Is resentment towards a spouse normal behavior?

[v8vachon]

I resent him, we just got married 3 months ago and at times, even after an apology, I dont speak to him for HOURS, it can even be overnite. There are times when I absolutely dislike him after an argument, even though he's apologized, I cant get over it right away, it takes me a while. Is that normal? is that healthy? I didnt do this before we were married, this just started and im worried it may destroy us, we become strangers to one another when i do this.

[RayKay]

Well, I would not say it's healthy, and I would not say that it will help you have a healthy relationship and marriage.

 

It will certainly create distance, resentment and lead to break downs in your relationship.

 

I think you need to figure out why you develop this resentment. Is it because you want to be right? Is it because you feel there should be no fighting? Is it because reality does not meet expectations? Is it because you feel his apology is not genuine?

 

Another related question...do you ever apologize after an argument? Do you apologize when you don't talk to him for hours? I am just trying to figure out if there is a power imbalance here, and some passive aggressiveness going on.

[Scout]

You say you didn't do these things before you got married, but I'm curious if you ever felt like doing them. If so, how did you head the feelings off?

[Beec]

Somehow, I think there must be some power issues going on here, based on one of your previous threads, and that it does not meet your expectations.

 

In addition to the others' concerns, I think you may need to figure out how to get what it is that you want. Complaining about things, getting angry, ignoring someone and fighting are not ways to really get what you want from someone. It's much more productive if you can get them to work at trying to make you happy, and perhaps keep raising that bar, so long as the bar in the other direction keeps getting raised.

 

Also, remember how you are supposed to love. You are supposed to love your husband even at the moments when you cannot stand him and want to strangle the life out of him. This obviously does not refer to "love" in the sense of how you feel. Instead, it refers to you still doing what is in his best interests at these times.

[v8vachon]

sometimes I feel I am a product of my first marriage, this is my second and I am a different person, I have my guards up with him at all times and I know its wrong. This is his first marriage, he expects me to be a first marriage.. wife..but Im not. I defend myself constantly and always have to hold on to my point of view. Thanks for your input .. all of you. I do have to take responsibility for not talking to him and giving the silent treatment, I do owe him an apology. Neither of us have a problem apologizing, but Ifeel like a lot of his apologies are just words and not sincere, almost like a pacifier for a situation. I thought maybe the fact that we are both gemenis had to do with it.. we are both stubborn and opinionated. But I see this goes deeper..

[Scout]

I find your signature interesting. Do you see any correlations between it and your current marital issues?

[v8vachon]

actually Scout I do.. I 've tried to break down some walls in other people's lives and built some in my own life also...subcounciously.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think sometimes a short cooling off period after an argument can be healthy, especially if the argument is not being productively solved, but you have to *consciously* say something like, look, let's just cool this off for a while and we can talk when we've calmed down... then give each other a little space...

 

this is very different than the silent treatment, which is more about punishing the other person than calming down the disagreement... so you need to ask yourself, why do you feel the need to punish him so much? if you really value your marriage and think this is out of control, then you might want to get some counseling, for read some books on constructive ways to solve disagreement... and recognize that everyone will have disagreements, but it is how you handle them that will determine whether your marriage will survive or not...

[Northalius]

Come clean with your husband about how you feel. Communication is key in a healthy relationship!

 

Being totally honest and openly communicating about issues is contagious; the more someone sees you're open with them about deep-rooted emotional issues, the more comfortable they'll become in opening up to you in light of that.

 

Have either of you spoken to a marriage counselor?

[v8vachon]

we just got married.. 3 months ago.. and we already need counseling!!!? maybe we're just not meant to be then.. we NEVER argued like we've been doing and it wearing me down.. maybe we should have lived to gether before marriage.. maybe w would have never married.. who knows.. I just feel like everything ends in.. counseling.. counseling has never worked for me before... how has counseling worked for you before?

[RayKay]

we just got married.. 3 months ago.. and we already need counseling!!!? maybe we're just not meant to be then.. we NEVER argued like we've been doing and it wearing me down.. maybe we should have lived to gether before marriage.. maybe w would have never married.. who knows.. I just feel like everything ends in.. counseling.. counseling has never worked for me before... how has counseling worked for you before?

