Everywhere the girlfriend went, the boyfriend was sure to go

[xmrth]

I'm really starting to get frustrated with my girl friends. It's like we can't hang out just the two of us girls, ever! The other day for example, one of my friends and I went to get some coffee. She was texting a bit during it and I thought nothing of it because she didn't say anything or react. Then all of a sudden her boyfriend comes in and joins us! This particular boyfriend I don't mind as much as another friend of mine. But it is far from the first time, and as a matter of fact, it's happened several times, like when I have gone to her house (when it is SUPPOSED to be just us), her boyfriend is there! or we make plans and he's got to come, every time!! And it's different. It IS different, whether you want to believe it or not, it's different when a boyfriend is there.

 

This other friend of mine is worse, though... and something is concerning me, and I'll explain why in just a bit.

There's been times where she's come to my house and then her boyfriend just kind of shows up! Like one time, this was a while ago however, but the biggest example, when she came over and we were just watching movies and talking.. and then he shows up and watches movies WITH us! IN MY BEDROOM, on my bed! It was like tweedle dee, tweedle dumb, and the clueless girl.

 

What is concerning me is the fact that I don't like this guy. He's a terrible and controlling boyfriend, and just every thing you can think of that could make you hate a person. "Borderline cheater" if there even is such a thing , the works. Most of it is her own fault for constantly going back to him, but at the same time, I have no reason to like him but every reason to dislike him as a -person-.

So at my college, which he is not even IN college, he uses our college's facilities and logs into the computers on her account. It annoys me that he is in an area that is SPECIFICALLY for seniors, in which you need a key to get into (no idea how he got in) and *I* am one of those people who is a senior and gets a key! I earned it after 3 years, and $60,000 so far! Okay, before grants and scholarships.

 

Well, there are designated areas (open spaces-- think office building) for seniors to do their work, and you earn it by going there for 3 years-- same area, same key. For one thing, I'm bothered that he just has no life at all that he's got to wait hours for her to get out of class while he uses our facilities which WE are PAYING for! He is not allowed to do this, and I am going to tell security-- not a problem, I'm going to get security next time I see him because he is on the computers logged into her account and in a secured area of the school. Because I have things I need to do in there and I refuse to be near him! And I shouldn't have to be-- I'M PAYING FOR THIS.

 

But what bothers me is my friend is a senior next semester... and her workspace will be near mine. And he will definitely be sitting right next to her, acting like a spoiled two year old, and be a huge distraction. I would never bring my boyfriend on campus to sit with me for hours, or wait for me for hours. 1, he has a real job to be working at during my school hours, 2, it's a distraction no matter who you are.

 

This is really just a rant... and venting... I told my boyfriend about it but it's just not his "field" to give advice on... and I don't want to make it into a big deal. My friend already knows full well that I can't stand her boyfriend and talking to her will do nothing, not because she's mad at me, but because they are attached to the hip and one of them might die if the other is 1 foot away from the other.

I love to spend time with my boyfriend, but honestly, this is really too far, and given the situation, it's so annoying.

 

Just venting... I haven't heard anyone's thoughts on this so I'm really curious, any similar stories, or do you understand my frustration? I mean, definitely with the on campus part, above all, in our area where he is not even permitted especially to be using our facilities, is not even paying for and is not allowed in general, and also I need to use that area and shouldn't have to be near him! Like I said, I'm paying for it! He's not even a student -anywhere!-. But even just not being able to spend alone time with the two girls I get along with the most out of all my friends. I guess not so much after all.

 

Martha

[Katerimo]

Hey Martha,

 

It sounds as though your frustration is coming from the fact that you don't get to spend so much time, or be so close, to your friends - I would guess that you've been the one with a boyfriend for some time, and they have both recently acquired boyfriends? However it has come to - you feel disconnected from them, and ultimately blame this intrusion on the boyfriends. You can't chose your friends boyfriends, but would it honestly make much of a difference if the guy was any nicer? Perhaps if he was charming to you - it always helps - but deep down you'd resent them for stealing something away from you. We all feel that from time to time - and often there is a time when people go from being totally devoted to you (as a friend) to being devoted to someone else (as a partner) and it's hard to adjust.

