Viper55666 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 I havent spoken to me ex since last saturday, I wen't to see her and said that I understood that she wanted to be free and live her own life, but I still wanted her to be a part of mine so even if it just meant one date a fortnight or one date a month for as long as it takes then I'd be happy with that. Well lets just say I didn't get an enthusiastic response. I've given up now, I cant do this anymore! So I've taken a positive step towards recovery... I signed up to a dating website, I still love my wife but maybe the company of a good woman will help me to leave it in the past. The only problem is that I've had to disable my account for now. One of her work friends is on the site I signed up for, I shouldn't care but I do, Do you guys think I should send my ex an email and just say I've signed up and I wanted to tell her myself rather than her find out through her friend? Link to comment
ToodlePip Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Gah - feel quite cool about everything, but I'm still sitting on this email. My plan was to read it over the weekend and answer on Monday. She sent it Wednesday. Now of courzse I'm feeling the pressure of not being rude (and she sent it to my work email so I can't really say I haven't seen it. It's not even the fact that she's in touch that's bothering me, ratehr the rude/not rude issue. I've also found out that there's a 90% chance that my department will be moved to the same buildign she works in, floor below her. Unless she gets made redundant, life will be thrusting us together again. Same office, same street. Grrr... Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Gah - feel quite cool about everything, but I'm still sitting on this email. My plan was to read it over the weekend and answer on Monday. She sent it Wednesday. Now of courzse I'm feeling the pressure of not being rude (and she sent it to my work email so I can't really say I haven't seen it. It's not even the fact that she's in touch that's bothering me, ratehr the rude/not rude issue. I've also found out that there's a 90% chance that my department will be moved to the same buildign she works in, floor below her. Unless she gets made redundant, life will be thrusting us together again. Same office, same street. Grrr... Wouldn't she hold less power over you if you read it and responded right away? I mean, if you're planning to respond anyway? If you're not planning to respond you may as well just delete it. Link to comment
ToodlePip Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Possibly. I suppose the way I'm seeing it is that by not reading it, I don't know what it's about. And hence it doesn't matter and I can carry on with things oblivious. But I guess I'm trying to keep communication open. I still consider reconciliation an option, rightly or wrongly. I suppose I don't have the strength, or the desire to cut her off completely. Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Possibly. I suppose the way I'm seeing it is that by not reading it, I don't know what it's about. And hence it doesn't matter and I can carry on with things oblivious. But I guess I'm trying to keep communication open. I still consider reconciliation an option, rightly or wrongly. I suppose I don't have the strength, or the desire to cut her off completely. I know it doesn't work the same for everyone, but the less time the ball spends in my court the more clearly I can focus on other things. I don't like playing games so if I want a speedy response, I give a speedy response. It's quite simple really. Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Don't disable your account and don't tell your wife. If your friend tells your wife, so what? What can she possibly do that she hasn't already done? Man, your wife left you. She changed her name back to her maiden name on her internet profiles. She's devestated you and yet, you still worry what she might think? It is time for you to think about yourself and what you need. You deserve to be able to take care of yourself. Link to comment
ToodlePip Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 See, I'm the opposite - if i don't read the email, it's irrelevent whether it needs a speedy response or not. I'm busy so focus on what I'm doing, and will get round to each "task" eventually. I haven't thought about it for a couple of days so it works for me in that sense. Whereas after I've sent a response I spend all my time waiting for an answer...! Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 See, I'm the opposite - if i don't read the email, it's irrelevent whether it needs a speedy response or not. I'm busy so focus on what I'm doing, and will get round to each "task" eventually. I haven't thought about it for a couple of days so it works for me in that sense. Whereas after I've sent a response I spend all my time waiting for an answer...! I wonder how the ex perceives your delayed responses though. Do you think they might be perceived as reticent, hesitant, or not particularly interested? Link to comment
ToodlePip Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Maybe all three. But they broke up with me. Does it matter what they think? She can call. She can text. She can walk 10 doors down and knock on my door. All she's doing is emailing me chitchat every few days. Or am I missing something? Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Maybe all three. But they broke up with me. Does it matter what they think? She can call. She can text. She can walk 10 doors down and knock on my door. All she's doing is emailing me chitchat every few days. Or am I missing something? It only matters what she thinks if you want her back. An early light-hearted chit-chatty response would probably get you further than a late too smooth response. While it's good to weigh your words, it looks guilt or pity driven when you put too much effort into it. She probably has no idea that you haven't even read her message until right before you reply, what would you think if the situation were reversed? Link to comment
ToodlePip Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Fair point... I guess I'm just following the advice of leaving it a few days. This all stems from me sending her a text weeks ago (breaking NC but it was chitchatty) and her responding two days later, but probably only because she saw me at the station, avoided me and probably felt worried I'd ask her why she hadn't replied. Then 2 weeks of NC without hearing (I didn't reply to the text), then an email from her asking how things were, me replying 3 days later, her sending this email 3 working days later (5 with the weekend). PS: she does know my department is going through a restructure so knows I've got other things on my plate, if that has any bearing. Link to comment
ToodlePip Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Well, I just looked at it and it means nothing: "Hi, Sorry to hear that xxxx! Hope you can hang on in there... I'm thinking about you over there anyway. They've made a couple of redundancies in our sales team but so far nothing on the editorial side. We're just waiting to hear. x" Not really worth a response no? Apart from reciprocating. Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Fair point... I guess I'm just following the advice of leaving it a few days. This all stems from me sending her a text weeks ago (breaking NC but it was chitchatty) and her responding two days later, but probably only because she saw me at the station, avoided me and probably felt worried I'd ask her why she hadn't replied. Then 2 weeks of NC without hearing (I didn't reply to the text), then an email from her asking how things were, me replying 3 days later, her sending this email 3 working days later (5 with the weekend). PS: she does know my department is going through a restructure so knows I've got other things on my plate, if that has any bearing. My perspective suggests that if you are busy then you send a short email saying, "I'm doing great and I hope you are too. I'm really busy and will get back to you in a few days." You don't even have to read her email first to send that. Link to comment
