Best time to call after a second date?

[rnorth]

Okay, at my age you'd think this would get easier. Just had the second date (which ended with a first kiss). She asked "so.... (pause) we'll talk soon, right?" And I responded affirmatively. Kiss was not the best I could do, but I think it showed her that I'm interested... she kind of giggled (nervousness probably)... She is 33 and divorced and I am 39 and single having had several medium and one long term relationship (engagement).

 

Thoughts? I saw her last Saturday night. Actually called her Sunday night, left a message reiterating that I had a great time and would like to see her again next weekend and for her to return my call... some of you may say its too soon; others may feel that its okay in this instance.

 

Thanks!

[NewPhillyGuy]

Okay, at my age you'd think this would get easier. Just had the second date (which ended with a first kiss). She asked "so.... (pause) we'll talk soon, right?" And I responded affirmatively. Kiss was not the best I could do, but I think I showed her that I'm interested... she kind of giggled (nervousness probably)... She is 33 and divorced and I am 39 and single having had several medium and one long term relationship (engagement).

 

Thoughts? I saw her last Saturday night. Actually called her Sunday night, left a message reiterating that I had a great time and would like to see her again next weekend and for her to return my call... some of you may say its too soon; others may feel that its okay in this instance.

 

Thanks!

 

 

I don't think so, but some disagree. SAME situation as you. Second date ended with a kiss. I sent the girl a text the next morning and called her that night, but she's turned cold. Some people on here think I came on too strong. I think she's not interested. Do what you think feelings right. If something so small as when you call gets to her, she's probably not in the right mind set for a relationship. Most normal people would want to hear from you. If you have to play games with a person, not worth your time.

[Batya33]

After a second date I think a call is fine the next day - but I would find a text too impersonal and too casual for someone who apparently is sincerely interested in me. I would call one more time if you do not hear, but not till Wednesday or so.

[hosswhispra]

 

Thoughts? I saw her last Saturday night. Actually called her Sunday night, left a message reiterating that I had a great time and would like to see her again next weekend and for her to return my call... some of you may say its too soon; others may feel that its okay in this instance.

 

Thanks!

 

You 'done' good rnorth

 

I agree with Bayta33 to to call her again if you don't hear from her by Wednesday. I am thinking that you will most likely hear from her again

 

hosswhispra

 

PS- I am not a 'fan' of texts either.

[NewPhillyGuy]

You 'done' good rnorth

 

PS- I am not a 'fan' of texts either.

 

 

You guys are right. Bad move on my part. It just seems to be "the thing" these days. It's so quick and private, but you're right that it's impersonal. I'm gonna stop that.

[southerngirl]

Im with Batya on this. AFter a second date, a call the next day is fine. If it were me I would like a call that day. If she doesnt call back , try to call again but like Batya said, give it a few days in case she is just busy.

 

From the sounds of it, you had a nice time and she will want to hear from you.

[hosswhispra]

You guys are right. Bad move on my part. It just seems to be "the thing" these days. It's so quick and private, but you're right that it's impersonal. I'm gonna stop that.

 

Yes, I think it's a good idea to use the phone as opposed to sending a text. The phone is more personal.

 

I have been following your thread, NPG and I am keeping my *fingers crossed* for you and the new girl that you're interested in

 

hosswhispra

[lizziebee]

I cannot tell you how wonderful this site is and being able to hear it from the guy's side. I know there are women that like to play by "The Rules" and other women will make the first call after the first date, I have gotten to a point where I feel that life is way too short and there is so much going on around us, life and all...so go ahead, make the call, let her know you are interested. She may be shy, she may think you may not be interested, he...she..it... * * *!? Do what is in your head/heart about this girl. She may be on this site wondering why doesn't he call me? My only advice thought? Do not bombard her with calls. Pick your day and either she is there or not, leave a message and don't dwell....we will be waiting to hear from ya!

[Day_Walker]

Well since you already called the next day after your date I think that part is covered. Personally I feel that you called too soon. You have stated that you are interested, you have stated that you want to get together next weekend. I think it is time for her to show some initiative and call you.

[rnorth]

Wow, thanks for all the kind and helpful replies!

 

Most normal people would want to hear from you. If you have to play games with a person, not worth your time.

So true. I don't think we need to go overboard with our feelings but showing interest is definitely a good thing!

