he slept with a prostitute before he met me...

[Zoey]

morality or not, it was 5 years ago. morality or not, you're the one who date him; thereforeeee you make your call what you're going to do with this.

 

give the guy some credits for being honest to you and told you the truth. He trusted your judgments and comfortable enough to tell you the "dark" part of his past. accept him or not? your call.

 

but me? new bed definitely because it's old.

[Siriana]

First, I really find not intelligent enough when people try to excuse seeing a prostitute by putting things in a context "It all relative".

If you are sleeping with prostitute, you are sleeping with a prostitute - if thats what you wish for, go ahead.

But don't you dare try to convince me how it's not different from going on a diner and than sleeping with me.

The difference is huge - if you want to sleep with me you need to have a lot more than money to pay dinner - intelligence, sense for humor, being polite and nice guy, and I have to like you at least a little bit (even if I am desperate for sex).

With prostitutes you can be the most horrible guy in the world, who smells really bad, a complete looser who doesn't know how to be interesting to a woman, you can call her stupid b...h if you want.

 

Now your question is the one of morality. Definitley - it's not about being jelous.

 

I wouldn't like to date a guy who feels it's o.k. to pay for sex.

It's your call how you're going to deal with it.

If you feel he is the guy for you than forget about it -it happened 5 years ago, and buy a new bed.

[Batya33]

Same here, completely agree. Also find it interesting how people are all too willing to judge moral values when those values are more conservative, but heaven forbid someone expresses a value that is more conservative, then certain others feel free to attack that value as old fashioned, too moralistic, etc.

[valiantv]

Just to respond to that last post, conservative people have been judging liberal moral values for centuries!

 

And yes it is the call of the original poster, but she posted on here, so of course we are offering our opinions.

[Batya33]

Yes, you're correct - there are judgmental people of all stripes - the problem is that often it is apparently more justified to judge conservative as opposed to liberal values.

[valiantv]

..probably because conservative values usually restrict people from doing things whereas liberal values allow it... And people generally get more annoyed by being forbidden than being allowed doing something...

[cantexplain]

Yes, you're correct - there are judgmental people of all stripes - the problem is that often it is apparently more justified to judge conservative as opposed to liberal values.

 

As we are talking here about sleeping with prostitutes and how we feel about that and whether it was occurring frequently or only once -- I am trying to hone in on two opposing degrees of "judgement" regarding such paid-for sexual behavior.

 

valianttv suggests that more conservative it is less okay to buy and/or sell sex. More liberal it is more okay. This makes sense. And then these two ends of the spectrum look back at one another and make judgements about one another.

 

Considering the diversity of thought among people who surround me, it must be a relative thing, I feel. In conservative circles/discussions it would be more justified to judge liberal others and of course, in liberal circles it would be more justified to judge conservative others. So how it is that we are feeling regarding others' judgements of us may also be telling us what kind of circle we are having the discussion in.

 

But that really isn't important to me in relation to the question of prostitution and our feelings of being intimate with those who do that.

 

As I age I do become increasingly agreeable to values I used to deem "as old fashioned, too moralistic". I wonder then if this is true on average for others, then maybe when I am feeling judged as "conservative" I could be among a younger crowd, on average.

 

I'd say this discussion easily represents both extremes and many shades in between.

 

To me, liberal is also believing that people can explore their own feelings and ideas and make judgements about what kind of behavior is best for them and the people they trust in their most inner circles.

 

In either of the opposing moral spheres of old-fashioned versus more open and tolerant values, if I am being judged negatively for my position that it is immoral for me to pay money for sex, I am guessing, if judged as taking my position an absolute for all people - then I must be in a so-called liberal circle. Or maybe I'm being judged in a conservative circle, if the conservatives feel I should be imposing their values on others.

 

So I am just plain stumped on this conservative versus liberal angle.

 

Ideas of conservative and liberal moral values divide the discussion, for me, into some words that may not really be getting at the meat of my own question of what is happening to people who buy sex, sell sex, and the feelings of people who choose to be with these people intimately.

 

Its a very important topic to me because these issues are so prevalent in my world, my family, etc. I am becoming less clear, as I age, of the distinctions among pornography, prostitution, addiction, and promiscuity - especially relating to affects on character, self-image, and social reputation. This is another reason this discussion is important to me. I'm single, have my own history, patterns of attraction, and encounter situations all the time where I am facing these issues in me and in regard to others - having to make decisions about what is best for me.

