Where is he when I need him?

[never-too-late]

PLEASE HELP

 

He has just sent a message, which says:

 

"Hello. How are you? Are you angry with me? I hope you are not too sad.. please tell me if you don't want me to contact you anymore but it'd be a shame... " And he put kisses.

 

I really don't know what to do. After all he has told me, he has hurt me tremendously by saying that he has no regrets to finish everything with me, he said he would run away from me after being with me for years, he knows how it is to be with me, after telling me that if I walk away after swearing at me that it's my fault how we finished and it's my responsibility. I really don't know what to say. I was so hurt by everything, I just don't feel like I want to talk to him. I really want to move on and forget. I waited for him for one month and in the end I got such a nasty reply back from him. I don't know but he makes me feel so guilty. He makes me feel bad if I don't talk to him that it would be a shame. I am sure that he will send me another one later if I don't reply and say in a blaming way something and will not be nice with me. I am so scared of his reaction if I don't reply now. It's so hard for me, I have no idea what to do. I am sure if I don't reply now, it will be the end forever.

 

What shoud I do? I am helpless.

[catren]

NTL,

 

He's obviously feeling guilty about how things ended with him being so angry. All he's looking to do is absolve himself of that guilt. Remember all the times you needed him emotionally and he wasn't there. So, this is not about your needs now - it's about his.

 

I know this hurts like he11 but you need to decide once and for all do you want to bring a different closure to this. I don't think talking ot him will make any difference to the outcome and you may feel even worse after.

 

I see it this way - at this point, you sort of have the upper hand because he's not happy with how things ended. I have found that feeling this way does help somewhat with the pain of a break up however immature that may be.

 

I honestly don't think he deserves the nice little closure he's seeking after how you've been put aside for the past few months. Ignore him - focus on you - get your support here.

[Lady Bugg]

NTL.....My advice would be DON'T DO ANYTHING.

 

It's amazing....how this guy has used you as an emotional punching bag for months..yet the minute you decide you've had enough, he switches gears.

This guy is the poster child for emotional abuse.

 

NTL...you have put your heart out there soooo many times for this guy. Walking on eggshells, sacrificing your OWN feelings, stuffing your feelings.....the list is endless. THen in return for that the guy screams at you, curses at you...blames you. Does this sound like someone who DESERVES a response?? This guy needs a nice LONG dose of silence.

Anything else would only make him feel like HE is in control.

 

For once YOU are control...take it and run with it..........

And DON'T worry if HE is angry at you. Or if this means it's the "end".........

This is a time for you to TRULY see things for what they are.....and see him for what HE is.

Use this time for YOU.

[never-too-late]

Thank you for the support. My heart is in my throad.. I feel worried and extremely guilty, no idea of knowing which step to take right now. I really loved him so much but I feel like I want to move on completely after what he has put me through during the last months. So I did not reply to him. My housemate took me for a ride to the seacoast, which I really enjoyed. It was so lovely. It made me realise how much time I have lost due to him, how much time I have lost while I was suffering, waiting for him. I really feel like I don't want to do this ever again.

 

When we returned, he sent me a message which said:

 

"You don't answer so I guess you want me to leave you alone. I'll respect it then but it's a shame as I have never closed the door between us for later in the future. I said that I need now to be alone for a while but maybe in the future....anyway, it's your choice even if it's hard. so good luck and all the best.. he put kisses.

 

I started to cry and my housemate saw that. My housemate told me that it's not my fault. My boyfriend told me 2 nights ago, it's over and he wouldn't want to stay with me. I was so devasted and he was not there but now he makes me feel so guilty.

 

I did not reply and he sent another one later, which says:

 

"You could at least answer to my last text. We're not enemies now are we? You can be upset against me but please show some respect and don't ignore me. You didn't even say good-bye to me, I am really sad and disappointed! Obviously you're closing definitely the door to me."