 

I'd be careful to report him to security if your friend could find out - would seem like sour grapes and could lose an important friend. He's not harming anyone, really, and you want to try to push him out with the limited control you have. That's not unreasonable, she's your friend and he's the one taking her time from you.

[xmrth]

The first one has been with hers for over 2 years, and the other has been with hers for almost 4 years. I met them when they already had boyfriends but there have been times where they were still in school or had something better to do and weren't around. And even minus time with my friends, they're around all the time. One doesn't have a job, and the other works over night or something like that.

 

I'm still going to tell security, though... because I earned that key and I payed all this money and I want to use that area without him in it. We are supposed to report these things anyway, but there's also personal reasoning behind it as well. If she finds out, honestly... she probably won't care. She will care, but she won't care... at this point, that one is kind of non existent because she only sees her boyfriend. It's more about him to be honest. He'll still be twiddling his thumbs outside the classrooms, but out of our area and not using the computers and facilities that we're paying for.

[annie24]

have you tried having a heart to heart talk with your friend? say that sometimes, you want to see her and spend time with her, girl time, sans boyfriend? that you want to catch up on your friendship? and maybe talk to her about her boyfriend using school facilities. I don't know, she may not react well to that. is he really such a big nuisance? i think you have to pick your battles.

 

But I think you should definitely talk to her about her boyfriend showing up uninvited. that is not ok, very rude to invite people over without asking the host.

[xmrth]

Oh, he's a nuisance alright. It's completely worth it. I waited 3 years to be able to work down there because I can't work at home and it has EVERYTHING I need, and this person doesn't go to our school and isn't paying for it, and he isn't allowed down there, and there's no being able to sit in different areas-- it's small. I can't work there if he's there. I don't know why I should have to deal with it and I'm afraid of it getting worse next semester. I'd probably talk to her at that point, but not now. He wouldn't listen because he's like a big baby. It's ridiculous.

With her... I don't even hang out with her anymore. And here is the crazy part, and I say this with the note that we are really close: I have only hung out with her -alone- without her boyfriend a few times ever. Like 3 times... literally. All the other times he's had to come. I just end up driving her everywhere and am late for my own classes because her family thinks oh, this girl has a car! Let her take our daughter on campus. Like I have helped this girl in a -reasonable- amount, not like I'm a saint or anything. And it's been years. I pretty much don't care. I'd feel bad but oh well girl (to her). She doesn't even have her license because that would equal ID to be able to drink, and she's not allowed to do that. Because the woman should always listen to the man in the relationship. yeah that's how they are.

 

And that's a whole other issue! But... the first friend I mentioned I could definitely talk to and she'd probably be like okay! But it's hard... because over the summer I thought it would be fun to get together and do this or that before the semester started and it turned into "Great! My boyfriend will drive!" Like... no. No he won't drive because he's not coming. But it's hard to say that, or get to that. I want to, though. I definitely will with her because they are different... but I don't know. They do kind of do absolutely everything together like it's a given that the both of them go everywhere when one is invited-- mostly him coming along with her and her friends. I will definitely say something especially next time he just kind of shows up, because it will happen. This past time was so unexpected! It was so nice to catch up. She'd probably be like "I know..." and then he'd still always come though. They aren't my only friends ever but they are the ones I get on with so well, I don't think I should just discard them. But for that one with the crazy boyfriend I think it's time we just pass eachother by... whole other story with that though.

 

He doesn't know I saw him... she doesn't... I may as well have not seen him using our facilities (in which, honestly, he's always done it in our other building but I don't care! Because there's several floors to choose from! Honest. 100%) But that area, that pisses me off. Because I can't get away from him. And the other buildings aren't an option. I will keep it to myself and tell security... and let them decide. If nothing happens with it, I will talk to her, and then talk to him. Or him first. But right now I am keeping it to myself. The semester has only just begun... I can't deal with it. =\

[Skippy]

well, everyone have their own ways and wants in their relationship. Some people are just confortable with one another and like the idea of having the partners in most aspects of their lives. Friends included. This gives them a level of closeness that you may not understand.

Put simply, you are important as a friend, but not as important as their partners. I think that yo being upset about this is a waste of time, either you acept it or you don't and move on. If you do make an issue about it, it may come accross that you are jealous and possessive. To me honestly, i sense there is.

