THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[jordan1234]

well im going to start trying this. it has actually been abou 37 days for me of no contact. We have broken up before and she has always come back. Now i have gotten nothing. I kind of just expected her to come back to me so i didn't do anything to get her back after the break up conversation. I'm starting to get weak though. I don't think shes with anybody, and we have had a very amicable end. I have a few clothing items at her house and im thinking about texting her casualy to get them since its been 5 almost 6 weeks. thoughts?

[macgyver4ever]

Day 14

 

2 WEEKS!! I feel great. I am seeing someone who I am really starting to like. I am trying to take it as slow as possible, but we really enjoy spending time together and talking. We spoke on the phone last night for about an hour and a half, and it was great. She is so smart and I can talk to her about things I never could with my ex. It's great. It's opening a whole new world to me.

 

I almost feel ready to call my ex and get some closure and cancel her cell phone. She was right, I needed to meet other girls, because they have more to offer than she did.

 

Today I feel: Happy, Confident, Disappointed, and Apprehensive.

[Parsley]

Aw shoes! *hug* She seems intent on causing you as much pain as she can. From every post I've read about her, she has come accross as someone I'd want to distance myself as much as humanely possible from. My words can't do much, because if I've learnt nothing else from all this, it's that realisations like that have to come from yourself in order to have any effect. But we're always here! You can pm me anytime, and I'm fairly certain my email link works if you need it. *hug*

 

That goes for the rest of you too!!

 

Pisces - I am good. Discovered just before leaving work that I forgot to take my pill last night. Owee. As far as the ex is concerned, I don't get much chance to think about him now. I still do. Now that I think of it I actually dreamt about him last night. One of those dreams that I would have loved having when we were still together, but now just annoys me. It wasn't of anything in particular...it was pretty much just a dream of everything we did when we saw each other...watch dvds, play scrabble...other stuff.

 

Bleh.

[LBP]

Had a really low day yesterday, stemming from when I went to her facebook and saw a bunch of pictures of her having fun... Never doing that again. Starting the challenge over! Everytime I see anything about this girl it just makes me miserable. The less I see, the better for me. The good days come and go but they are NEVER here when I see her face.

 

Day one of the NC challenge... Day 35 or so since last attempt at contact...

[Semid]

day 4 and upset

[boston23]

Hi everyone...

 

macgyver: yay! It's nice to see that list with happy and confident in there!

 

Parsley: I hate ex dreams. We work on keeping them out of our head during the day and then they have the audacity to creep back in at night. Ugh.

 

LBP: Yeah, checking facebook/myspace/etc is always painful...it's like deciding that you want pain, and still going for it. Ouch. I have the image of my ex and his new girlfriend seared onto my brain b/c i decided to look at his myspace page... 2 weeks after we broke up. I say erase her from facebook or at least never go to the site, take the temptation away.

 

My days been pretty good. I got some school work done this morning, went out to lunch with my mom (which never happens!) and then class actually wasn't horrible. Annnnddd I spoke to 2 of my professors about switching the exam dates so now I won't have 4 exams (3 in class, 1 take home due) in 2 days. Yay!!

 

As for the ex: I feel like I'm in a circle of reasoning. So I don't want him to contact me again, but I kind of do (ugh, of course), and so I'm annoyed at myself for wanting him to contact me...and then annoyed at myself for being annoyed at myself (since I'm working on trying to be easier on myself, lol). I think maybe I'm hoping for a chance to get closure, or at least to tell him what I think of him (spineless ****). With time, I had realized that I wasn't going to get any real closure on the situation, so I learned to be fine with that. Now that he's contacted me, the hope of closure has resurrected and haunts me again. I don't even know what "closure" is. Hmmm, maybe I should write him one of those letters that I'll never send, I haven't written one of those in a long time.

 

haha, I was in such a good mood when I started this post and now I'm just...ugh. Anyone have any advice or thoughts for me about this whole thing?

[houdini]

Day 9 of NC and uncontrollably shaken by the pain in my heart and the urge to call,write or text message her asking her why!!!!!! Today is one of the difficult days and I'm trying to be strong but it's just to much to handle right now.... Thoughts of her with someone else, the clues, the signs, the idea of her loving another is gut wrenching to say the least... how can someone we loved so much turn their back on us so easily....is the grass greener on the other side??????

