Long Silences in Conversations

[TheSmilingTurnip]

So I had my first date with this guy on Saturday. Everything was cool, he was nice and we enjoyed the date.

 

But the thing is, that there are long gaps in conversation. He is shy. I'm usually a good conversationalist, but what can I do when someone's not really saying much?

 

So there's chemistry, similiar values, you name it, it's good. But what's up with the conversation? Is that a bad sign?

 

Anyone have a similiar experience and what do you do about it?

[shep88ner]

i know what you're talking about because i am very shy myself and when me and my girlfriend started dating we had a lot of those long silences too. she realized i was shy and trying, so she just made due with what she had at the time. she'd ask me all sorts of questions and say random things and just try to include me in stories and stuff. it was nice and it helped me overcome my shyness towards her. now we're to the point i never shut up when we're together, i talk as freely with her and i do my parents. just give it time and he'll open up, im sure of it.

[anggrace]

Yes, I do! My boyfriend is pretty quiet. On the phone especially. At first it was awkward and I always tried to fill up the space with something, anything. Then I realized that when fishing for something to say, you often say some stupid things. Ive learned to be more comfortable and accually appreciate the quite. It doesnt mean he's uncomfortable or not interested, some people are just that way. Just takes some getting used to.

[anggrace]

He might end up talking more, he might not. The only way to find out is to give it time.

[Dako]

I agree with anggrace.

 

Sometimes the silence says more than filler.

It also gives a calm cadence to a conversation, instead of a staccato of exchanges.

 

Sometimes smiles and sighs can be enough for me.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I guess I am nervous because I really like him. I'm naturally pretty chatty. We have had good conversations and whatnot, and I try to think of things to say but find myself dismissing a lot of things because I think they're stupid lol. UGH! I definitely will give it time; he appears to be worth it, but I've been wrong before!

[zerohalo]

There is a line in pulp fiction that I am going to butcher that is very applicable.

 

"Why can't people just shut the eff up?"

 

We don't HAVE to fill in all those long silences. My best friend and I had this talk once, where I was wondering if he found the long silences in our conversations awkward and he said he just thought it was cool that we could have comfortable silence. So now, when we have nothing to say, we just shut it. It's not like we're going to stop being friends just cause we can't think of some pointless thing to bring up.

 

I think the same can be said for talking with anyone. I just ask a lot of questions, but sometimes there isn't anything to say. There's nothing wrong with that, just sit back a second, have a sip of your drink and let your brain contemplate.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Hmmm...maybe the problem is me lol. I just feel like there is a natural communication link that is missing. I think I'll just ask him what he thinks about it lol.

[karvala]

I guess I am nervous because I really like him. I'm naturally pretty chatty. We have had good conversations and whatnot, and I try to think of things to say but find myself dismissing a lot of things because I think they're stupid lol. UGH! I definitely will give it time; he appears to be worth it, but I've been wrong before!

 

Glad you're giving it time, I'm sure it's the right thing to do. You like him already, so it's first worth noting that you don't actually need a change in him as such; it may not be ideal, but you have it within you to see past that. For your own conversation, the good news is that as you know him better, you'll increasingly feel comfortable saying the things you would say to other people, but are currently nervous about, so that after a while, it will hardly be an issue at all.

[cpc28655]

So I had my first date with this guy on Saturday. Everything was cool, he was nice and we enjoyed the date.

 

But the thing is, that there are long gaps in conversation. He is shy. I'm usually a good conversationalist, but what can I do when someone's not really saying much?

 

So there's chemistry, similiar values, you name it, it's good. But what's up with the conversation? Is that a bad sign?

 

Anyone have a similiar experience and what do you do about it?

 

Only one thing that will help. Time. Eventually, he will become more confortable. As far as how long it will take, I don't know. Depends on the person.

[Aurian]

A few thoughts...

 

A bit of time will help him relax a bit. I went on a date with a new guy and he hardly made a peep for the first hour. But he relaxed nicely and was soon chattier than me

 

Also, a few silences here and there shouldn't be something to be scared of. I think guys feel less worried by a silence here and there, no? Don't force it, just be friendly.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Thank you all for your thoughts! I really like him, and I don't need him to change. I like being able to be comfortable with silence, I'm just not used to that in the beginning, know what I mean? Thanks!

