Mom's control/influence over my dating decisions.

[Luke Skywalker]

say that you hit it off with this woman (or any other woman) and you get married to her. is she going to come live with you and your parents? Or are you just going to marry rich?

 

Fine, I'm not available for relationship due to my set-up, but I never said I'm dating for relationship, I'm dating to connect with someone.

[annie24]

I would highly recommend that you get yourself to a place where you are on your own two feet and not dependent financially on anyone else, mother, father, wife, etc......

 

The thing is... you are 30, and you are heading into an age catagory where you are "expected to have your poop together." Some women may be hesitant to even casusally date you. I think if you want to put the odds in your favor of connecting, you have to "connect" with yourself first. get the funds, get a stable source of income, get your own place. If you want to meet an emotionally and financially healthy woman, you have to be an emotionally and financially healthy man first.

 

Single women your age (late 20s/early 30s) tend to be less looking to "date for fun" and more looking to date with a possibility of it leading to a serious relationship. Maybe that is why you are interested in the 18 year old? (however she has a child, which automatically puts her in the 'looking for something more' category - or hopefully so if she is a good mom!)

[Luke Skywalker]

I would highly recommend that you get yourself to a place where you are on your own two feet and not dependent financially on anyone else, mother, father, wife, etc......

 

Nobody needs to recommend what I already know and have always known.

It's a question of merely succeeding in my business and making money.

 

The thing is... you are 30, and you are heading into an age catagory where you are "expected to have your poop together." Some women may be hesitant to even casusally date you. I think if you want to put the odds in your favor of connecting, you have to "connect" with yourself first. get the funds, get a stable source of income, get your own place. If you want to meet an emotionally and financially healthy woman, you have to be an emotionally and financially healthy man first.

 

Well, I have ways of not disclosing where I'm living or who I'm living with. Here is fine due to the anynominity - but I dont tend throw red flags at people to give them reasons to run for the hills.

 

This is something that I would do if I want to get rid of someone or dump them, then I am honest about my living situation. Like the guy did in the movie "Failure to Launch". The most painless way to dump a woman is to disclose that you live with your parents. This is natural back-up plan if a relationship doesn't work out, if it does, and we are truly compatable, then the girl would understand this set-up anyway.

 

Single women your age (late 20s/early 30s) tend to be less looking to "date for fun" and more looking to date with a possibility of it leading to a serious relationship. Maybe that is why you are interested in the 18 year old? (however she has a child, which automatically puts her in the 'looking for something more' category - or hopefully so if she is a good mom!)

 

So what about people in late 30's, or early 20's? Anyway, going to the point, I feel like 'the man' when I'm with an 18 y/o or yonger girl. You have to feel like a man if any type of interaction is going to go beyond another friendzone crash.

[annie24]

I don't just mean that you should disclose where you live to women, or that you will have women if you don't disclose it... on a more general level, I've heard good advice to "become the person you want to attract." For example, if a woman wants to attract an atheletic man, she should get involved in atheltics herself, going to games, playing in sports, etc.... if a woman wants to marry a rich man, how will she meet him if she is flying in coach? if she wants a rich man, she needs to become rich herself and travel in those social circles..... If a man wants to meet a woman with a social conscience, he should become involved in charities and volunteer work himself.

 

I do believe in the advice of "Become the person you want to attract."

 

I didnt see your response to me when I asked you a few pages ago, I don't think you responded. but.... what do you want from a woman? what are the 5-10 most important characteristics you want from your ideal partner and are these characterisitics you have yourself?

[Batya33]

What decision to live at home? Are you saying I have a choice?

Unless you have money to pay rent and bills there is no choice.

 

You are choosing not to have the kind of job where you can afford to pay the rent. When I was 24, I chose to apply to graduate school for a program that would give me a much better chance at financial independence, so that I could be on my own. I am not advising graduate school specifically but pointing out that to a large extent this is your choice - if you are able to work then you should be able at your age to figure out a way to make enough money to rent a room somewhere even with roommates and pay for your basic needs.

