A Man Not Interested In Sex?!

[Saturn0088]

Ok, I have never posted on a bulletin board anywhere online before, but I need to get someone's feedback on this, because it has been driving me crazy for all of my life, and I can't seem to shake this one on my own...

 

For as long as I can remember - I have never been interested in sexual intercourse with a woman. I find women physically appealing and arousing to think about, however, the idea of sex has never meant much to me. I was only with a woman physically once in my life, and that was in college. She obviously had a much higher sexual drive than I did - because she wanted to mess around all the time, and I was more about being together, kissing, holding, etc. Needless to say, this became very hard for me to deal with when it came time to performing in bed. We basically only practiced oral sex, because it was the only form of sex that I actually enjoyed. We were both really good at what we did for each other, and at first, everything was okay. We used a lot of foreplay with each other, which was great too, but when it came to having intercourse, I would almost always lose the erection and become extremely frustrated with myself. The simplest I can put it... there is nothing about having intercourse that excited me, AT ALL.

 

A little about my relationship I had. The girl I was with was not your average girl (I know, but then - who is average these days?). She was really good looking, and on the outside, appeared as innocent as any other girl. But once I got to know her, she was anything but. She was a cutter, for one - and frequently had scars on her body (upper thighs, back, hidden areas, etc.) which kinda freaked me out (not just physically, but emotionally because I really loved her and wanted to understand why she felt she needed to do this). She had just recently had an abortion, she slept with men rather easily until I met her and tried to offer her a different viewpoint on these matters. She was molested by her brother when she was a young girl, and had visited many older men in strange hotel rooms through her early teens for some reason to have sex with them... and who knows what else that she never got around to telling me about. So, you get the idea - the skeletons didn't just come out of her closet, they actually came out and started beating me on the head. So, long story short - I became frustrated from sexual failure and the fact that she couldn't devote herself to me and reciprocate a real relationship, and we broke it off towards the end of college, having never spoken again, even to this day.

 

Since then, I have not been in a relationship of any kind. I'm an extremely independent person, so I'm not sure if it was a bad first experience that scared me out of it, or that I just all-together don't feel like I need someone else in my life to be happy. In any case, the thought of myself not 'being of the norm' bothers me from day to day. Society brings us up to believe that we're all the same in this regard, and it's hard to deal with the reality that you're something completely different. Masturbation is fine from time to time, but it only leaves me feeling more guilty about everything because it's mostly filled with fantasies of roll-playing and such (fantasies that are unrelated to intercourse, as well). There's nothing physically wrong with me either - I'm a tall, confident, good looking guy, in his early 20's that is well educated, well traveled, good family and close friends... so I can't figure out why I am like this.

 

So anyways, this opener has been long enough now. Hopefully at least 1 or 2 of you actually made it through reading to this point. If anyone has any insight they'd like to throw my way - I'd certainly appreciate it.

[doyathink]

I really dont know what to say other then...do what feels right to you. Thats all that really matters. If you dont feel the need...then dont do it.

[Saturn0088]

I appreciate your reply. And as much as I wish there were easy to do, it also makes it that more difficult to pursue a relationship with someone on any level in the future if I decided to roll the dice again. I mean - how many women out there out of 100 do you really think would even consider being with a man that was not interested in, at least at some point, having sexual intercourse?

[Dako]

We all experience sexuality in our own way.

I don't see anything all that odd about not wanting sex.

 

There may be few women who want a sexless relationship, but they must be wondering where you are, too.

[Saturn0088]

I'm not saying that it's completely odd, because I know that asexual people and people with extremely low sexual drives (either of which, may describe myself) exist - it just makes living very difficult. You go see movies, listen to music, hear stories people tell about having sex all the time - and it slowly eats at you. Especially for a young 20's man... it really eats away at you. It's hard enough trying to meet someone these days based on personality compatibility, let alone whether you're even interested in sex at all. It's just very frustrating.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Maybe you aren't connecting sex with pleasurable feeling subconsciously- there's a fear there. If you could explore the emotional process you go through when you think of sex then it might help understand where the 'turnoff' is.

 

When I was growing up I hated tomatoes- now I love them. Change is a process- I was thinking tomatoes were soft and disgusting and I was not interested in them at all. At some point that just changed- it was a process - but it was a habit rather than 'who I was'.

 

I don't think there's any difference between my situation and yours. There's a reason you don't like it and once you understand that you can decide whether that's really a useful thing for you or not. It sounds like you aren't comfortable with your lack of interest in sex- it's limiting you and I think it would be helpful to find someone to hep you explore your thought processes about this.

