Mom's control/influence over my dating decisions.

[Batya33]

If you're not making enough to afford to rent a room or share an apartment are there other jobs you could take on or different jobs?

[Luke Skywalker]

oohh Luke,

This is what i'm talking about little bro. This girl is too young.Who's the grown up between you two and where is the maturity here?There is no bondaries being set because you want sexual experiencs from a woman and she thinks you're an enigma.This woman needs guided not another enigma experiences .Her focus should be taking care of her child(child support from her baby daddy) and not from older men.She needs to focus on school or/and finding good job to support her and her child.What is she doing messing with men half her age and trying to give them an enigma experiences.(shaking my head in worry)

 

That's exactly what my mother thinks about the situation. It's like it's selfish on her end on account of the child, and selfish on my end on account of wanting to going ahead with the hopes of getting some 'experience' without regard to her own set-up.

 

In a proper case, I still dont see a problem, and if I was less busy with my life, lived on my own, and weren't dependend on my parents, then I would likely have proceeded on a few dates, but not enough to go ahead for a relationship.

[quietgrl]

Who are we to make that judgement? 18 is beyond the age of concent. Granted that is too young for my personal taste, but if the 2 people are happy, then why not? It's very similar to the attitude people took 40 years ago in regards to interracial relationships. Only the prejudice has changed. Think about it.

 

 

cpc28655,

 

I don't care about anybody else but my baby bro luke.I don't want him hurt but i have to sit back and let him sink or swim.I think that's why luke's mom is going crazy over this woman. cpc28655 Luke is going through an awakening so he's not going to hear good or bad advice right now.He finally has A woman giving him attention for once in his life and he doesn't care if this woman is good or bad for him,a teenager or a woman over 21.

cpc2865 in this case here.I don't see any maturity yet from this 18 year old teenager.I know where this is going if this woman doesn't show her maturity because luke is too busy actting like teenage boy then a 30 year old man.

[Luke Skywalker]

If you're not making enough to afford to rent a room or share an apartment are there other jobs you could take on or different jobs?

 

This has been the case since as far back as I can remember, and honestly, I'm somewhat confused. An agent at my office told me he started making more money when he moved out, since his back was against the wall, he was more motivated and simply was more effective to make more deals as the 'survival instinct' is higher when your back is against the wall.

 

Is this true? I dont know, but usually when I make 'break-through' deals, it happens when my bank account is drying up and the future is looking very bleak, then all of a sudden I get a freak client and a freak deal soon afterwards that sets things back in balance. It would seem the 'survival instinct' seems to be turned on when my account starts going low, but when I have enough money to feel comfortable (i.e. feel I'm surviving), or feel comfortable that there is time then I dont make any deals or prospects just seem to slip off me and go to other agents for no reason. I suppose this could be a reason of why there is always a cycle of little money, big money coming in, pleauteaus, account going dry again before another breakthrough occurs again in my experience.

 

So, I'm a bit confused with this. On one hand, it seems like I should save enough money to pay for rent, etc... for at least one year and have everything covered of every conceivable expense that could occur in a year's time, vs just saving up for a few months, and jumping into the water and see if I come up swimming or if I end up drowning.

[annie24]

I think something you may consider is getting a part time job in addition to this job that has a steady source of income. ie, you will be paid the same amount hourly, and do not have to rely on "freak" clients.

[Luke Skywalker]

One date, sure - maybe two - but beyond that it doesn't reflect what it's like to spend time with and get to know someone you have sincere interest in.

 

So, you are saying or possibly implying, that if I were to casually date someone, the 'point of no return' in terms of developing feelings or taking it too far is two dates, and anything over two dates, unless there is a mutual agreement for friendship, relationship or otherwise, is not a good idea?

[Batya33]

So, you are saying or possibly implying, that if I were to casually date someone, the 'point of no return' in terms of developing feelings or taking it too far is two dates, and anything over two dates, unless there is a mutual agreement for friendship, relationship or otherwise, is not a good idea?

 

Casual dating is fine - dating someone who you are dating just to have the experience of dating - with no interest in the person - makes no sense beyond one or two dates - if you read my post in context you will see that is what I meant.

