The 26 Year Old Virgin

[Softiron]

I am 26 years old and am still a virgin. I have had plenty of sexual encounters, but I've never gone all the way. There's been opportunity, but I've never wanted to. No religious or moral reasoning behind it; I just haven't had the right connection with anyone, and I don't want to go all the way with a fling. I was in love once in high school, but we agreed we wouldn't have sex until we were older, just in case an accident happened. We broke up before graduation, so virgin I remained.

 

I have been dating this girl (23 years old) for about a month now and we have hit it off brilliantly. In other words, we're both in the "Cloud 9" stage. She is not a virgin. I don't know how many sexual partners she has had, but I do know that she does not like flings either, so it is likely she treats intercourse as something special as well. She assumes I am not a virgin (just by the context of some things she has said, and hey, who wouldn't assume this for a 26 year old male), but she hasn't asked me about my sexual past either.

 

I believe we are on the brink of making our relationship exclusive. The other night I realized that if that happens, I want to make love to this woman. The thing that shocks me is that I feel this way...I've never wanted to go all the way with anyone, and the fact that I feel so comfortable and nonchalant about it amazes me.

 

What I've been debating is whether or not I should tell her I am a virgin.

 

I have been with three women in the past few years who stopped dating me, telling me they couldn't be with a guy who didn't want to have sex (I never said I wouldn't, but I didn't want to have sex on the second date, so hey). Granted, none of these women were likely long-term material (and, incidentally, loved to have flings), but this history has provided me with caution lights on broaching this topic.

 

I'm worried that if I tell her I am a virgin, having sex suddenly becomes a HUGE DEAL. It will put us on uneven ground, and a whole slew of thoughts might go through her head. "Is he that serious about me?" "Is he in love with me?" She may think I'll have unrealistic expectations. And because I've had enough girls "freak out" over the fact that I am a virgin, I would hate to risk that again, especially since this is not a HUGE DEAL to me. I mean, it would be a very important thing to me, in that I feel close to this girl, but that feeling would be mutual.

 

Also, the last thing I want to do is give a drawn out explanation about the reasons for my virginity. By doing that, it becomes a HUGE DEAL once more. And if I try to downplay the whole thing? She may think I'm being insincere. I love communicating my feelings, and I expect the same in a relationship, but my gut tells me this is a case where talking is superfluous.

 

Of course, if I did bring it up, she may be totally cool with it and think it's sweet. It might turn her on, knowing that she'd be "making me a man." But she could get the same feelings if, say, I told her three months after the fact.

 

I don't think she will ask me how many people I've slept with, at least not now. Like me, she likes to keep some things secret, and I don't think she really cares about my history. In other words, I can easily dodge the topic (by being cocky and funny) if it comes up, because she won't demand to know an answer.

 

Has anyone else been through this, on either side? Validations, reservations, and clarification questions welcomed.

 

~Softiron

[Luke Skywalker]

I'm a 30 y/o virgin, and there are other male virgins on this board that are older still - some as high as 43 y/o, etc... so it's not that big of a deal.

 

If you are worried about someone freaking out on the idea you are a virgin, then dont mention it. Evade the talk altogether and say that you want to get to know her a bit more to see if you are compatable before getting into a discussion about that.

 

Also, make sure you get her to do a blood/disease test to ensure she has no STD's, and make sure you go with her to get such a test to be sure she isn't lying. You dont want to find out the hard way.

[Dako]

I'd tell her.

 

She'd feel it was a more special event. Forget sex, the whole idea of a relationship is sharing things, and this big event qualifies.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think you should go with your feelings, but talk to her first about if/when she wants to get really intimate... if it feels like a go for both of you, make sure you have protection (practice putting it on first), then go with the flow and have fun... it is a huge deal for you if you're too worried, but if you spend a lot of time warming up (making out) first, i think you'll both be ready to go...

 

it really is quite a natural urge, and a little fumbling is always normal, especially when you're new together, so don't make it too big a deal in your head... but tell her if you really are too nervous about it, if she's crazy about you, she won't care, as long as you're having fun and treating each other well..

 

but if she does ask, don't lie, not a good foundation for a trusting relationship.

[anggrace]

I agree with Dako. You should tell her just for sharing sake.

[Softiron]

Okay, people, I should clarify. I will NOT flat out lie to her.

[Luke Skywalker]

Okay, people, I should clarify. I will NOT flat out lie to her.

 

Do not volunteer information unless you have to. You are in control. You tell her only what she needs to know. Generally, if you give a person more information than they need, then they could ask more questions, look at you funny, worst of all, you could undermine all your credibility as a 'guy'.

 

So, you dont have to flat out lie to her, you are really debating whether or not you should give information to her that she probably wont need anyway.

