male and female friendship/crossing the line

[quietgrl]

Is is ok to talk to your male friends about eachother sex life or is talking about sex stepping beyond the friendship bounds?

I have 2 male friends that i tell almost everything too.The 1st male friend that i've known for 3 year, we talk about eachother sex life and the 2nd male friend that i've known for 2 1/2 years,we do talk about eachother sex life but not so much.This male friend thinks males shouldn' be talking to their female friends about sex because the friendship might lead to intercourse and ruin the friendship.What are the male and female friendship boundaries?

[HarleyHunny]

I think it depends on the person......and what is acceptable to them.... food for thought; even though guys agree you're just 'friends', they still think about having sex with you!

[quietgrl]

I think it depends on the person......and what is acceptable to them.... food for thought; even though guys agree you're just 'friends', they still think about having sex with you!

 

 

HarleyHunny,

 

My 2 male friends claim they don't want to have sex with me so i don't have a problem talking about sex with these men. I keep hearing from women don't believe anything these 2 men tell me because some men do thing about having sex with their female friends.

[HarleyHunny]

HarleyHunny,

 

My 2 male friends claim they don't want to have sex with me so i don't have a problem talking about sex with these men. I keep hearing from women don't believe anything these 2 men tell me because some men do thing about having sex with their female friends.

I didn't say no one should believe what a man says or that they have some underlying motive. I said they THINK about it! and if they are a redblooded hetero man, that is FACT.

[blue-eyedspacemonkey]

Yeah, some do, but I have male friends who I would feel completley comfortable in talking about my sex life too(if it ever came up in convo). It depends on the guys, if both you and they are comfortable with it then (IMO) it's fine.

As long as they know their boundaries, and that you are not in any way interested in them in that way....why not?

[Mythical_Suicide]

It all depends on your comfort level and if you're in a relationship is the other party involved okay with it?

MY bf and I have clashed heads over this before because he would talk about sex and our sex life to each and everyone of his friends, girls included and to me telling his guy friends were bad enough but talking to females about it just took it over the line and we almost broke up over it.

 

So I say it all depends on each person. Of course everyone out there talks about their sex life with someone else, I talk to my gf's about certian things I dont get into much detail but girls will be girls and guys will be guys but it draws a whole other issue when it comes to a chic and guy talking about each others sex life. It's just weird for me.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

well, how graphic are you getting? i think if someone goes into great detail about their sex life with someone other than their partner, then they may be violating the partner's privacy, regardless of whom they are talking to...

 

...and what is the purpose of these conversations? trying to get you to talk dirty with them, or brag about their conquests? i see your signature says you are a PROUD sex for commitment virgin, so i'm wondering why you want to have discussions about sex life with men you are not even dating? sounds a bit incongruous to me...

 

but if you are talking general discussions or questions, it should not be a problem if the person is a true friend (male or female) and you have a good reason to need to talk about it... but you also need to respect the other person and see whether this is a topic they are confortable with... if not, don't push it upon them, doesn't matter whether they are boyfriend or girlfriend.

 

and keep those discussions out of work or other places where people might find hearing such conversations offensive, or get the wrong idea about you.

[Batya33]

I think it depends on whether the relationship always has been platonic. I would personally not feel comfortable talking to a man about that if he had a serious girlfriend or spouse - it's just not appropriate. If he truly had a problem sexually and wanted a woman's opinion I guess I would be willing to listen but i would generally not want to hear the "blow by blow" (pun intended) of someone's sex life. I don't think it has to lead to my relationship with the man crossing the line though.

[quietgrl]

I've been breaking the rules .One of my male friend has a live in "gf "and we've talk about their sex life,his sex life and what i want in my sex life.My second male friend is single and we just talk about sex in general.

The reason why i ask this question is i wouldn't mind dating both of these men but these men aren't bf material.I don't know if i'm crossing the friendship line but none of the men have a problem with our conversation arrangement

[HarleyHunny]

The reason why i ask this question is i wouldn't mind dating both of these men but these men aren't bf material.I don't know if i'm crossing the friendship line but none of the men have a problem with our conversation arrangement

if they are not bf 'material' why would you want to date them? and 2, if you date them, then yes, you've crossed a line of some sort

[Batya33]

Hey - as long as you would be ok with your boyfriend talking to other women who are interested in him about his sex life with you, that's fine. I wouldn't be. At all. Does the live in girlfriend know about this? Also consider that if those men introduce you to single friends of theirs, they likely will find out about these conversations - are you comfortable with that?