 

I dont know if there is someone else but my gut tells me differrently..and I hope that I'm wrong and that my gut feeling is more out of fear. Why she hasn't called, I don't know? Does she think about me??? Does she miss me??? she hasnt called in over 9 days so I guess that's my answer right???

 

Day 9 of NC......feels like Year 9 of NC.....

[mariab.]

day 21-this week has been kinda rough- I guess realizing maybe we wont ever get back together (and after our last conversation why would I?). I hear stop thinking about the ex but its so hard not to. I've lost alot of weight and my doctor says anymore and I go to hospital, but its hard to eat. I used to exercise like crazy but now all I do is lie in bed, go to work, and started smoking fags again. Sigh..I was doing so well last week, what happened?

[rsxguy520]

day 52..the usual, gym, car, * * * * * on various forums. pretty much it.

[GuiltyMike]

This is day 4 of NC for me. I'm really mentally and physically exhausted.

 

Is NC for me. I see her every day. I felt like I could move on better by exchanging a hello, and smiling and feeling confident. NC has become both of us mutually shunning each other and it's very, very painful for me. =(

 

I cannot stressed I see her every day -- she doesn't make eye contact with me. She got mad at me for not responding to her and did the same to me.

 

*sigh*

 

I feel like sending her a message, but I'm fairly certain I can't contact her online or from the phone. I don't know if I could bare being rejected for being friendly again.

 

-michael

[Shaker]

Deborita,

 

What's going on? Explain a little more if you're up to it. It might help to write it out even if you don't want feedback or advice.

 

Shoes,

 

I'm tickled that you're hanging in, and would like to see you return to bliss and contentment. How can we do this? (I'm with Parsley on this one: the only favorable thing you've said about your ex is how much you care about her...which is probably saying more about your capacity to love than your ex anyhow!)

 

Boston,

 

I do have some advice on closure. Ready for it? I'll write in my SuperDaveyist voice: Only you can give yourself closure. It's not something you can reach with your ex, or a place you can arrive at with your ex. It comes only from you letting yourself move on.

 

Now, back to regular programming. Here's my take: I get what it feels like to be torn. On the one hand, closure can never, ever come because a break-up is a kind of wound that will never heal. There's something 'cut short' about breakups that doesn't allow us to organically process the love we share (or think we share) with our partners. [sorry if this is bleak]. Break-ups are abrupt. Usually. And we resist them. Usually. Resisting hurt is sensible, and closure means letting yourself accept the hurt: but only to an extent. You can't eradicate yourself. You can't talk yourself out of the faith and love you felt, because then what's left? BUT [here's the silver lining] on the other hand, closure can simply mean giving yourself permission to close the door on your ex. Giving yourself permission to understand there really is nothing left to say. Giving yourself permission to come to terms with the fact that you are now your own best, most-willing audience to any speeches you'd give your ex. You're flying solo. It's sort of like a bonsai tree, or something plant-like! The bit of your sense of things has sort of been chopped away, but your energy, concern, growth can move in all kinds of new directions. The 'plant' is the same (still you), the relationship's been trimmed off (ouch!), and now there's a whole bunch of lifeforce to create new growth. Branch out, Boston!

 

Update on me today: Things are good. I haven't written back to my ex. I've been very busy, and happily busy with other things. New romance is a little on the backburner this week, but I'm hoping to get a dose of romance on the weekend. It's funny, but the new romance awakened me to how much I was simply tolerating or putting up with in my former lt relationship. I'm so inflexible right now and defensive of my needs (after years of being ramrodded), and my new guy and I happen to have a lot in common so it's easy. Plus, and this part you'll probably roll your eyes at, I've never been this content. Everything has been really surprisingly easy, fun, carefree--and also really intense. So, yes, there is life and love after a break-up (and I would have argued with myself on this a couple of months ago).

 

Hugs to all.

[ahhh2jz]

Day 54 NC - nothing much to report; just hanging in there still. Recovering: yes. Miss her still: yes. Have I fully let go yet? on it

[GuiltyMike]

Hi, some advice would be helpful to me thanks!

