How do I end an affair before it is to late?

[aaronmcds]

I am looking for some honest opinions, no offense will be taken to any suggestions. I have been married now for over a 3 years. My wife is pregnant. Before I was married I had a co-worker whom we had developed feelings towards each other, yet my professionalism prevented me from ever acting out since I was her boss. I no longer work with her and lost contact with her for the first part of the marriage to my wife. However, recently, we have regained contact. On a business trip out of state, I talked to her on the internet. While having a conversation, a feeling of euphoria overtook the both of us and we told each other about our feelings. Since then in the span of only 3 months, we have hung out a couple times, yet have never been physical. She has told me on numerous occasions that she wants to be with me. I have tried to cut off the friendship (or so I call it for justification purposes) by not e-mailing her back, nor talking to her. That would work for a couple weeks yet she would show up to my work and we would talk. I don't know exactly what my feelings are towards her. She is very smart, and has a major future in store for her. I believe that I couldn't ever trust her or be a relationship with her. However, alongside the little emotional feelings, I also have a major physical aspect for her as well. She is extremely attractive and gives me a feeling of lustfullness towards her. I am a good-hearted person towards many and have never been good at giving rejection. Yet, I know that if I did commit a physical affair, I would feel unbelievably guilty and betraying to both my wife and unborn child. This other woman is a very kind-hearted girl that could have her heart hurt very easily. While my wife has no college education like this other girl, and may not be as smar, I am in love with my wife, yet don't know how I could be if I have these feelings towards another girl. I want to only concentrate on my wife. I don't no exactly what I am asking for advice on here. But I need to break contact with this other girl who has been a friend for a long time. And if I do, how can I do it lightly, or is that out of the question? And as a note, my wife does know this girl, but only on an acquantance terms.

 

Thanks for any suggestions, or notes

 

 

-Randy

[Mythical_Suicide]

You need to be blunt witht his girl, does she know you're married and have a child on the way? If not then you need to tell her to back off as well as you backing off and if she does know about this then she's a sad sad female. One thing I dont understand, you're worried about hurting this girl by ending things but what about your wife and unborn child?They need to be your first priority and you need to cut allc ontact with this other female ASAP.

[aaronmcds]

Yes, she does know i am married, I have also told her that I am in love with my wife.

[Mythical_Suicide]

And she is still persistent? Yea, I say you need to tell this girl to take a hike she obviously has no respect for you, your family nor herself it's best to get away from the situation now before you ruin what you have with a beautiful family.

[flower99]

Well Randy, I have to say I have the a lot of respect for you & for your desire to end this before it becomes something more, before you do damage to your marriage,wife & child. that is admirable.

 

I don't think you can end this with the women without hurting her. But it has to be done. And if she is half as smart as you say she will understand. You're married, she knows better.

I would email her & tell her something like.

Because of the feelings I have developed for you. I need to distance myself from you. I love my wife & unborn child with all my heart & can not do anything that would risk losing or hurting them. please respect my wishes and do not try to contact me...I wish you a life time of happiness....ect.

 

I realize you are doubting your love for your wife because of the feelings you've developed. But I truly believe you do love your wife. It is natural to be attracted to others & even occasionally to develope feelings...especailly when given the time to allow them to grow.. But you're doing what is wise and putting and end to this before it crosses the line. And keep your distance, you know what you have is something Great with your wife. Don't allow yourself to be distracted & tempted by another women.

You're a good man Randy...but do realize that this women is not as 'kind hearted' as you think, she is putting her feelings before your loving wife & unborn child.

[amtjrtcet]

Welcome to ENA Randy.....let me just tell you from previous personal experience. The fact that you are "attracted" to another woman does NOT mean that you are not truly in love with your wife. But you have to use self control. You have to truly understand what the consequences of infidelity would mean for you and your family.

 

Your entire marriage would be ruined. Your child will end up spending his/her childhood at different addresses every other wknd. You would be crushing the life that you and your wife have built together. Your vows would no longer have any meaning.

 

My advice to you is STOP. I realize you have developed "feelings" for this other woman, but you are a married man, and a father. You have to cut off contact with the other woman. If she is any kind of REAL WOMAN she will understand and respect you. The fact that she has said that she "wants to be with you" knowing you are a married man makes me think she has no morals and no class. She's willing to be a mistress.

 

I've been on the receiving end of this kind of situation....it ruins everything. All the years, love, trust.....every bit of it is ruined. And those that stay together after an affair, its never the same.

[agent1607307371]

And she keeps after you? Then she is not as kind-hearted as you make her out to be. If she's so smart then she knows what she's doing and is not your friend.

 

Also, while you go to pains to tell us about your gf's qualities, that she is smart and kind-hearted and going places, all you tell us about your wife is that she has no college degree and is not as smart as the other girl. Think about that.