 

I honestly think you have a grudge or somekind of jealously going on here. From what you have written, it sounds like you don't approve of her boyriend and to be honest, their relationship is none of you business. YOu don't like him to a point whr eit sound like you are willing to cause issues in their relationship. It is time to butt out and leave them to their relationship.

 

As for a facilities, if you want to make a big deal out of it, it is up to you. I think that you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.

 

In my opinion, it is up to them how you fit into their lives and how they fit in yours. If you don't like the package they have made then don;t hang around with them.

 

Are you attached or single right now?

[Dara]

Why is being in the same room as this man such a big deal?

I'm taking about at school. Sure he isn't allowed to be there but there has to be more than one computer in that area. Does he talk to you or bother you or is it merely his presense?

[xmrth]

He is a big ol' baby and shouldn't be down there. I'm still telling security to boot him out. There's more than one computer, but they're all in a row and I'd be right next to him. I've got the key, he doesn't, I'm paying, he's not. He's not allowed down there anyway and I'd definitely tell security even if I didn't know him but knew he didn't go here.

[Skippy]

Are you throwing a Tantrum?? Jezzzz you really have a problem with this guy that has not done anything to you directly.

Is there something that is going on in your personal life that is making you act so intollerant?

[xmrth]

There's no mysterious reason... I don't get why I'm the only one who sees the problem with this? He's not allowed down there. Students who are not Seniors aren't allowed down there. Do you steal or use things in other colleges or something? Is that why you're so for him being able to use it?

I can't even work down there with him there. Why do I have to deal with it? I'm paying for it, and I earned it, so why do I have to put up with it? He's not a student.

[annie24]

would you have as big a problem with it if your friend were bringing her super quiet, shy sister?

[Skippy]

sound like what you are trying to do is separate them aand measure their kind of relationship to yours. Though you might not agree with their type of relatonship, it is their relationship. My question is, why are you all out trying to stop him from being with your friend?? (his girlfriend)

Really, i think you need to take a stepback and look at your attitude.

 

You dont respect this guy and that is your problem. Your friend is in love with this guy and thus only is able to 'see' this guy right now and not you and it is bothering you so much.

 

Is it because you think you are not improtant anymore that youare acting like this to this guy?

 

I would agree with you being upset if he was sitting on your bed. (as it is your bed)

I have an issue with you saying ' i paid for it'. If you are so addiment on getting him out from the computer area, you better make such that you report all the other peole that are not supose to be there.

 

Personally, i think when people says, "i paid for it' and thereforeeee i am entitled to control who uses it are people with control issues. Yes you paid to use the facilities just like everyone else in your school. I just think that you are making a mountain out of the mole hill. You are letting it get to you, just move away somewhere else. You are at a school, there are computers everyehere.

 

When you come out to the real world you will find out that you are not going to get along with everyone. Better learn how to handle it now with this mole hill.

 

ANd let the 'i paid for it' drop, it is really lame. Sounds like you have a control problem which i am sure you don't.

[xmrth]

I'm not doing anything like that. If she brought her sister it would be the same way because that's annoying to me. They can use anything in the other buildings, but not down there. He doesn't come alone, either. Surprisingly he has friends.

 

I am not trying to stop her controlling and abusive boyfriend from dating her. That's her problem, and like I said earlier I'm done with her because she uses me because he doesn't allow her to get her license or spend her own money and makes her pay him because he doesn't work.

 

So use computers everywhere, when those are for seniors and my work space is down there right outside the door, also in a locked area? The other computers are in rooms typically with a class in them, do not have the printers we need or any of the other facilities.

 

I know full well about the real world, and I know there's going to be people who I don't get along with or don't like. But guess what, this I can do something about and I have every reason to.

 

And I don't think it's lame, honey. Lame?

I came here wondering what people thought. Why are you trying to force your opinion on me that this is okay? It's me paying for it on top of not being able to stand the loser. He can still wait for her outside her classroom, this won't be stopping that. And I can just walk right by him.

 

Stop going back and forth with me, seriously. You said what you thought and I disagree. Drop it already.

[Batya33]

I totally agree that if you make plans with specific people to catch up - one or more - that if they want to bring others along they should ask in advance. I had a friend like this - we finally made plans to get together and catch up and her boyfriend showed up. Obviously I'm not going to "catch up" the same way in front of someone's boyfriend or spouse. I feel the same way about inviting other friends - it changes the whole dynamic and the person who asked for the plan should be asked in advance if it's ok. Obviously if it's a large group plan or a very casual "let's all go see this movie' plan then I guess anyone can come.

