Trying to accept that I was verbally abused...

[Steelergal]

Hello all-

 

I am having an extremely rough time right now as I am going through separation and divorce (not my choice). To make things even more complicated, since I have been out of the marriage I have started to open up about things to my family, friends, and counselor and it seems that I was verbally and emotionally abused by my husband for years! I am still not sure if it is true but everything I read about this subject seems to be an exact representation of my marriage. It is almost too much to deal with right now.

 

Even though he apparently did not treat me properly, I still feel devastated that he left me and that we are over. All I can think about are the good times. The bad times aren't even that horrible to me (at least until the end) but people are in shock when I tell them things that went on. It makes me feel sick that I want that back in my life because I don't think a normal person would tolerate what I did. But he always made me feel like I deserved it because I was so hard to deal with, overemotional, psycho, oversensitive, etc.

 

He came from an abusive family but I always thought I was lucky to get the "good one" out of the three boys. He could be so charming and sweet and do wonderful things for me. But when he was mean it was terrible. I cried so much of the time, especially towards the end. I am also realizing that he was never supportive of me during hard times like a husband should be. But again, I just thought my expectations of him were too high.

 

It's very weird because I can see a pattern in our relationship. When things were easy and fun, he was great and the verbal abuse was not that bad. But as we took on more adult responsibilities, it got worse. I always just put up with it until this past summer. We had so many external stressors...more than we ever had before. Then his treatment of me went out of control to a point where I confided in a friend about it because I would start every workday in tears and started to get very depressed. She encouraged me to speak up to my counselor, who told me that I should stand up to him and tell him that I did not deserve to be treated that way. I did and I told him that I could not stay in the marriage and be happy unless he started to be nicer and more respectful to me.

 

Guess what he did then......went and had an affair with a skank that he supervises at work and blamed me for pushing him away by saying that I was unhappy. I actually regret speaking up for myself because I feel like we would still be together if I had kept my big mouth shut.

 

But as I am learning more about verbal abuse, I guess he just freaked out when he saw he was losing control of me and ran to someone else because he was too immature to work on the marriage. But he always blames me for everything which drives me crazy. He also says that he got tired of dealing with my anxiety and depression issues....which I never had before I met him. Now I am starting to think that these were caused by his treatment of me over the 11 years we were together. He is a master at manipulating me.

 

In spite of what I am realizing and trying to accept (still not convinced it's all true and is not just me), I still cry every day over him and it's been almost 3 months. How do you get over something like this? Will I ever be able to say that he was bad for me and close the door on him? It seems like such a waste of so many years of my life. I gave him everything and I think I was just an object to him. If he really loved me, he wouldn't be treating me so crappy right now...I think. This is hell to go through...

[Aurian]

Hey Steelergal, ignore the spammer there if you already read it. Your post sounded so familiar to me, because my ex verbally and emotionally abused me as well. When things were good, he was incredibily fun, sweet and charming. And when things were bad, I would cry for hours and blame myself for not being good enough or being so emotionally unstable that I would cause this "wonderful" guy to act this way.

 

The times I stood up for myself, I got retailation in a way that caused me to blame myself and wish I kept my mouth shut. He was a master manipulator. I filed for divorce back in July when I realized something. No matter how good I was, no matter how loving I was, not matter how hard I tried, there would always be something to blame me for! Of course, it didn't hurt that he had taken to smashing things and waving a knife around for stupid things like my having lunch out while at work or a comment about a soccer game.

 

Even so... I kept wanting to go back. I missed the good side of him, and my mind wanted to forget the bad side. That lasted for a few months for me too. I found counselling very helpful. I had both a counselor through my work, and one online (recommended by the first one, this one was for dealing with heartbreak and moving on). Let me know if you'd like me to pass on info on the online one. I also found it helpful to remind myself of the bad things, and remind myself of why I filed for divorce. I definitely needed that.

 

These days? I still feel a bit angry at times, but I don't blame myself anymore. Now, I just want to find a guy who is sweet without the poison.

 

I also found this site helpful too: link removed

At the bottom, there is a link to explain why a victim wants to stay with an abuser. I thought understanding myself better helped too.

[blender]

Yes, you were verbally and emotionally abused, and it's so difficult right now for you to have any perspective or clarity, try going to: link removed you will find many wonderful answers and perspective there, scroll down and try clicking on any of the chapters... and be proud of yourself for taking the time to "understand" all this, and to move on in your life...

