a relationship w/o sex?

[TiredMan]

I agree with Tiredman. If one person feels like they aren't getting the most out of it, then obviously some problems will arise. It's not just about a love for sex, it's about understanding that though relationships are about compromise, there has to be an equal playing field where both players feel like they are receiving adequate attention.

 

Thank you.

 

I know there ARE guys out there who will wait as long as the woman wants (up to many years) but that doens't mean the other guys who don't aren't "good guys". There are women who will let me cheat on them all day and night without leaving too, does this mean they are any better than the one who would not?

 

I totally agree with the compromise statement. Anyone who reads what I write can probably (lol) tell I feel that it's all about compromise, equality, fairness, trust and communication when it comes to relationships. If one person doesn't want to have sex and the other person wants to, it shouldn't work. And if they guy just waits, it builds resentment, as it should. I guarantee you that if I went into a relationship and I wanted to have sex but didn't want to kuiss for about a year or two, how many women would settle for that lol?

[TiredMan]

Well, some people are more sex-oriented than others. Live and let live. If someone wants to respect the comfort level of the woman they care about, that is amazing. If someone else thinks that is stupid and sexual gratification is all that counts, well, that is their life and I guess they will choose women who are more appropriate for their sexual needs.

 

But if one person wants it and the other person does not, they should not be together. It's not amazing, IMO, to give up something like that. Would you want to be in a relationship where you and the guy do everything together but he wants you to respect the fact that he wants to kiss other women,.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Equating waiting to have sex with cheating on your partner is comparing apples to oranges. Cheating is morally wrong. Waiting to have sex is just respecting the fact that your partner is not quite ready yet.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Waiting to have sex is just respecting the fact that your partner is not quite ready yet.

 

That is true, however theres a difference between ready, and ready for that person. Often times someone just simply isn't "ready" for sex, and thus gives an indefinite time frame. For many, that uncertainty is too much. This is by no lack of moral standards of course, just simply that these people have desires that they want to meet. Then the other "ready" is when you feel comfortable enough with the person to have sex with them, waiting a small period of time for that, I can understand.

[TiredMan]

Equating waiting to have sex with cheating on your partner is comparing apples to oranges. Cheating is morally wrong. Waiting to have sex is just respecting the fact that your partner is not quite ready yet.

 

It was just to illustrate the point that if one person wants to do something and the other doesn't, it doesn't work. Even one person sacrifices what they want anyway, it DOES build resentment unless they have low self esteem. If they do, they are willing to take anything.

 

I believe he said he never has had it and he would like to.

[Batya33]

At my age I cannot imagine having an exclusive long term relationship without having sex but I would not date a man who prioritized early sex (i.e. before we were exclusively dating for at least a few months) over getting to know me as a person. And, yes, I would probaby feel slightly judgmental of that man's values and standards even though I "shouldn't" judge. In most cases, the men who prioritize early sex over getting to know the woman likely are just not that interested in the woman in question.

 

I also think it is age related. I likely would not date a man who is a virgin (I am 40 and if I were unattached my age range would be 35 and up) because I would be concerned about the reasons why (and if it were religious beliefs he likely would not date me, anyway), but I would wait as long as the man wanted to wait as long as we were serious and exclusive. If I were still in my early to mid 20s or younger I would expect the man to understand my reasons for wating (because of age and being old enough to handle that type of intimacy. Obviously the "age" is not set in stone but that is the general idea.

[88cookie]

Obviously the "age" is not set in stone but that is the general idea.

 

i get what your saying, im 18 and she is 19, but the generation today is soo messed up i mean kids are having sex in middle school it's really rediculous. if we are exclusive and really close i can understand. im glad it was brought up before i got to really get to know her otherwise it could of thrown me off down the road.

[CarnelianButterfly]

i get what your saying, im 18 and she is 19, but the generation today is soo messed up i mean kids are having sex in middle school it's really rediculous. if we are exclusive and really close i can understand. im glad it was brought up before i got to really get to know her otherwise it could of thrown me off down the road.

 

I think it was really responsible for her to tell you how she felt. It shows she respects that you and that you can chose not going through a relationship and finding out she won't sleep with you.

[88cookie]

...........

[Batya33]

I don't think this is an appropriate subject to discuss on IM - it trivializes it and there is too much room for miscommunication/misinterpretation particularly since you don't know her well.

 

It sounds like her reasons for not having sex are to make sure the guy really cares for her and is not just in it for the sex. That implies a negative attitude towards men and I would keep an eye on that. When I was a virgin my reasons for not having sex were a combination of religious and other moral values - I wanted to wait until marriage. At age 24, I changed my mind and I do not regret changing my mind. But it was never as some sort of test of the guy.

[88cookie]

...........

[TiredMan]

See for me personally, making someone wait until marriage is unreasonable. It's not as if she is a virgin and doing it for religious reasons either. And if she was, she should be with someone who shares that same view on sex and marriage. But she is basically telling you that you won't be having sex with her unless you get married. This is something that I don't think will work to be honest. Either it builds resentment, fighting, cheating or worse, someone who proposes WAYYYYYY too soon for that reason.