[quietgrl]

That's exactly what my mother thinks about the situation. It's like it's selfish on her end on account of the child, and selfish on my end on account of wanting to going ahead with the hopes of getting some 'experience' without regard to her own set-up.

 

In a proper case, I still dont see a problem, and if I was less busy with my life, lived on my own, and weren't dependend on my parents, then I would likely have proceeded on a few dates, but not enough to go ahead for a relationship.

 

 

Luke,

 

Your post is breaking my heart because it show the sad part of being an adult virgin over 30.You're not willing to try hard to find the "right" woman over 21 but your willing to jump on any woman that show you any type of attention. The fact that you see nothing wrong with dating an 18 year old teenager instead of a woman over 21 show me you're willing to settle for anything just to get any experience.You're better then that and why aren't you demanding women over 21 repect you as a 30 year old virgin man.Is it more easy to get what you want from a teenager then a woman?

One reason why most older men date younger women is because they know they can get those "experiences" easier then a woman their own age.I wish you well and please take care of yourself.

[Luke Skywalker]

Luke,

 

Luke a man will realize this girl is too young,let her grown into a mature woman and he would find a woman over 21. You're a 30 year old man at the end of the day not a teenager boy.

 

So, what exactly is your point? Of course I know I'm a 30 y/o guy, and she likes older guys, big deal. My mom is a teacher and can say some 16 y/o schoolgirls have 30+ y/o boyfriends, etc.... big deal.

 

You can't turn back time.I wish i could go back in time and be 16 but i can't.I'm a virgin woman in my mid thirties with a dating experience of a 13 year girl.

 

Biologically it's different for a woman than it is for a man. A man can remain verile and sexual to a much older age, while a woman only has so much time to reproduce, so it's more natural to see older men with yonger women, however, I feel this topic belongs into an AGE GAP relationship section.

 

The point of issue on this thread is not an AGE GAP relationship, but whether or not my mom's control or influence over my dating decisions is legitimate, and does the fact she may actually may be right in this particular case legitimise her moral control or influence, or should I be allowed to let my naitivity get the better of me and potentially make mistakes as you say.

 

Or, maybe, as Bety33 says, the issue may even be deeper than that. I may have subconsciously rejected to go out with this 18 y/o girl and want to blame it on my mother since that's the easiest emotional and psychological route to take with conflicting values or data. If I want to do something, then I would have contacted her from my office or cell phone somewhere, made arrangements, and who cares what my parents would think about what I do.

 

Whatever the case is, there appears to be some frustration with regard that I'm unable to see her, whatever the reason is, or what's going on, and she's made it clear from her end that she'd like to see me, and invited me to just call and/or ask me out. I'm just confused at this point.

 

 

I can't act like a 13 year old on a date with a man.Luke you're using this woman because she might not set boundaries if you act like a 18 year old ( kissing,hugging, and maybe more sexual things).That's why this relationship could lead to trouble.

 

How am I using her if she doesn't set boundaries? The idea that there is no boundaries, or potentially so, has led to some of the most hard experiences masturbating on my bed during the night. I feel like a man everytime I masturbate and think about this that there is a CHANCE, that if I PURSUE her something COULD happen. You cant believe what a masturbation experience I get out of this. Is that also using her in your opinion - technically she cant be used since it's only my mind involved, and it's only hypothetical scenerios that wont materialise anyway. Thus masturbation is used as a safe-guard to prevent further problems.

 

How can you not care if she has a child.Luke there is a seriuos responibliity when you date a woman with a child.A child sometimes get's attach to men who date their mother and it's not good for a child to see their mother date differant men either.You can't exclude the kid or try to be this kid's father just to get close to the mom.(exhaling)

 

The child doesn't come on the dates.

 

Yes dating should be fun but this is a 18 year old single mom dating a 30 year old man.This woman thinks you're an engima and you don't care because you're so happy one teenager has showed you some attention.I can seriuos see why your parents are going crazy.

 

You can see why they are going crazy?