[quietgrl]

This is just the point of why I am going to have problems dating people in my own age category. Most people around my age are already seasoned and set in their ways, heck, that includes people who are a few years younger than I am.

 

Thus, the solution is to simply date a yonger girl. But, a yonger girl need not imply that she is a user or depserate person to go with an older guy, again, that just may be preferance. As a guy I have to feel like I'm the man, and in charge, at least to some degree, or it's going to be another dreaded 'friendzone' interaction.

 

 

Luke,

 

Why are you taking the easy way out by dating underage girls?Are you trying not to grow up because what you're saying about women over 21 are ALL excuses.You're dating underage girls so these women won't question why you don't have your own place, and have money saved.Ouch!!

Luke you're a picky man when it comes to women.I've seen you talk about a woman looks and weight but dating an 18 year old is ok.Luke stop being afraid of your lack of dating experiences and meet women who are going to challenge you as a true man.

[Batya33]

Fine, I'm not available for relationship due to my set-up, but I never said I'm dating for relationship, I'm dating to connect with someone.

 

I have nothing more to say because we are not on the same wavelength - and I cannot relate to your rationalizations, generalizations, and cynicism. You seem just interested in being disagreeable and coming up with reasons to keep the status quo - more power to you and good luck.

[Batya33]

Luke,

 

Why are you taking the easy way out by dating underage girls?Are you trying not to grow up because what you're saying about women over 21 are ALL excuses.You're dating underage girls so these women won't question why you don't have your own place, and have money saved.Ouch!!

Luke you're a picky man when it comes to women.I've seen you talk about a woman looks and weight but dating an 18 year old is ok.Luke stop being afraid of your lack of dating experiences and meet women who are going to challenge you as a true man.

 

I think there's a difference between being picky because you genuinely want to find the right match and rejecting women in order to be able to claim to have tried dating so you can keep the status quo. Seems to me he is doing the latter.

[Luke Skywalker]

I think there's a difference between being picky because you genuinely want to find the right match and rejecting women in order to be able to claim to have tried dating so you can keep the status quo. Seems to me he is doing the latter.

 

Whose rejecting whom? You've just said women would reject me on my set-up, so technically, being honest at conveniant times (such as when you want to dump them) is not rejecting them at all.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Whose rejecting whom? You've just said women would reject me on my set-up, so technically, being honest at conveniant times (such as when you want to dump them) is not rejecting them at all.

How is that not just manipulating the system so you don't have to deal with a real confrontation?

[Luke Skywalker]

Luke,

 

Why are you taking the easy way out by dating underage girls?

Are you trying not to grow up because what you're saying about women over 21 are ALL excuses.

 

I guess there is going to be debate now on whether an adult is 18 y/o, or 21 y/o. My understanding that it is 18 y/o, and once you past that age, it is adult dating adults, and nobody is underaged.

 

You're dating underage girls so these women won't question why you don't have your own place, and have money saved.Ouch!!

 

They shouldn't care about it.

 

Luke you're a picky man when it comes to women.

 

How do you figure?

 

I've seen you talk about a woman looks and weight but dating an 18 year old is ok.Luke stop being afraid of your lack of dating experiences and meet women who are going to challenge you as a true man.

 

I'm due to meet a 22 y/o girl, who DOESN'T HAVE A CHILD, soon.

[annie24]

Quote:

Originally Posted by quietgirl

You're dating underage girls so these women won't question why you don't have your own place, and have money saved.Ouch!!

 

They shouldn't care about it.

 

What?!? When you are looking to meet a life partner, you are looking at how they live, how they spend money, would their monetary values be compatible with yours..... why wouldn't a woman consider whether or not you are stable and able to pay for you own bills and rent? If a man can't take care of himself, how can he take care of any children?

[CarnelianButterfly]

They shouldn't care about it.