Good luck!

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Also I've been through many phases where sex was a total turnoff to me too. I started swimming and getting more exercise and new hobbies I found my drive coming back.

[Saturn0088]

Hey Happytown,

 

Thanks for your comments. I know what you mean about the tomato thing, and it's funny you mention that similarity in particular, because the same thing did happen to me with tomatos. Haha... Anyways, I think that my issue runs a little deeper than just running through a phase though. I mean, I've been physically active for years now.. and have developed throughout the years, a very optimistic, positive outlook on life. But still, nothing changes. To be honest - I would even say that intercourse to me is a turn-off, infact. The idea of what's going on just doesn't compute or make sense to me... there's no real easy way to explain what I mean by that - but I just don't feel a desire for it at all. I have tried changing my views on sexual intercourse over the years too... for example, while masturbating - trying to find pleasure in the idea of this act - but nothing happens... it never has.

[breeze33]

It is unusual because men your age are in their sexual peak.

 

Your low sex drive and inability of an erection could be due to low testosterone levels, thyroid or endocrine problems. You should discuss this with your doctor instead of resigning yourself to a life of a monk (not that there's anything wrong with that but still)....if it can be fixed, you should do it.

[Saturn0088]

I've considered consulting a doctor. I've consulted a psychiatrist in the past in the hopes that it was something that therapy sessions could heal - which in hindsight was quite naive of me. I don't particuarly care for taking medicines that affect the way that I think and act to that magnitude. I know you're right though - that it at least an optional way to go. I honestly am content living without sex - I just wish it didn't effect my social life so much with women. I mean, I'm at the point - where I'll literally avoid women because I don't even want to take the chance that things could possibly get sexual. I know that sounds crazy - but once your self-esteem has been shot down as far as mine has (or any man's who has been in a similar situation or sexual inadequacy), it tends to happen.

[highspeed]

I am having the same problem. I am 20 years old, and I am at an all time low. I am no depressed or stressed, or afraid of anything. I remember the days when I wanted to * * * * everything. Now I have a fully functional erection, but there is no desire behind it. I have researched nights on end over the past year, and I have come to two conclusions. My diet, and hormones. Currently I am shifting my diet. I am taking vitamin supplements daily. I am trying to avoid any food that is unhealthy. I am trying out exercising in the morning. Literally, right when I wake up. I am trying to jump start my metabolism. Maybe it went borderline dormant.

 

Surprisingly I masturbated 3 times today! That is incredible, because I have always gone months without any pleasure at all. I don't know if it is a fluke, but hopefully it will work. If it is a fluke however, I am going to go talk to my doctor about my hormones.

 

I have been to the doctor before, and they aren't too helpful. Be sure when you go to your doctor, don't believe them. What I mean is, don't just accept the first answer they give you. I went through a problem with my doctor. He is a * * * * * * *. No doctor really knows the exact reason for low libido, but it is many things. You must talk to him about everything. If they offer a suggestion or a test, put it aside and find out all the other suggestions and tests. They will probably have one thought in mind, and stick to that, because that is what they are trained to do.

 

And don't just accept: "There is nothing but a change in lifestyle that can cure it". I believed that and I got no where fast.

[Saturn0088]

I know what you mean.. I've stayed up nights on end as well researching into what my problem could be... only to come to the same conclusion that you and everyone else has - there are many causes of it, and so many in fact, that you'll never narrow it down to just one thing. And this is another reason that I don't really want to see a doctor to get this fixed. If it's a real problem, I don't want to just take some medicine to make it go away. I'd rather address the issue so that I can live my life normally without taking some sort of pills or a shot or something. And again, honestly - I don't really mind not having sex. And this is because I don't see anything beneficial about it. To refer back to an earlier post, I honestly do feel like a monk, in some respects. I actually enjoy living my life without sex, because sex - in my opinion - really complicates things. And that's fine and all if a person is actually actively interested in engaging in it. But if I'm not even interested in it in the first place, I don't see why I should seek out a way to fix it just to make things more complicated for myself. I don't mean to shoe everyone's great advice away like it doesn't mean anything - but what I'm really looking for here, is not something to 'cure' me... b/c I don't think there's anything really wrong wtih me. I just need advice on how to move on and not let this interfere with my social life anymore - so that I can have some peace of mind for once. I can't tell you what that would be worth to me...

[breeze33]

I work in the health field and thought low sex drives were a problem of elderly men but was amazed to see young men in their 20s and 30s suffering from this very same problem. So, Saturn, you are not alone. Usually it was due to low testosterone levels--- the 'sexual drive' hormone. I have not heard of any side effects, in fact, once they get treated, these men have more energy, look happier and want the medication.