 

You have to sit the other girl down and tell her point blank to leave you alone. You say you are not good at rejecting people, but think about the outcome it could have. The negative outweighs any positive by a long, long way. You have to suck it up and just do it. Quickly, like ripping a plaster off.

[candy604]

Be Smart and don't contact this lady anymore. If this lady was truly smart, she would know not to mess around with a married man. You should also realize this as well and this lustful feeling for her. You need to stop it and realize what you are doing is wrong.

 

There will ALWAYS be other people in the world that can be a good match for you but you need to draw the line.Will you go after every single person you meet that may be right for you as well? No coz it'll be ridiculous. There will also be interesting people you meet that intrigue you, but you again you need to keep your distance.

 

Like when you first met your wife, think of those times of what you loved about her and why you wanted to marry her. Be faithful to her

 

You need to be a man and say, hey leave me alone, i'm married. Don't give the excuse of " i am not very good with rejection." b/c that's lame. Its your marriage your talking about and you should be willing to stand up for it.

 

She is not your friend, you both have feelings for each other, that is more than a friend. You shoulld just stop talking to her, or tlel her ur busy etc..or tell her i can't be friends with you b/c of what is going on and it's wrong. I'm married and i need to be with my wife and child.

[Texas Star]

I totally agree with agent.

 

She is very smart, and has a major future in store for her. I believe that I couldn't ever trust her or be a relationship with her. However, alongside the little emotional feelings, I also have a major physical aspect for her as well.

 

What does it matter that she has a future in store for her? Are you thinking that this affair could turn into something life-long? Why does it matter if she's educated if you don't think you could ever trust her or be in a relationship with her?

 

 

She is extremely attractive and gives me a feeling of lustfullness towards her.

I am a good-hearted person towards many and have never been good at giving rejection. Yet, I know that if I did commit a physical affair, I would feel unbelievably guilty and betraying to both my wife and unborn child.

 

You claim to be kind-hearted, but if you have the audacity to commit a full-on affair... that's not kind hearted to your wife, who should be your main concern. You seem worried that this girl will have her feelings hurt:

 

This other woman is a very kind-hearted girl that could have her heart hurt very easily.

 

But it's your pregnant wife you should be thinking of.

 

While my wife has no college education like this other girl, and may not be as smar, I am in love with my wife, yet don't know how I could be if I have these feelings towards another girl. I want to only concentrate on my wife.

 

Again, I agree with everyone else... just suck it up and tell her up front that you are dedicated to your wife and do not want to see her or talk to her again. Tell her that you don't necessarily want to hurt her, but your priority is your wife and that being in contact with her is putting that in jeapordy.

 

You say you want advice about how to break it off with her, but with your descriptions of both women, it almost sounds like you're trying to rationalize having the affair. My suggestion is to think about what made you fall in love with your wife. Think about the love you both have for your kids. Think about the future of your family... NOT about what about the other woman you like, NOT about her bright future, and NOT about the lust. There are other ways to get your rocks off that don't involve other women. Stick with your family, man. Nut up and tell the girl to go away.

 

I believe that in every relationship there comes a point where everyone has a decision to make. Do you follow the lustful feelings, or stick with the one you love? It's a big decision and one that is extremely difficult, but it IS a decision. Don't EVER pretend that, whatever happens, your CHOICE was something else.

[HarleyHunny]

I don't see how either of you could be considered 'kind hearted'. Kind hearted people don't dabble on such dangerous ground, nor do they pursue those who are married. Just my 2 cents.........

[fnlyfrei]

My two centavos here...

 

Anyone that knows you are married..even if it isn't a perfectly happy marriage...who persues you. Is a creep. (Male or female) And guess what...if you decided to marry them...you would never feel safe or secure with them..after all...marriage means nada to them. I won't even go into why in this great big overpopulated world why ANYONE would choose someone married..regardless of how unique and awesome they claim you are....when there are hoards of other potential mates around...there's something inherently wrong with them.

[Kalika]

You could lose your wife and your baby forever if you decide to pursue this. The consequences of divorce for your unborn child will stay with him or her for the rest of their life. Your physical attraction to this fool of a woman would go away if you could peer into the future and see what it would be like if your wife left you, and all you had left was her.

 

You need to stop seeing this woman as something she's not. Any woman that would try to steal a man right out from his pregnant wife's nose has no conscience, values, or class. And I guarantee that if she's trying it with you, she's trying it with some other married guy, too ... or she eventually will.

[aaronmcds]

Thanks to everybody, this has been a help. This is perhaps the only helpful forum I have ever stumbled upon.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you say this about her: 'This other woman is a very kind-hearted girl that could have her heart hurt very easily.'

 

really, even if you perceive her as 'kind-hearted' she is really being VERY selfish going after you... some people are very self centered or spoiled, and used to having what they want and not taking no for an answer, or even thinking about the effects of their behavior on other people...