[Steelergal]

Thank you so much for your replies and for the links. I have started reading the information over but it gets a little overwhelming for me so I'm taking it slowly. I have a feeling that I have a very long road ahead of me.

 

My Mom was so upset with me tonight because I said that I just wish he and I were back together like we were before he had the affair. She couldn't believe that I would want to live like that again but I told her that it was better than the pain I am feeling now. I know in my head that is really screwed up. It makes me realize how much he messed me up. I just miss him so much but who in their right mind would miss that treatment? The articles that you both linked seem to have some explanations for it that make some sense in my situation.

 

It really hurts because I don't think he ever truly loved me or was committed to me. I think I was just an object to him. When he got bored with me and had to face too much responsibility AND deal with the emotional mess he had made of me, he threw me away for someone else. He will not even acknowledge my existence now. Ouch.

 

I really feel completely screwed up in the head. I can't stop missing him! How will I ever get over this? I wasted 11 years of my life on someone who treated me like crap and made me an emotional wreck. But yet I wish we could go back to how things were. According to my friends and family, I should be glad that this happened and forced me to leave the relationship. When I even confide minor incidences to them, they are horrified...and I am thinking to myself..."what was so bad about that???"

 

Well...thanks again for listening to my rambling!

[Juliana]

"How will I ever get over this? I wasted 11 years of my life on someone who treated me like crap and made me an emotional wreck."

 

Whether or not something is wasted depends on what use we make of it later. It's not that the abuse makes us stronger; it's the life we build up around that broken place that is stronger. You haven't had much time out of it yet; it probably feels more like an amputation than a breakup.

 

You're going to get to a point where the thought of being back with him is going to turn your stomach.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It is very easy emotionally to confuse how one is treated by others with who we really are, but that just is not true... How you are treated by someone else is a reflection of their OWN character, not yours.

 

By that i mean, he treated you badly becuase he was a bad guy! you could be a GREAT girl, but a bad guy is still going to treat you badly because that is who HE is, not who you are... one can't control another person's behavior, only evaluate the other person based on their behavior...

 

a nice person wouldn't treat anybody the way he did... a nice person treats everyone well, good or bad.

 

please continue with your counseling so that you can truly understand boundaries... i.e., where you leave off and other people begin. it sounds like you were very dependent on him for your own sense of self, and the only way to fix that is to continue your therapy to discover who you really are, regardless of what other people tell you... and you miss him not because he was a good person and you were good to each other, but because he is familiar, and your boundaries with him got messed up to the point where you believed his nonsense, that he was good, you bad, you had to do what he wanted, not what was good for you.

 

the most important thing to recognize too is that what he wanted was a doormat and someone to dump his negative emotions on, and when you stopped being a doormat, he went off to find another one. and do you really want to be a doormat the rest of your life? what good is that, and i guarantee going back to him would mean becoming a doormat again, because he doesn't want anyone who is an equal, becuase then he'd have to give something, not just take.

 

don't worry about time you have 'wasted', that is life, sometimes we make wrong choices, but the good news is you have many many more years you can spend on feeling good about yourself rather than bad about yourself... don't look back to the sad shadow he would make you, please look forward to a full life surrounded by people who really love you and don't use and abuse you.

[galaXyGyrl]

Hi there is another site that could help you too, the people are wonderful & it specifically deals with VA/EA/PA COEY, you name it...google dr. irene and verbal abuse. The people are friendly & only wish to help as they are going through similar experiences. I am not an advertiser but went there for help myself.

 

((((Steelergal))) sometimes we romantisize the ideal & then learn about the real person after already becoming enmeshed or codependant. You deserve much better than how you were treated.

[Ninako]

I have just recently (as in the past 6 months) delt with finally cutting off my ex. So I have a rough idea of the pain.

 

I know the difficulties of not going back to that person. You truly loved them. Loved them enough to change anything and everything just to keep them happy. You put them before yourself. But as youll soon if not already realize, they didnt put any effort in to it. Its hard to give up someone you love. But you need to love yourself, and be independent. A successful relationship is based on two independent people, whether they have similar interests, or are completely different. Both partners need to feel wanted and have to want to be there. And if they do, they BOTH require the effort that is needed to make it work. This is what ive realized. This is how I view a normal relationship is. No strings attached(your both in it cause you want to be) and no clingyness and no one person being in control.

 

" I know in my head that is really screwed up."

