Mistreated Her..Is She Gone For Good?

[SarahRose]

I really can understand why she left.

[GoingForIt_77]

Thank you Sarah. That's what you tell someone who is alone and grieving on a board, after he was just left?

 

I know why she left, but I have already admitted that my actions were responsible for pushing her away (scaring her and hurting her).

 

I am suffering the loss right now. She would be right beside me now listening to music with me, bobbing our heads together. I am ALONE right now crying, reaching out to you guys...

 

She is alone right now too and I love her and that hasn't stopped. My fears and insecurities drove me to do and say things I am not proud of at all. I am not making excuses for that.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Faking Treatment??? I'm getting a lot of angry women trying to tear me apart on here. You know, what you are doing is quite "abusive" in your own rights right now. Nothing about my treatment was FAKE. I worked very hard in my sessions with a man who never had anything to say to me... There was a lot of frustration and hard times with that and MANY times I told my ex that she should leave me, because of what I had to get a hold of. She refused to want to leave. She said that I could NOT get rid of her. That she would support me through good and bad...

 

You knew he was not helping, but you continued to go. Did you tell her that you were getting help, even when you felt it was not help?

[GoingForIt_77]

She knew I was seeing him once a week. I was trying to remain positive with the treatments. 50 sessions were being covered by insurance and so I stuck with it, but I found myself regressing and trapped and yes, I was learning to let go with her in MANY ways, which made her very happy (me too), but I was also becoming a nervous and paranoid wreck. I was cracking and I didn't know what was happening inside of me. I was scared to just let her in sometimes. When things were going too well, I didn't feel at ease, even though those are the moments I cherish the most.

 

I still love her with all my heart, as does she (what she said to my sis last night), but I questioned her feelings/sincerity. I was insecure, even though she was different...

 

I miss her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't doubt that you miss her, but you need to let her go. She has spent her life being victimized by others who were supposed to love her and she said she had been raped by someone. She needs time to come into her own to get strong and to no longer be a victim of other people's abuses. Abusers prey on people who have been perpetual victims. The reason why the women on this board are getting upset with you is because you are continuing the process to get back control. She may be encouraging at times, but that is what happens with victims of abuse...they have a hard time letting go and the abuser takes advantage of that weakness. Abusers are definitely the walking wounded as well and need as much help as victims of the abuse. The two of you are bad for each other because you both feed into the cycle. You have to set her free and start healing yourself, not simply from the breakup, but from your own demons. If you don't, you will simply find another woman like her and the cycle will repeat itself again. Therapy is good but I also suggest you read some books on abusive relationship to understand yourself as well as what made her such a ready victim. You are still young enough to overcome these issues, but you need to stop dwelling on her and getting her back and start focusing on healing yourself.

[GoingForIt_77]

Just for the record, I have been the abused as well with a previous relationship I had. She was verbally, emotionally, pshychologically and physically abusive towards me. VERY controlling, mean and scary. I was a scared little boy with her. I never fought back. Didn't have it in me to do so, so I know what my ex is going through. I really do.

[jenny_mcs]

Just for the record, I have been the abused as well with a previous relationship I had. She was verbally, emotionally, pshychologically and physically abusive towards me. VERY controlling, mean and scary. I was a scared little boy with her. I never fought back. Didn't have it in me to do so, so I know what my ex is going through. I really do.

 

 

If you truly understand what she is going through, then you would understand that you need to leave her alone.

 

I take issue that there are, as you said, "angry women trying to tear you apart" on this thread. I have not seen any post that seems angry or tries to tear you apart.

 

I think you are getting defensive becasue no one is telling you what you want to hear. Every single person on this thread is telling you the same thing- respect her wishes and cease all contact.

[GoingForIt_77]

Thing is, with my ex-abusive gf, I always hoped and wished she would truly get help and change and start treating me well (when I would leave her).. The closest I was to doing what my now ex is doing with me, was when she scared me enough for me to cease the contact (3 weeks), which was very difficult for me. I told her if she did not get help there would be no us. During that time, she would email me on a daily basis, telling me about her progress (keeping me in the loop).

 

I remember after 3 weeks, she said I need to at least speak to you on the phone and that she couldn't keep doing this (being away from me). Her pressure and my fear that I was going to lose her, made me go back to her prematurely, at which point she stopped her therapy and started up again and got even worse...Nothing but PAIN...

