A Man Not Interested In Sex?!

[Dannysgirl]

Hi Saturn,

 

The first thing I would do is see your doctor and have some tests done for testosterone levels. With me it really was that simple, my hormoes were all wrong and that was easily be fixed.

If there are no obvious hormonal problems then I would as the others have sugggested, see a sex counsellor to explore any issues you may having.

If you are truly asexual, that doesn't mean you have to be single for the rest of your life.

There are websites where you can meet others who are also asexual and still want to enjoy being in a loving relationship but don't want sex.

 

For example: link removed

 

Remember, there is nothing wrong with asexuality, if you feel like you don't want sex then there's no law saying you must have it.

In my case I knew there was something wrong with me because I used to have a very strong sex drive in my early to mid twenties so I knew I couldn't be asexual. All I needed was a change in medication and I've been fine since. I think that deep down you know what you want, you just have to listen to yourself and make a decision.

[Saturn0088]

At this point, I can not tell for sure if I simply have a low drive for sex, sexual anxiety, or if I just simply don't care for it at all, but am trying to have sex just because of societal pressures. Everything that you are all saying is really making sense to me, but they ALL sound like they're correct, which obviously can't be the case. For example, sex for me with my ex girlfriend did feel more like a chore most times. It was more like 'Well, it's nighttime - here we go...' I also slept with clothes on a lot, which she thought was very strange, and honestly - I never felt aroused from kissing or foreplay. I thought it was amusing and entertaining (kindof like going to see a movie)... but that was it. And now that I'm thinking back to it... that's really what frustrated me the most. I remember lying in bed with her, and being so freaked out because nothing was happening downstairs while she was on me and we were making out. And the thought of 'Oh crap. Nothing is happening downstairs. This is going to be embaressing when she reaches down there' kept rolling through my mind. And it's THESE reasons (clothes staying on, no physical arousal, etc), that I've also began blaming it more on sexual anxiety up until now. But you can see how this can also be interpretted as asexual at the same time.

 

The way a person eats and exercises absolutely contributes to the level of their libido - I have no doubt about this. But again, I have been living healthy for a few years now - and it's never made me want to go out and find someone to mess around with or anything.

 

For those of you who were interested, I am 23. And to an extent, it does feel like there are pressures coming from many places for me to be with a woman. Pressures from my family wondering if I'm ever going to be with someone serious, pressures from friends because I'm sure they're thinking it's a little awkward that I've only been with one girl in my life while some of them are already getting married, and of course pressures from myself to live up to what am man 'should' be at this point in his life. I almost think I would rather choose a celibate lifestyle, as long as I could push off the pressures from everyone else. I, personally, enjoy spending my time on thinking, hobbies and passions - rather than intimacy... but that's not to say that I don't want someone in my life to share these passions with. It's just extremely hard to find a woman that could understand me. When I AM intimate (kissing, foreplay, etc.) I'll admit, I am more feminine, in that - I do rather the touching, feeling, cuddling... pretty much the exact thing that most women I know are actually looking/hoping for in a man. Not to boast, but I am a terrific catch if it weren't for this sexual dilema I have. I honestly notice that there are LOTS of women who are interested in me (both phsyically and emotionally) and some have even made it very obvious - but I always ignore them or creatively push them away to avoid any future complications... And I hate living this way.

 

I'm going to check out that website to see what people are saying on there. Again - I really appreciate everyone giving me so much feedback on this. I can't tell you how much it's helping to hear people who understand. Now all I need to do is find a real flesh and blood woman in my life that feels the same. I understand the advice about consulting a Dr. about this, but again - I just don't feel like that's the correct path for me to be taking right now. The only thing that could come from it is finding out that my sexual drive is low - but that still wouldn't explain whether I actually CARE to have sex. This is something I need to find within myself, and you're all helping A LOT right now in this regard.

[candy604]

hm..were you emotional and physically attracted to your ex-gf? if you weren't, it's hard to get arounsed then.

 

Hopefully when the pressure is off, you'll be okay. Perhaps with pressure, your fightening against it so it makes you turn away from sex. Just best to quit worrying about it and when the time comes you need to settle down and have a wife, someone will appear for you This shouldn't be a concern right now, perhaps focusing on getting ur career going, enjoying life while your young is more important than worrying about your low sex drive.

