watches porn, ignores me

[Texas Star]

Ok, I understand that guys watch porn. I understand that, for most of them, it's just another release... different from sex. For God's sake... they've been doing it since they were 13... I get it, it's not a big deal. I watch porn on occasion. I masturbate too. My issue is with the fact that my boyfriend and I don't have sex as much as I'd like. We do it once, maybe twice a week. I could deal with 3-5 times a week. I don't crave sex just for the orgasm either... I really love the connection we have when we're in bed together... like there's nothing else in the world. I feel like the porn is in the way. There are a lot of issues that I see with his porn viewing habits...

1. He has a LOT (I'm talking HUGE files of videos and pictures on his computer, a big duffle bag full of old VHS tapes, and a few DVDs)

2. He denies that he watches it for pleasure (says it's a learning tool... ok, fine... he does do a lot of great things in bed)

3. He denies jerking off to it (even though in the past week I've found three crumpled, crunchy (in one case sticky) washcloths)

4. He gets defensive and yells at me any time I mention porn or being dissatisfied with our sex life

5. He refuses to watch it with me (I think he's embarrased)

6. He denies that it has anything to do with the fact that we only have sex once or twice a week.

Now, I don't want to sound vain, but I'm not ugly. I'm 25, 5'6", 120. I've been called beautiful by strangers on the street. He tells me all the time he loves me and that he thinks I'm the most gorgeous woman on the planet. For the first six months of our relationship we had sex 7 days a week. I don't know what happened.

We moved in together 6 1/2 months ago (after 6 months of dating) and that's when I discovered all the porn. He started grad school and the first semester was hell for a lot of different reasons. He was gone all the time (not just for classes, but to party) and I generally wasn't invited. I suspected for a while that he was cheating on me (I'm still not 100% sure he wasn't.) We fought tooth and nail all the time. But since mid-December, things have been better. He's made a real effort to be home with me and to include me in his life. But he stays up until 4 or 5 am most nights and I get up for work at 6. He says "going to bed early" (midnight or 1 am) just "isn't who he is," but the intimacy of sharing a bed in sleep is something I miss as well. Plus, we only have sex when he wants it. I do things like surprise him by being dressed in a garterbelt and stockings and nothing else when he gets home, gently stroking his chest and stomach and working my way down while he's still asleep, asking straight out if he wants to have sex, and literally 9 times out of 10 he says "Later" (which never happens), or "I'm too tired," or "Why are you always so horny?" or he just laughs or rolls his eyes. I just don't get it and I'm feeling undesirable and cheap.

Can someone please help me understand whether it's the porn or something else??? I know it really could just be stress from school and he's on medication that has a side effect of lowering sex drive, but he watches porn and jerks off to it, so why won't he have sex with me?!?!?

It's gotten to a point where it's seriously affecting my thoughts about whether to stay in the relationship. He wants to get married, but I refuse to become engaged to someone who, for lack of a better description, doesn't satisfy me. I feel like he chooses porn over me and that his lies about it are serious. Am I wrong???

[rocio]

I think you have every reason to be upset and concerned. It sounds like he has severe intimacy issues. The porn is not the cause, but it is a symptom. I would not let the relationship become more serious until he has learned to deal with these intimacy issues.

[Maverick32x]

mmm.... well I guess I'm confused on why you seem to be so mad at him about it.... could it simply be that you and him don't have the chemistry?

 

It seems that a majority of your relationship is based off of sex, or thats how you gadge the relationship..... I feel that way due to the fact that you mention things were good back when you were having sex all the time...

Maybe this just isn't the right relationship for you? Clearly you want someone that is able to satisfy your physical needs (as do most of us) and if he isn't able to do it, the relationship won't be able to really continue due to the fact that it will always be an issue....

 

clearly you have made every attempt to attract him, so I really don't know what else do/say to make him more sexual? Perhaps make yourself less available instead of more.....??

[cblack21]

Judging by the porn and wash cloths, I don't think it's a sex drive issue. It probably has more to do with either missing intimacy in other areas or loss of challange. So two things to consider.

 

1. Start trying to be more involved in other aspects of his life and take a legitimate interest in some of his interests. Be his friend before anything.

 

 

2. Make yourself a little less physically available. Masturbate more and turn him down every now and then. Make the man work for it and he'll want it more.

[need2bme]

I used to watch porn as well. I turned sex into a type of obsession. Some porn may be ok, but for me; I wanted to be sure that it wasn't all about the fantasy, the outfits, the dirty talk or just about the sex.

 

No more looking at someone as an object and more of looking at her as she is...a wonderful woman who I want to be closer to and have great intimacy with.

 

With all that porn, it is quite possible there may be somethng else going on.

 

1. Inability to be intimate, other than sex.

2. Stressed about something he cannot tell you about.

3. Losing interest.

4. ...or lots of other things.