If they are an adult, yes they should.

[shikashika]

If they are an adult, yes they should.

 

Completely agree with you Carnelian..

 

However... I do think we live in a very must-have-home-and-savings-as soon as possible society.

 

we tend to judge people on what they HAVE rather than how they are..

 

 

I would still rather have someone judge me or like me .. or dislike me based on my character... NOT what I own, or what I have.

 

For eg.. I met a guy recently who is 30... but was living in China for 3 years.. and then spent two years working in Brazil worked somewhere else then spent 6 months cycling through Europe.

 

now he is back here... and living with his parents for 6 months to save up a bit of money before he finds a place.

 

this guy.. I'm attracted to because of the things he's done... I know he has plans to move out of his parents place within the next 6 months.... and its quite clear he's indpendent

 

Last week a friend of mine tried to set me up with a guy from her boyfriend's work.

 

This guy has a house, good car, savings.. lived on his own since he was 17... but has spent his entire twenties saving and buying things... sure ... thats great.. but I know which guy I'd pick... 100% I go for guy #1

 

Guy #2 has done nothing but buy things... I know that when they were trying to set me up they told me "He's a great guy.. has a house, is buying more property as an investment... had a great job with benefits'

 

Although guy #2 seems more like an adult... for me.. guy #1 is waaaaaay more appealing to me ( even though he is back with the rents for a year to save up a bit)

 

i think its different if someone has NEVER left the nest.. but I wouldn't neccesarily cast someone off my list just because they live with their parents... I know lots of people who have had to move back for short periods of time.... if they weren't paying any rent to their parents... then I think thats an entirely different story..... I hope Luke is at least contributing to his family's living expenses.

 

Also, someone else said culture has a lot to do with it.. very true.. I know lots of people with a Southern European background who stay at home longer..

 

this could be another thread topic.. but is it really so bad to live with your family??... why is it so ingrained in us to move away from the people closest to us.. and that shows that we are more like

adults?

 

(I'm guilty of this too.. I don't even like having roommates! I LOVE living alone..)

 

but it seems more and more common now for people who have been away to come back and live with the family temporarily in their late twenties/ thirties

[Luke Skywalker]

I'm not contributing to living expenses here. It's stressful enough as it is paying for business expenses whether or not I end up making a deal at the end of the day and frankly, I'd be out of business if I had to pay for living expenses on top of business expenses. However, since I'm at my office more often, and more in control of 'time management' than before, I think there is potential.

 

Going back to the point. So, in this arrangements, I should respect the rules of this house and value my mom's opinion. I mean, it's better not to date or have sex with anyone rather than create friction in this house.

[Batya33]

For me living on one's own is a question of values. Unless it is an emergency situation or a temporary situation, I would have little in common - values-wise - with an adult age 30 who chose to live at home with his parents and did not value independence sufficiently to save enough $ or get a job where he would make enough $ to live on his own, particularly where the parents are so controlling.

 

In addition, if he could not afford to pay rent on his own place or even share a place, he likely would not make a good match for me long term as I am looking for a mate who is financially stable/independent as I am and I have worked very hard to be independent.

[Luke Skywalker]

I have worked very hard to be independent.

 

 

Sure, and so have I. Difference between you and me is luck not value.

 

 

[quietgrl]

I guess there is going to be debate now on whether an adult is 18 y/o, or 21 y/o. My understanding that it is 18 y/o, and once you past that age, it is adult dating adults, and nobody is underaged.

 

 

 

They shouldn't care about it.

 

 

 

How do you figure?

 

 

 

I'm due to meet a 22 y/o girl, who DOESN'T HAVE A CHILD, soon.

 

(screaming and dancing around the enotalone building) yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you're meeting a woman over 21

[Batya33]

Sure, and so have I. Difference between you and me is luck not value.

 

]

 

No, actually. You could choose, if you wanted to, to pursue a job where you could make more money and to change your saving and spending habits. "Luck" is not how I got where I am - it was through compromise, difficult choices and an investment of effort and years in my education toward a career that would permit me financial stability.

