answersguy Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I've got one of those relationships where almost everything is perfect except my girlfriend's mom. Her dad and I get along great, it's just her mom. Her parents are separated and she just moved back in with her mom after finishing college. Since she moved in, her mom expects her daughter to be her new best friend that spends every waking moment either with her or working around the house. She gets pissed off and irrational whenever we spend time together. Her mom tells people that they've never fought so much since I've been around when the real issue is that my girlfriend just spent four years in an independent environment with no rules and now her mom expects her to be the same little girl that left after high school. Her mom resents me and I don't know what to do because I spend a fair amount of time at their house and she's always a complete to me. She views me as competition for her daughter's attention as opposed to a nice guy with a great career that treats her daughter like a princess... I think the failed relationship with her husband may also be part of the resentment, maybe she wants her daughter to feel the same way she does? any ideas people? thanks in advance Link to comment
andyg Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Suck it up buddy. Be happy that your relationship with your girl is good and spend a little less time around her mom. Link to comment
answersguy Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 I fully intend to marry this girl at some point and I want to have a good relationship with her family. I'm more looking for ways to show her I'm not competition and actually a good guy instead of just disappearing. Thanks though Link to comment
rocio Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 How does your girlfriend feel about the situation? I agree that it might be a good idea to spend less time at her house. After all, it is your gf's mom's house, and if she is uncomfortable having you around 24/7, respect that. In dealing with irrational people, balance is often a good approach. Give your gf some time to bond with her mom again. And when you do spend time with your gf, take her out for supper or bring her over to your house. You could also try to kill her mom with kindness - offer to cook supper for her, or wash the dishes out of the blue. Clean up after yourself, and take an interest in her - ask her questions like, "how was your day?" or "do you have plans for the weekend?" Make a note of remembering the things she's going to do, or the people she's going to see, and then ask her about it again a few days later. Another idea is to arrange some kind of surprise for your gf - just between her mom and you. If she has a birthday coming up, or you have an anniversary, or she's celebrating her graduation, or even just for no reason. Arrange something special for her that you and her mom can work on together. Link to comment
answersguy Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 Amber, I completely agree about the time thing. I actually suggested it and my girlfriend got upset and said that's not fair to her. She wants me around and her mom doesn't. When I take her out elsewhere, her mom calls her phone avery hour or so asking when she's coming home and getting pissed off that it's not right away. And in regards to the killing her with kindness thing... I already do all of that stuff. I think it's more just a mom trying to cope with her youngest growing, becoming an adult, and getting ready to move out of childhood completely. I definitely appreciate the time you took to write what you wrote amber, thanks AG Link to comment
jengh Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Yeah, like hazey, I'm also wondering how your girlfriend feels about all of this? Also, many women just can't seem to get past it when their mothers are disappointed in them or don't approve of what they're doing. Women so desperately seek approval from their mothers. At least, from my experience and my friends' experiences. How often do you see your girlfriend? Her mother may just KNOW it's serious between the two of you and actually feel jealous, feel like she's been replaced even. That her little girl is finally grown up and she wants to spend as much time as possible with her. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 What a nightmare. I'd avoid going over to your gf's house as much as possible. I wouldn't kiss her mom's butt at all, but I would treat her respectfully, as it is your gf's mom. However, that doesn't give her mom a free pass to treat you meanly. I would avoid her as much as I could. Link to comment
answersguy Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 Well, first off, my girlfriend hates it, she feels like her mom constantly tries to make her "choose". She get's angry with her mom, but she also wants to have a somewhat good relationship with her. She feels like nothing she ever does is good enough for her mom. Like I said before, I've suggested that I stop going over so much, maybe a couple times a week and we can go either to my house or out on a date a couple nights and that she could spend more time with her mom that way. My girlfriend feels like if I do that, I would obviously be spending less time with her which would in turn be punishing her for her mom's behavior. It's really a bad situation for all parties envolved. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 My girlfriend feels like if I do that, I would obviously be spending less time with her which would in turn be punishing her for her mom's behavior. It's really a bad situation for all parties envolved. Well, it isn't fair to you to be in a place where you are made to feel uncomfortable either. Your girlfriend is making this more complicated than it needs to be. She either needs to have a talk with her mom and tell her it upsets her when the mom treats you badly, or she needs to visit you in a place you are both comfortable in. I went through what you are going through and it sucked. Sounds like what your girlfriend needs to do is get an apartment. Link to comment
andyg Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I know it sucks to be over there so stop going. She says her mom is making her choose, let her choose. You're not the one who forced the decision. Maybe she'll be pressured to have a serious talk with her mom about it or maybe she'll start spending even less time at home and her mom will give up the act and try being nice for a change. Link to comment
Momene Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Take her mum out for a drink and meal to clear the air. Also, have some days out with her so she doesn't feel excluded. Link to comment
cblack21 Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 I've got a very similar situation. You really need to talk to your g/f about it first off, and get advice from her. Treat the mom respectfully but don't get walked on. Make an effort to spend more quality time together elsewhere. 1 Link to comment
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