Kalika Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Say you have a partner that looks at porn (online, magazines, videos, etc). Just looking, no participating via webcam or anything like that. Assuming you have a healthy and satisfying sex life with this person, and that porn is something they view occasionally and have done so for years, do you have a right to ask that person to stop viewing it? Also, if they told you they would stop but didn't, what would you do? P.S. This is not a personal experience of mine, I just wanted to ask for your opinions.. !! Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I imagine you have the right to ASK. I personally don't understand why anyone would ask someone to stop doing something they enjoy but hey - that's just me. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I think it depends on whether the person knew that their partner was into that before gettin into a relationship with the porn watcher or not. If they didn't know about it, then I think that would be something to have a conversation about. However, if they knew about the porn watching and had problems with it, then that should have been addressed before getting into a relationship with the porn watcher. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I believe that you should be able to ask your partner anything, it should be an open relationship and as far as having the right to ask them to stop looking at porn, I think a person has that right. The partner has the same right to say no. I equate guys looking at porn like girls shopping. Not all like to do it and some are against it or even hate it. In my mind if a girl wanted to ask me to stop looking at pornography, then I would ask her to stop shopping. That seems like a completely fair assessment. Personally if a girl asked me that, I might as well end the relationship there because there are only going to be bigger issues at hand. Link to comment
chai714 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 You have a right to ask your partner anything you want. But is it reasonable? Throughout the relationship, each person learns what is acceptable to the other person and what is not. There's a line of respect in the equation somewhere, where you shouldn't really watch it in front of your sig. other if she finds it offensive. On the other hand, it has been known to enhance the sexual relations in some relationships. But I think it all depends on where the line is drawn so that the two people involved can agree on some sort of middle ground. Link to comment
Thunderforce Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I think you can't ask for someone to stop watching Porn. I've learned that most men watch porn. It's just a visualisation it has nothing to do with the partner. Watching porn has nothing to do with love, it's just watching sex, plain and simple. Two of my exes watched porn occasionally, the only thing I asked of them if they would be so kind to watch stuff like that when I'm not around. But I truly didn't feel bad or offended ... we had a normal sex-life for our selve with LOVE involved ... so ... no complaints from me. Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 You have the right to bring up anything that bothers you, keeping in mind that you don't have dominion over someone else's life. If your partner says s/he will stop, but doesn't, the issue that needs discussion is one of not living up to his/her promises. However... I think that there is a lot of overreaction to the viewing of adult images. Misogyny aside (it isn't all that way), there is much information that can be gleaned from pornographic materials which can greatly enhance a couple's own sexual pleasure, and I wouldn't have a problem with it unless a) it was taking opportunity away from my own sex life, or b) my partner was communicating with the participants involved in producing it. Link to comment
Aleadragonhawk Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I think what you have to look at in this situation is that the actions of one partner are making the other uncomfortable. Emotions are valid, and in a strong relationship, the couple should be able to bring up the topic and discuss why each of them feel the way they do. Link to comment
Northalius Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 If you're watching porn, it's proof you're not totally satisfied with your current relationship. It shows a type of relationship immaturity, as well, if you don't care about stopping to save the relationship. So, I know it's okay to ask them to stop. If they don't, then I'm out of that relationship. If they can't do something so simple, as to stop watching porn at my request, then what else would they not respect me about doing behind my back? Sorry, it's not a good thing for a relationship. You have a right to ask them to stop whatever you know'll be a problem in your relationship; as do they have that same right to ask you to sacrifice things that'll possibly ruin the relationship. It's a two-way street, not one. Can you force them? Certainly not. But, you have the freedom to decide whether to stay with the person or not in light of them not respecting your request(s). Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Northalius, you make some good points, but I disagree strongly with your first: If you're watching porn, it's proof you're not totally satisfied with your current relationship. No, it's not proof of anything in and of itself. Many happy couples incorporate erotic materials into their relationships. One could make the same invalid argument about one's partner wanting to hang with friends - "Why am I not enough?" Link to comment