 

My ex is doing something I was never able to do (walk away from the one I loved). I know that this can't be easy on her. Do I need her support and her attention and warmth? Of course, but I understand where she is at. I really do. Scary thing is, she is friends with that abusive ex's younger sister...

[LittleBlue]

Hey, my man left me after nine years, six months ago due to my mental-problems (depression/anxiety). He told me to take this opportunity to get well, and I did.

We had an increadable love for each other, and he supported me through my time away (in therapy) and my grief, through emails and a few phonecalls. We both said I love you's and miss you etc, but he stuck to the part that only until we are both well, and have let go of all hope to be together, can we actually be together.

Make a very long story short, few months later he seeing and knowing me being well, his fears of the hurt and pain we went through (me being ill, as well as the painful breakup) is greater than the love we shared. He has got all the proof there is, but the fears are still there.

 

I was afraid the whole time his fears would win over his love, and they did.

He always said he wanted to be with me, but couldn't. And still can't. He too is talking him self out of loving me, and it's working. Not until now, after we sold the house and we are both leaving for many months can I see that there is nothing more I can do, than let go. He asked me to let go months ago, but I just couldn't do it. We had such a special bond and I couldn't give our love up, but I finally have to.

 

He hasn't been able to let go of me either, which made it harder. We even slept together, but only as friends. He worries about me if I don't email or call, and misstakingly I took it as hope, because he still cares, but love isn't always enough. I used to think it was, that love conquers all, but the right statement is that fear conquers all.

[LittleBlue]

Again, fear is a very strong emotion, stronger than love. He thinks and say, that I'm beautiful, sexy, smart, great etc, but it isn't enough as long as the fear of our shared pain is still there. We both worked very hard on ourselves in therapy and alone. I've been fishing for hope, asking many times how he could wright me off for ever, but it's the only way he can protect himself from the pain. Just like your ex, most likely her fear of the pain will win. My ex told me it was the hardest thing he ever had to do, let go of someone he loved so much - but needed to for my sake as well as for his. It forced us both to get to the bottom of all bad, but it wont bring us back together.

 

I still hope, but don't hold on to it. I wish I could let him go earlier in a way, but I don't think it would've made a difference. All you can do is keep LC, show your love and be a friend. Nothing will win over fear, not any time soon anyways.

[LittleBlue]

By the way, it took me three months to get over the raw intense pain you're feeling, but I'm far from over it yet. You have to be patient, it will take a long time before you both are over the grief, then maybe the fears can slowly be dealt with - not until then. I still wonder if anything can be done to take his fears away, but I don't think anything else than maybe time will. And then most likely it killed our love. Fears usually are dealt with by understanding and/or facing it. Facing it is no choice anyone chooses, to scary. Wish I could give you more hope, but if even our sweet long amazing love couldn't survive the fears, I doubt any love can.

[GoingForIt_77]

Since Wednesday afternoon, she is at a completely different place in herself now. It's as if she was asleep, or forced herself to be blind to what was happening to us, or more specifically how I was treating her. Wednesday morning she was still loving, but I still pushed, even though things WERE getting better and that's what broke the camels back and she's been gone ever since....

 

She did confuse me with her being open to emails, yet, she never replied to the one I sent her 27-28 hours ago. Not that it was an email that required an answer. In fact, it was an email that was an apology for having gone to her work. Something I shouldn't have done in the first place.

 

even before that, she wasn't sure if we should keep in touch by email (a day after having wrote me that it was okay to do so)...

 

It seems that each day that passes, she becomes more and more sure of her decision, where as until Wednesday, she told me that her love for me grows stronger every day. I believe both to be true...

 

I am very curious to see if in fact she WOULD reply to an email of mine, if I were to ask her a question, or would she go against her own word and erase me completely, saying she wouldn't.

 

I do need her support, but I fear that the longer she stays away, the easier it will be to forget about the love she has for me and to focus on the pain and the hurt and let that be her chief feeling (numbness), which is what she felt her entire life, before I opened up her heart.