 

I keep telling myself that I have never found it to work very well when I try to impose my values on others , or they me. I think in the past I have given this freedom to others because I want it myself. I have given it to others because I understand and identify with the powerful emotion of reactance when someone removes our freedoms. Even if we agree with the imposed norm, we may still more strongly disagree with the idea of being restricted from freedom.

 

Only recently have I really been able to connect/empathasize with others' needs to be free of my judgement - just step back and try to feel what they are feeling, before cutting this empathy off at the pass with the values I have for myself. I've got more practice ahead in these regards.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

So we were watching this biography show on discovery channel, it was about Benjamin..who was famous for his interest in prostitutes...so I asked my bf if he ever did one...he said only once and it was in the same bed we are currently sleep on...he said he was single and horny and desperate...it happened about 5 years ago...

 

He is quiet faithful with me and actually he is the one that I feel most secure with...but somehow thinking about it just grosses me out...he paid $350/hr so I guess he must have had a really good service...yuck...it bothers me so much...

 

You know, him seeking the services of a prostitute when he was single does not necessarily mean that he will be unfaithful, nor does it group him in with the cheaters.

 

But personally, I would not want to be with someone who had sex with a hooker. If I found such a thing out, I would dump the person I was with. Just a personal opinion. I think prostitution should be legal because if they want to sell their body, that's their business, but anyone that dates me or hangs around me would be of high moral standard enough that they would not have sex with a hooker, (or pay a woman for sex, obviously.) It's degrading and you have to wonder if he was really desperate or was it for the element of dirty thrill?

[Keyser_Soze]

Probably a good idea NOT tell your future partners you've slept with prostitutes

 

It's called LYING

 

However my girlfriend is aware of the fact that I's gone to prostitutes in the past she's fine with it. then again my gf is much more open minded.

[Batya33]

I would beg to differ that your girlfriend is more "open minded" just because she accepts that you went to prostitutes. Going to a prostitute doesn't mean you were more "open minded" about sex - someone can have one partner their whole lives and be far more "open minded" about boundaries in intimacy. Going to a prostitute typically is to get sex - not sure where that makes the person open minded. Indeed, someone might go to a prostitute because he was closeminded about believing that intimacy is best with love and commitment.

 

It all depends on the perspective, not the presumption that paying for sex makes you an openminded person or your girlfriend more openminded because it was consistent with her standards and values. Your girlfriend might have just balanced the risks and benefits and decided you were worth it or perhaps she had had casual sex and felt hypocritical making an issue out of your behavior.

 

I probably wouldn't date someone who had been with a prostitute because of health considerations, concerns that he would do it again, and because it wouldn't be consistent with my values and standards that sex should be with people that you are committed to and care about. I know many people who have my values and they are just as openminded as those who are comfortable paying for sex or having casual sex.

[HotCoko]

Personally I believe that any man that has gone to a prostitute has some sort of problem. They have no boundaries or morals when it comes to sex & you'd have to be very desperate & low to have gone to a hooker. I understand the past is the past, but like Batya33 said I would be worried if he'd resort to going to one again. I also hate to break it to you but he's probably been to a prostitute more than once, especially if he enjoyed the experience. It can become quite addicting for some men,especially if he got those really pretty escort girls, sick as it sounds.I would also be concerned about how he views women in general. Does he view you as just a piece of meat he can use to satisfy his own needs or does he see you as a woman? Not to mention he's at a much greater risk for having STD's even when using a condom because they're not 100% reliable.

[babygurl250]

A man meets a girl in the bar, he buys her multiple expensive drinks, after the bar closes they both go to an all night diner, he buys her food. Later they take a taxi back to his house, he pays. They have sex. In the morning he buys her taxi back to her house. They never see each other again. Both parties are fine with this.

 

How is this different from prositution?

 

 

This is exactly what i was going to say!!! How many girls and guys are out there who have slept with loadsa people?? Well in my knowledge...loads. No effence to the guys out there but they normally are the ones whos slept with the most people. One of my good friends has slept with 21 girls and hes only at the age of 21 himself!!