It wont score any points on her for you to disclose that and actually risk losing points as you look like something is wrong with you, but if you dont disclose it, you wont gain or lose any points so it seems safer not to talk about it to me unless you are pressed and she has to know - then you are not volunteering information, now you HAVE to talk, or it will look worst if you say nothing or flat out lie since she's on to you. Your behaviour and mannerisms should say enough anyway - you would look 'uncomfortable' on the sex part - and thus may come accross as inexperienced anyway.

[quietgrl]

I'm a 30 y/o virgin, and there are other male virgins on this board that are older still - some as high as 43 y/o, etc... so it's not that big of a deal.

 

If you are worried about someone freaking out on the idea you are a virgin, then dont mention it. Evade the talk altogether and say that you want to get to know her a bit more to see if you are compatable before getting into a discussion about that.

 

Also, make sure you get her to do a blood/disease test to ensure she has no STD's, and make sure you go with her to get such a test to be sure she isn't lying. You dont want to find out the hard way.

 

 

 

Luke, He needs to tell this woman the truth and say he's a virgin who has experiences outercourse.

Softiron, if you say this woman is the "right woman" for you then telling her you're a virgin won't be an issue in your relationship.

I never did understand why virgins lie about being a virgin when they're dating people.

[Dako]

You aren't going behind enemy lines, you're going to do something fun with a close friend. Telling her can only bring you both closer, if she's cool.

 

You've obviously got some idea about her character from a month of dating. That should give you an idea of her reaction.

[Softiron]

Thank you Dako, I'll take your advice into consideration. And thank you for addressing me directly.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Softiron,

 

Its nothing to be ashamed of, by far it shows you have integrity that you wouldn't have sex with women that weren't in a committed relationship with you. I think you should continue to demonstrate that integrity and be honest with her. If she can't accept that as part of you, do you really want to continue a relationship with her? A person who cares about, won't care about you being a virgin.

[quietgrl]

Thank you Dako, I'll take your advice into consideration. And thank you for addressing me directly.

 

 

good luck !!!

[Mr. Brightside]

Thanks for thanking us for the advice.

 

Wow, sensitive aren't we? Here is your approval: Thank you for your post.

 

To the OP:

Since it isn't a big event on your end, there is no reason to tell her and put yourself in a position where you look like you have emotional or religious baggage that you otherwise don't have as it pertains to your virginity.

 

If she asks, tell her. If she doesn't, it's a need to know basis. Don't lie and say you aren't a virgin. Just tell her if she asks. People don't always go into exactly how many partners they've had in the past. If it's a big deal to her, she'll ask. If not, it doesn't really matter unless it really matters to you, which it doesn't sound like it does. Telling her CAN bring negative consequences in that she will think it's a big deal to you (when it isn't) which can lead to her going numerous ways in her thinking (i.e. insecurity that she won't live up to the glorious experience, etc).

[iwishiknew]

I am a 28 year old virgin and I always wonder if I do get a gf if telling her that I am virgin would maybe be a turnoff for her

[Luke Skywalker]

Softiron,

 

Its nothing to be ashamed of, by far it shows you have integrity that you wouldn't have sex with women that weren't in a committed relationship with you.

 

Then it also begs the question that he has never been in a committed relationship before at 26 y/o if that's the case.

[Softiron]

As my OP alludes to, I was in a committed relationship in high school. It lasted fifteen months.

[Luke Skywalker]

As my OP alludes to, I was in a committed relationship in high school. It lasted fifteen months.

 

And you never slept with her?

[Dako]

So, what's wrong with that?

Lots of guys are busy with school, careers or other ventures instead of relationships until later in life. Nothing wrong with that at all.

[CarnelianButterfly]

And you never slept with her?

Luke that's not the point. His current relationship is.

[Softiron]

And you never slept with her?

 

Right, like my OP clearly states. Including the reasons why. If you need help, it's on page one.

[annie24]

I think you should tell her, but not before you two become exclusive. I think she may feel flattered.

[HellFrost666]

its not lying if she doesnt know

 

its wen u get caught that its lying

 

thats my 2 cents newaiz

 

I disagree with this. A lie is a lie, it doesn't matter if you get caught or not.

 

I would tell her if I were you.

[Mr. Brightside]

Well, you could have sex, then when she asks if you are a virgin, you say no. You aren't lying

 

not that she would phrase it that way anyhow haha

[quietgrl]

I am a 28 year old virgin and I always wonder if I do get a gf if telling her that I am virgin would maybe be a turnoff for her

iwishiknew,

well, if a woman is turn off by your virginity ,this woman isn't the right woman for you.

[annie24]

iwishiknew,

well, if a woman is turn off by your virginity ,this woman isn't the right woman for you.

 

i agree. isn't the purpose of having a gf to have someone that loves and understands you. your sex life (or lack thereof) is part of the package deal, and if she can't understand that you were waiting for someone special, then she isn't right for you.

 

how do you think she will react?