 

I now have a standing brunch plan with three girlfriends about once a month and if one of them brought a boyfriend it would be very strange and unwelcome even if he were nice - it's meant to be a girls' brunch, period.

 

I don't understand people who think that it's all the same if other people come along to a dinner or lunch plan when the purpose was to catch up. Most of the time, it makes a huge difference.

[Weeblie]

Ok so I guess you're over this friendship with this girl, because she has been a lousy user so far. But I still think telling on this guy might be kind of iffy. Just because it seems like you could get your friend into some serious trouble.

 

I agree that it's wrong for him to be using the computers, but couldn't you give your friend a head's up before contacting security? Give her a chance to right things? I mean here's this stranger with a key to a place he's not supposed to be in. Plus he's got a password to the computers. How sketchy does that sound?

 

I'm sure security isn't just going to kick him out. Or at least I hope they wouldn't just kick him out. I'd hope they'd be more concerned about how someone like that was able to get in and want to find the answer.

[xmrth]

That's a good point. I didn't really think about her getting in trouble... I'd feel bad if she did because it's not her giving it to him (computer password), I heard the whole story from her about a year ago and how he basically forced her to, like the guy's got to know all her passwords to accounts anywhere online, and to get on her personal info on the computers.

 

The thing is though is she doesn't even have a key for it-- yet. Next semester she will, and that's what I'm concerned about. He may be waiting until people unlock the door (automatically locks itself back) and letting them 'hold the door' for him because he's waiting for her the during the entire duration of class.

 

I am just so annoyed at it because it is legitimately the best area of my school, all my things are in my area, it's so convenient, it's quiet, it's great. I was afraid of telling her about it or telling him to hey you have to get out of down here, because I didn't want it to create the issue where he'd always be there and not listen... and then having them know I told someone higher about it. I thought maybe I should leave it up to the security to decide or something like that, and knowing how they have taken people out of our college from using our things (now computers need a code from that).

 

I have asked myself the questions-- is it about using our things? YES. Is it also because of him or them? HIM. So I don't feel guilty about it... but yes, I do want to do it the right way. She shouldn't have to get in trouble for it but I would defend her if she did. I don't think she will...

 

It's just so annoying to me, it really really is. I just fully feel that I should not have to deal with that. Like if it were a student who I don't like that are just generally annoying people (and there are some) then it's like, oh well... but him, I don't need to, you know?

[Weeblie]

Yeah it's not really fair. Especially since there are limited computers. I always get pissed off at kinkos when there's a guy talking on his cellphone, hogging a laptop station, while people are waiting on a line to use the same space. Some people have deadlines to meet!!!

 

And I guess maybe telling your friend in advance might not be a good thing for you. This guy sounds like a creep and it'd be awful if he started harassing you about this. Isn't there another computer lab he could use? Like a public one in the library?

 

Maybe there's a way you could report him before he signs on to the computers? Like tell security that you've noticed a guy hanging around the lab and getting in without a key?

[xmrth]

Honestly I feel really bad because I'm not talking to her like I used to... basically going about my own life and not feeling obligated to help her anymore. And I am really sticking to my own little circle within the classrooms. I don't know... I'm just turned off to her in so many ways. I know this is off the original topic but still. I mean the girl doesn't shower or change her clothes... she's a wreck when she's with this guy. I have tried to help her for years, and I'm no saint but I have done what I could do... and for someone who can't even help themselves and think they can just get around with the help of someone else who is responsible (me) is really obnoxious. I still feel the same way about her boyfriend being down there. I hope I won't see him. Maybe it was only those times he was lucky enough to get down there. It genuinely pisses me off.

 

She's such a nice girl but she's not a friend anymore-- she's a puppet, does what she's told... and I can never see her alone unless she needs something and it isn't like hanging out. I feel bad to end a friendship. It's a whole slew of issues... =\

[Kiwi_Chick_Ez]

so how do you know she still wants to stay friends with you..?

[BellaDonna]

I'd be annoyed if I made plans with a friend to catch up and their BF showed up (unless it was planned prior- then I'd bring my guy too).

