This Is Why NC is nonsense

[Aschleigh]

Because you have no control over your ex whatsoever. They love you or they don't , they will someday realize they made a mistake and come back to you or they won't. Talking to them won't make things different.

They will independently have to make a decision about that and you can't make it happen.

Some say it's to start the healing sooner. If you can't heal and remain in contact with an ex then don't. But it's possible to heal and remain in contact too.

If you don't want to talk to an ex then don't. But why have this NC mafia that says it good for every situation?

What if while talking to the ex your realize you love each other but it's not good to get back together. And then you stay single until you meet the right person. What if you ex is someone you love and enjoy hearing their voice from time to time. It just seems like there shouldn't be a rule for all occasions.

Anyway I wouldn't have said anything if NC wasn't sooo popular here. Anything that everyone seems to agree with should be disagreed with by someone.

[rsxguy520]

well NC is for you, not your ex and you. the way you point it out seems like NC is to get your ex back which really isn't the purpose of it. NC helps you move forward on your own without your ex. some use it some don't. I use it cause it helped me move on with my life, to eliminate all the painful emotional thoughts of what my ex put me through when she broke it off with me. Also you actually find out what you truly want. do you really want them back, or do you just miss the company, etc. just reading your post seems like nC to you is to bring back your ex or make them realize what they lost. Really though, NC isn't going to bring back your ex, its supposed to bring you back to reality.

[Maverick32x]

thats the most common misconception with NC... and i think RSX hit the nail on the head.... It is NOT meant to get your ex back!!! I can't stress that enough!!! People constantly posts replies about going on NC, asking when their partner will start talking to them again, and when can they expect them to come back to them.... It's not supposed to work like that!!!!!!!

 

NC is a great way to STOP a downward spiral..... A lot of times relationships get dragged on.. and on and on... until there is nothing left but two tattered people who probably don't want to have anything to do with each other... NC allows both parties to find themselves and realize that they don't need another person to validate themselves....

[J6hn]

After you break up you don't own your ex so you don't have a right to have power over them.

But yeah, NC is not a method for getting someone back.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I know what you mean about seeing NC advocated for every situation. It's good to question it, and never just accept something because it's the 'done' thing.

 

However, having said that, I personally see it's value in letting you heal, and also in letting you keep your dignity at a time when you're all over the place. I cringe at times when I have emailed/texted/phoned/bumped into someone after we broke up, and wish that I had been tough on myself, not allowing that kind of running after someone, initiating contact to try and keep in touch no matter what. I think there is a lot to be said for learning to cope without someone in your life, to learn to deal without them there. Even an angry exchange of messages is still having them in your life. After a break-up, personally I think you need to see that they are NOT there. It can be incredibly unhealthy and destructive.

[Siriana]

I always advice NC when a person asking for advice is still very much hurt and/or in love with her ex.

In such cases staying friends is prolonging the suffering.

And mostly when people come for advice on ena they are still very much hurt and/or in love with their ex (otherwise they wouldn't need the help) and my opinion is that NC is the best route than. So many people came here with such problem so it looks like we are trying to preach NC a lot - but it's beeing advised only in such situation (at least when I give advice). Unfortunatelly the number of such situations is HUGE

[majord23]

I always advice NC when a person asking for advice is still very much hurt and/or in love with her ex.

In such cases staying friends is prolonging the suffering.

And mostly when people come for advice on ena they are still very much hurt and/or in love with their ex (otherwise they wouldn't need the help) and my opinion is that NC is the best route than. So many people came here with such problem so it looks like we are trying to preach NC a lot - but it's beeing advised only in such situation (at least when I give advice). Unfortunatelly the number of such situations is HUGE

 

Bang on.

NC is advised here to people who are doing themselves more harm than good by staying in touch with an ex.

NC is not always advised as a permanent measure either - sometimes a dumpee can employ NC to get themselves together and aborb what has happened...before reinitiating contact with an ex.

 

Aschleigh - post links to cases where you think NC has been advised inappropriately and it may help clarify your point.

[friscodj]

Well, I see it like this. If the emotional investment in a situation is not great, it may very well be possible to end the relationship and become friends very quickly thereafter. If there are truly equal feelings on the matter, true friendship is possible.

 

But if there is any sort of difference in the depth of feelings, things will get weird at some point I guarantee it. Can you honestly and truly be happy past the smiles and well-wishes if your ex has met someone new, is crazy about them, and gives you the details? Or asks you for advice? How would you really feel then? Be honest with yourself...

 

Now, some might consider it to be "mature" or "responsible" or "civil" to hide or suppress these emotions. Others might consider it doing justice to the relationship, to the other person, and to the history and impact on each other's lives.

 

What people generally hold onto is the notion that true separation for any amount of time is bad. They somehow think they are supposed to by virtue of some social grace remain in contact with the person because it would degrade the relationship they had if they walk away from it even if for a finite amount of time. They can't bear the thought of walking away for fear of truly losing it and having what was shared not mean as much.

 

Then they hide behind this notion so they don't have to face the sting of a true separation. Every time I've ever seen or made true separation, later on down the road things are much better. The separation hurts indeed, but it is finite whereas the pain of remaining in an unbalanced emotional situation lingers indefinitely and usually at some point I've seen, a breaking point is reached and separation happens anyway.

 

The thing is, if that breaking point is reached, usually the person remembers the emotional turmoil leading up to the break point and that becomes the foremost memory of the situation which hinders true friendship later on down the road.

 

And just by the virtue someone has reached the point where they are searching the Internet for advice having most likely already spoken to family and/or friends about this, tells me the feelings are running deeper than they think in which case some amount of time away from the person and the situation with them is the best course of action for them to truly heal and free themselves from the expired relationship.

[keefy1972]

NC mafia...nice

[LLammas]

Yep, NC is for those of us pining over our exes. Breaking contact helps to break the cycle of hurting yourself by clinging to whatever the ex throws out.

 

I'm guilty of posting about using NC as a tool to get back together, but the reason for this is that I'm just beginning NC and am still pining away. Once it's in full force it will get much easier...which is the exact purpose of NC.

[Aschleigh]

yeah I think I miss the ex but what I really miss is the stuff we did together. It was fun but the relationship was missing the foundation. The love and the committment wasn't there. I did all I could to build a foundation for us. And he didn't want it. Nothing I can do about it.

I still have lots of love to give and I now know that I am willing to do the work to make a relationship great. He wasn't willing or even able to do that.

[prettydance]

me and my ex broke up 4 years ago. we still kept in contact . last he called was 2 years ago.. I just never returned the call. no contact since, its helped me 1000000%

[Honey_30]

i dont see why anyone would wanna stay in contact with a ex.. unless you werent so in love in the first place then i can see why you would and could stay in contact or if you have children together.

 

but why the hell would you wanna hear all the details of his new girl.and how things are going great for them..hell no i couldnt and wouldnt put myself through that.

 

i agree with NC its the best way at least until you feel like your heart is mended then maybe you could be in contact again someday.