It happens. We get attached and so used to a certain process of things, and so comfortable, sometimes we forget or force ourselves to forget what is right and wrong. In my case, I always felt I couldnt do better. He was my first love....

 

You may miss him terribly, but remember, that an aggitated wound doesnt heal. Leave it be and eventually it will become bearable.

 

"It really hurts because I don't think he ever truly loved me or was committed to me."

I kinda felt the opposite, only because we were alot of firsts for each other. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, believing perhaps he DID love me, but didnt know how to show it properly. After seeing a few sites & recognizing conditions, however, Im unsure.

 

 

"When he got bored with me and had to face too much responsibility AND deal with the emotional mess he had made of me, he threw me away for someone else. He will not even acknowledge my existence now. Ouch."

 

My ex did this time & again to me as well. Generally when we broke up(we were constantly on/off) I was usually calm about him dating others (i know its completely different and wrong when your married, it was irresponsible of him to do that to you). He would ignore me like I had suddenly slipped off the face of the planet. It sucked

 

 

I really feel completely screwed up in the head. I can't stop missing him!

 

Instead remember the bad & negative too, that way you can remember why you need to leave and get your life back together. As stated in previous posts.

 

"How will I ever get over this? I wasted 11 years of my life on someone who treated me like crap and made me an emotional wreck. But yet I wish we could go back to how things were. According to my friends and family, I should be glad that this happened and forced me to leave the relationship. "

 

It still hurts, and prolly will hurt for a long time. We may not completely get over it, but perhaps we shouldnt let it control us? Im still trying to figure out for myself how to deal with it.

 

Whats so bad? Your the one thats got a conscience about the whole matter while he escapes in low ways.

I was lucky and stumbled accross a good guy. He heard me out & helped me out, and showed me that relationships shouldnt be like that. He is very supportive & is also my best friend. Just remember that it was NOT a healthy relationship. I jumped into a new one too quickly though. Im trying to overcome this in fear it may effect the guy im with now. Luckily, he's very patent. He sees what its done to me. All I need is for him to hear out how im making progress. Do this with a friend, or family member. These people are unlike this guy, they will turn an ear and listen, and put forth the effort to help you feel better about yourself! You gotta trust in them now.

 

Confide in your family, your friends, anyone but him. Get your life back on track. This too shall pass. Hopefully both of us will do okay! Goodluck.

[Steelergal]

Thank you to everyone who posted.....there are a lot of things that really hit home for me in your words. It's so nice to be able to communicate with people who truly seem to understand.

 

The weird thing is that I still can't seem to accept as fact that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship! Every time that I come close to being able to say it and mean it, I doubt myself all over again. I feel like I am just trying to make myself feel better by making my husband look like he was bad because I am upset about him leaving me for another woman. I then convince myself that the problem in the marriage was me and my being emotional, oversensitive, twisting things around to make myself look good, etc. It's hard to explain...

 

My counselor, my priest, my family, and my friends all keep telling me that I was in this type of relationship and that I need to believe it so that I can heal. But something inside me just won't agree with it. I have so many emotions tearing through me these days that I don't even know how to start untangling them....I think that I am really falling into a bad depression about all of this. Of course, my husband is off with his new skank girlfriend living it up and not even missing me or feeling bad about anything. Eleven years that I dedicated to him and making him happy and this is what I get. It really truly sucks.

 

"You're going to get to a point where the thought of being back with him is going to turn your stomach."---I hope that you are right about this! Everyone else seems to be happy for me that I am rid of him but I am just so sad right now!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

when one is with an abusive person, one is essentially 'brainwashed' to believe that the only person that matters is the abusive person... you have no rights, no independent thought or self... so you are still believing that, and need time to heal and put this in perspective...

 

even if you were NOT abused, a husband who runs off with a skank after 11 years is not a good guy, and you have a right to see it that way, and recognize that regardless, you deserved fidelity, and better treatment than that... regardless of who you are, good or bad, he may have done this to you, because he was bored, or wanted someone younger, or whatever... happens to LOTS of women, and NONE of them deserve it...

 

please don't focus on the 11 years you gave, but on the rest of the years you have to find a life where you are treated well and not badly...

 

there are always the stages of grief in a breakup, denial, bargaining, anger, acceptance etc. so give yourself time, and keep up the therapy and one day you will feel your OWN feelings, rather than his feeling about who you were or should have been...