 

I have a stomachache. I feel nervous, worried. I am feeling so bad. What should I do please? He is confusing me? He told me he wants to turn the page, he was the one telling me he wants to try something new, something that could be easier for him, another experience. He was the one who decided to end the relationship?? I just don't know. I am helpless. Now I feel like I want to protect my heart, my housemates are helping me so much. I was so alone for so long when he did not have the time for me.. and now I feel like he makes me feel I am cruel and bad.

 

Please what do you think I should do?

[alatas]

Please sweetie, ignore him. This is still all about him. After the way he's treated you over the last few months, he does not deserve any reply from you. He sounds like a selfish man, who expected (and expects) you to do as he wishes, and uses guilt-tripping you to get what he wants... if he cannot see that he is being selfish and really thinks he *still* deserves your attention, no amount of contact from your side will change his selfishness. And telling you that he no longer wants to be with you but that he isn't ruling anything out in the future - that just takes the cake

 

He has hurt you and jerked you around for long enough (I have read the entire thread, and some of it just made me really mad at him)! Just give him what he deserves, and that is NOTHING more of your time or attention. Block his email and change your phone number if possible. I know you loved him (and still do), but he does not deserve you. You deserve much much better than to be treated like he has treated you.

 

Good luck hon - you sound like a lovely caring person who deserves to be treated with love and respect. He is history - and unless you like history, I'd close the chapter on him and get on with your life. It's great that you've got supportive friends; lean on them and let them help you see what else life has to offer.

 

Good luck!

[Lady Bugg]

OMG NTL...This guy is a trip.

He is DEFINETELY playing on your emotions....and trying to make YOU the bad guy for HIS actions. Please..please please don't do this.

 

How many times did you text him, email him...etc etc etc............

sitting on pins and needles waiting for a reply??

 

Now that he sees you DO in fact have a backbone, he wants to be Mr. Nice Guy....and maybe One day things will work out".........yet ANOTHER ploy to keep you under his thumb.

 

I hope someone else posts and advises you NOT to contact this guy.

He is BAD news..............and I think with some distance....and NC you will se this for yourself.

 

Take care..OK??

[catren]

NTL,

 

I recall the many many times you needed him or tried to reach him and he wasn't there for you. He left you hanging for MONTHS and now he can't handle being left hanging for a day. Right now you have the upper hand - keep it. The minute you call him, he will blame all of this on you and not accept the responsibility of his behaviour over the past several months. And, even though he clearly told you he was through, now he's hinting that maybe there could be something in the future - that's completely cruel. This guy is trouble and won't be coming back to you.

 

All he wants is his neat little package of closure. You owe him NOTHING. And, he talks about the respect you owe him - after how he's treated you? Nuts.

 

Don't play his game anymore, walk away and let him see that you're just fine without him thank you very much. You can do this.

[catren]

Well, I guess you can tell from all of our responses that you are supported here. Yes, this hurts like hell, but please take the advice of all of us - Delete him from your life.

[Lady Bugg]

Thanks for adding that Catren.I think NTL needs our support more than ever right now..........You can do this NTL....

Just hang in there....

This guy is ONLY concerned about his OWN needs...and his OWN ego.

Screw him.

He had his chance and he blew it.

 

It will take more than a few pretty words to make this better....a HELL of a lot more..

[alatas]

OMG NTL...This guy is a trip.

He is DEFINETELY playing on your emotions....and trying to make YOU the bad guy for HIS actions. Please..please please don't do this.

 

How many times did you text him, email him...etc etc etc............

sitting on pins and needles waiting for a reply??

 

Now that he sees you DO in fact have a backbone, he wants to be Mr. Nice Guy....and maybe One day things will work out".........yet ANOTHER ploy to keep you under his thumb.

 

I hope someone else posts and advises you NOT to contact this guy.

He is BAD news..............and I think with some distance....and NC you will se this for yourself.

 

 

EXACTLY! Couldn't agree more.

