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Hoplessness and despair (and other musings)

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I've figured it out... I'm HOPELESS. I'm THE epitome of a screw-up. I know you probably think "Oh great... another rant from that loser CynG. Why doesn't he get a life, get a job, and go get laid!?" And if you think that, stop reading now, and go on with your beautiful life and go take your beautiful girlfriend/boyfriend on a beautiful night out of town and forget about the severely suffering collective unconscious of which I am a human representation of.


I'm sick of this. I really really really want nothing out of life other than to die and go to the afterlife, whatever it is; it HAS to be better than this god-forsaken hellhole of a planet that we humans tend to be so proud of. Have you seen it lately? I mean, have you really taken a good look, even despite the pollution, overpopulation, over-lumbering, over-fishing, corrupt politics, and centralization of control? With the convenience of TV, you can see children and parents dying, starving, and suffering while a vague charity is trying to get your average everyday family trying to donate when the politicians and other famous people are shy to lend a helping hand. These charity fools should be P.Oed at those money bogarts who won't even vaguely help the children. I mean, big whoop that they have to refrain from getting that brand new venezuelan back massager that they've always wanted and they're not on VH1's "most wealthiest" list or whatever... boo frickin hoo!


As Wu-Tang said: Cash Rules Everything Around Me, CREAM get the money, dolla dolla bill y'all. Apparently, Method Man seemed to have a glimpse into the future with that chorus; but now it's credit ruling everything around us... pretty soon (because the American Dollar is now worth about 4 cents) the Euro is gonna take over as a stepping stone to thwart us back before the American Revolution under rule of Europe... and that's globaly, the problems I can never fix.


In fact, I'm a waste of flesh, water, organ, tissue, and molecule. I'm a useless right-brained free-rider who can't do anyting right. I can't even get a proper job, and my musical career is looking hopeless at this point because almost every musician I encounter doesn't wanna do anything serious because of FEAR that they'll suck. So I'm screwed. I'm as good as dead. I've been useless my whole life, and I've been conscious of my own worthlessness for about 6 years, suffering gargantuan depression fits and manic moments. I know you might say "it is YOU creating it! Stop being a whiner!" and if you think that, you're sick. That's like saying people have consciously chosen to be cancer or diabetic sufferers.


"Look on the bright side is suicide" -Kurt Cobain... but I'm willing to suffer in the darkness for my friends and family... even if I don't get a simple "thank you" for my effort.


Tonight, I'm gonna bake some Pillsbury sweet rolls with orange icing to try and forget how depressed living makes me. "Here, Neo, take a cookie."

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but what's an example of this? most the things going in the world aren't things that john q. public and just sit down and change, it takes alot of people, and even then that still isn't normally enough. You actually want things to change and have opinions about things which is alot less worthless than just not caring about anything.

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hey, wow, why are you using so many other people's standards about who you are and what you should be to be worthwhile?


basically, life is not about that, who gives a crap about anyone else defining what is 'right'? you are living in Calif., the land of the shallow and the lost, so if you think you don't fit in, then maybe you really are fabulous, and they are really whacked! (sorry, don't mean to put all of Calif. down, but there is a weird value system there, money, beauty,snobbery=good, anything less=bad.)


widen your mind and your circle, look to those who lived their lives meaningfully and beautifully amongst despair and inequality etc., like Gandhi, Mother Teresa, ANYONE but those who measure their life's worth only in terms of drugs or money or popularity...


Kurt Cobain might have made it if he surrounded himself with people who are true lights in their world, rather than users...


please, don't write yourself off until you have experienced the WHOLE world, and other values than the shallow one you live in now...

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California is the national monument of corruption, materialism, snobbishness, elitism, and conformity... no wait, I take it back... it USED to be good... but now ever since that Govenator puss bucket used the reverse Miadis touch... it's gone from decent to worse. In fact, it's all said people's fault that I've turned from a smiley little ADHD ridden boy into a dark ADHD ridden misanthrope. I've already given up on the human race, as did Kurt Vonnegut and Albert Einstein at the end of his life.


Experience the WHOLE world? Who WOULDN'T wanna do that? The problem is, I'm trapped. I've screwed up enough times already to make sure I never make it anywhere decent in Asia... and I'd have to join the military in order to do so; in which case I'd rather commit suicide than do that, which is practically the same thing...


I'm already dead inside, so why care about anything anymore anyways? Life is just a cheap scam... I woulda been much better off living as a blade of grass with a life span of 4 earth days than living at least 19 years as a human. Basically, I think I was born with major gigantic design flaws... I just didn't realize it until about 6-8 years ago.

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I believe that all humans inherently have worth. Even if you just sit there and do nothing for the rest of your life, you still are worth something. For example, people in comas? They don't do anything. They just lie there in a bed and use up hospital space. But they're not worthless. Homeless people generally aren't cared for. But if someone was to go out and start killing all the homeless people, we wouldn't just sit back and watch. Everyone has worth. Even if your life is empty, even if your existence seems pointless, you're still worth something, because you're a person with individual thoughts and feelings.


As for what you see on TV.. you're intelligent, you should know that the media controls what we see on the television. 24-hour news stations (CNN, etc) need more news stories to fill up their time. They'll report on certain things more, making it seem like a bigger deal than it actually is. For example, one year all the news stations were reporting that it was the "summer of the shark," warning people to beware of sharks in the water. But that year actually had a low number of shark attacks compared to previous years. It just seemed like a bigger deal because the news stations were reporting on it more. There are many more examples of this -- it's well documented in books on statistics and such. Sure, you see people dying on TV, you see people sad and homeless and poor -- but there are so many more people who are living their lives and are normal, who aren't shown on TV. What you see on TV is not representative of the real world, most of the time.


Also -- trying to get a musical career in Sacramento? Don't places like New York City and Nashville have more opportunities for musicians?

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Please don't take this personally, but I HATE it when people tell me that they've been "in my shoes"... I mean, being able to relate is one thing, but that doesn't mean you know exactly how that person feels... I stopped saying I've been "in so and so's shoes" a while ago because of that.


"You just gotta believe" Been there, done that. Belief doesn't do jack. I've tried "believing", and to me, it just seems like the great cop out. For instance, I've believed, my whole life, that there was gonna be an alien race that would take me away from this putrid spherical cosmic stench-hole of gas and matter, but has it happened? If so, I would't be typing this.

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