 

After a second date I think a call is fine the next day - but I would find a text too impersonal and too casual for someone who apparently is sincerely interested in me. I would call one more time if you do not hear, but not till Wednesday or so.

This is essentially the advice I will follow. She is VERY busy (a teacher working on her PhD), so I don't expect to hear back from her right away. She is probably happy I left that message... can't over analyze these things!

[Batya33]

Um, big deal. For the last 15 years - since I was 25 - I have typically had extremely busy schedules between graduate studies and work and when I was interested in a man I returned his call ASAP but absolutely within 24 hours (shorter if we needed to make or confirm plans). And there was no e-mailing readily available until the last 7 years and no regular cell phone usage until around that time - when I was interested, I found a way to get in touch, promptly.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Wow, thanks for all the kind and helpful replies!

 

 

So true. I don't think we need to go overboard with our feelings but showing interest is definitely a good thing!

 

This is essentially the advice I will follow. She is VERY busy (a teacher working on her PhD), so I don't expect to hear back from her right away. She is probably happy I left that message... can't over analyze these things!

 

Good plan! Take it in stride. If it doesn't work, trust, there are plenty of other women out there who will just be waiting for your call, bro. =)

[rnorth]

Batya33 - thanks for the personal insight, especially given your similar circumstances. Of course she is a different person than you. I needn't assume she is not interested if she is unable to get back to me within 24 hours; I pretty much take people at face value even though it is only a partial reflection of reality. She voiced her desire to continue to keep in touch, so that is my current operating paradigm.

 

For instance, I know that she has class tonight which would be 24 hours since my call. I know that she sometimes has trouble sleeping; people may not feel up to conversing on the phone and just need to try and get through the day. I like her and want to get to know her better and am confident enough in my own esteem to leave a message whatever the outcome. If she doesn't reciprocate, I can easily just move on.

[Batya33]

That sounds like a good plan. To reiterate - I always found the time to leave a two minute message to say "Hey - can't talk right now but wanted to get back to you - I will call you very soon." The "extremely busy" men who I have been involved with also found the time to do so which is only made easier with cell phones, email etc.

 

I agree that 24 hours is not the drop dead date- for me I would give it a few days at least unless you asked her a specific question that needed an answer or wanted to make/confirm plans.

 

I am 40 by the way if that gives more context.

[rnorth]

Batya33 - I really appreciate your approach because it demonstrates true consideration. I have had relationships with independent strong women - basically what attracts me - who were less apt to reply right away and I'd just let them be. We all know calling too much is a big faux pas but sometimes I wonder if a non-response or late response begs a followup, say by Wed. or Thursday at the latest. Of course, my gut feeling is she will give me a quick call between now and then.

 

If I have any regrets about how the date went, I would have been more confident on the "first kiss". At least she responded as opposed to turning away... but I can do so much better! Funny how I am more mature and be more at peace with myself but I can still get the butterflies, particularly if I like someone enough to want to continue to get to know them.

[Batya33]

Just curious - do you refer to men who are independent and strong as "independent and strong men" or are they simply "men?"

 

I don't think you can generalize - particularly after only two dates! - that just because a woman has a busy career and/or graduate studies, has her own apartment and is financially stable that she is "independent and strong" - she may be so in her career, in her studies - she may be quite "old fashioned" when it comes to relationships - different hats for different roles, different sides of personalities come out whether at work, at play or in a relationship (just listen to a man at work when he gets a call from his 3 year old - or from his wife, for example).

 

Sorry - I just have a problem with the label "independent and strong" if it is based on a person's sex or just the fact that a woman has a career. Obviously if you meant that overall you found these particular women to be independent and strong then sure . .. . .

 

I will give you my secrets of when I do not call back a guy promptly who I am interested in:

 

If he has been taking my free time for granted by calling me at the last minute for weekend plans;

If he has been calling regularly just to chat but is not asking me out and we've only been out a few times;

If he is not reliable about returning my calls.

 

That's just a matter of self-respect, pride and my most precious resource - time- which I don't squander on those who don't step up to the plate. . . .

[NewPhillyGuy]

Interesting that you say that and I try to relate it to my situation. Not trying to thread jack, North. I really didn't do any of those things....hmm...

[rnorth]

Good point on the label. Actually the term I used on our first date was that she is a "Rennaissance woman", as she is involved in so many activities, has a full time job and is working on her PhD. She reacted quite positively to this.

 

I appreciate and agree with your secrets.