Northalius Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Northalius, you make some good points, but I disagree strongly with your first: No, it's not proof of anything in and of itself. Many happy couples incorporate erotic materials into their relationships. One could make the same invalid argument about one's partner wanting to hang with friends - "Why am I not enough?" True. Maybe I should've said "usually evidence of" instead of "proof." But, I strongly believe this to be true in most relationships. If one person is watching porn and fantasizing about other people, when they can simply do it with their partner, then something is lacking in that relationship; plainly, one of them being communcation. Hey, if they both like it, that's up to them. But if one clearly doesn't, and the other does, then they should either break up if nothing can be resolved, or the one watching porn can stop for their partner. If you think having friends is the same as watching porn, then what if I said we can go further, and say "What if your partner has physical sex with another person? Is it okay with you? Since, hey, she has friends other than you, too! Why shouldn't she have sex partners other than you, as well?" So when it comes down to it: it'd be up to both of you to decide just how open your relationship is. Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I WHOLEHEARTEDLY disagree Northalius, that looking at porn means anything at all EXCEPT that people are turned on by sex, sexual explicit things, images, thoughts etc. We are hard wired to crave sex. Come on. To say that getting horny and looking at porn means your dissatisfied in your relationship.....I just don't even know how to respond. And comparing having other friends to other sexual partners...where are you from? What the ??? Seriously.... OP - if you've asked him not to look at porn, don't expect him to stick to it. It's unnatural. If you can't be with a guy who likes to look at porn, good luck. I'm not saying there not out there, but I bet in SMALL quantities.... If he's disrespectful of your feelings, that's another story but I bet that would manifest itself in other areas as well, not just porn... Don't let yourself be disrespected or made to feel uncomfortable but also try to make realistic demands. That's MY opinion based advice Link to comment
Kalika Posted January 23, 2007 Author Share Posted January 23, 2007 Seriously.... OP - if you've asked him not to look at porn, don't expect him to stick to it. It's unnatural. If you can't be with a guy who likes to look at porn, good luck. I'm not saying there not out there, but I bet in SMALL quantities.... Lol I knew at some point that someone would think it was a personal thing ... hence the disclaimer at the end of the post: P.S. This is not a personal experience of mine, I just wanted to ask for your opinions.. !! Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Well - regardless if it's a personal experience or not - the advice or the opinon is the same. Be respected whilst being realistic Link to comment
TiredMan Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 You certainly have a right to ask. They have a right to say no or to laugh hysterically as well. Link to comment
MollyElise Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I think that of course the person who is bothered by it has a right to ask their partner to stop and their partner has the right to tell them to go to where the sun don't shine. But I doubt the outcome would be what they truly desire; first off, their partner is going to feel controlled so they will either stop totally (which I doubt) but then most likely become somewhat resentful of the fact that they can't look at porn if they want to; or they are going to start doing it in secret bringing a whole nother bag of issues to the table. If I was in this fictional person's situation, partner views porn but I don't like it just b/c I don't like it, I would try and talk to my partner about how it makes me feel... something like, because I know you look at porn I feel less sexy to you b/c I know I don't look like the porn stars that get you so excited. This could open up discussion lines that will lead to an amicable agreeement depending on the couple. Link to comment
jengh Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 i feel like you have every right to ask them to... and i also feel they have every right to say no. it's a harmless hobby. unless it's ruining your intimacy, I don't see anything wrong with it. Link to comment
jengh Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 oops, sorry molly elise. you said the same thing i was going to put Link to comment
