It's ex's BD today: please give me reasons not to contact him!

[longhaircats]

I am about to send a text message to wish him a happy birthday. Most of you would opporse to it, but why not? Please give me good reasons why I shouldn't.

 

My ex boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me 6 months ago. I never cheated on him, but I took him for granted and made him feel insecure so he ended it. It's been 3.5 months since I saw him last time, 3 months since I stop calling him. He sent me a Xmass e-card, and I responded to him by email but it was very brief.

 

I've been doing well moving on with my life since I initiated NC, but he is always in my mind. I don't want him to think that I don't care about him, but I am not ready to be just friends with him. But is it really a bad idea to send him a simple happy birthday text? I am aware that he might not reply to my text, but I have nothing to lose....

 

Any advice appreciated!

[Budman]

he broke up with you, and told you he was not interested in pursuing a relationship any longer.

 

If you text him, you are violating his wishes are you not?

 

In general still taking him for granted in a way as saying, "I know best". Still not appreciating his thoughts or feelings.

 

*this is the way I look at it*

 

On top of this however, he sent you an ecard, but he might have sent 100 people ecards and forgot to remove you from his contact list.

 

I say, forget about it

[chai714]

Many people swear by NC, but NC is not the Bible.

 

You can be a decent person, tell him Happy Birthday and still be able to get over him.

[Scotcha]

People who want you to wish them a happy birthday don't break up with you.

 

(I've never wished a happy birthday to anyone who broke my heart and I've never expected anyone I've trampled on to wish me one either.)

[Scout]

Normally, I would say, hey...what does it hurt to send a cordial happy birthday wish? But I went back over some of your threads, and hon...I gotta say...the damage is definitely done to this relationship and for now anyway, it's truly over. On top of all the insecurity and rollercoaster ups and downs that marked your relationship while you two were together, you're also now thousands of miles apart...literally and figuratively.

 

For your own sake and self-healing, I really feel it's best you move forward, too. And I am afraid that a happy birthday text will result in an exchange with each other that might make you feel happy and good at first, but only leave you feeling worse after you realize it didn't change anything after all.

 

I know you loved him, and I believe you still do in a way, but I also think there is a part of you that realizes this relationship was unnaturally problematic. For your sake, I do suggest you make 2007 the year that you forge more secure and mentally peaceful connections with people. You went through a hell of a ride in this last relationship. Your emotions and nerves must be exhausted from it. Give them a break, and don't try to re-connect something with your ex, even through something as (seemingly) insignificant as a birthday text.

[Scout]

I never cheated on him, but I took him for granted and made him feel insecure so he ended it.

 

And based on your threads, there was a little more contributing to the break up than this. Stop heaping all this guilt on yourself, just acknowledge your part, understand that he contributed to the relationship's problems, too (but don't get hung up on it, because that will just further your habitual thinking about him), make a promise to yourself you won't repeat unhealthy behaviors in a subquent relationship, and then take a big deep breath and welcome what 2007 will bring you with open arms.

[longhaircats]

Thank you so much for all of you who responded me so quickly.

 

Scout, thank you very much for taking your time to read my old threads. You are right, it was a rollercoater ride, and a part of me feel releaved that it's over. But I miss him so much, and my heart still controls my actions sometimes. I'm back in town for a holiday now, and I feel like old emortions came right back to me. I still love him after all these bad times

[Scout]

You're welcome. I have a question...are the feelings you're having entirely made up of longing & love for him? Or could there be some general loneliness mixed up in there? I suspect the latter, and now you're trying to minimize the problems you two had before, and are putting him on a bit of a platform. Maybe you should read your other threads, too. He's no saint, and he essentially abandoned you several times.

 

You can find yourself in a more secure relationship one day. You just have to believe in yourself a little bit, believe that healthy love really does exist out there. I found it. And so can you.

[onelittleladybug]

Longhaircats -

 

I don't see anything wrong with a happy bday text. I would rather send the wishes than ignore it. But just remember thats all it is and it wont lead to anything else.

[BrokenHeart82]

Heres your reason for not contacting: it wont matter.

 

At best he thinks youre a sweet girl for contacting.

 

At worst he is annoyed that you cant leave him alone..even on his birthday.