ToodlePip Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 My perspective suggests that if you are busy then you send a short email saying, "I'm doing great and I hope you are too. I'm really busy and will get back to you in a few days." You don't even have to read her email first to send that. Fair enough, but I'm not getting that courtesy extended to me, so why bother! Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Fair enough, but I'm not getting that courtesy extended to me, so why bother! I am no relationship expert, but I do know this, if neither party escalates the consideration than there is no possibility for reconciliation. If you only want her back on your terms (which currently sounds like only if she does a, b, and/or c) then you are doing fine. If you ever feel like cutting her some slack then you might want to consider going the extra step first. Link to comment
ToodlePip Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 I see your point, but she broke up with me saying she didn't love or fancy me anymore. She has said or shown nothing since to suggest her feelings have changed. The only thing I can see her is escalating things to what looks liek a weekly email (or could be more I suppose if I responded quicker) Ok, I'm getting what your pointing out now. Still, can you see her giving me any positive indication? As far as I can see, at most she cares (or wants me to think she does) and is curious. Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 I see your point, but she broke up with me saying she didn't love or fancy me anymore. She has said or shown nothing since to suggest her feelings have changed. The only thing I can see her is escalating things to what looks liek a weekly email (or could be more I suppose if I responded quicker) Ok, I'm getting what your pointing out now. Still, can you see her giving me any positive indication? As far as I can see, at most she cares (or wants me to think she does) and is curious. I take it you'd like something a little more personal than a weekly email? Do you expect her to jump straight into taking a chance like that? I suppose it depends on the previous relationship dynamic, but usually the dumper has a good reason even if they have trouble communicating it. I am confused as to why you'd question whether she cares or not. Do you really think she might not care? What would lead you to believe this? Link to comment
longdist Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Day 16 Feeling decent. Has anyone had an ex not try to contact them at all after a breakup? My ex broke up, wanting to take a break, to see if she loved me after 4-1/2 years. It was on good terms (I later changed that). Anyhow, we started out LC (once every 2 weeks maybe), w/ me always making contact, so then I gave up after I realized this. I guess I just would like her to express some kind of emotion over the breakup. Maybe she has, without me knowing. Has anyone had something similar happen? It seems like everyone has exes that try to be friends. I tried to be friends and my ex told me that she didn't think we could after all of our relationship history. Link to comment
ToodlePip Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 I take it you'd like something a little more personal than a weekly email? Do you expect her to jump straight into taking a chance like that? I suppose it depends on the previous relationship dynamic, but usually the dumper has a good reason even if they have trouble communicating it. I am confused as to why you'd question whether she cares or not. Do you really think she might not care? What would lead you to believe this? Well, to be honest she might very well be "giving me my space" to get over the break up. And I haven't initiated any contact or suggested meeting up since the breakup. SO if anything she is just following the dynamic I have set. The previous relationship dynamic... TBH this is how we started out - met on match.com, weekly emails, then she was the one to push things forward. By the end, I was the one always responding quickly etc, her not so much. We lived together btw. The last few months I was depressed and gave her the impression I wasn't that into her, our sex life vanished, she probably eventually couldn't hack it and her feelings left. Plus I'm struggling with the conflicting advice! TBH, I don;t really know what I'm doing here. I've read everything I could about NC, LC etc, and seeing where it takes me. I do know we were very good together, but that something went wrong. I'm in therapy and don't suffer from depression anymore. Beyond that, she might be seeing someone else, she was very keen to stay friends, and that's all I have to go on. Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Agreed. I don't understand the conflicting advice. I mean it is all good, but I guess we have to really use our best judgment for the situation at hand. Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 I don't mean to confuse you at all. It does seem that if your relationship died of neglect than fixing it would indicate doing the opposite. Link to comment
ToodlePip Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Just gonna reply with "it's ok - i have a plan. Have you heard?" It'll be the first tiem I ask a question. I dunno if it's a good idea. I don't even know whether she's seeing anyone. I don't know why she's contacting me really. But it's what I want to do. Although havign had a few drinks at lunch I'm a bit drunk so dyunno if it's a good idea. Link to comment
philove Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Go with your instincts but drunken instincts are not always the most accurate! Link to comment
ToodlePip Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Gonna go to this meeting 3-4 and reassess. Link to comment
_ash_ Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Day 16 Feeling decent. Has anyone had an ex not try to contact them at all after a breakup? My ex broke up, wanting to take a break, to see if she loved me after 4-1/2 years. It was on good terms (I later changed that). Anyhow, we started out LC (once every 2 weeks maybe), w/ me always making contact, so then I gave up after I realized this. I guess I just would like her to express some kind of emotion over the breakup. Maybe she has, without me knowing. Has anyone had something similar happen? It seems like everyone has exes that try to be friends. I tried to be friends and my ex told me that she didn't think we could after all of our relationship history. ym ex didnt contact me at all after he broke up with me, until i wrote to him. i had to initiate everything. when we broke up he didnt even give me the "i still want to be your friend" speech. although after we talked it through he said he wanted to be my friend. I later told him that at this point i loved him to much to be his friend. Link to comment
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