 

I did NC with my ex shortly after she snapped at me twice (for no reason). I decided to do NC right then and there, and she got visibly upset then angry that I was avoiding and shunning her. In response, she shunned me too.

 

Four days later, I feel bad about the way it came off. I regret how it occurred, even though she was a jerk. I see her often so I'm reminded of it alot.

 

What do you think I should do?

 

-michael

[Rosie007]

Day 14

 

Feeling kind of detached about Rex. He's still in my thoughts, but it doesn't seem to be hitting me so hard for the last two days. Perhaps that's because I've been so busy trying to catch up at work, and then I'm kind of zonked and exhausted by the time I get home, walk the dog, and eat.

 

 

GuiltyMike: Sounds like you're in a bit of a tricky situation because you have to see your ex often, but I don't think you should be hard on yourself because you ignored her communication. That's the whole point of NC the way I see it: not getting sucked back in. If I were to start the text message / phone / instant message merry-go-round ... or would that be roller coaster? ... it's unlikely I would be able to avoid getting sucked back in.

 

In fact, I almost did get sucked back in the very next day after the guy I was seeing IM'd me to say he was planning to sleep with another.

 

Right before I went to bed, the evening I received this mind-numbing IM, I wrote him an e-mail saying "Don't contact me again ... ever!" and I described all the situations I meant not to contact me specifically. I had deleted his phone numbers and voicemail from my cell.

 

The next morning, at about 10:30 a.m., I get a call and I don't recognize the number. Without thinking, I answer. Sure enough, it's him. I was absolutely shocked and speechless. Never in a thousand years would I have thought it would be him. He says he'd read my e-mail, which also talked about the ways he'd hurt me, and I'd hurt myself by spending so much time in a bad situation, and said he was willing to meet me face-to-face for the "Closure" meeting I'd requested so frantically the day before (Hey Boston: If you're reading this, I'm thinking Shaker is 100 percent right: the ex doesn't give us closure; we do).

 

So after his call I'm major upset again, just the way I was the day before, whereas I'd been relatively peaceful (or brain dead) prior to his call. After thinking about it for an hour and a half, I think, well, I guess I should meet him, especially after the HUGE fuss I'd made the night before demanding he meet me face to face for a Closure talk. I went to an 12-step meeting at lunch that day, and during the meeting I started to think, what's going to get accomplished? He's not going to change his mind. I'm only going to get all upset again. I couldn't imagine I'd feel any better. I figured I'd only make a fool of myself, and I've never / ever been someone to beg for something.

 

I planned to e-mail to say I'd changed my mind, but when I got back to my office, there was an e-mail from him ... stating he was no longer available that night, contrary to what he'd originally said on the phone, but that he would make himself available by missing a special class the following night(trying to give me feel guilty, perhaps, about his huge sacrifice to meet with me). So I e-mailed to say, I didn't want him to miss class, we could do it another time, and he writes back to say he had an hour before class when he could meet me. I responded vaguely that I'd think about it, but I knew I didn't want to have the thought of meeting him on my mind for several hours, let alone days.

 

I haven't contacted him since, and I'm sooooo glad now. I want him with every fiber of my body, or at least I did at that point, and it's quite possible I might have caved and done something that would have made me lose all respect for myself: continued to see him / sleep with him, when he'd started sleeping with someone else -- everyone should have a harem! -- and probably started some campaign to make him want me more than her. I can only imagine the damage that would have done to my psyche if I'd sunk to that low.

 

So, I'd say, who cares if she feels a little badly -- if you don't respond to her communcation. I reread your posts and it seems the few times you did talk to her after she broke your heart, she lashed out a you.

 

 

What's interesting though, as I write all of this, but I keep forgetting that he didn't actually break up with me. He was quite willing to continue seeing me / sleeping with me, while being with this new woman. The fact of the matter is, I broke up with him. Four out of the five times we broke up (possibly three; the one time is a little hazy, I was in such shock before New Year's Eve). It's interesting that I keep forgetting this little piece of information.

 

Pisces, Shaker, Parsley, LightLight, and Boston ... Thank you sooo much for your loving words of encouragement to me yesterday. I can't begin to describe how much you helped me and lifted my spirits.