 

Honestly, I am more concerned about the mediocre first kiss but there is nothing I can do about that now. How much does it matter if everything else flowed smoothly?

[chai714]

A call the next day? A bit anxious but not a fatal move. So you left a message to reinforce your feelings about her?

 

If she's at all interested, she will call back. I would not call her back anytime this week and I might even sit on this until next Monday. There is no rush regarding the dating process. If she doesn't give you a call back by this week, call her next week to set up another date but DO NOT leave a message if she doesn't answer. And never, ever make excuses for someone not calling you back. Even a doctor has time to date.

[Slyght]

After a second date and first kiss, it's usually obvious to both sides that they are interested in continuing this more. So at this point I hope nobody is trying to "play it cool" like they're not really interested or whatever. This does not mean however that both parties have agreed that this will be leading to a full-out relationship, so it's important not to come off too strong by acting like you two are a couple now (I'm not accusing anybody here, I'm just speaking in generalities). It's important to remember that you're still dating, and as a result the other person may not have set aside a lot of their time yet for you (in terms of talking to you, going on dates, etc), and they could even be dating other people, so coming on too strong can scare them away.

 

Did contacting her the day after scare her away? Maybe, maybe not. It could have been what you said as well, not when you said it. Or she could have just had a change of heart altogether.

[cantexplain]

I'm never good at "playing" anything like cool, head games, appearances, etc. Its at the very least a bit controlling and dishonest and a poor way to start any close relationship.

 

I've learned to make sure the other person knows I care and am interested, but not so much that she knows that I am willing to bend my life in her vacuum of no responses. Thats a bad message to send to her and yourself about your own sense of self respect and expectations of reciprocity.

 

In this case it is way too soon to tell. I feel you know her better than anyone. I also understand that the mixture of feelings after a first kiss combined with a lingering call unreturned is enough to clog your gut from any hope of precise sense of things - today. I hate it for you.

 

A kiss and second date changes everything - you, and her. There is no way of knowing what can be going on for her. Who knows? She might not even know.

 

I have found that if a woman is too friendly or pushy I am turned off a bit - or I intuit some ability to put off the next step between us for a time. Many of us know that if we ourselves do this to someone else it is similarly risky. Only you know her and can gauge the fine line of too much or too frequent contact - and this also in balance with your healthy overtures of interest and caring.

 

I do not mind using e-mail, texting, voice mail to develop a new contact or friendship ...

 

After the romantic bug gets going, I really try to stay away of e-mail, texting -- or even voice messages of any more than "its me I had a great time with you call me". The bonds developing should be occurring with our voices and eyes and bodies not digital recordings displayed on machines. Keep such real-life bonds alive and then maybe mix in the e-mail, texting, letters, etc. to add flavor and fun.

 

Thanks for your post and need to see us serial monogamists struggling over the same things.

 

Good luck - but hey - you did it!! Congratulations, sir. At the very least the next time with her (or someone else) will be even more better. Onward now with our own lives, I say!!

[longhaircats]

I met a guy at a bar/club on Satruday night and he called me the next day and asked me out for that night. He called me after the date to make sure I got home safe. I thought it was so sweet, and a female friend of mine also thought that was very seet of him. I think women appreciate when a guy calls. He's not afraid of calling me a lot, doesn't use text. He knows that he is attractive and his very confident. I really liked it! Too bad he was 12 years younger than me!

[Day_Walker]

I met a guy at a bar/club on Satruday night and he called me the next day and asked me out for that night. He called me after the date to make sure I got home safe. I thought it was so sweet, and a female friend of mine also thought that was very seet of him. I think women appreciate when a guy calls. He's not afraid of calling me a lot, doesn't use text. He knows that he is attractive and his very confident. I really liked it! Too bad he was 12 years younger than me!

 

See you are telling us what you like but it did not influence your wanting to go out with him again. Instead you focused on his age. It is not important what we "like" because that has no basis of us wanting to go out with that person or continue to go out with them. With this same logic I can say that I like to receive new cars as birthday presents. Cuz seriously who would not like it when a person shows that they are really into them because it is an ego boost.

[longhaircats]

Oh, you did a great job calling her after the date and told her that you had a great time. Next time, instead of telling her "call me", tell her "I'll call you later." Take the lead!

[cantexplain]

hey what do you think of "you can call me or I'll call you. Talk to you later!" or "soon!"