 

Ok i'm done. i love you little brother(kiss and big hug).I will alway worry about you and Ross and i will alway be on my brother's butt.

 

Then you better hope and pray your brother is busy selling more homes and making deals.

[Batya33]

That a woman can't bear children after a certain age has no relation to her ability and desire to have sex. Older men on the other hand are more likely to be impotent or unable to impregnate a woman.

[Luke Skywalker]

Based on Betya33's concept of casual dating, I've only meet this girl once, and I dont see the issue my parents or anyone is making, since it's less than the maximum two dates.

[annie24]

While I think your mother right in this one particular instance, in general, I would not go to her or ask for her permission when it comes to dating. it's time to be independent and make your own money, and decision.

 

I think that your mother's advice on this young woman was mostly motivated by a mother's protective instincts (ie, only the best for my son!) And I hate to say this, but a woman who is 18 years old, has a new baby and the father isn't part of the picture.... well, it sounds like she has a lot on her plate and needs to get her life on track. she just doesn't sound like the proper partner for you at this stage. I think she needs to get her life together.

 

but in general, definitely, work to be more independent, and keep your mother out of this stuff.

[Batya33]

Based on Betya33's concept of casual dating, I've only meet this girl once, and I dont see the issue my parents or anyone is making, since it's less than the maximum two dates.

 

There is no issue other than wasting your time and her time - and since she is a single mom that has even more impact. Also, you can safely assume she does not believe in birth control and with using only your kind of protection, you will be risking being a daddy - are you ready for that?

[Luke Skywalker]

There is no issue other than wasting your time and her time - and since she is a single mom that has even more impact. Also, you can safely assume she does not believe in birth control and with using only your kind of protection, you will be risking being a daddy - are you ready for that?

 

It's not a question of just wasting time, but it's a question of whether it's time well wasted. I mean, if you are having a good time, and are getting positive reinforcement where it counts the most, then what's the big deal? I've had rotten experiences with other people I've meet on the net and so far this girl is one of the best experiences.

 

Granted, there is no future in this relationship, but heck what's wrong with a nice experience? I'm not talking sexual - I'm referring to holding hands, cuddling, and stuff like that. If anything, such a relationship is theraputic and healthy.

 

There is no pressure or competition to think that any other guy wants her or is competing for her as they are all likely running from a set-up like that unless they are wanting sex on the first date or something like that and running, and so there are no worries or hangups about, "I wonder if she's into me or not or if she's playing with my head".

 

Of course I'm not ready to be a father, fortunately, you dont have to have penetrative sex to be sexually expressive.

 

My theory is that meeting her may be the product of subconscious thinking. I wanted a woman who could make me feel like a man, and where I wouldn't be worrying about whether I'm into her while she's putting on a facade, while at the same time, she's really into other guys while playing with my head and leading me on to save me as a back-up plan when she gets burned. I got disappointed by someone who did that and said I wanted a straight woman, and AND bingo I meet this 18 y/o girl - she seems to be filling some psychological fallout from another prior woman that I got rid of, or whatever, the hard way. Thus, this would be the logical continuation, or continuity of another bad experience with a girl prior to meeting her.

 

My dad was also concerned for me not to have a casual hookup with someone doing every guy and think this one is allot safer. Again, this seems like a continuity from an aborted casual hookup that occurred in November.

[Batya33]

Sure - if you are physically attracted to her, and she to you and you are not misleading her as far as your intentions, why not. What it might do though is reinforce for you that dating is all about getting what you want out of it instead of being with someone where you are inspired to give to the other person. you focused only on what she could bring to your life- what do you bring to hers?

[Luke Skywalker]

Sure - if you are physically attracted to her, and she to you and you are not misleading her as far as your intentions, why not.

 

I'm very physically attracted to her and I'm not misleading her at all as far as my intentions.

 

Why not? Everyone on here, quietgirl, annie24, and my parents have voiced their clear and strong opinions of why not. So you wouldn't see any problem with this arrangement then.

 

What it might do though is reinforce for you that dating is all about getting what you want out of it instead of being with someone where you are inspired to give to the other person. you focused only on what she could bring to your life- what do you bring to hers?