 

You really should find out if it is a medical problem first and then go from there. Don't give up. It must bother you, otherwise you would not be here asking for advice!

[Saturn0088]

Thanks Breeze,

 

It definitely does bother me... but honestly, I'm not even sure if the 'sexual drive' is what's lacking with me. Because when you have a 'lack of drive' for sex, you still understand why sex is appealing, or should be appealing, but you just don't become aroused by it. In my situation, I honestly understand the need for an orgasm, but simply don't understand the phsyical act of sex. It's very hard to explain... It's not like a woman is making love to me, and I'm ready for sex but just can't get it up... I just don't find anything stimulating to get aroused about. I know it's hard to understand what I mean by explaining the differnce like that - but it's the best I know how. Like, assume that you have a sport that you love to play (the sport being a metaphore for sex). A person that needs a shot would need it because they just lost the urge to play the sport, but they still understand why the game would be fun, and have probably even played it before. But in my case, I don't even understand why the sport is played, and furthermore, don't get any enjoyment out of it. It's the sport equivalence of me standing on one place and kicking a wall. LOL - sorry to have to break it down to such a descriptive comparison - but... now, maybe it is easier to understand.

[puff.tm.dragon]

Lack of interest in sex can be caused by poor performance. You're subconsciously thinking what's the point if I can't pleasure her.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Are you happy like this? I had a few thoughts when I read your post, and I honestly don't mean to offend you:

 

i). There is nothing wrong with having a low sex drive - so long as you're happy with it. However, for many, they want a partner, children, and a relationship. Are you happy being celibate for the foreseeable future?

 

ii). Do you think you might be gay? That was the first thought that struck me - girls don't really do it for you; have you thought about guys? I have heard something similar you see from men who came out in their thirties.

 

iii). The girl you had a sexual relationship with - she sounds SCARY to me, to be honest; the promiscuity, the troubled background etc. Not necessarily someone you might feel comfortable with sexually. Maybe that's kind of put you off?

 

iv). I would suggest that before you write off sex forever, you make an appointment with a psycho-sexual therapist - I work with one, and I think you would benefit talking with a professional. I can get you references if you PM me, although I'm based in the UK.

 

My personal view is that I am NOT judging you for not being interested in sex, but I would suggest that you explore these issues with a professional so you can decide in your own mind if you are comfortable being asexual, or if there are other issues that you want to address.

 

Let me know if you want me to dig out some references - good luck!

[Saturn0088]

Honey Pumpkin,

 

Thank you for your reply. First off, I want you to know, that I know you didn't say anything in that response to intentionally offend me. And with that being said, I'd like to point out that I think it's very shallow of people to automatically assume (especially females) that a man is gay because he doesn't enjoy sex. I did point out in the original post that women do get me aroused, and that phsyically, I am attracted to them. I made no mention that they did not turn me on, and forgive me for this reply - but I've had so many women in the past ask me this question, and it honestly irritates me. If a woman doesn't enjoy sex, the first thing people (men or women) think is that she just has a hormone problem. But as soon as it's a man that doesn't want sex, it MUST be because he's gay. Alright - I'm going to cut myself off here.. because, honestly... I know you didn't mean anything by it. And again - I apologize for coming off like this - but I think that females in general have to stop being so stereotypical of men in this situation, because it's THAT attitude, which frustrates the hell out of men like me and drives us to discussion boards like this because we're so misunderstood.

 

On a lighter response, yes.. the girl that I was with probably wasn't the best 'first girlfriend' encounter - and it definitely IS possible that many things from the relationship shook my confidence in how a relationship should be, even when it comes to sex. However, I am comfortable living life without sex, although, there are times that I wish I had someone to care about and that cared for me the same - as we all do. It's just unfortunate that this one thing I am not interested in, happens to be a huge part of what apparently in everyone else's eyes makes a relationship, a relationship. Again, although I have every respect for people (men or women) who choose a gay lifestyle, I honestly can say that men do not arouse me in any way. My question that I asked is rather difficult to answer, so I respect everyone's responses in an effort to offer some closure. This is why it's taken me my whole life, and may take the rest of it to figure out how to become comfortable living this kind of lifestyle.

[breeze33]

Saturn, it seems you have already made a conclusion about yourself (well, you know yourself better than we on a messageboard!) and have resigned to living a celibate life. That is okay if that is what makes you happy----and yet you don't sound happy or fulfilled.

