman treats a man like that for ending a relationship.. he is likely to be more sneaky and underhanded about breaking up with someone the next time.

 

I know its not right, but women do it all the time, clinging becuase their last partner cheated and things like that.

[blender]

Yes I agree, I too could feel the op's heartache, and of course I cringed at the fact that she "took an action" to make a point, (probably because when I was young I did something similar after my heart was broken, but thank god someone pointed out that it wasn't "the respectful way" to handle such things, and I didn't do something like that ever again) so I understood "why" she did what she did, we all make those silly mistakes when our hearts feel crushed...but of course in the future with maturity and self respect, hopefully we choose to wait and grow past that "initial feeling" and you're right, that is all we were saying to her... that it's best for her to "grow past this" and to learn her own "life lessons" from the choice she made to get involved with someone like him in the first place.

 

Sometimes when we take a moment to look at OURSELVES first after a heartbreak, well, there is enough work there to keep us busy, and that "urge" to concentrate on what the "ex" should or shouldn't have done starts to fade, and we can put our energy, attention on to our own issues, grow and heal.

[Hope75]

But you know what?

 

Her feelings of being hurt are justified. How she chose to act on those feelings was where she went wrong.

 

As AH said there are sooo many more productive, mature, healthy ways to release that anger and hurt,, by working out, keeping a journal, writing a letter with your feelings and burning it/tearing it up....

 

There is no shame in feeling hurt when you are rejected-- but taking it to a level where you perform a childish stunt to get attention is just not healthy or productive. And it makes her look bad- not him.

[renaissancewoman101]

Hope75, I do agree what she did may not have been the best thing to do in situation. I was just trying to point out that the OP had her heart broken and was extremely upset about the situation, so she probably didnt think before she did it.

 

I do agree that there are better ways to handle heartbreak, then to stoop to the levels of what the OP did. All I wanted with this thread was to have people also understand that sometimes people dont think straight when it comes to breakups, even normal, well-rounded people can break emotionally when it comes to breakups and hurt feelings.

 

Maybe I am too compassionate when it comes to things of the heart.

[blender]

Yes, it's understandable when our hearts are broken to sometimes have "thoughts" of acting out towards the ex. I really believe the op was more upset inside herself for making the choice to give her mind, heart and body to such a disrespecting jerk, who from the very start was less then a gentlemen, even in his approach.

 

So perhaps her hurt is really about her own "choice to get involved" with him... and that is where her healing can begin, by forgivig herself, learning who not to get close to, and to respect her own heart, mind and body.

 

I hope she changes her yoga class and stays away from him until she can gain some healthy perspective... she's still far too vulnerable to be around this creep. I really feel for her.. and hope that she in no way feels "encouraged" to resolve future issues of the heart in the same way because somebody thinks it's "funny".. but sure I understand why she did it...

 

More importantly I hope she can understand why she made a choice to get involved with and then feel so betrayed by someone who clearly said from the beginning, "I don't want a relationship and I can make you have sex with me without a condom" YUK.

 

She is worthy of spending her time and energy on herself, and do gain the sense of self, and loving herself, and respecting herself to stay away from guys like this in the future, that is the real lesson here.. and thank god she is learning it at a young age.

[Batya33]

Hope75, I do agree what she did may not have been the best thing to do in situation. I was just trying to point out that the OP had her heart broken and was extremely upset about the situation, so she probably didnt think before she did it.

 

I do agree that there are better ways to handle heartbreak, then to stoop to the levels of what the OP did. All I wanted with this thread was to have people also understand that sometimes people dont think straight when it comes to breakups, even normal, well-rounded people can break emotionally when it comes to breakups and hurt feelings.

 

Maybe I am too compassionate when it comes to things of the heart.

 

I don't think it is being compassionate to tell someone who has done something like that "ohhhhh poor thing - you were hurt and I totally understand why you could have done something like that!" That is doing a disservice unless you are also brave enough and care enough to make sure the person understands - when the person is ready to hear it - "I hope you choose to react to your feelings differently next time - I am concerned about how you lashed out and the potential repercussions."

 

Your attitude "maybe I am too compassionate" can lead someone who does these petty crimes or pranks to justify it for herself "oh, I just get too emotional I guess when my heart is broken."

 

Of course you care - that is admirable - but if the caring is to result in really supporting the person to not react that way next time - you have to be willing to have the uncomfortable conversation about anger management/appropriate reactions,e tc."

[Ellie2006]

I agree with Batya; in my humble opinion, people who commented that the OP (of the other thread) should have left things alone are NO LESS compassionate than those who commented that she did what she needed to get it off her chest; albeit the differing advice, both groups empathized with the OP or they would not have invested time to offer advice on her situation, IMHO.