[GoingForIt_77]

I have not caved in since Saturday, but am upset with my sister for having chatted with her on MSN 2 nights ago and now that she knows that my ex never emailed me back on Saturday, my sister on her own said hi last night to her (as a follow up to their chat) and when she didn't respond to her, my sister sent her an email this morning, pretty much upset with her for telling my sister that she would correspond to me by email and not cancel me out completely like this and that I still love her and am going for help and don't deserve to be ignored completely. I fear this will put pressure on my ex and upset her and now if she reaches out, it will be purely out of guilt. I didn't want that. I'm going to work now and won't be able to check my messages until after supper. I hope you can offer me some advice.

[jazzykat]

Hi GFI

 

That's great that you havn't yet caved in..

But I do think you need to speak to your sister, and kindly ask her not to contact your ex either. Your sister might mean well, but you are right in saying that it will put added pressure on your ex..

 

I have been in a relationship like this before, where I was in the position that your ex is in. Trust me when I say that the worst thing you can do is to try and maintain contact with your ex. Either directly, or indirectly. My ex kept on over stepping my boundaries, when I needed time to myself to heal. I actually built up a lot of resentment towards him for that..

 

I know your ex initially agreed to limited email contact (I did the same with my ex as well..) but she obviously wasn't banking on what has happened since then.. It sounds like she has totally withdrawn from the idea of any form of contact with you, at least for the time being anyway..

 

Kudos to you for realising that you need help, and for taking the appropriate steps to get it! A lot of people would never admit to any wrongdoing, and continue on in life, making the same mistakes.

 

I know it's hard, but try and focus on yourself. Coming from experience when I say this -but your ex is in no position to be supportive towards you right now. She needs all of her strength to heal herself, and she can only do that alone, or with the support of others who aren't emotionally involved.

 

I have a feeling that your ex won't reach out to you. At least not for awhile anyway.. She needs her space, so she can work on herself.

 

Keep up with the no contact, and keep working on yourself to make positive changes.

Let us know how the counselling goes!! Good Luck!

Jaz.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

there are always 3 parts in a relationship, you, your partner, and the dynamic of how the two of you fit together.... sometimes it fits like a lock and key in a GOOD way, and sometimes two people feed into each other problems and weaknesses, so they fit together in a BAD way.

 

either way, those bonds can be very strong, for good or for bad, but one cannot ignore the INTERACTION between two people. so you can be mostly good, she can be mostly good, but if your 'bad' or weak parts fit together in a bad way, it is NOT healthy. you say that you were 'worse' with her than with anybody else, that is your key to recognizing that this relationship is probably not good for either of you. i think your ex has recognized this, and is moving on.

 

You keep talking about how she WANTS to love you and still does, but that is only about 2% of what she is telling you, the rest of her comments are all negative, and show that she has a strong desire to no longer be with you. she has recognized that feeling some love for someone is NOT enough to overcome what might otherwise be really toxic to both of you. YOu are just reading the parts of that message you want to hear, and glossing over the rest.

 

please go back and read her email to your sister, and see that most of what she says is she is on her way out, doesn't want it anymore, and is only staying in (marginal) contact with you to help YOU, not herself.

 

This particular comment she made stopped me cold:

 

"but let me tell you he scared me more than that man ever did (the man who raped me) and that's a very scary and alarming thing for me"

 

So she is saying that you scare her worse than a RAPIST. regardless of your intentions, any woman who puts you on a scale that is worse than a rapist, will never trust you or be able to have an open loving relationship with someone she perceives that negatively.

 

What you were interpreting as hurt and crying at work because she loves you may have been total fear. women will frequently 'cooperate' with an abuser to let him think her feelings are different, while she is doing nothing but planning her escape. it is like a submissive dog who has been kicked, who may whine and lick your hand, but fear is the overriding emotion in that dog, who is thinking, please don't kick me again, rather than 'gosh, i sure love my master.'....

 

please recognize that this may not be something that you can control or fix, and that the real fix for you is to go to counseling to address your needs to control your partner, and your rage attacks as well. you shouldn't be in ANY relationship until you understand why you do this, and stop it because you know it is wrong. You also probably need to find a different woman for a partner, with a different dynamic than you had with your ex. You should fit together like a lock and key in a perfectly healthy way, not in ways that inspire the need to control in you, and fear in your partner.

 

Good luck, but please don't slip into denial about what has happened and don't try to project your own feelings onto your ex. I think her actions are making it pretty clear what she wants, and what she wants is to move on. Any further attempts to entice or manipulate her back will only inspire more fear in her, and will just keep giving you false hope.