 

I have been going through a nasty break-up (kinda mutual break-up wanted him to treat me better and care about my feelings and needs, he wanted to be in a relationship with someone who was fun 100% of the time, had no down days and required zero effort on his part - needless to say, there was no way of combining the two so it ended) myself recently with a guy who is the epitome of selfishness. He did not care *at all* about my feelings, all he cared about was himself. And if I did something that would create even the slightest incovenience for him, boy would he try and make me feel guilty to get me to behave in a way he preferred. Or he would just ignore me for days (we share a house with a few others - all us of are college students and we started seeing each other after we moved into the house). And believe me, being ignored at the breakfast table or when watching TV with the other roommates HURTS.

 

People were saying to me "he's just not worth your tears, he's selfish, you deserve better". I did not believe them, thought maybe it HAD been my fault and if only I'd been different maybe it would have worked.... BS. His behaviour since our break-up has been nothing short of appalling on so many different levels. He's been swearing at me, pretending I don't exist when I bump into him by accident, telling me I make it impossible to live in the same house (what he *means* is that being in the same house as me brings back all the memories of the hurt he caused me, and he'd rather forget all that), stuff like that. And I realise people were right...he is not a very nice man. Not at all. And with NC (it's been almost 2 weeks now) I am starting to realise what cr*p treatment I put up with from him...it almost beggars belief. So NC definitely helps you to put some perspective on things. And you will get to an angry stage when you'll be hopping mad at him for treating you like he did. I have had a few instances of that, and it is so cathartic.

 

Don't let him guilt you into contact. You are better off without him in your life. You deserve a partner who is there for you when you need him, and who doesn't manipulate your feelings, or makes you feel unwanted and bad. And fortunately, you're now free to meet that partner at some point in your future

[never-too-late]

Hello all of you!!!

 

Thank you so much for your responses and your support. I have just been crying, feeling so sad. I felt actually quite good this morning, spending time with my housemate.. it was a nice afternoon and now after receiving the messages I cannot help feeling horrible. It actually hurts to ignore the person you love with your whole heart and I really loved him so much! I was prepared to move all the way to his country to be closer to him when he then turned round and told me that he does not want that. It hurt me so much. And now.. I mean I cannot actually believe that he is telling me that maybe in the future.. he told me two nights ago and I will never forget this that he has no regret to finish our relationship when he heard me crying out of hurt, he said, which hurt me so much that he knows how it is like to be with me and that anyway, even if he stayed with me now, he would run away from me years later. It hurt me so much, I keep playing these senteces in my head. My confidence to find someone else, which I really don't want to do now, is on a point 0.

 

He made it sound as it's horrible and unenjoyable to be with me and that any other guy would not want to be with me.. including him as he would rather run away from me. It is so painful to hear that. I have never talked to him in this way, I have never told him anything rude. He took me for granted so much. But the worst thing is that I love him that by him telling me he feels sad and disappointed and ignored, it causes me pain. It is so hard. Actually I asked him not to leave but he said he wants to move on now and try something different, somethinge easier..so why is he now changing the story by telling me he never closed the door to the future??

[Lady Bugg]

It's ok to feel sad NTL.....It's ok to grieve this. I think in time though..you will realize this man was not GOOD for you. He never treated you well, he took you for granted....and in MY opinion he emotionally abused you.

 

You can do what you wish.....but it is MY hope you no longer give this man the satisfaction of your company or your time. You seem SO sweet...and

loyal. Don't waste it on a man who is going to crap all over you.

Cry, scream, puch the wall.........talk to us, talk to your friends...but don't call him or contact him. Believe me.....he doesn't deserve it.

[never-too-late]

I am not contacting him. I will not. Do you think he has met someone else? Someone better than me?

[alatas]

>> Actually I asked him not to leave but he said he wants to move on now and try something different, somethinge easier..so why is he now changing the story by telling me he never closed the door to the future??

 

I wish I knew hon...