MollyElise Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 So, I know it's okay to ask them to stop. If they don't, then I'm out of that relationship. If they can't do something so simple, as to stop watching porn at my request, then what else would they not respect me about doing behind my back? Sorry, it's not a good thing for a relationship. You have a right to ask them to stop whatever you know'll be a problem in your relationship; as do they have that same right to ask you to sacrifice things that'll possibly ruin the relationship. It's a two-way street, not one. North - I can undrstand some of where you are coming from, but at the same time I fundamentally disagree. I don't think it would be beneficial to a fair relationship if you told your partner you need to 100% stop watching porn or I'm leaving you. What if you enjoy reality TV and your SO thought that reality TV was the downfall of our civilization and did nothing but waste brain power and they told you, quit watching reality TV or I cannot be with you? I can understand at an early dating stage maybe if that difference was noted then you say, ok well this won't work; but lets be honest, you're on date #3 with a person you are really liking alot; you tell him/her "I really don't like porn/reality tv and don't want to be involved with anyone who watches it" well the other person is into you and and the moment, so they say "well I've looked at it from time to time but I agree with you, its degrading".... and that's probably the truth, but lets just imagine someone said something like that to you about reality tv and a year later they come over and you have Survivor on... well you were just waiting and bored and it was right there so you were vegging on it, imagine them getting upset and saying that's the last time or we're over! Pornography has alot of emotions attached to a persons view of sex, religion, themselves, family, it is a hot button especially b/c these types of issues aren't usually discussed. In fact the reality of the above example is you wouldn't bring up the fact that you hate porn until you found out your SO was into it b/c you would be too embarrassed to bring it up at the beginning of the relationship and IF you did bring it up and they were into it, they would most likely lie in order to not lose your respect. I personally would never want to burden my SO with the responsibility of that he can never watch porn or it will bring my wrath; if he finds it acceptable for himself then who am I to judge? Marriage is not about judging or controlling; in fact it's about the opposite of that, enjoying spending time and building a life with this person who is not you. In order to get there you have to find a mate who you respect, trust and admire for who they are; then even if they do something that YOU would not chose to do, as long as it doesn't affect you, you should have enough trust and respect to allow them to follow their own path. You are not here to make sure he is holy enough, good enough, rich enough, etc. in fact you are not here to make sure he is anything other than to make sure that he is someone you want to spend time with. If you find a partner that you respect then you need to trust him and his descisions and enjoy living with your lives intertwined. There may be times when one of you needs help to live up to the life that you both want and that's when you are there to help and vice versa. If you were in a relationship like this and he enjoyed watching porn, and you told him that it made you self-conscious or made you objectify sex and thereforeeee enjoy it less I am confident that he would chose to not subject you to whatever it is that makes you feel less than good. *as a sidenote I have nothing against reality tv or porn, reality tv is a variable that could be interchanged with many, many alternatives and depending on a persons ideas/values, I recently dealt with a situation where that variable was World of Warcraft which thankfully me and hubby have worked through. Link to comment
MollyElise Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 North- ok... I think my relationship with my DH is very good and we have strong communication between us, I don't regularily view porn (though I have nothing against it). So... what does this say, when I masturbate about 50% of the time I am fantasizing of someone other than my husband (50% or so he is involved... though other ppl might be as well). I don't think that is a sign that we are unhappy (we are both satisfied with our sex lives). Do you think that all of a persons sexual thoughts be about their SO or it is proof that their is a problem in the relationship? As far as the friends example... when you promise to marry someone you typically are making a promise to be monogamous. I wonder how many divorces there would be if monogamy meant not even thinking sexually about another person, ever. It is all about the openess of the relationship, it is definitely something that needs to be discussed prior to becoming serious, or even when you first meet; because 90%+ of all single men will think that looking at porn occasionally is 100% acceptable, that is going to seriuosly impact your available dating pool. Link to comment
Northalius Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Murder is wrong to do, physically. Cheating is wrong to do, physically. Murder is wrong to think of, mentally. thereforeeee, cheating is wrong to think of, mentally. Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Murder is wrong to do, physically. Cheating is wrong to do, physically. Murder is wrong to think of, mentally. thereforeeee, cheating is wrong to think of, mentally. But "thinking of murder" is not illegal. Sure, morally it may be wrong to some, but it is not punishable. If it was think of all those kids whom scream at their mother in anger, when they can't have a cookie or stay out past curfew, that they wish they were dead....the point is they don't understand the meaning, don't intend to carry it out and cannot be punished for it. It was an emotional reaction in anger. Thinking of cheating is not illegal. Fantasizing is not illegal. Nor should it be universally wrong even if you consider it wrong, it does not make it wrong for everyone nor does it mean your standard is everyone's standard, or everyone's standard is your standard. It is not something most people can control...fantasies drift. Some people may never be tempted to dream, or fantasize, but most will. Being tempted in itself is not wrong; one can remove themselves from that temptation, think it through and know it is not the right choice. And not perform it. We cannot always be in control those subconscious or sexual thoughts; and we know enough to know that does not mean we should carry them out! It is the base of the legal system that we punish people only if they also have done the ACT required for an offense, the fact that we as humans can make rational choices is what defines us and why thinking does not mean we are guilty of something. And fantasizing does not mean thinking of CHEATING. The point of porn is that they are nameless, "perfect" and only for the stimulus. It is not about fantasizing about how to TRULY get with them! It is absolutely fine if YOUR lines are drawn at porn and that you will not tolerate it; as long as that is clear from the outset. However to say that looking at porn, which many couples do either together or apart but each other knowing, means they are cheating or not 100% committed to each other is a HUGE jump and a big assumption. It is important couples are on the same page about it, but it does not mean they are wrong for incorporating it into their lives in a way that suits them. Fantasies are not realities, nor do people even generally want their fantasies to be made into reality. It is simply a stimulus for the brain and for sexual response. To the OP, I think that it is completely right to DISCUSS with your partner each others views and tolerances on porn. I think however that if you really are worlds apart and cannot compromise, then it is time to move on due to that incompatibility because generally, from what I have seen, demands create resentment, and lying....when you force someone to do something, they tend to rebel a bit more...ultimatums are not healthy when it comes to romantic relationships! Link to comment
chai714 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Murder is wrong to do, physically. Cheating is wrong to do, physically. Murder is wrong to think of, mentally. thereforeeee, cheating is wrong to think of, mentally. I'll have to say that this is an invalid argument. I can see where you're going but murder and sex are two very different subjects which are not comparable in any way. The argument of "is watching porn cheating" or "is watching porn wrong while in a relationship" has been talked to death. Bottom line, some believe it is but many don't feel that way. This is why I have concluded that it's up to the people involved in the relationship determine the boundaries. Link to comment
Northalius Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 I never said murder and sex were the same. I am saying murder and cheating have a similarity: They're both wrong to do, physically. If they're both wrong to do physically, then they're both wrong to think of mentally. One is illegal according to a nations' law, the other is illegal according to a relationships' law, that you know is already set up to begin with, unless you both openly discuss otherwise at the start. Link to comment
treefrogkate Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Cheating is wrong, but I can't for the life of me see where you make the connection between cheating and watching porn. I watch porn occasionally. When I am watching it, I am not thinking "Jeez I'd really like to bang that guy on the screen," I am thinking "Jeez I wish my boyfriend were here, I'd sure like to do that to him." I don't watch it to see the actual people in it, I watch it because it's fun. And for the record, I would *never* cheat on my boyfriend. There is nothing in this world that's enough to make me make him feel the way one does when they find out they've been cheated on. Can you honestly say that you have not once thought of having sex with someone else while in a relationship? There's nothing wrong with saying you have, we're only human. The whole reason it's not cheating is that you aren't actually interacting with another human being. If it were a phone sex line, or a chat room, or emails, then yes, I can see that as cheating since there is another person on the other end. But porn? It's not like you're going to call up the porn star and have her over for drinks. And yes, I agree that cheating starts in the mind... to a certain extent. If I go out one night thinking "I'm going to cheat on my boyfriend", then in a way I already have, even if I don't do it, since my intention was to cheat on him. But I just don't see porn as cheating, especially if both parties know about it. To the OP, like a bunch of people already said, of course the person has a right to ask that. However, they may be disappointed in the answer. Also, the other person has the right to refuse. In my opinion, it's better to talk about the issue and the feelings behind it than to go handing out ultimatums. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, and I have never once asked (or told) him not to do something. However, we have had discussions about things, and I've told him "X makes me uncomfortable because of Y", and he has made his own decision to either stop or change what he was doing. Link to comment
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