 

I don't bring my husband everywhere I go, nor does he want to go everywhere I go. We respect each other's space.

 

Usually if a person's partner just happens to show up every time it's because he/she is insecure or does not trust their partner. I personally don't like being friends with people who are on a such a short leash and who have to keep calling/texting/reporting their whereabouts to their boyfriends to the point where he shows up. My own sister does this often with her BF and it turns my stomach. I've gone out for a coffee or a drink with her and sudenly her BF just happens to be in the neighborhood and ends up where we are.

 

I guess, if nothing else, I understand where you're coming from, xmrth...

 

I prefer friends who maintain their sense of self when they are in a relationship and who can still enjoy themselves even if their partner is not there every second. It's not that I like to be an attention hog- by my friends and I don't get to see each other all that often, so on the rare occasion we get to meet up, it's annoying if a 3rd wheel always has to be there.

 

BellaDonna

[xmrth]

so how do you know she still wants to stay friends with you..?

 

...you're seriously asking this? She keeps sticking around, unlike myself because of everything I've already mentioned other than the original topic. It's pretty obvious. I don't even know how to answer that, why would you ask such an obvious question?

 

 

And that's what they do, too. Particularly the first girl I mentioned, she texts... has to check in... When her boyfriend is around he's not mushy with her and talks in baby talk like the other one, but still... It hurts because there's this place I really wanted to go out for drinks with her because my boyfriend and I went and he didn't like the food so he won't go back... and her boyfriend has to come! And he's not even 21! Like it's just a given he's coming... should I just say "just you and me, no -boyfriend-? There was a time she told me she couldn't do something because her boyfriend gets jealous... I don't want to just not be friends with her... the other one I think there's more of a reason because it goes beyond the boyfriend always being around. But she's such a great person it sucks I can't hang out alone with her other than in classes.

[Juha]

If being friends or thinking if you should be friends takes this much trouble and thought then is it really worth it...

 

Seems your taking up alot of time and energy for nothing here...

 

I try to keep it simple... If people treat me the way I want to be treated and are good to me and for me it is easy to be friends...I push the ones I don't feel treat me right or are good to the fringes of my life...

 

It keeps things simple...

 

There are to many people out there that cause drama and just put you thru the ringer just to be friends with...

 

If "you" don't enjoy your time with them then why bother???

 

Life is to short to let little things like her and her boyfriend to bother you so much... Relax and enjoy life...

 

 

[xmrth]

Exactly... that's why I am not going to be friends with the second girl I mentioned. I feel bad but it's been years... the other one isn't as much of an issue but just sparked the post. But for her, I feel so bad. How do you not be friends with someone anymore? The way I am going about it is I say things to her in class related to what's going on, but I don't text her anymore and I don't talk to her personally anymore... I think it's the only way, but it feels bad. It's the right thing to do with her though because that's exactly it-- it's not simple anymore and it's just a huge bother to me and is time consuming. With her boyfriend though so far, I have been too busy elsewhere to have run into him! And honestly, that saves me the trouble. So hopefully it will stay that way.

I feel bad not being her friend anymore but we don't really have a friendship... and on the second page of this I explain why in better detail.

[Iggy5129]

Your friends seem pretty oblivious. I have a boyfriend and so do many of my friends but there are times when you just know that it is girl time and it is not appropriate to bring your boyfriend. Like when my roommates say "do you want to watch a movie tonight" it is just implied that I shouldn't have my boyfriend come over because we are going to spend time being girly together. It is important to have time away from your boyfriend, it can really ruin friendships (obviously you know this first hand as it is ruining your friendship with her). There are even times when I feel as though I NEED some girl time because I can tell I have been with my boyfriend too much...most people should have this natural ability to tell when it is appropriate and inappropriate to invite a SO.

 

I also understand wanting him to not be in your work area. You should find a way to get that stopped, I am sure if you report it, it would be anonymous. I too go to a school that has cost me $60,000 in loans so far and I still have one more year to go! I'd be annoyed if some guy was distracting me from getting good grades at a school I have worked so hard at and paid so much money for.

[Skippy]

their relationship. Their way of doings things. If you dont like it walk away. I dont think should be trying to influence their relationship with what you think is right for you.

If you dont like that package your friend is in then distane yourself.