 

Just my $0.02, but I think when you get married, you are committed to at least doing all you can before walking away.

 

Certainly trying counselling is a better option first than deciding you are not "meant to be" Even people whom are great for one another have to work through things.

 

It does not matter if it is only three months in...even more reason to address it NOW before it gets worse. Heck, PRE-marital counselling is a great idea to get couples on right track towards communication, why not afterwards?

 

It only works as long as both are ready to put the effort in, and my advice is it works much better when you address it EARLY, then you do it as a last ditch effort.

[Dwayne Dibbley]

BeStrongBeHappy has it in a nutshell.

You have to vocalise the intent to calm and when you do word it so neither and both are at fault as opposed to insinuating blame on one party alone. I only know this because I've discovered it myself. Saying "Look, just let it go and shut up" fuels the fire but "Hold on sweetheart, I think we're both letting this get out of hand. How about we just hold each other a while" has the effect of calming both of you and you tend to forget most of the argument or suddenly see it as trivial and pointless.

 

One other thing. Never take it to the bedroom with you. You'll most likely wake up feeling resentful but not knowing why.

[assumeLove]

Look for Steven Stosny's books or visit his website for his CDs and articles. He knows an awful lot about resentment and has a cure for it that works for a lot of people.

 

You might also want to learn how to argue more effectively. A search on marriage education and your state's name should turn up lots of programs. There's a popular one created by PREP, Inc.

[caro33]

I resent him, we just got married 3 months ago and at times, even after an apology, I dont speak to him for HOURS, it can even be overnite. There are times when I absolutely dislike him after an argument, even though he's apologized, I cant get over it right away, it takes me a while. Is that normal? is that healthy? I didnt do this before we were married, this just started and im worried it may destroy us, we become strangers to one another when i do this.

 

I also got married 3 months ago, and I also find I am not the happy wifey that he perhaps wishes I was. I am starting to withdraw, and feel exhausted.

I haven't been sure what's happening here. Doctor says maybe mild depression, maybe thyroid issues, maybe I'm pregnant. He's not doing anything wrong at all and I feel like a bit of a failure to be honest.

 

So I don't have the answer for you by any means, but do ask you to have a look at other stuff in case it's the real issue, not so much your own little resentment kick.

 

And I also think that this is in itself is by no means a sign of incompatibility or a deep problem in the relationship. If there are no other issues you can look to, try and trust the you who got married and put less pressure on yourself for now.

 

Counselling is another weapon in your arsonal. It is a tool for resolving the issue, not a sign of failure.

[Jlizzy]

Heya...

 

Fair play to you that you recognise the things you are doing.

Regardless, it is never fair in my opinion to continue the silent treatment and being angry if your partner apologises. In fact silent treatment in my opinion is a big no no anyway...

 

From what you've said it sounds like it suddenly changed with marriage. You seem to recognise much of what is going on before you've even sought advice.

 

Judging by what you've told us it seems like, and to me appears you know this yourself, that really the main issues are coming from within yourself.

 

I know it's crappy to do counselling so soon into marriage (I ended up in the exact same boat!) but a-counselling is nothing to be ashamed of b-it does NOT mean your marriage is failing c-you obviously have some deeprooted issues that need resolving and hopefully a counsellor could assist you in figuring this out d-is it not bettter to go to a counsellor even if 3 months into the marriage than to not go out of some sense of the marriage is doomed and this is shame and then for it to fail? Surely anything to help your marriage is worth a try?

 

I believe in counselling. I'm with my current bf 10 months and already some time back I started to consider counselling due to some issues I think keep arising for me with each relationship -including that to my ex husband.

 

Give it a try!

[Jlizzy]

Btw obviously not only do you need to look at yourself, which is great that you're doing so to such a deep level, but obviously you also need to assess if there is actually something subconsciously in the relationship or with your hubby which is triggering this in you.

 

Not in a blame way but to asses what is happening and then calmly and rationally for you guys to put your heads together and figure out how to get past it.No blame games.

 

From what you say yourself it would be worth looking into how your past marriage is affecting your image of marriage today. Perhaps your nervous about another failed marriage? Perhaps you have some kind of resentment to be tied down? ONly you can know!