[shikashika]

For me living on one's own is a question of values. Unless it is an emergency situation or a temporary situation, I would have little in common - values-wise - with an adult age 30 who chose to live at home with his parents and did not value independence sufficiently to save enough $ or get a job where he would make enough $ to live on his own, particularly where the parents are so controlling.

 

In addition, if he could not afford to pay rent on his own place or even share a place, he likely would not make a good match for me long term as I am looking for a mate who is financially stable/independent as I am and I have worked very hard to be independent.

 

I agree.. independence is a virtue... but for eg.. the guy I mentioned in my previous post.. who just moved back with the rents temporarily... this guy is more independent and has more guts than most guys I know who might have their own houses... but are wimps when it comes to the big bad world!

 

I don't think whether you live on your own or not means you are- unindependent.. in some cases... yes... in some caes no...

 

Unfortunately, i think in Luke's case, he would benefit greatly from moving out.. but the guy (John), I just met... is way more independent than lots of guys I know (and waaaay more interesting) just because he is lviving with his parents temporarily

 

For 90% of caes Battya I agree with you.. I just think there are more than a few cases... where the person( like the guy I just met) and his living arrangements are not a true indicator of how independent he is

 

Then again this guy splits the mortgage three ways with his parents... as do most adult 'kids' who have moved back in temporarily... actually ALL.

 

I moved back with my parents for 3 months when i came back from traveling when I was 27... but I wouldn't have wanted some guy to think I was un-independent because of that!

[Batya33]

As I mentioned in my post I am not talking about temporary or emergency situations. I think living on one's own - away from one's parents - is a MAJOR factor in adult independence - it was for me, it was and is for everyone I know. Particularly where the parents are controlling, the choice to continue to live in that situation long term is very telling as is the claim that it is not his "choice" to do so - of course it is - if he truly wanted to live on his own he would have made decisions in the last 5 years plus that would have allowed him to rent a room somewhere away from his parents. That he is not making it his top priority now also is very telling.

[shikashika]

As I mentioned in my post I am not talking about temporary or emergency situations. I think living on one's own - away from one's parents - is a MAJOR factor in adult independence - it was for me, it was and is for everyone I know. Particularly where the parents are controlling, the choice to continue to live in that situation long term is very telling as is the claim that it is not his "choice" to do so - of course it is - if he truly wanted to live on his own he would have made decisions in the last 5 years plus that would have allowed him to rent a room somewhere away from his parents. That he is not making it his top priority now also is very telling.

 

agreed...

 

Luke... do you have any single siblings? WHat about living with them?

[quietgrl]

agreed...

 

Luke... do you have any single siblings? WHat about living with them?

 

wow!! what an interesting idea me,luke and ross getting an apartment together and becoming roommate but we're all broke.

[shikashika]

No, actually. You could choose, if you wanted to, to pursue a job where you could make more money and to change your saving and spending habits. "Luck" is not how I got where I am - it was through compromise, difficult choices and an investment of effort and years in my education toward a career that would permit me financial stability.

 

 

agreed.. yes Luke, you made a bad decision.. but instead.. why not focus on a job that will at least give you some guaranteed money, unlike Real Esate where it is all 100% commission..

 

even if the job does not pay that well.. at least its enough money to give your parents just a little amount like 200-300$ per month... and save up to move out with roommates?

[annie24]

I would also choose guy #1 over #2. The fact that he moved to China for a few years shows that he is MEGA independent. he definitely left his comfort zone and I bet he has a ton of interesting stories. The fact that he is living with his parents in this situation wouldn't deter me as long as he had a "plan" to move out. ie, save up money for x months and then get his own place.

 

I also had lots of friends move back in with their parents for a few months or years, usually while they were "in transit." ie, one friend wanted to relocate so she lived with her parents to save money while she was looking for new jobs.