 

She knows your number, your email, where you live etc. If she wants to continue or start up again, she will use them. otherwise you have to accept that she has made a decision that it is best for both of you to move on.

[GoingForIt_77]

Update:

 

Well, I did not know whether or not my ex replied to my sister's long email. I didn't think she would.

 

What I did do though was pretty much worry about it all day at work (my first day back in a week)...

 

At around 2:30pm, I thought okay, she must be thinking the worst of what happened and she has YET to hear my voice since last Wednesday (the break-up) and I thought it was only fair that she knew where I officially stood. I would call her from work (once) and if she didn't want to talk to me and wanted to hang up, the so be it, but I gave it a try (having done nothing for 48 hours)..

 

I used a phone at work, which was a # she wouldn't be familiar with (not intentionally...my cell was at home). She picked up on the second ring. I said hi. She said hi and her defense came up for a second (which was to be expected) and she said I don't want to talk to you (but not really sounding like she fully met it). Part of me felt that she really did want to stay on the phone and hear what I had to say. She had the option to hang up. She didn't.

 

My voice was calmer. More soothing and definitely no trace of aggression. I sounded sympathetic, because I was and she sensed it...

 

I told her before anything that I was not in control of what my sister did, however, I told her not to bother you again and that I am not one to get other people involved (which is true). I apologized on her behalf.

 

I then went on to say that I sincerely understand how she feels right now and how I made her feel in the past and that I have taken control over it and started seeing someone new and am making that a priority in my life, for ME and I emphasized that, because I MEANT it. I told her that I am not thinking relationship until I start healing in myself and that everything I said and did to her was merely a projection of how I felt about myself and never about her. I reassured her that she was always more than good enough and I understand why she is now protecting herself and that I would like to work at regaining her trust, in a slow way, by keeping in contact as friends, while I go for help, because I value our friendship above all else and there are tons of great memories. She asked me what about the bad ones? She said they can never go away. I agreed with her..

 

I asked her if it's okay that I call her back because I was at work. She said she doesn't think she wants to talk right now. I asked her what she needed straight out at this point and told her that her feelings are what's most important and she answered me this: I need "a little bit" of space. That's what she said. I told her I understood. I didn't so much as ask for clarification, but I told her, so if I email you or call you...She interrupted and said, "I can't promise anything. I don't know. I don't know if we can have contact then, or ever again for that matter. I dont know right now. I just need a little bit of space."

 

She was being sincere and not DAN, I don't want to ever hear from you again. She was honest with her feelings. She is still hurting. Still scared, but she was also very attentive and even at one point, when I said I missed her, she really seemed to be emotional and did NOT cut me off at all.

 

I left it at that and said I had to go back to work. I ended it by saying that I'm getting my * * * * together and that she was ALWAYS good enough and that I understand. I told her to take all the space she needs, because she deserves to.

 

We said goodbye and now I give her a little bit of space, while doing what I said I will do (continue to go for help) and I will not lose her #. I will get stronger for me now and allow her to clear her head and see me respecting her at the same time..

 

All in all I don't regret the call. It was good and productive. We now know where each other is at.

[jazzykat]

So, you are not going to contact her?

 

You are going to give her the space that she asked for?

[jazzykat]

"I can't promise anything. I don't know. I don't know if we can have contact then, or ever again for that matter. I dont know right now. I just need a little bit of space."

 

 

 

 

Please respect her wishes, and leave her be...

 

I think you are grasping at straws here.

 

You seem to think you know what she wants -yet you refuse to hear what she is telling you.

 

You have to move on..

Both for her sake, and yours..

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Please, please, please don't call her, don't email her. You are making her more and more uncomfortable. She needs to heal, away from you. Don't read into her wavering as a positive sign when it is really just someone who is getting pressured and feeling nervous...you are putting too much pressure on her and she wants you to go away so she can heal.

[jazzykat]

Please, please, please don't call her, don't email her. You are making her more and more uncomfortable. She needs to heal, away from you. Don't read into her wavering as a positive sign when it is really just someone who is getting pressured and feeling nervous...you are putting too much pressure on her and she wants you to go away so she can heal.