 

To everyone else, Honeyspur, Macgyver, comfyshoes ... newcomers and trailblazers (I'd list you all but I have to go to sleep) ... thanks for sharing your honesty with me, and everyone. It's such an amazing thing.

 

Thanks again to you, too, SuperDave, for starting this challenge. You've changed my life -- along with all the amazing folks on here.

 

I was falling alseep on the couch an hour ago, and I considered going to bed without checking in, but then I saw Mike's post, and that got me writing.

 

Goodnight to all ... with hugs all around ...

 

-Rosie

[Shaker]

Rosie:

 

"Everyone should have a harem": Dare to dream! Glad to hear you didn't put yourself through that one. [speaking of which, once in a while, I have a dream where I'm diving in a pool complete with the US Nat. Men's diving team! ]

 

Mike:

 

Hard to say. I hope any future run-ins with my ex will be professional. Cordial. Acknowledge him. Maybe wave, but keep on movin'! Make busy. My general rule of thumb in life is to be polite...but that's different than nice! It's nice wearing a business suit....

 

I think you should let it rest. It sounds like you still feel you're in the right ("she was a jerk"), so apologizing isn't necessary.

[vimora]

GAH!! I broke NC!! Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Well he initiated it but we've talked maybe three times now.

Grr, now I'm back to NC day 1.

I need a discipline pill.

[kate111]

So what happens when they contact you via email and write stuff about the relationship? What do you do? Do you reply?

 

He wants to be friends in time?

 

Do I reply? To tell you the trut I don't really want to as I KNOW contact sets me back.

 

But it may be rude or perhaps I will come accross as angry.

 

Opinions?

[kate111]

Starting to think I should not respond.

 

I'm afraid this will make me look hurt or angry though. I am rather fond of the silent treatment when it comes to people and he knows it.

 

Will I look more pathetic if I don't respond to his message?

[Rosie007]

Hi Kate,

 

I'd say don't reply. No contact means no contact. I found a nice thorough thread from SuperDave the other day where he describes what he means by NC.

 

I also found the following Break-up Rules on a website called iVillage. I find the rules are also very helpful for me to understand the kind of things that would be helpful for me to avoid:

 

• I will not call him. No matter what good or bad news I think he should hear only from me, I will not call him. Even if I am convinced it will make me feel better, I will not call him. I will not call him even to get my stuff. I'll have a friend do that, preferably via email.
  
• I will not email him. Not even an innocent and rather funny group email forward. I will not email him simply to give him back his stuff. I will not contact him at all.
  
• I will not frequent the places I know he goes to, even if I went there first and like it better. I acknowledge that this is not a pissing contest about territory. I know going to such places will hurt more than it will help. Until there has been some space and time between us, going to those places is asinine, can be viewed as stalker-ish and will be painful only to me.
  
• I will not encourage or allow friends to do anything foolhardy, even with my best interest at heart. That includes talking to him when they see him in public to let him know he is a jerk and he'll never do better than me, or to share that I am looking fabulous, got a promotion, bought a new house and am dating George Clooney (or the regional equivalent thereof).
  
• I will screen all of my calls. I will get caller ID, if necessary, and put "private call block" on my phone. I will not answer the phone unless I know who it is and am sure it's not him. All other calls will go to voicemail.
  
• I will not take his phone calls. I repeat, I will not take his calls.
  
• I will not return his phone calls or emails. If he is "just checking" to see how I am, I know he is really just checking to see if I think he's a jerk. He is looking for an ego stroke, not to get back together, and I know this because he did not start out the communication with, "I am sorry. I made a mistake. I want us to get back together."
  
• I will not look for signs that we will get back together. This includes asking the Magic-8 Ball or tarot card readers and the like. The only professional guidance I will seek will be that of a licensed therapist or member of the clergy.
  
• I will not believe this is temporary. I will see this as permanent until proven otherwise by concrete actions, immense apologies and couple's therapy.
  
• I will not hide under a rock, be humiliated or ashamed that this relationship ended. For all I know, this could be the best thing that ever happened to me. And I believe the wonderful stuff I deserve is on its way.
  