 

she may be intellectually smart, but sounds very narcissistic, or emotionally immature to chase a married man with a pregnant wife... really that is either totally cruel, or she is very UN-self aware when it comes to examining her own behavior...

 

this is such a loaded situation for you, and many people have strange moments when they're confronting the reality of changing their own life with a child and family committments, so maybe some of your interest here is avoiding your own feelings of fear or being trapped when you are faced with a life changing event...

 

please cut off contact with her, tell her you have a child to think about now... i am sure as soon as your baby is born, you will have new feelings of bonding with your wife and child as a family... don't let a selfish temptress ruin that for you before you even get a chance to experience it... this other woman may be smart, but smart has nothing to do with kindness and recognizing that a baby deserves a father at home, more than she deserves another lover...

[Rabican]

I would say this:

 

Other Girl, there is something I need to tell you, and I know this probably isnt what you want to hear, but here it goes. I have decided that its best if we no longer continued as friends. You are a great person, and I dont do this out of malice, or hate, or lack of respect for you. However, I am married, and continuing this friendship with you, is going to have a negative affect on my marriage. I simply cannot be married, and be friends with you, and act like everything is just normal, and ok. There are simply too many feelings involved for me to pretend it could be so.

I hope you understand, good bye.

 

Simple enough.

[radioheader]

yes....rabican said it well...it comes accross as very logical and practical...not emotional and sappy....to the point and i think she will get the mesage without it feeling like you are trying to hurt her...good luck!

[aaronmcds]

I contacted her for the last time. I tried to keep it short. While I think it worked, I was called a liar, and heartbreaker. She thinks I led her on and since my heart is broke, she thinks I needed revenge. Which points to the fact that I probably did it to late. However, beyond this issue, I do feel better and more pure. I feel like it made my commitment to my family stronger. Yet I am still bothered. I feel like I should tell my wife. Is this a good idea? I know it will upset her, considering that she has never liked this woman in the first place. I am worried about the unneeded stress on my child. SHould I wait another 3 months for the baby to be born? It's not that I am afraid she will find out ( I live in a small 50,000 pop town), I just feel like she needs to know.

[Kalika]

If nothing physical happened, there is no point in hurting your wife and telling her ... Maybe if you absolutely feel you have to, you should do it AFTER the pregnancy. Trust me when I say that anxiety is bad for the baby.

 

If you do decide to tell her, you have to recognize the possibility that your wife may not believe that nothing physical happened between you two. And she will make demands on you that may seem unreasonable, but bear with her.. She will be feeling extremely insecure, on top of having a new baby to deal with ... The idea that you almost had an affair while she was pregnant, and that you were attracted to someone else, will be very painful for her to deal with. So definitely take your time about making the decision to come clean.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

well. the other woman does sound very narcisssitic, to be so upset when you didn't even sleep with her... she is probably being manipulative too, trying to scare you into giving her what she wants...

 

the only reason you wife needs to know is if you think that this woman would carry out a threat and lie to your wife and say you did actually have an affair... how good is your relationship with your wife? would she believe you if you told her that nothing sexually actually occurred, or would she believe the other woman?

 

that is a risk you have to take, and if you genuinely did not sleep with that woman, if push came to shove, you could tell her the truth, and agree to take a lie detector test to prove it! but the problem is, you did play with fire, so might definitely consider counseling with your wife if this woman does 'out' your flirtation with her, to prove your own commitment to your wife, and regret that you were indiscreet in flirting with her...

[Rabican]

You might want to talk to your wife and say:

 

 

Hey, you know so and so from my work, well I wanted to let you know that I wont be friends with her any longer. It became apparant to me that she had/has feelings for me, and I did not want the same to occur on my end, so I ended the friendship so that it did not interfere with our marriage.

 

You may want to add that this woman was a bit taken aback by this and didnt take it very well for some unknown reason. NOthing happened, but you think she had hoped that maybe it would. So if she ever shows up on your door lying about something that never happened, you wanted to tell your wife the truth now.

[Northalius]

You have to let anger of her not respecting you, since she knows you're married, back you up on telling her to take a hike. Do not let the thought of "hurting her feelings" get in the way. You must use righteous anger (which isn't a bad thing, as long as someone is doing something wrong, and you don't overreact) against her.

 

Obviously, do not touch her, or yell, but stand firm, and tell her straight to her face, maybe something like: "I'm a married man, and I will not disrespect my wife by going any further with you in this relationship. If you like or love me as much as you seem to express, then you'll respect me enough to end this, and let me go on with my life without you."

 

You end it by quitting cold turkey. You end it by being a man, an adult man, and telling her to her face that this will not go on any longer. The only slack she takes is the slack you give her; so stop giving her slack, and cut it off altogether by bluntly and sternly confronting her on this issue.

 

End it once and for all.