 

Amen! =D>

[CarnelianButterfly]

Just leave her alone! Can't you see that your torturing her more.

Don't call, don't right, just LEAVE HER ALONE!

 

You don't respect what she says at all, she tells you something and you comment "she didn't mean it..." or "I felt she meant this...", listen to what she's telling you, WORD FOR WORD.

I don't want to talk to you

I don't know if we can have contact then, or ever again for that matter.

It doesn't matter if she said "a little bit" or a lot, she asked you to leave her alone, respect that, you don't have any control over this, SHE DECIDES, not YOU.

[Dako]

Please stop trying to fix this. Let it heal.

[GoingForIt_77]

I hear what ALL of you are saying. I DO!! Really...

 

She asked for a little bit of space and I will give her that and myself as well. Mostly all my friends (girls) and a about 4 of my guy friends said that she could have told you to never call again. She said a little bit of space, whereby she could have said don't contact. I'll contact you when and if I am ready.

 

The sporadic. but the nonetheless pressure since last Wednesday has been too much. I do realize this and I intend to move at her pace, whatever that pace may be. She asked for a little bit of space and how to quantify that is a subjective thing really. I believe what she needs IS space, but what she is also looking to see if I can demonstrate control and restraint for more than 2 days and based on that and where she is at at that point and how she interprets.

 

I have to reiterate that NOW is too soon. It is TOO fresh for her and my not really having backed down for the last few days has put a strain on things and has given her NO time to think about things, but purely react to my impulses, versus me giving her space...

 

I will do what SHE asked for, which is a little bit of space. That may be a week. That may be 2 weeks. I just want to prove it not only to her that I am capable of doing this, but to myself as well. I DO have to reclaim some of my own independence as she is doing as well, as in her having created a new profile on a chat line (I am leaving it unnamed). I guess I have you guys and she has THAT chat line. It's not to vent like this place is. It's to meet people (old friends and new). I can't and will not hold this against her. She has every right.

 

Anyways, now I wait it out a little bit and for all those who are FORCING me to GIVE up entirely, I tell you to join another forum, because this one is the "getting back together one". Do I believe that this is possible for me in the near future? Absolutely not. I have to work on myself first, while not losing sight of her completely during that process.

[jazzykat]

That's great that she's joined a chat site -I hope that she meets and makes many new friends!!

 

Maybe she will meet someone more suited to her in there... good luck to her!

 

Yes, we are aware that this is the "Getting Back Together Forum"

 

I just don't see how you don't realise that she simply doesn't want to be with you!

 

So, wouldn't this be more aptly posted in the "Healing After a Break Up Forum?"

 

Goodness Gracious! This is getting creepy!

 

You scare her, she is probably too scared to verbalise to you "a break up for good" -as she is scared of your reaction.. -so she wavers on the precise wording of it..

 

So many times throughout your posts -she has made it very clear

that she doesn't want to be with you..

 

Why do you keep pushing it?

 

I'm sorry, but You're not doing yourself any favours either.

This is exactly what an ex of mine did -I found it soooooo frustrating..

 

Why do you expect her to "be there" for you as a "friend" and "support you" -when you hurt her sooooo badly? -you have abused her.. she is suffering far more than you are right now -and yet you feel that she 'should' be the one supporting you? she would barely have enough strength to try and heal herself -let alone "being there" for the person that inflicted all of this pain on her..

 

I don't understand your logic, or reasoning in any of this..

Sorry to be harsh -but you are acting out of selfishness..

 

If I inflicted so much pain and abuse on someone, to the point where they state that I scare them worse than a rapist, I couldn't bear to even show my face.... let alone try and (eventually) persue a relationship with them..

 

Wow... just wow!

 

I'm really worried about your ex... this whole thing sounds very disturbing..

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think while you are trying to entice her back to you, she is trying to find a way to disentangle herself from you. Please continue your therapy, and take that email she wrote to you that you posted here to your therapist so that they can understand where she is coming from and why she left you, not just your interpretation of what you think she is thinking/feeling.

 

I think her email is very clear, and you are just refusing to accept that things have gone so far into abuse with her that she is not willing to try to make it work.

 

Give her space, in fact, don't even contact her unless she contacts you. If you keep this up, she may indeed get a restraining order, but then that might be what you need to understand what she really wants, not what you hope she wants.