 

I think there are a combination of things going on here: something physical as well as mental. Having been in a bad relationship that destroyed your self-esteem may have made things worse.

 

Anyway, the biggest sex organ and stimulant is the brain. Maybe you just haven't met the right person who has triggered your sexual desire. When you feel the emotions of falling in love with someone, don't you think this will trigger the physical desire to make love to the one you love? Or are you saying that if you fall in love with a woman, you will love her but not want to have sex with her?

[Saturn0088]

Hey Breeze,

 

I guess I'm really not sure what would happen - I am a very rational man, and try not to jump to conclusions or judge a book by it's cover - so I imagine that anything is possible if I met the right woman. When I'm with someone I care about, I want to get close to her, so in that respect, I do understand where the idea of sexual intercourse being the closest thing two people can share comes from. I suppose it's just the actual act of sex itself that I have a hard time grasping. As you pointed out, the brain is the largest stimulant that the body has, and I agree with that. My problem is that my brain doesn't find anything stimulating or arousing about intercourse. I find foreplay arousing, I find oral sex stimulating, I even find role-playing very arousing, but intercourse does nothing for me. I'm not sure why either. And that's the reason that I am so lost right now. Seeing as how my last girlfriend was my first and only one - I think I did a rather excellent job at pleasing her, considering I had no experience prior to it. But the whole time, I was kindof hoping that she'd just be happy with what we already had. And when she wanted the whole package - and I couldn't deliver, even though I honestly tried, it really shot down my self esteem. I guess I would like to think that under the right circumstances, with a woman that I truly felt comfortable with, that my mind may just automatically change gears because it will be a situation that I've never encountered before, and a feeling that I've never felt. Here's hoping...

[candy604]

hey just wondering, if you do meet that person you want to marry, would you be willing to have sex with her if she wanted to?

 

It sounds to me that your self-esteem is low in performing and perhaps you don't want to be embrassed again hence the fear or even then, you may not have been ready for sex. Sex is a huge step and if your not ready to take that step, i guess it can have it's consquences if your taking it when ur not ready. Sorry to hear about your last relationship.

 

or you can say hey " i'll wait for marriage to have sex"coz then it has meaning and something valuable you can share with your wife.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I'd like to point out that I think it's very shallow of people to automatically assume (especially females) that a man is gay because he doesn't enjoy sex.

 

I knew that would offend you - I'm sorry, although I must say I don't think it's a negative thing to be gay. I don't think it's 'very shallow' to ask that question either. I have some friends who forced themselves to live a straight lifestyle until they were in their forties, and then came out. I think it was/is a valid question, to be honest. And it's something I would have asked a woman too - sexuality is a complex beastie, and it's no good shirking away from the obvious questions - especially on an advice board!

 

I thought it might be that you were asexual (I heard about it on the radio a while back) - the definition is this:

 

"Asexuality is a general term or self-designation for people who lack sexual attraction or otherwise find sexual behavior unappealing. There is debate as to whether this is a sexual dysfunction or a sexual orientation. Furthermore, there is disagreement over the exact definition of the word. The term is sometimes used as a gender identity by those who believe their lack of sexual attraction places them outside the traditional definitions of gender. There has been little research done on asexuality, but those studies that have been conducted suggest that, if it is a sexual orientation, it is among the least common."

 

But you are adamant that you are attracted to women, and you do enjoy fantasies and foreplay, it's intercourse that doesn't work for you. I still would say you should see a psycho sexual counsellor, because you don't seem to want to be celibate, exactly, nor are you asexual. They would be able to talk through the physiological aspects and the psychological aspects, and help you work through these issues, and if it is a problem or not. It IS a problem if you're not happy - and you don't sound happy...

 

Good luck

[highspeed]

I myself have no desire to have sex, but I do on a rare occasion. Every other month or so. I have no problem with foreplay any time, and I had no problem pleasuring my ex. Everything was there for me but the fantasies of having sex. I know what it is like, because I used to have all of the above, plus the desire to have sex about 2 years ago. I no longer have the desire to have sex. My penis size is above average(its pretty big), and the sex I had wasn't bad sex. There is absolutely no problem in my eyes. It must be something internal for me. I just have no desire to have sex. I guess I am in a similar pool as you. If the diet change works for me, maybe you should try it too. Lack of vitamins to create testosterone could be causing the low libido for both of us.

 

P.S. I am attracted to girls 100%. Trust me, I know I'm not gay either.