 

Right now, i'm 23 years old same as you, my sexual needs are low right now coz i'm just focusing on getting my goals sorted out and finishing up school to get my career started. I'm not gonna threat over whether there's a guy for me or not or keep worrying that I won't find someone.

heh i do have a bf though, but we hardly see each other or do anything itimate anymore.

 

Perhaps you can just make friends with women? you don't neccessarily have to have a gf.

[Saturn0088]

Hey Candy,

 

I suppose you're correct. That truly is the best solution. I have been running my own business since I graduated college, and that keeps me busy most of the time. However, I tend to overthink things in life - I always have, and probably always will. My brain never slows down...EVER. And I don't neccessarily think that this is a bad thing, because I enjoy thinking - a lot. But in situations such as this, you are ultimately correct. When it comes to something infringing upon my actual life, then it needs to be set a priority number, and set aside. I've actually been reading into this asexuality website url that was recently posted in a reply to my post - and I think it's great! It really is putting my mind at ease that there are people who are so similar to me. So this will play a huge role in helping calm my mind down and feeling that everything is okay. Thank you very much for your reply.

[Saturn0088]

Oh, and I forgot to address your question - yes, I was attracted to her... but for all the wrong reasons. I thought that she was beautiful. But I simply didn't know what I wanted out of relationship when I was with her. She had a very high sex drive - and I.... well, I didn't even have a drive to have sex. So, had I known that going into it - it probably would've ended up very differently. I was mostly attracted to her strong personality and beliefs. I tend to care a lot more about a woman's ideals than her looks... It's a good trait to have in life, I think. I did get uptight with her when I was in bed, but it's most likely because I didn't want to actually be having sex and didn't know what to do. I really enjoy holding, cuddling, and all that good stuff - but become almost turned off to the idea of sex... at least as far as I know, until I REALLY get to know someone well. Perhaps if I was extremely comfortable with her and knew & trusted her more, things may have been different.

[candy604]

Sorry one more question, how long did you date and did you love her?

 

But i think that explains your turn off. Sorry to hear that. Sounds like you were not ready at all for the next step when the things you wanted were not in place. If i was in your situation, i'd feel awkard being put in that situation.

heh sounds like your the type of guy that needs emotional connection first before getting into the physical stuff that's great! we need more guys like that around. I'm sure when you find the right girl when the time comes you'll be over this ordeal

[Saturn0088]

Thanks again Candy.

 

Well, I knew her for about 8 months - and she had gotten out of a 4 year relationship a few months before I met her. This was the relationship that the abortion occurred during. I really loved her... a lot. And I tried hard to not make her decide to say we were actually 'dating'... but she was the kindof girl where if you didn't have those 'guidelines' in place, she would've more than likely slept with another guy rather easily. She had almost no female friends, and was the kinda girl that had a lot of guy friends around all the time that could very easily have been confused with being more than a friend. So, since we were being physical together, I felt kinda cheaped to just be used a f**k buddy or whatever while I actually had strong feelings for her. She said she loved me here and there, but I never really believed it. She would purposely tell me about how guys were hitting on her (probably to get me jealous - which was what happened). And when I told her to not talk to these people anymore b/c they were obviously hitting on her while we were at that point in a relationship, she got pissed at me for trying to control her. I'd say we actually dated for about a month or so - and I could tell that for whatever reason, she was miserable being with me, so I did what I knew was best for her and broke it off. I knew she wouldn't do it because she was afraid of hurting me, and I cared more about seeing her happy (even if it wasn't with me), than staying with me and being miserable. So we broke up, spoke maybe 1 more time afterwards - and haven't spoken since. I told her when breaking up that it would take time for me to talk with her again... because honestly I still loved her, and it would've been much too hard seeing her with another guy (which of course - she went right into anyways.. it actually wouldn't have surprised me if she was cheating during that 1 month we dated) and she took that completely wrong or something and completely * * * * *ed me out about this and that and we just never spoke. It was really a horrible way to end our communication and I still think about it from time to time. And this was 2 years ago. Not so much anymore these days - but like a cigarette smoker knows... you never really forget it, it just gets easier with time.

[highspeed]

I read somewhere that getting completely naked with someone and laying there, opens up the final frontier for trust. Don't know if the article was exactly explained like that, but for some people it works.

[Saturn0088]

I would believe it. It basically means that there's no longer anything left to hide. When you're naked, it's basically the psychological equivalent of hypnosis of the mind... but for your body. It's what we all try to hide and protect so that no one, including ourselves, can really find out who we are and what we're really about.