[keenan]

hmmm ~ i know just what you mean! i love good conversation ~ everything from fast-paced, witty banter to deliberate and meaningful discussions. if it doesn't happen naturally i tend to ask a lot of questions to draw people out & keep the conversation moving along.

 

i think it's the ambiguity that makes not talking uncomfortable: 'talking' usually means you're on the same wavelength, with good 'flow' and give and take, but 'not talking' can mean lots of things...quiet mood, anger, boredom, disagreement, shyness, different styles...whatever. millions of potential disconnects.

 

BUT...the guy i'm seeing is super mellow and is totally fine with loooong silences. at first i found it pretty uncomfortable...especially on the phone. honestly, i still (4 months in) don't love it. but like you, the chemistry, values, etc. are all in place...so i'm learning to savor the spaces between the words, the nuance, etc.

 

no advice here, just empathy.

[charley]

So I had my first date with this guy on Saturday. Everything was cool, he was nice and we enjoyed the date.

 

But the thing is, that there are long gaps in conversation. He is shy. I'm usually a good conversationalist, but what can I do when someone's not really saying much?

 

So there's chemistry, similiar values, you name it, it's good. But what's up with the conversation? Is that a bad sign?

 

Anyone have a similiar experience and what do you do about it?

 

Is talking always necessary? Sometimes I'd like to hold hands and listen to music, or watch TV, or just enjoy some silence together while cuddling. I think sometimes silence is OK, maybe even preferable, especially if relaxing. Hey, I'm capable of being a talker, but I like my silent times to, and I can't have that if you are always trying to force conversation on me. Just my thoughts.

 

There's a song called silence is golden. So for some of us, it is sometimes golden.

[Locke2121]

Yeah, talk is cheap! Well not really, but why not fill those moments up with some simple touching, meaningful eye contact...stuff like that. A simple touch of the hands can be worth an hour of chit-chat.

 

In case you don't get it, I'm a hopeless romantic at heart.

[lifestream]

I think just cuddling silently is one of the best feelings I've ever had...even beyond incessant talking.

[Altruist]

Silence means satisfaction.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Silence means satisfaction.

 

In what alternate universe? How does silence mean satisfaction?

[keenan]

Comfortable silences could mean that two people are content to rest easy in one another's company without feeling pressured to fill space.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Comfortable silences could mean that two people are content to rest easy in one another's company without feeling pressured to fill space.

 

Yeah, that's cool, but rarely occurs during the first stages of dating, which is what I asked about. My ex and I used to have really comfy silences and I didn't mind one bit. We'd hold hands, the works. But I've also heard that long silences and stuff could mean that the compatibility is not there.

[keenan]

yah, i don't disagree with you. i was just trying to flesh out tronix's remark a bit. by the way, whatever happened with your guy? are you still together (and quiet)?

[TheSmilingTurnip]

yah, i don't disagree with you. i was just trying to flesh out tronix's remark a bit. by the way, whatever happened with your guy? are you still together (and quiet)?

 

Yep, we're still carrying on. We're both relaxing a bit. It seems to be working out so far. We'll see! Thanks for asking

[Altruist]

In what alternate universe? How does silence mean satisfaction?

 

When someone doesn't try to talk unmecessarily, it can mean that he is satisfied and comfortable in the relationship. He does not feel threatened and evaluated at all. I agree with Keenan's reinforcement of my statement. A relationship, like yours, where one talks a lot while the other does not talk much is one of the best because quiet people are usually very good listeners. Howeer, its a different matter altogether if the quietness stems from insecurity and shyness.

[Adzy]

eventually, when you're both closer, the conversation will be so natural you won't know how you ever managed to have nothing to say.

[the_final]

I think playing a hand game or something when a silence shows up might be a great idea and may lead to something more.

 

Can anyone give some ideas on some fun games to play one on one? I know theres the hand slapping game, but thats a total rip off from Wedding Crashers.