I know everyone has different morals but as far as it goes with me, this is basically like picking up some random from a club, going back and doing the deed and then her going...So he paid her big deal...if he was out drinking he would of most likely spent some money on some girl trying to get her back. What the hell is money anyway!!! It doesnt buy you happiness or love, that happens naturally and that is what you too have together!!!

You say your not bothered about him having had other gfs in his bed but you are a prostitute. A prostitute is only another human being like a lot of other girls out there who have slept with loadsa guys...shes not some sort of monster. Shes purely just another human trying to earn herself a living...so what if she chooses to do it in that sort of way. But hey this is my opinion, if it really bothers u so much then go out spend a couple of quid on a new bed!! I think its good ur bf was honest with you about this atleast he feels he doesnt have to hide things....have u been honest with him about how you feel about this all??? Tell him and see what he says?? He may repect ur wishes and buy a new bed.

[Batya33]

If it were me I would not want to date someone who would pick up a woman in a bar just for the purpose of having sex. Technically she wouldn't be a prostitute but it would be incompatible with my values just the same. And, with one night stands, it depends on whether one of the people involved believed that there was a chance to date again and get to know each other, which is completely absent with prostitutes save for Pretty Woman.

 

I don't date men who sleep with "loads of girls" just for sex and I am highly selective about who I have been with - several times less in my 40 years than the "21" partners you mentioned in your example. So, there is nothing inconsistent, to me, about objecting to dating someone who has been with a prostitute because if he made a habit of one night stands just to get laid he is not someone I would be dating. And contrary to what same may believe it is not difficult at all to find attractive, high quality people who are selective about who they are intimate with.

 

And the problem with prostitution is that in most states it is illegal. So it is not just a human being trying to make a living - it is a person committing a crime and also spreading disease just to make money.

[Keyser_Soze]

OH PLEASE!! get over it! It was 5 years ago for bloody crying out loud and he did it ONCE and to top it off he was honest enough to even tell her! did he ask her about her sexual past? does he care? Would it be better if he told her he has had loads of night stands? he only did it ONCE and yes my girlfriend is a very open minded and accepting individual. She is aware of my past and is fine with it. She likes me for who I am and does not judge me for things I did YEARS AGO That's what makes her open minded

 

 

'And the problem with prostitution is that in most states it is illegal. So it is not just a human being trying to make a living - it is a person committing a crime and also spreading disease just to make money."

 

Marajuana and underage drinking are also illegal but that still doesn't stop people from doing it. Not everyone follows the laws I'm afraid.

 

The number one killer in America is not an STD They're companies that make certain types of drugs, food also ciggerettes and they ALL cause disease no one is planning to toss them in the slammer.

[Batya33]

OH PLEASE!! get over it! It was 5 years ago for bloody crying out loud Did he ask you about your sexual past? does he care? Like it or not, unless he is a virgin every guy you date is going to have a sexual past that didn't involve you. So what if he went to a prostitute ONCE would you feel better if he told you has had loads of one night stands? having multiple one night stands with strangers is fine.. but paying money and going to a prostitute ONCE ewwwwww that's gross..

 

 

give me a break

 

Both would be unacceptable to me.

[itsallgrand]

I haven't read this entire thread. Just the OP's posts.

 

And I wonder what you decided to do?

And how it's working out?

 

I guess it depends on what your own personal limitations and moral values are.

That weighed against what you feel are the positives of having the relationship continue.

 

If your moral values are squared against that information and you know, just know, it is not something you are willing or able to get past - the only sensible option is to say good-bye.

 

And you don't have to justify that. It is personal.

 

If you do decide to make it work, then you can and should put the effort into moving past it and working with who he is now.

 

Personally, I couldn't handle it. To me, there are certain lines that are not crossed.

Once they are crossed, it's done. You can't take it back.

These choices we make change who we are. One way or another.

 

Sleeping with a prostitute is not okay with me. Ever.

 

By the same token, I would not be okay with being with a man who had a history of break and entry or murder or rape or stealing a car.

Various and different offences: but all comes down to crossing that line that is not be crossed.

Five years or ten years later - I know they did it, they know they did it, whether attoned for and moved past or not - that experience was felt by the other person, they know of that 'world' , and I would have severe reservations in trust.

Always.

 

Good luck to the OP.