[arwen]

Lately I have been posting a lot on here about a man I had a relationship with who turned out to be asexual, so you might be able to find some people here who are experiencing the same thing! I think that what you say here is quite common for the stories I have read and the experience I have with someone who is not interested in sex. I recognize what you say about the world being SO focused on sex, while you don't see what is so appealing about it. That is why asexuality is not the same as having just a very low sex drive, it is the lack of sexual desire whatsoever. And generally, people who are this way are perfectly happy having no sex, if it wasn't for how the 'norm' of human life is presented in media or let's say everywhere you go.

 

Have you ever been on this board?

 

link removed

 

I think that you will find MANY people who are similar to you there. And you will also find that they are very very interested people who are focused, in my opinion, on so much great things in life. I think that in fact, if sex wasn't 'sold' the way it is now in commercials, movies, etc, that people would at least be a bit less focused on it. There is so much more to life, and for those who are sexually interested (I think the majority is but sexdrives again are very different per person), sex is just ONE of the aspects of life or a relationship. I think that even without sex you can be very intimate with a person. But as you say, you need to find someone who doesn't have sexual needs. That why this ex broke off the relationship. We were together for 6 months of which I was travelling (not with him) for one month. Upon my return he told me about the fact he didn't enjoy sex. For him, the physical arousal was there but reaching orgasm was not a pleasurable experience for him. From that moment things went south, although our bond was great all the time (like best friends), we went from no sex, to no sleeping over, to finally also no kissing or touching. All fell into place when I read the website: why he didn't like to be touched and would feel ticklish instead of aroused when touched down there, why he would after sex (we did have a bit of a sexlife before he told me) directly start doing something else, and not want to sleep with his intimate parts naked so to say, why his way of kissing seemed weird (I was his first gf so I figured it was shyness), how sex felt like a chore, how he could suddenly start about totally strange topics or get dressed while we were making out. I am not sorry for myself, and also not for him. He is happier if he doesn't feel the obligation to have sex because that is just what you are supposed to do with a gf. I feel happy that I learned about this, and that I still have a great friend in him.

 

I hope this story helps you.

 

Arwen

[quietgrl]

I would check out the asexual forum because some asexual have no sex drive and others do have some type of sex drive but doesn't want sex.

[breeze33]

Saturn, how old are you? Are you still in your early 20s? You could be feeling a lot of pressure from society, media and your peers to be this male stud and setting yourself to some high standard you think you cannot reach. I think you are being hard on yourself. It also sounds like you were traumatized by your first sexual experience. From your description, she did not sound like an emotionally healthy individiual.

 

There is some hope, esp if you feel that you could fall in love with the right person, want to get close to her, enjoy cuddling and foreplay. You never know: strong emotions plus affection and foreplay could lead into act itself and you could switch gears and want to do it all the time! My ex was very much into touching, cuddling and foreplay. He had a hard time with intercourse, though. A lot was due to performance anxiety caused by stress from work, school and low self-esteem and depression. The depression was from a brief episode of sexual abuse as a child and he was working on it (seeing a therapist) and getting better....especially sexually. But I won't kid you, he had to take medication for the depression. There were no side effects.

 

I also dated a man in his mid-30s who was still a virgin. People thought he was weird or gay for still being a virgin at his age. Once I got to know him, I found out he was socially backward when it came to women; he was someone who wanted to fall in love and get married and all the right emotions had to be there for him to have sex. Once we finally became intimate, he surprisingly switched gears! Prior to that, he never thought about sex and talked like it actually disgusted him.

 

Before you write yourself off as asexual, get to the route of the problem----and I am adamant about the medical part. Discuss with your doctor and get a complete physical including a testosterone level. This is more common than you think among young men. It wouldn't hurt to try.

 

If it's not medical, it could be performance anxiety. Sorry, but the last girl you were involved with sounded like a real mess and could have turned you off to actual intercourse. You sound like a sensitive type and this first relationship has deeply impacted you. Then you may want to go the route HoneyPumpkin suggested.

 

You are probably like my above exes, into touching, feeling and driven by emotions. I and most women prefer men like these than studs who are emotionally unavailable. It also helps to find a woman/partner who is at your level, emotional as well as sexual....but most important someone who is patient, understanding and is emotionally stable and who won't put you through the ups and downs your first one did. However, before you can have a successful relationship, you need to work on your problem.

 

I would hate to see you write yourself off as asexual and become a monk when you really haven't explored all the avenues. Find a good doctor and therapist willing to listen and help you. From your post, it sounds to me you don't want to be this way. Plus, how can you be asexual when you love foreplay? And if you find you are asexual, then just be happy with who you are.