 

Also, I would hardly call that OP's actions as heat of the moment type of deal: granted, I have no way of knowing whether or not it was a spontaneous reaction but she did, after all, take a handful of condoms and scotch tape to the yoga class, did she not?

 

This is neither here nor there, I suppose, but if she is as consumed by the actions of this guy as her actions have demonstrated but is trying to downplay her hurt feelings and consequently is not addressing how badly she is still hurting right now, then how are people coming down too hard on her by pointing this out to her? Might not it be more helpful to the OP to suggest that she may still have unresolved feelings about the breakup and that she consider taking more *constructive* measures to address these feelings than to simply patronize her by telling her she did the right thing?

 

Ultimately, perhaps this guy's actions towards her have been inexcusable; likewise, they do not justify her (re)action to his actions, either.

 

On a separate note, while, people have been pretty much leaving the same opinions here (as they have on her original thread), I do hope the OP of that thread is not further troubled by the comments left on this particular thread, which does not cast her in a favorable light (and she cannot even address the comments that are directed at her).

 

Just my two cents.

[Juliana]

"Men can do horrible things to women somtimes, normally things just born out of inconsideration... but they normally have motive behind it."

 

Or they think they do. You'd have to hear some of my stories; I'm not going to go into it, but I've had things done to me in the name of revenge, for imaginary affairs, for making more money than he did, for not paying attention to him when he wanted me to....revenge always has motive. What it doesn't have is self-control. Or, sanity.

[EvaGina]

^^^ That is different to what I am trying to say.

Thats just... horrible...

[annie24]

There are a number of reasons including:

• illegal stuff
  
• unethical stuff
  
• it justifies in the dumpers mind that they did the right thing
  
• it justifies in mutual friends eyes that the dumper did the right thing
  
• it looks petty
  
• it says more negative things about the dumpee than the dumper
  
• it can cost the dumpee a lot of money to put it right if sued

 

I agree with this. I think that pranks can be funny when you're 14, 15, or 16, but once you are an adult, it isn't cute anymore. it's just immature. I'd also like to expand upon the list and cite some sources:

 

From He's Just Not That Into You - One simple rule, ladies: Always be classy. Never be crazy. Okay, actually, it's two simple rules, but trust me, you will never be sad you followed them. If for no other reason, it will ensure that you never have that awful memory of cutting his clothes in half, or dumping his dog on the side of the road.

 

I agree with this quote. I think we should take the high road and act classy, not crazy. It surprises the dumper and makes them wonder if they made a mistake. For example, if someone breaks up with you, and you say, "I'm sorry you feel we should break up but I accept your decision and wish you the best." The dumper will wonder in the back of their mind if they made the right choice breaking up with you. Whereas if you act crazy, they know they made the right choice in breaking up with you, and they tell all their friends! you become an antecdote the rest of their lives, when they tell a story at a dinner party about an unhinged person.

 

From The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama: The destructive effects of hatred are very visible, very obvious and immediate... it totally overwhelms you and destroys your peace of mind, your presense of mind disappears completely. when intense anger and hatred arises, it obliterates the best part of your brain, which is the ability to judge between right and wrong, and the long-term and short-term consequences of your actions. your power of judgement becomes totally inoperable, it can no longer function. it is almost like you have become inane, so this anger and hatred tends to throw you into a state of confusion, which just serves to make your problems and difficulties so much worse.

 

Now, some people tend to come down hard on the dumper, but we should consider their point of view. First, the terms "dumper" and "dumpee" are so negative. You know, some relationships just don't work out, and it sucks, but that is no reason to fly into a rage. Dwelling over it is a waste of time, and prevents you from meeting someone new. Some situations are worse than others. People, in general, have a lot more sympathy for a person whose spouse of 20 years just left them, as opposed to a short relationship that didn't work out, especially if one person said early on that they weren't interested in a committment.

 

So that brings us to what to do when you feel angry. Another quote from "The art of happiness":

 

You can prepare ahead of time by constantly working toward building inner contentment and cultivating kindness and compassion. This brings about a certain calmess of mind that can help prevent anger from arising in the first place. And when a situation does arise that makes you angry, you should directly confront your anger and analyze it. Investigate what factors have given rise to that particular instance of anger or hatred. Then, analyze further, seeing whether it is an appropriate response and especially whether constructive or destructive.

 

I think it is important to analyze what your actions were that led you into the situation. Did you do something that resulted in where you are now and how you are feeling? could you have avoided that situation? And would you classify a prank as a constructive or destructive way of dealing with your emotions. If the prank is illegal/annoying/vandalism, I cannot see anyway that this can be considered a constructive method of dealing with your emotions.