 

My guess is that either he is just saying that to make himself look better (but doesn't mean it), or he wants you to be a fall-back plan in case he gets lonely in a few months or years. Since you live in different countries, the latter seems unlikely, so my guess is he's just saying this make himself sound less like the "bad guy".

 

Just remember, you did nothing wrong. Him saying

 

"...he said, which hurt me so much that he knows how it is like to be with me and that anyway, even if he stayed with me now, he would run away from me years later"

 

just sums it up perfectly: he is not a decent man. Or at least not anymore. No decent man would say this to a woman he is breaking up with (and who is CRYING because she's hurt, for chrissakes!!) - and then tell her "actually, I'm not ruling anything out in the future". That is just cruel and playing with your feelings. Probably all so he can feel easier/less guilty for being the one who broke up with you.

 

Post here if you need support. We're here for you. And I'd really think about changing your phone number so you can't see any more of his messages.

 

As for whether he has met someone better than you: he is who he is. And he will probably treat his next girlfriend the same (i.e. selfishly), whether she was Cruella de Ville or Mother Theresa. If he cannot show compassion to you and your needs, he won't be willing/able to show it to another woman. So unless he has a good heart to heart with himself (and from your description of him and his actions/words it doesn't sound as though he thinks he doing much wrong), he will not change. So I'd feel sorry for his next girlfriend.

 

I know what you mean by the "someone better" bit though. The guy I broke up with is already with someone else (found this out before I started NC), and they will both be graduating in July. She will be moving away from this country while he is staying. He has told me flat out that this is just some fun for him and her, that he is not serious about her and that she is willing to provide him with 100% fun in return for his attention and company. They are sleeping together, of course. I thought she was better than me - of course I did. She was the fun person he complained I wasn't (I WAS fun until he started being more and more selfish and caring less and less about me and my feelings - he thought that should not have stopped me being fun - what a pr*ck!). So I thought she was better. Is she? No. She is kinda getting into him and hoping for more, and he just picks the good bits and is not interested in ALL of her. Does what he wants when he wants. If he has promised her to spend the evening with her and then feels like going home and working instead, he'll do that. To hell if she doesn't like it. He has also told me that she knows not to give him any hassle, or he'll be out of there. So she is not better than me. That is not why he's with her. He's with her because I wanted a real relationship and he didn't want to make the effort. She is the equivalent of a McDonald's Happy Meal - and that's why he's with her. Easy, simple and no effort. Whereas *I* am someone who would rather be alone than agree to be someone's Happy Meal. So she is not better - she is just a different type of food ;-) I'd rather be with a guy who doesn't mind putting in some effort in the kitchen - and I'm sure YOU would be too!

[Lady Bugg]

Yeah NTL....I think if you changed your phone number it would blow his mind.

Don't do it for a reaction though........do it for YOU!!!!!!!!

Who cares WHY he said what he said?? The fact is he said it.He INTENDED to hurt you..and he did....whenYOU were distraught. He is a JERK.

 

Let me tell you something..if this guy is sincere and hell bent on being with you..or making this up to you..he will move mountains to do it. Right now.......

at the VERY least he deserves to be deleted from your life without a second thought.......

 

I'm glad you're not contacting him.....hang in there.....

[alatas]

>> Who cares WHY he said what he said?? The fact is he said it.He INTENDED to hurt you..and he did....whenYOU were distraught. He is a JERK.

 

yep yep YEP!!

 

Not a nice thing to do at all.

[never-too-late]

So I did not respond him from last night and this morning he sent me a text message while I was at work and said the following:

 

"You really shouldn't do this. You're ruining everything forever. and I never ignored you if you needed to talk to me". I did not respond. He continued with another message saying:

 

"You're so stubborn and selfish!! is it so much to ask you to reply to me? So you don't want us to reconsider in the future at all? Finally I can see you didn't care so much then if you're able to delete me like this so easily! It's very sad, I feel gutted!"