 

Either way it isnt going to bring him running and screaming back to you!

[dyoung]

I personally think you should be able to say Happy Birthday...

 

I dont mean to flame any of you guys, but some of you are tripping. Just because you stop dating someone doesnt mean they are or you are a bad person....

[Scout]

 

I dont mean to flame any of you guys, but some of you are tripping. Just because you stop dating someone doesnt mean they are or you are a bad person....

 

That has little to do with why we're advising her not to text him. If you read the history of their relationship in her other threads, you too might conclude that while neither of them are bad people, they're bad for each other in terms of a relationship, and the wounds for her, at least, aren't entirely healed enough to view him in just a friends-only light. I know you didn't mean to flame, I'm just suggesting there are a few more layers here to her situation. Plus, the past times they've lightly communicated haven't left her feeling ok about everything. I don't see how this time will be different.

[blender]

I think Scout is really giving you some sound advice, it's very thoughtful and specific....and her words can really help you assess why you want to do this, and how it will make YOU feel afterwards.

 

When my exes birthday came up, I had a very close male friend who said to me, "why don't you give yourself and him both a present today, and do NOT send him any texts."

 

So I didn't, even though I tried to fool myself into thinking "it would be nice" that's all, but the fact was it wouldn't be "right" for me, because I was still harboring feelings, and he was NOT contacting me, so it was best to let it go..for me anyway, and I'm glad I didn't text anything, but you do what is best for you "in the long run" not as a reaction to your "feelings of this moment".. Let us know what you decide...

[Honey Pumpkin]

I wouldn't text him if I were you - simply because there are only two realistic options i). he responds with a simple 'thank you' + silence, and i feel let down after building it up in my mind or ii). he doesn't respond, and I would be hurt again.

 

I like blender's advice about giving yourselves both a present and not sending any texts - struck a chord with me. And Scout too is dead on the money with her advice!

 

I know how tempting it is - I hate myself for texting when I don't want to, and then feeling dreadful for hours/days afterwards. My tip - give your phone to someone else. Or if that's not an option, switch it off, leave it at home, and go out for HOURS, to the cinema, for coffees etc, so that the day passes and you are not faced with temptation.

 

You'll feel good tomorrow, and glad that you haven't reopened old wounds that haven't completely healed yet.

 

Good luck - keep posting!!

[deejay74]

unless he is your friend, which it doesn't sound like he is, then there is no reason to send him a text on his birthday. i don't send texts to anyone who's not my friend for any reason. ex or not.

 

my ex sent me a happy birthday text several months after we stopped talking and after she told me we weren't friends. i was actually annoyed that she did.

 

why wish someone a happy birthday if they don't even contact you?

 

i think you're expecting something, like having him call you, in return for sending the text.

 

trust me, i've been in your shoes many times and it's better to let the day come and go. at best, he'll wonder why you didn't send anything. i always regretted sending an ex any correspondence because i usually didn't get any response.

[JoeWho]

I'm with Deejay on this one. What possible good feelings could come from you texting him? Then think about the bad feelings that could come from it. The bad possibilities sure do seem to outweigh the good ones. Protect yourself and just let the day go by. Its just another day to you now.

 

Be Strong

[rsxguy520]

my ex's birthday is coming up soon. i do agree with a lot of people posting, what are you going to get out of it? really though? if they hurt you, why would you wanna wish them a happy birthday? think about your feelings and self before you do such a thing. i know im not going to do it, and yes to me now, its just another day =T.

[longhaircats]

Hi all,

 

Thank you so much for all your advice. So far I have managed not to send him a text and am glad that I haven't. I know that if I send him a text I would wait for his responce and there would be more hurt feelings than good feelings aftar all. I just needed to hear that from you and made my head clear. I will buy a nice gift to myself tomorrow if I get through this without doing anything stupid!!

 

The day is almost over and I would be fine tomorrow. I wish you a happy new year to all of you!!

 

hugs and kisses,

 

cats

[blender]

I guess we always have to ask ourself, what "good, honest" feelings would come from texting him happy birthday?....I know, I know you want to "use this as an opportunity for contact" but try not to be tempted... because honestly if a guy wants to hear from you, HE calls YOU long before his birthday....