[ramsickle1369]

Personally, I have no problem talking to my guy friends about sex. One close friend was there with me thru all the divorce and he's "joked" about having sex for sex's sake... But I declined. We even joke about it. It really depends on the relationship. If you are inclined to talk about sex with others and you DO get involved with another man AND that bothered him, I'd say TOUGH SHNAKEES! That's who I am! Besides, who else to get excellent advice on the oppostie sex THAN the opposite sex?

 

wouldn't mind dating both of these men but these men aren't bf material.

 

That said... You are clearly attracted to both of your guy friends. Talking about sex for you is probably a bit exciting and arousing. And even tho you swear they aren't interested in you, if they had the chance, I'm sure they'd likely take it.

 

I don't know if i'm crossing the friendship line but none of the men have a problem with our conversation arrangement

OF COURSE NOT! Men LOVE it when women talk "dirty" to them! They aren't used to women talking about sex. It's been deemed socially unacceptable. I personally think that's horse malarky! Women talk about everything behind closed doors! Men just don't know about it! LOL

 

Just be careful. It seems to me that you like them--even if you don't see yourself marrying them! You might get crushed if you continue to let yourself daydream about dating either of them and they don't ever make an advance... Which they may not since you seem to have alluded that you weren't interested in them. Just watch your own heart... It can be devastating when a crush who would talk like that to you never goes anywhere...

[Batya33]

My boyfriend is very private about our sex life and prefers that I am as well. I am a little less private but I respect him enough to change my behavior and be discreet as he has asked me to be. Personally, if someone told me that they would not change his behavior because "I am what I am" I would have serious concerns about being in a serious relationship because relationships do sometimes require changes in behavior, such as if one person is always late, etc. Changes in values is another thing entirely, of course.

 

In particular, I would not want my bf to be uncomfortable around my friends if he though I was sharing intimate details about our sex life.

[ramsickle1369]

I guess that's a personal choice. Having been in a marriage where talking about sex even in the bedroom was deemed "indecent" I have somewhat learned that I won't accept a man with that particular hangup. It's my personal choice. In general, society has treated people as "dirty" if they speak about sex. It makes no sense, it's IN THE BIBLE for God's sake! Why on earth is it such a terrible thing to talk about? BE PROUD of it! Embrace it. Have fun with it!

[quietgrl]

I wouldn't mind dating these 2 men if they took care of their relationship baggage but until then i'm a friend only.My male friends are good men but when it comes to being in relationship they're selfish.Yes i'm attracted to both men and both men know that but i'm also looking for a man of my own.

[ramsickle1369]

My male friends are good men but when it comes to being in relationship they're selfish.

 

 

Aren't they all?

[Batya33]

My boyfriend has no sexual hangups - he is a private, discreet person in general including about sex. To me it is more special and intimate if you keep your sex life between the two of you - nothing to do with it being dirty or naughty - just about keeping it special the same way he and I communicate about things we don't share with other people.

 

I don't think sharing details about your sex life makes you a more open person, necesarily - it might be because you are needy for attention, like to shock people, need validation that you are performing properly in the bedroom, etc. Sex is fun and to me it is also something I share only with a man I am exclusively and seriously involved with. Your view about sex - and your decision to tell all - certainly doesn't make it right and certainly doesn't make those of us who prefer to behave in a more discreet way to be people with "hang ups."

 

I tend to trust people more who have boundaries and are selective about what they share and with whom.

[ramsickle1369]

I didn't mean to offend you. I wasn't suggesting anything about your relationship--only stating mine. I was merely stating that I am more open and don't judge anybody for their sexlife. I know people who are also more private people, and that's fine if it works for them.

 

That's your choice to respect your boyfriends wishes. And that's fine--for you. I don't think it's right to judge anyone for anything; It's not our place to do so. thereforeeee, making someone feel bad for speaking to whomever they choose about their sexlife is not something I agree with--and society severly degrades women for speaking of it, but look around, sex is on the cover of every magazine, commercial, TV show... it's NATURAL.

 

As I said, it's MY personal choice... I'm suggesting each person do what is best for them. I am not in need of sexual attention or validation. If I have an excellent partner, I will share with whom I choose... Typically it's people I trust. I've learned many things about sex this way and am confident in my abilities. I read books, message boards, and talk with people I trust. This doesn't make me needy.