 

I still did not reply and then he said "I miss you! please say something.."

 

He then sent me a long email telling me that he knows I am very sad and he knows I am really hurt and protecting myself but he said it's hard for him too. He said that maybe in a year's time he will move into my country and I will speak his language more fluently and we can try again. He asked me to reply to him if I dont want him to contact me ever again.

 

I felt so guily, so bad, I told him to call me. So he did and we had a talk but I told him all what I had on my mind, how much he mistreated me, how he didnt care when I needed him, how I feel so hurt and sad about everything. He said he is hurt as I make it sound as if he is so bad. He said he does care a lot. I said to him why is he leaving then, he said it's because he feels like he should. He said he wants to be alone now but maybe later he will change his mind and he is scared he will loose me forever and regret his decision. I said to him that I am not a toy that he can put on his shelf and take again when he pleases. I said to him that I have feelings. I told him that I have 3 guys interested in me so if he cares I will go to dates with one of them. He told me how dare I am telling him this. He said if I do, he will not talk to me again and he said that I can forget him. He said he cannot believe that I would deal with our situation so quickly whereas he has hard time with it. He said he is extremely disappointed in me and he thought I was different. I told him that I am not going out with anyone and he said he feels gap and that he is shocked how I am towards him after 3 years of being together.

 

I told him if he has made his mind up to leave, to end our relationship then I have no choice but to move on, to forget and to heal and the only way is not to have any contact with him. He said he cannot believe how I am so quickly moving on.. he said he is gutted and disappointed and hurt.

[catren]

Wow, all of this after how you've been treated!!! He needs his head examined. Does he actually expect you to wait for him for the next year? You've already waited months!

 

I'd actually like to give him a piece of my own mind. He is delusional. Seriously. You are going to be much better off without him. Don't forget all of the support you have here.

[Lady Bugg]

Yes....he can't believe NTL has the AUDACITY to move on with her life, and not allow him to treat her like dirt anymore. That's what it boils down to.

She is no longer under his "spell".....

 

NTL....I REALLY hope you don't fall for this crap.

As Catren said...this guy needs his head examined..and a serious reality

check.

 

I am proud you able to not contact him for as long as you did. See? You CAN do it.....you have much more inner strength than you think you do.

 

I really hope you kick this guy to the curb though....

[New Day]

Never too late ,have you ever heard the term ,Commitmentphobe?

Your guy either is one ;

Or, he is just one big jerk.

 

Sounds like he wants to keep you and wants his freedom too...a typical commitmentphobe manuver.

 

BUT ,if you are both young(stil in your early 20's), then actually being not ready for commitment yet, is normal.

 

So. I would say most lilkey in your case,, he is just not ready.....and is a selfish jerk!!

Cause he wants you to wait in the wings for him, and has the nerve to tell you, it is all over if you date another guy?

Especially when he is not there for you in the first place?????

(Somebody say ,JERK!!)

 

This is PURE SELFISHNESS,,,amost screams NARCISSISM.

Yikes,

Maybe you need to like...er ah...run from this dudo turkey?

 

You Sound like a lovely Lady..I have a feeling you can do a lot better than him.

He has pulled your strings long enough!!

 

 

But read up on Commitmentphobia, just the same.

Reason is.. you have a long distance relationship...and Commitmnetphobes LOVE long distance relationships. They especially can be found in the LDR arena.....it's the perfrct breeding ground for CPs...cause it requires making no real commitment.....yet they like to keep you hanging around...just the same.

 

Read Steven Carter's books on Commitmentphobia..see if any of the book,applies to your relationship.

 

Usually if it applies, the pages of the book will SCREAM out at you...it will souind like the author was writing about your own relationship.

That is how you will konw...cause all CP relationships sound the same..and follow the same eerie exact pattern.

 

But again, like i mentioned before....young peope are a bit commitmentphobic too..and that is all normal then....and to be expected.