[Fisch]

Lol ok here is a quote I have heard: Guys want gold and girls want diamonds. Gold is sex and diamonds are caring. In a healthy relationship girls exchange gold for diamonds, and guys diamonds for gold. Granted its nowhere near black and white, but it is pretty common scientific knowledge that men are willing to have sex 90% of the time and women 10% (considering most possible scenarios not a relationship). Women want security, and guys want security that there will be sex. Basically, not being a virgin I view this as she wants hers without giving you yours because she doesnt not trust you. Unfortunately there is not an easy way of explaining this to your prospect gf without sounding shallow, but it is simply not. Anyone who thinks it is simply does not understand the difference between men and women. However, you being a virgin, I can understand why you would settle for this without argument.

[88cookie]

...........

[TiredMan]

ya that is a great quote. im going into this relationship even if i get nothing out of it. i am really lonely since my last gf and even though we promised to continue to hang out and be friends, we just chat from time to time cuz she has a bf now and could prolly careless about me. i just need someone to be there, i could careless about sex right now, i dont know why i got soo dang far ahead of myself and whatnot. im going to take what it gives me!

 

I get the vibe you are settling though for lack of other options. What would happen is if someone else comes along, you would probably leave this girl.

 

You are young. You haven't experienced sex and the connection that you can have. If it's something you want to experience, by all means, go out there and experience it. Especially if this girl doesn't want to do it until marriage now.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Just being desperate to have someone around is not a reason to be with someone. People get hurt that way. In fact, this woman is hurt enough from previous relationships that she doesn't need someone who is around just because he is lonely. Be with her because you like her and want to see where it goes, not as a crutch because you are lonely. With or without sex, people still get hurt if they fall for someone and the other person is just there to ease loneliness.

[88cookie]

...........

[TiredMan]

i definatly like her and wouldnt hurt her. i just meant as a generalization i want to have someone there which hopefully will be her. i wouldnt be with someone just cuz im lonely, it did sound that way though but im not like that. we are both looking for a long-term relationship

 

I agree with the post above your response. Many people stay with or get with someone because of lack of options. You are young, like I said. You are curious about sex. This girl told you she doesn't want sex until marriage anymore.

 

From her POV, if she doesn't want sex anymore, she shouldn't be with someone who has never experienced it and wants to. She should find a guy who feels the same way about sex (has had it and doesn't want to until marriage) as she does.

[88cookie]

...........

[TiredMan]

its not that i NEED to experience it, but it is a part of life. like i said though im gonna give it a go and she what she has to offer. thanks for all of the advice though

 

Not what I was saying. I'm saying she is wrong on her end. She made this decision and needs to find someone in the same boat as her.

[88cookie]

...........

[quietgrl]

TiredMan,

 

A person is not wrong for asking for sex for commitment while dating and nobody has to be in a sexless relationship if they don't want to be in one so why is 88cookie's woman friend in the "wrong" here.There are ALOT of couples, virgin couples and virgins casual dating and in relationship and there is no sex involved. A person who doesn't want to make a commitment shouldn't date people who want sex with a commitment this will elimate future problem in the future.Nobody is right or wrong in 88cookie's story.

[TiredMan]

TiredMan,

 

A person is not wrong for asking for sex for commitment while dating and nobody has to be in a sexless relationship if they don't want to be in one so why is 88cookie's woman friend in the "wrong" here.There are ALOT of couples, virgin couples and virgins casual dating and in relationship and there is no sex involved. A person who doesn't want to make a commitment shouldn't date people who want sex with a commitment this will elimate future problem in the future.Nobody is right or wrong in 88cookie's story.

 

She wants to wait for marriage (not just commitment) after already having sex before herself. 88cookie is a virgin and obviously is intrigued by having sex. I say she is wrong in that if she wants to wait until marriage, she should be looking for someone who shares that same want, rather than being with someone else and "forcing" them to the same thing. I say force in quotes because she doesn't have a gun to his head but he hasn't had sex so I'm assuming that being a romantic relationship is not a common thing so he may be giving things up just to be with someone in that way.

[heartbaby14]

TiredMan,

 

I don't think you can say that she's "wrong" or that she is forcing anything on anyone. She has been up front about wanting to wait until marriage, whether or not she's done it in the past has no bearing. It is 88cookie's decision to get involved with her.

[TiredMan]

TiredMan,

 

I don't think you can say that she's "wrong" or that she is forcing anything on anyone. She has been up front about wanting to wait until marriage, whether or not she's done it in the past has no bearing. It is 88cookie's decision to get involved with her.

 

Which is why I put "forcing" in quotes. At the same time, I feel like she is still wrong. Wrong in the same way that I would be wrong if I got together with someone who is 2 times my age and lonely, getting her to spend tons of money on me while not doing a thing in return. I am not FORCING her but I am more taking advantage of someone who had low esteem.