a-non-imous Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Ok don't really know where to start, and never really been an online relationship guidance sort of person, but I could do with an opinion and there aren't a great deal of people I can talk to this about. Friend of mine has been seeing his girlfriend for the best part of 5 years now, they have 2 children (3 year old and 1 year old). I am over at theirs a fair amount of time and over time got to know his girlfriend really well and we became good friends. About 2 years ago it took a bit of a turn when she basically said that she liked me (was a bit of drunken fumbling but nothing to serious). About a year ago we slept together. We have slept together sporadically over the past year. We get on incredibly well and the real kick in the teeth is it's no question the best sex of both of our lives. We are both coping relatively ok. But the thing that's getting to me is my friend and her are going through a rough patch that may split them up, lot of issues involved most of which I know are unrelated to me. That said I am still feeling incredibly guilty and have a compultion to try and fix it. What can I do? Link to comment
twistedsoul Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 until their problems are fixed you should stay out of the mix and not sway any decision she may make. she needs to decide what she wants based on her own life and not based on any influences you may present. Link to comment
a-non-imous Posted February 1, 2007 Author Share Posted February 1, 2007 Good advice, and probably the right thing to do, just not easy. Link to comment
lostinwilderness Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 anonimous, It sounds like this will be a tough time for you, but I hope you realize that while you are romantically (and physically) involved with this girl, you are negatively impacting three relationships. Between you and your friend, between your friend and his girlfriend, and even between you and the girlfriend. You seem like you care about all three of those relationships, but your actions are not demonstrating that. As a friend to both your friend and his girlfriend you should be supporting them during their times of crisis regardless of the eventual outcome between them. You can hardly claim to support them if you are sleeping with one of them. It is not an easy choice, but I think that the only positive choice you can take is to back way off. Respect both these people and do not do not do anything with this girl that you would not be comfortable with your friend doing with your girlfriend. Be strong! Link to comment
JoeWho Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Well I hope you dont expect to remain friends with your friend once he finds out how good of a "friend"" you have actually been being. The truth will eventually come out one way or another. I think the best thing that you can do now is distance yourself form this situation. It has all the potential to be very explosive. As for your guilt, well I dont know how you could get rid of that except if you came clean to your friend, but you should be ready to duck when he tries to deck you. Link to comment
sddeaston Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 The sex is only incredible because of the taboo nature of your situation. Link to comment
Rabican Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 Do yourself a favor and stop calling him your friend... because that you are not. No 'friend' would so such a thing, dont make excuses or justify it... thats just the way it is. My vote, tell her that if she breaks up with her man, you can see her then. Otherwise remove yourself from the situation. And dont be surprised when she cheats on you, as she will. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 i think affairs are never a good idea, especially when complicated by the fact that he is your friend... are you prepared to take on this woman and her children should she leave her boyfriend? and will you ever really trust her, if you know that she is capable of cheating on her partner, as she did with you (and will she ever trust you)? i think sometimes people get wrapped up in the excitement of an affair, the adrenaline, and never really think out the consequences til the affair is found out, then it blows up, and it is not nearly so peachy after you are a couple, rather than just spice in each other's lives... imagine how she will feel if she breaks up with her boyfriend because of you, then you decide you don't want a serious relationship with her, and she has wrecked her family for nothing? or how about looking your friend in the eye for the next 20 years when he comes to pick up HIS kids at YOUR house... and do you want those kids to grow up in a house where they blame you for breaking up their mother and father's relationship... no matter what you and see tell them, i'm sure your friend (and the father) will tell them otherwise! in other words, the negative potential of this situation if it plays out is just through the roof... so really, you should step away from this NOW, and tell her that she needs to resolve the issues with her boyfriend, and to NOT think of leaving him because she expects to have you for a replacement partner... unless you are really sure those are shoes you want to fill... she will also most likely DEEPLY resent you if she decides to leave her partner, then you decide you don't want to marry her... another tidbit... about 95% of affairs that break up parternships end eventually (and badly) when the two affair partners get together... so little trust, and too much baggage... so odds of this relationship lasting even if she does leave her partner are not very good... the great sex won't compensate when real life starts sinking in for both you... Link to comment
yeawutever Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 Well you're not really a true friend to him. Not until she breaks up with him then you can join in again but like another poster say don't be surprise if she ends up cheating on you later on. Very few relationships born out of affairs last. Link to comment
ILovePasta Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 Well you're not really a true friend to him. Not until she breaks up with him then you can join in again but like another poster say don't be surprise if she ends up cheating on you later on. Very few relationships born out of affairs last. Agree 100%. Please don't refer to him as your 'friend'. He is clearly not that any longer... you've made sure of it. Link to comment
a-non-imous Posted February 3, 2007 Author Share Posted February 3, 2007 Some harsh words, which I suppose I should have expected. Although to just comment on symantics is not helpful. He is my friend, I never said I was being a good friend, I except that the betrayal of his trust should he find out, or should it continue, would then not make him my friend. But to judge whether he is my friend or not, given the information I have provided is baseing your entire opinion only my relationship with his girlfriend, and not my relationship with with him at all. I don't really mean to put focus on that it's just I would rather keep it a-non-imous and refer to him as a friend to avoid using his name. There are some really good opinions, I particularly agree with the adrenaline comment and am sure that wouldn't be there in a relationship circumstance. A relationship is out of the question, neither of us are of an illusions about that. I suppose I am really looking for the holy grail, how to stop things without hurting anyone. Link to comment
ILovePasta Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 So we should look past the symantics and analyzie the root meaning of whats going on? No, sorry. You can slice it anyway you choose too, but nothing matters other than the facts. And you're saying he's your friend until if/when he finds out whats going on? Wow! To answer your question: Don't continue bumpin and grindin with his girlfriend. Don't say anything and go about your business. Of course, you never know when her Jimmy Crickets gonna get the better of her and she just may come clean... heaven forbid! OR You could do the right thing and come clean first. Accept the consequences of your actions and learn from them. Just a thought. Link to comment
notsomuch Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 The guy came here for help, not to be told he's not a real friend. Link to comment
treefrogkate Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 It will be hard, but if you are going to save your friendship, you need to end it with the girl and cut all individual contact with her. Staying out of their lives completely for a bit may be what you need to do in order to give the girl space and a chance to clear her head. Link to comment
JoeWho Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 If your lookig for the holy grail in this situation, just distance yourself from her and your friend. Nothing good can come out of the situation, kind of like watching a train wreck in slow motion. Good luck mate Link to comment
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