 

Sit down with him again and ask him, but don't accuse...

[Texas Star]

Sit down with him again and ask him, but don't accuse...

 

 

Regardless of how I ask him, he is defensive. Our "discussions" escalate quickly to fights. He's sensitive and emotional and prone to yelling, so it's hard to talk a lot of the time. But I guess it's worth another shot.

 

I like the idea of making sex less accessible (in fact that's what I've been trying to do by masturbating rather than asking him to have sex with me). And I also like the idea of trying to be more intimate on other levels... but it's hard for me to be sweet and caring when I feel this way. I am a naturally nice person, but sometimes I just crawl into myself when I'm feeling bad. And this whole issue makes me feel bad.

 

I don't really think that I gauge my relationship on sex, but right now it is one of the things most bothering me. I recognize that he's a decent, caring guy and that he loves me. I also recognize that he treats me well in most aspects of our relationship. But he is unwilling to even admit that he watches porn and talk about how I feel.

 

A few people said it seems he has an itimacy issue, but I don't think that's it. I think it's that we have different ideas of what intimacy are. He loves sitting on the sofa for hours just watching TV together. I want to talk over dinner. He wants to go out with a bunch of our friends. I want to go on an date just me and him. He doesn't see a problem with staying up all night. I want him to lay next to me so we can fall asleep in each others arms. All of these things (except the coming to bed part) have been compromised upon and I'm happy with how it's turned out, but the sex and the sleep are two types of intimacy I really miss. I don't know.

[SexySadie7]

Okay, first off, I would like to say that to sit in judgement of the OP just cuz she wants sex several times a week is not fair. I feel that sex is often a very important barometer of a close physical relationship with someone also.

I would want sex a least a few times a week, if not more, if I was living with someone also. Heck.. I would like sex a few times a week and I'm NOT living with the guy I'm dating!

So... also... i think it's more than not wanting to have sex with you. Do you feel at all that your bf is sort of trying to avoid you?? I mean, if you have to get up at 6 am and he's up til 5 am surfing the web... that means he's not even sleeping with you! To me that is a large red flag and one I don't think you should ignore. What he's rejecting is being intimate with you, on a few levels. I cannot blame you for being upset.

You've every right to expect your lover/bf to want to fall asleep in his arms or at least have him curling up to you when you go to tsleep.

Also.. you wrote this..

" He was gone all the time (not just for classes, but to party) and I generally wasn't invited.See... to me.. this would be a big red flag.. the fact your weren't invited to parties... I suspected for a while that he was cheating on me (I'm still not 100% sure he wasn't.) We fought tooth and nail all the time. But since mid-December, things have been better. He's made a real effort to be home with me and to include me in his life. But he stays up until 4 or 5 am most nights and I get up for work at 6. He says "going to bed early" (midnight or 1 am) just "isn't who he is," but the intimacy of sharing a bed in sleep is something I miss as well. Plus, we only have sex when he wants it. I do things like surprise him by being dressed in a garterbelt and stockings and nothing else when he gets home, gently stroking his chest and stomach and working my way down while he's still asleep, asking straight out if he wants to have sex, and literally 9 times out of 10 he says "Later" (which never happens), or "I'm too tired," or "Why are you always so horny?" or he just laughs or rolls his eyes. I just don't get it and I'm feeling undesirable

Well.. geez Louise.. not only is he turning you down for sex, he's making a joke out of it besides! That's just insensitive.

I don't know... i know you want to be tolerant about this porn thing.. but honestly. it's ruining your relationship. I'd sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk about this.

It's no big deal that he masturbates.... but the fact that he spends his entire evening on the web surfing for porn and probably masturabating instead of making love to a real life woman who lives with him is very disturbing to me. BTW.. if you are smart... I would get a STD test.. there are some Veneral Diseases out there that are very harmful if left unchecked.

Good luck.. Don't feel like you are the only one who's coping with this problem. I met someone on this website who was a former stripper and her husband was constantly watching porn to the detriment of their marriage.

It's a very common problem nowadays in many relationships.

[Lboogie23]

I definitely feel your pain. I have been dealing with similar issues for the last 2 years of my relationship. It took me a long time to be okay with the porn thing. Not that i'm totally okay with it, i still have some issues. but i can deal with it better now. One of the things i have learned is that if it doesn't affect your sex life in a negative way, if he asks you to watch it with him, or if it doesn't seem too obsessive, than its harmless and is in most cases being used as an aid to turn him on for a release. In your case, it sounds like it is an obsession and it has interrupted not only your sex life, but your relationship in general. I guess you should ask your self if this is something that you can live with or not. And you said you have already tried talking to him about it many times. Could this be something that he has no interest in working out? Imean if not , for your sake, maybe you should rethink the relationship. that kinda thing is never easy, but i always think that life is way too short to stay stuck in a place if your unhappy and you have the means to change your situation. you know? If you can't talk to him on this issue and he doesn't want to work it out than i think that pretty much speaks for itself. good luck!