[Batya33]

All I meant was that you presumed that someone who is private about his sex life has hang ups and that you presumed that telling all about your sex life makes you a more open person. I think both those presumptions are flawed and the first one is rather narrowminded, in my opinion.

 

I don't judge anyone for how much they talk about their sex lives but I may choose not to be friendly with or date someone who I feel is not sufficiently discreet about his sex life because that would make me feel uncomfortable. That's not judging - that's being selective about who I want to be friendly with or involved with.

 

With respect to the OP, my guess is she would feel mighty uncomfortable if she had a serious boyfriend who discussed the intimate details of his sex life with a woman who was attracted to/romantically interested in. And if that is the case, perhaps she should reconsider whether it is appropriate for her to behave in the way she is.

[ramsickle1369]

I'm not sure how you're getting any assumptions... All I said was... "Having been in a marriage where talking about sex even in the bedroom was deemed "indecent" I have somewhat learned that I won't accept a man with that particular hangup. It's my personal choice. " I make no presumptions... I simply stated the of facts of MY marriage where there was something weird--tho I never knew exactly what it was.

 

Each of us needs to learn what is good for us. In your case, you'd be uncomfrotable thereforeeee want someone who would complement that. On the other hand, I am the oppsite. It wouldn't bother me a bit. In fact, I would not choose a partner who had a problem with being open about things because that would make ME uncomfortable.

 

With regard to the original question, if quietgrl is comfortable talking about these subjects with those she is not involved with, perhaps she would not be uncomfortable should her man do the same. So long as it's not a double standard, I don't see any harm in it. Again, a personal choice.

 

JMHO...

[Batya33]

True. I took issue with you labeling it as a "hangup" - how would you feel if someone labeled your propensity to share intimate details of your sex life as a sexual "hang up" - that has a negative connotation - perhaps your husband did have a hang up but simply because someone is discreet about his sex life doesn't mean he has any "hang up"

[melrich]

Yes of course it has to be personal choice and the degree of comfort will vary from relationship to relationship.

 

It's hard to advise the Op on this as it is not clear to me the level of detail we are talking about. I would echo the advice of another poster, I think it becomes questionable to talk graphically about sex with another person who is in a relationship unless that discussion could be comfortably had in front of the person's SO.

[ramsickle1369]

True. I took issue with you labeling it as a "hangup" - how would you feel if someone labeled your propensity to share intimate details of your sex life as a sexual "hang up" - that has a negative connotation - perhaps your husband did have a hang up but simply because someone is discreet about his sex life doesn't mean he has any "hang up"

 

 

I apologize, if my post alludes to more than what I actually wrote. I was only referring to my own situation. In my situation, the "hang-up" was he was incapable of talking with me sexually. It was always uncomfortable. Lesson learned. I never said anything about discreet being a hangup. It's a choice.

 

I guess my bottom line is that so long as both parties are in agreement, ANY choice is perfectly OK. It's all about communication!

[melrich]

I was only referring to my own situation. In my situation, the "hang-up" was he was incapable of talking with me sexually.

 

I think you guys are talking about 2 different things. Ramsickle you are talking about being in a relationship with a guy who wouldn't talk to you about sexual issues...that is a hangup.

 

Batya, you are talking about a guy who doesn't like to discuss his sex life with people outside the relationship, that is a personal choice. They are two completely different issues.

[CanadianGirl]

having sex with a friend ultimately changes the relationship. i speak from experience.

 

i have a best guy friend who i'v been friends with for 7 years. after 6 years we spent a night together. believe me it was BY FAR the best experience i've had sexually. after getting to know each other on every other intimate level possible, we had sex. and it really changed how i felt.

 

after the deed i started to distance myself and found myself feeling more emotionally charged when we were together, and less likely to be free to be myself.

 

it didnt help that he was at the end of a rocky relationship but failed to dump the girl for months after. he only now truly moved on and we havn't hung out since i moved cities.

 

i do love him, although i am not in love with him...im really confused as to how to feel, as i expressed my feelings and so did he...we really put each other at a crossroad in the friendship = now we know EVERY DETAIL OF EACH OTHER INTIMATELY, and honestly I wish I didn't do it at that time.

 

If I had to do it over, I would have made a decision to wait, or not do the deed at all. crossing those boundries means no turning back time. move on and don't do it unless you intend on starting something real. i wish i thought of that first.