 

There is nothing that I can bring to her or anyone's life.

[Batya33]

If that is true - or if you believe that to be true, then there is no purpose in dating - you will get experience at dating - and develop social skills only if you truly believe you bring something to the table and have something to give. Otherwise it is completely one sided.

[shikashika]

Luke, i think the title of your post says it all... heck... I still talk to my mum about my relationships... but no way would she ever have any control or influence over who I dated..

 

Even if you have to get three part time jobs... get out of your mum's house... then you can concentrate on yourself and who you date!

[Luke Skywalker]

If that is true - or if you believe that to be true, then there is no purpose in dating - you will get experience at dating - and develop social skills only if you truly believe you bring something to the table and have something to give. Otherwise it is completely one sided.

 

I'm afraid you've lost me. The purpose of dating is to have fun, not negotiate a Real-Estate transaction.

[Luke Skywalker]

Luke, i think the title of your post says it all... heck... I still talk to my mum about my relationships... but no way would she ever have any control or influence over who I dated..

 

Even if you have to get three part time jobs... get out of your mum's house... then you can concentrate on yourself and who you date!

 

 

Oh believe me, I'm juggling clients, I'm putting up ads for more homes. My mom more than anything wants me to be a very successful agent and see me get established and on my way. She just doesn't want me to waste time on dead-end girls. A girl with a child is a dead-ender - you go on a few dates, but if you know you cant get into a relationship waste of time. Chasing a girl whose not into you - another dead-ender. My mom was right about that girl last year, and this year. I'm pursuing dead-end propsects for some short term selfish fix or experience? This is not going to make me a successful agent.

[Batya33]

I'm afraid you've lost me. The purpose of dating is to have fun, not negotiate a Real-Estate transaction.

 

I don't think dating can be fun where one person has the mindset that he has nothing to offer or to give of himself to the person he is on the date with. To me that can only be a real downer or completely boring. I wasn't talking about value as referred to in a business transaction - which I think you knew but just in case . ..

[Luke Skywalker]

I don't think dating can be fun where one person has the mindset that he has nothing to offer or to give of himself to the person he is on the date with. To me that can only be a real downer or completely boring. I wasn't talking about value as referred to in a business transaction - which I think you knew but just in case . ..

 

I dont understand your logic. You either have chemistry with someone or you dont.

[Aurian]

Well congratulations. In your first paragraph of your OP you managed to put down and insult a lot of good women by negatively judging them without knowing them. With your judgemental attitude, you ain't no catch yourself. Even for a woman who meets your specs I'd think you'd be to narrow minded and judgemental of others. What sane woman would want your mom for a mother in law?

 

If you flipped your criteria around and expected men to live up to your list, I actually do live up to most of it. Yet, I'm not a judgemental person like you are, and hell would freeze over before I let my mommy choose my dates.

 

You have no right to expect more fairness from women than what you give to women. i.e. - you will receive back what you send out.

 

=D>

 

As for dating sounding like fun... I dont get the impression that you are looking for fun with your holier-than-thou attitude...

[Luke Skywalker]

I dont think charlie or aurian has caught the drift of this thread.

 

The point of issue was an 18 y/o girl - people made cases about her age, or about her having a child, or with the set-up that I'm in - but ironically, most people have sided with my parents on this particular issue.

 

I thus think there is no further productive direction for this discussion and it has no direction other than to go into some sort of flame war.

[annie24]

It's not like parents are totally clueless. I mean, they have been in the world for a while, they have their own dating experiences, and I am sure that they have some positive advice. definitely when making major decisions, if you trust your parents, you may want to listen to their input. but it is something to be balanced. they are not objective at all! they have their own ideas and visions of what they want for your life, which may have little to do with what you want.

 

But i think the bottom line is that you need to make the majority of your dating decisions yourself, without input from your mom. these are things that you've got to figure out for yourself. I don't know, maybe this single mom is a great woman and maybe she would be a good match for you. If you are really intrigued by her, I guess there is nothing really wrong with taking her out to coffee or lunch.