[engagedkitty]

No, you're not wrong. Girl, you sound like any man's dream woman. Most men LOVE it when their women try to have sex with them- it makes them feel wanted and boosts their ego. And it's shocking to me that you walk out in stockings and a garterbelt yet he still doesn't seem interested??? Something is *seriously* wrong. Wouldn't that be something men see in porn? So then, why would he rather see such things in porn rather than in real life?

 

I think HazeyAmber is right, he definitely has intimacy problems. It's like the porn is a way to avoid real human-to-human intimacy with a partner. He's obviously scared of getting too close. It also seems that he's got a porn addiction problem. I wouldn't/couldn't tolerate that.

 

It's definitely a serious thing when porn is getting in the way of the relationship, both intimately-wise and sexually-wise.

[Iceman26]

No, you're not wrong. Girl, you sound like any man's dream woman. Most men LOVE it when their women try to have sex with them- it makes them feel wanted and boosts their ego. And it's shocking to me that you walk out in stockings and a garterbelt yet he still doesn't seem interested???

 

Bingo.

 

I agree. No sane or sexually healthy man would turn something like that down. I'd take the woman over punching the clown any day.

[rocio]

I think it's a stereotype to think that men should always be up for sex, or that men need more sex than women. I've known of several relationships where the woman wanted more sex than the man. It's not necessarily unhealthy to only want sex once or twice per week. That's merely a question of compatibility.

 

What concerns me is that he has a whole world of sexuality that you're not invited to. He blocks you out and he even lies about it. I'm a huge fan of porn. I love watching it alone and with my partner. I also fully support him watching it when I'm not there. But if he ever lied about it, I would most certainly begin to feel insecure and left out.

 

I still think it's an intimacy issue. Even if you have intimacy in other parts of your relationship, it seems that he has trouble letting you in 100% to his sexuality. It reminds of the sex and the city, when trey can't 'get it up' and have sex with his wife, charlotte. But then one night she wakes up and finds him in the bathroom jerking off to a nudey magazine! If you are his girlfriend, you should be invited.

[Texas Star]

MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY!!!!! But how do you talk to someone who is too embarrassed to talk about it, or just doesn't want to admit to it?

[Rabican]

I think the porn could very well be the problem in your case. He is getting his rocks off to porn, 3 times in the last week, while you are not having sex.

 

In my case, I watch porn sometimes at night when my girl is sleeping, simply because she would not be thrilled to be woken up nightly because of my rediculous hormones. We could have sex 10 times a week, id still want more... she would be trying to hide in the closet for a break. So in my case I dont feel that porn gets in the way of our sex life. Once it does.... that needs to change.

 

Simple confront him with the facts, we used to have sex daily, not its once weekly. He has 'x' amount of porn, you think thats a lot. Try to come at it from a matter of fact, factual point of view instead of nagging him or arguing and see if that helps. IF he cant deny what you are saying... hes gotta be willing to at least listen to you.

[Joneysnai]

hm thank god i don't have porn issues with my current boyfriend but reading your post, it sounds a lot like the problems i had with my x boyfriend. we fought all the time when we were living together and he has always had a problem with porn. he surfed all the time yet he denied it, we could never talk about it because it would lead to a fight. i remember clearly one night when we were celebrating our anniversary, he left me sitting outside in the family room (we were supposed to watch a movie) while he was in our bedroom jerking off to porn. it wasn't just porn though, he would get obsessed with watching other women and there were many times where i have caught him jerking off to other girl's pictures, etc. that wasn't what ended the relationship, it was something else.

 

same like u i remember i would wear lingerie but he would never be interested. he would tell me all the time, i'm beautiful yadda, yadda but yet he could not stop watching porn to save his life to get intimate with me, as a matter of fact it got to the point where it was out of control and drove me away from him.

 

maybe its the constant fighting u guys are having that drove him to look at porn, at least that was the excuse my x boyfriend had. he said he was stressed out from the constant fights and it was his way of escaping (in hindsight, that was just all bull).

 

sounds like it is getting out of hand for u, what u really need to do is talk to him and find out exactly why he feels the needs to surf porn and why he isn't being intimate with u as he should. if all else fails, get out of the relationship. actions speak louder then words. get someone who appreciates u.

[need2bme]

Punching the clown

 

Punching the clown? OMG! I was rolling!

 

 

same like u i remember i would wear lingerie but he would never be interested. he would tell me all the time, i'm beautiful yadda, yadda but yet he could not stop watching porn to save his life to get intimate with me, as a matter of fact it got to the point where it was out of control and drove me away from him.

 

I guarantee it is an intimacy thing. It was with me. I know it is hard to get intimate and let yourself go, such that someone else can have control over your heart.

 

That being said, I would have NEVER, turned down garters and stockings!!