 

A guy who is really honestly interested in hearing from you, well he doesn't send cards, he doesn't text, he doesn't email, he actually picks up the phone and calls.

 

if he hasn't made the "effort" to pick up the phone and call you during this whole time.. well, then it's probably best to not make any contact, even on a birthday..

 

You seem to be on the honest and self respecting right track so far today.. keep it up...and As I said earlier, you can always look at it as my male friend said: "give yourself and him a present and do not contact him"

[longhaircats]

I did not sending him a text yesterday, but I am still feeling down. I have this urge to contact him and tell him that I still love him. When I started NC, I set a goal of at least 3 months (until his BD) and I didn’t know what to do after my initial goal has been achieved. I know it is more likely that I get hurt by contacting him, but at the same time I want to let him know that I loved him much more than he think I did. I know it's a silly idea. Like Deejay, Joewho and others said, there would be more harm than good.

 

Scout, to answer your earlier question, my feelings for him is nothing to do with my loneliness, because I have now few good friends in the city I moved to and I have started meeting a lot of new people. One guy in particular really likes me and he even came to the US to visit me during my holiday here. I like him very much too, but I don't think I am going to fall for him. I dated several guys since the breakup, but the more I date others, the more I miss my ex. Most people I dated were great. They seem to have no issues of insecurity or childhood trauma and are very successful in their lives, but none of them made me feel the way I felt with my ex. What's wrong with me? Am I just obsessed with my ex? ](*,)

 

Blender, my ex has not called me even once for the past 3 months. He told me in his last email that he will "let me go" because he does not want to hurt me anymore. Do you think a guy would still call if he want to hear from me after saying that?

[blender]

I understand what you are going through, but the good news is YOU have NOT contacted him either... you asked:

 

"He told me in his last email that he will "let me go" because he does not want to hurt me anymore.Do you think a guy would still call if he want to hear from me after saying that?"

 

Nothing stops a man who's intentions are to be in your life, no matter what he said....I think if a man's intention is love, respect, and wanting to really talk to you, HE will contact YOU and nothing will stop him....even the above statement he made, and that's a pretty powerful statement, I mean look at what he says:

 

"HE will let YOU go, because HE does not want to hurt YOU anymore"...

 

wow, he's pretty powerful huh? Nope, not anymore, you are regaininng your own personal empowerment, so we can re-phrase that sentence above in a minute.

 

Good news is, YOU by having the courage to not contact him, well YOU are healing, even though it's tough, the fact that you did not call him yesterday is a sure sign that YOU are gaining back your self respect.. and soon enough you will be free of all these "thoughts about him".. it just takes time..

 

He is NOT contacting you, then trust that it's best for you to feel all you are feeling but do not re-act to it by contacting him..ugh... I know how tough this is I've been there, during my no contact I had some really tough days where I thought "I just have to call him".. but I didn't , thank god.. he eventually started to contact me, EIGHT months later, through email.. ugh.. whatever...

 

You are doing the RIGHT thing to just feel your feelings, talk them out with a friend, or vent on this site, but do NOT contact HIM... if a man is worthy of your energy it is because HE is making a loving, respectful, courageous, INTENTIONAL EFFORT to be in your life, or to make contact.. if not, then write this out on a piece of paper tape it up where you can see it:

 

"YOU are going to let go of HIM, so YOU don't hurt YOU anymore"

[CareBear53187]

"HE will let YOU go, because HE does not want to hurt YOU anymore"...

 

 

"YOU are going to let go of HIM, so YOU don't hurt YOU anymore"

 

 

I really dig that, blender. That is so true. My ex boyfriend said something along these lines as though he was doing me SUCH a favor...oh please...i really like the idea of turning that around..don't let your ex have so much power over you...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

so what is the point of your contact? there is nothing 'wrong' about any form of contact, except that one has to try to understand your own motivation, and whether that contact is good or bad for you....

 

sure, you can send him a text, but how will you feel if he doesn't respond, or responds badly, etc.

 

the trick in breakups is not to delude yourself, or try to convince yourself that contact will somehow get you what you want... it may, or it may not, and may make you feel worse than better, and prevent you from seeing things realistically... contact with an ex is nowhere as good as being with someone who is CURRENT in your life, cares about you, spends time with you, has a future with you, not just a past with you.