• I promise to abide by these vows for at least thirty (30) days, or until I have gotten over him, whichever
  
• is longer. This is about me feeling better and that has nothing to do with him.
  

 

 

And so ... my advice to you would be: dont' take the bait.

 

Not to be insensitive, but who cares if it comes accross as rude or angry? Was it polite or friendly when he broke up with you? You wrote just two days ago:

 

[My ex] dumped me at a very bad time and has left me with a bit of a financial burden (I need to find a new place to live, pay rent, find new job) which he seems to be happy to leave me in.

 

And now you're worried about his feelings?

 

I suspect your concern only reflects your loving nature, which is quite sweet and beautiful; however, this man doesn't seem entitled to loving behavior from you at this time.

 

You've also mentioned a couple of times that he's very interested in staying friends with you. Are you ready to hear your "friend" tell you all about a new relationship he might enter? Would a friend leave you the type of financial burden you describe?

 

 

The good news is: You've got a whole gang of friends here at ENA. People who have nothing to gain from helping you -- except the joy from watching you blossom as you heal from this situation -- and perhaps the help you turn around and give others.

 

All best,

 

-Rosie

[kate111]

Oh Rosie. You put such a lot of thought and helpful advice into that post. Thank you very much.

 

You are right, I shall not contact apart from what is necessary (unfortunately there is some necessary contact).

 

Oh and NO I do not want to be his friend. No way! All the way or nothing for me.

[Pisces_Princess]

Day 27....

 

Wow Rosie, love the list!

 

Kate, do NOT respond however tempting. I have made that mistake and ended up a crying pathetic shell of a woman.

 

Hi Parsley, so you are starting to find those dreams about your ex annoying? Sounds to me like you are on the right track!

 

Shaker, great to hear your news. I always love reading your posts.

 

Honeyspur, How are you?

 

 

As for me. Well, after my rather egotistical post yesterday I am still doing good. I think it's all the headstands that I do in my yoga class! Yesterday was a real break-through moment. In relationships I seem to idolise the other person and always have my rose-tinited glasses on. It's just that when I saw this photograph it was like seeing him as an outsider and realising that the things that made him so special are what I projected on to him. Don't get me wrong I still love him, and he is very attractive (to me) but he's just a man. I feel like I did when we first started dating, I thought he was nice but I wasn't blown away. The way I pictured him in the darker moments of our break-up was as this amazingly handsome guy with thousands of younger women forming a disorderly line by his front door...now I realise that this is simply nonsense. I had built him up in my own mind, because now I can't have him he's suddenly this unattainable prize.

 

As for today, I can hardly believe it's day 27...Me. On day 27. Undisciplined, out of control me! If I can do it ANYBODY can...

 

Woke up this morning and I didn't even think about him...I feel free xxx

[kate111]

Thanks Pisces.

 

Do you really think we build them up in our minds as so attractive and having people throw themselves at them when it isn't true? Do you start to see their faults and fall out of love with them in time?

[kate111]

It's just so sad. How can people throw away years of history?

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi Kate,

 

Not sure that we ever throw away years of history. We just store them in a box at the back of our minds.

 

I am not sure if it's about seeing their faults, but I think it is about wanting something that's out of reach. It's like a designer handbag. It's made the same and looks the same as any high-street bag, but, it's expensive and thereforeeee for most people unobtainable...subsequently the desire for the unobtainable increases and makes it seem more special than it is.

 

When you lived with your ex did you look at him everyday and think 'you are wonderful, marvellous, handsome etc?' I know I didn't. He was there, he was mine and I never really gave it a second thought. Now he's not mine, it's like he's suddenly turned in to Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt and George Clooney all in one neat package.

 

I don't think looking at their faults helps anymore than looking at their good qualities. I think it's about being realistic.

 

This is how I feel, it may not work for everybody.

 

In a way though, isn't that part of the allure of no contact. By not being availiable we are making ourselves unobtainable and maybe (just maybe) more special xxx

[kate111]

I did look at my ex everyday and think he was special. Truly I did. I'm a romantic sucker. It's actually only now that I can appreciate some of the things about him that never bothered me when we were going out but I can see are a bit incompatible.