 

Sorry..have not had time to read all your posts yet, to get the full picture here.

How old are you two, by the way?

[New Day]

Never too late, what was both your former relationships like ?

What was both your relationships like, at home with parents?

Anything sound familiar here?

 

Maybe this may throw some new light upon what is going on..and why?

[New Day]

Did a little more quick reading here....

The Word Emotional Abuser comes to mind.

 

Don't like this guy atall........

Honeychild....something sounds rotten in Denmark with this nasty jerk.

He has jerked you around way enough!!

[never-too-late]

I am 28, he is 26.

 

He sent me other two text messages today telling me he misses me too much and he is scared of the future and asking me not to close the door on us completely and not to show my wall and if we can talk when we need to talk to each other!

[savoie]

well - in my humble opinion - you have to decide how long you want this drama to continue. as cold as he as been for several months - it seems rather odd that he responds to you in the manner that you state. people are strange though.

 

we can sit here all day and discuss the possible meanings of what he does and says. at the end of it all - how do you feel about it?

 

love and relationships are not easy - but if you are miserable why stay in it? otherwise - maybe accept that things are going to be hard for a while - and instead of living with the "why is he doing this to me" feeling and decide that the relationship is worth the risk.

 

i am not suggesting that you stick with it. nor am i stating that you bail. but - what you do is YOUR choice. take responsibility for it. don't engage with him again and come back to say that you were taken for another ride. i know that sounds harsh - but you need to wake up and smell the coffee! he may have made a huge mistake with you -but as long as you continue to accept anything less than what you want in a relationship -you only have yourself to blame.

[never-too-late]

Hello to you all!

 

so I have just gone through a very difficult week. He was calling me, texting me telling me he is scared of the future, he is so scared of loosing me and he is missing me too much and if I went on a date with another guy, I could forget him.

 

Anyway, he actually told me to meet up. I said to him that I would only meet him if it means to discuss everything, to talk about everything, to try to find a solution to our problems so we can be happy. But he did not agree. He said that I am talking as if we are not broken up. I could not believe it when he said that. He was calling me telling me not to close the door completely in case he changes his mind in the future and then he said that. I asked him what is his intention to meet. He said that is to see if can be good together, if we can have a nice time. I asked him what would happen then. He said that we could meet sometimes and then see. I said to him that I cannot accept that. I don't want to have a "sometimes" relationship where I have absolutely no idea where we stand. I told him that I would want to sort things out if we were to meet.

 

He said I put too much pressure on him, he said I don't accept his doubts and I don't give him the time he needs to decide if we can be together???

He said that it's upsetting how I always want everything to be black and white. I was so upset. I mean don't I deserver to know if the guy I am with wants to be with me or not?

 

So I told him yesterday that I would only come if we can talk about everything and he said that it is too much pressure for him and he said that he knows I would only want to meet him if it means we would try to work things out but for him it's too fast. He said that he needs more time and he is sad I don't want to give it to him. He said his doubts won't leave him so easily so in the end he said that he prefers to stay alone for a while to see what he wants. He said that maybe I won't be available for him later but he must take this risk. He said he cannot be with me with these doubts and with the pressure I put on him. He said i'ts a shame how impatient I am?! I asked him if that means that we are completely over then or what is actually in the end the answer.

 

He said:

Again you don't understand me. I need time to answer this question. I think I prefer to stay alone for a while to see what I want.

I said to him that it hurt me how he first broke up with me and when I wanted to move on last week to forget the pain and everything, he was telling him how I am killing him by not talking to him and I let him talk to me and now he is again telling him how he prefers being alone.

 

I feel so upset, hurt and confused! He has made me feel so guilty and bad about everything. I mean I tried so hard to move on and now I feel like I am back to square one. When I tried to protect my heart and my feelings, he has made me feel so bad about it, and now it looks like he has decided that he would rather be alone than with me as I put too much pressure on him.