A Scandalous Situation......

[sydneybean84]

Almost a month ago I met a man, while out with my best friend.This man was EVERYTHING that I want from a man; tall, handsome, intelligent, stylish,a gentleman....The connection that we made with one another was instantaneous, passionate and inexplicable. It seemed as though we were the only ones in the room.... We ended up kissing that first night, it gave me goosebumps. I was convinced that he was too perfect to be single and told my best friend that. Turns out I was right (Damn!) One day after our primary encounter, "D" as we shall call him, sent me a very ominous text message saying "he had something to tell me about his situation and I was'nt going to like it..." Of course we talked and he confided in me that he had a girlfriend. Not just a girlfriend, but he also lived with her! I'll admit I was heartbroken! I felt as though I had finally found someone I could really fall for, after a year of bad dates and disappointments...I agreed to meet him for a "friendly" drink the same night as his "confession"....The evening could not have gone worse! I was hoping (as was he) that the connection we felt the first night we met was purely physical attraction, and that would be that...We were so wrong! We ended up talking and laughing for hours! I was hooked! Well, to make a long story short, a couple of weeks later we ended up sleeping together (which again, was AMAZING) and very recently he expressed to me that he was falling in love with me (and I him), right after he told me the girlfriend had told him only days earlier that she was pregnant!! You can only imagine how it felt to be in love with someone and have them tell you that their live-in girlfriend of four years is pregnant as he and I lay naked and intertwined in my bed!!!!!! What do I do? He told me that he will leave her for me, but do I want all of that drama? I cannot let go of the best thing I have EVER known....From the beginning "D" has been honest and forthright about his situation, he is caring, tender, and attentive, he makes me laugh!! What should I do? What do you think his perspective is? Can I ever trust him if we do get together? HELP!

[Satsuma]

You two might have a connection but when he said he had someone you shouldnt of slept with him. And as for him saying he will leave her for you, that is unlikely because she is pregnant! For all you know he could be messing you around and its best you dont stay in this situation because it will last ages, he will never leave her and they will have their child together. Plus do you really think he is going to leave his girlfriend of four years who is pregnant for someone he has met for not that long?

[shes2smart]

Maybe I'm just old and cynical, but a guy who knowingly flirts with/pursues a woman knowing full well he's got a live-in gf doesn't sound like all that great a catch.

 

People meet other folks they click with all the time. They always have the choice as to whether to act on those initial feelings or not. He did not disclose to you his "situation" until AFTER he chose to act on that initial spark.

 

As for trusting him....if it was me, I don't think I could.

 

I think you're looking at nothing but a lot of drama and heartache if you continue involvement with him.

[shes2smart]

...oh, yeah....and if you choose continued involvement with him, that makes you UNavailable to become involved with a decent, trustworthy single man who may cross your path.

[gfein347]

Hi and welcome to ENA!

 

I think something to keep in mind is the fact that he was willing to cheat on his girlfriend to be with you. If he does end up leaving his girlfriend and you two become a couple, what will stop him from cheating on you? Clearly he has little regard for committed relationships.

 

I would steer clear of this situation.

[flower99]

Maybe I'm just old and cynical, but a guy who knowingly flirts with/pursues a woman knowing full well he's got a live-in gf doesn't sound like all that great a catch.

 

People meet other folks they click with all the time. They always have the choice as to whether to act on those initial feelings or not. He did not disclose to you his "situation" until AFTER he chose to act on that initial spark.

 

As for trusting him....if it was me, I don't think I could.

 

I think you're looking at nothing but a lot of drama and heartache if you continue involvement with him.

 

 

I second this

 

If you continue this, in 4years you will be that girlfriend at home pregnant while he's out with a new women, with fresh sparks & passion.

 

He wasn't completely honest with you, he acted on his feeling THAN, when the damage was done, told you the truth...

 

Now question- do you really think he's a man of integrity?? do you think he has been honest with his girlfriend? because a true gentlemen & man of his word, would have told her after the first kiss, at least after the sex.

 

How he treats the people in his life now - is how he will eventually treat you.

 

Oh and leaving the women while she's carrying his child...not good character....it's not easy sharing parenting responsibilties for 18 years...that's a lot of drama & hard work & a life time of responsibility

are you really ready for that??

[blender]

Just remember, "if he'll do this with you, he will eventually do this to you".

 

be aware of your KARMA, and ask yourself "why you would make a CHOICE to get involved with someone else's man once you KNEW he was still in a relationship". Would you be okay if your man made this choice? And if he ever does become your man, just remember this is the kind of lack of respect he uses in making a choice.

 

and know that any man who would cheat on his girlfriend, and then actually make plans to "leave her while she is pregnant with his child"... I see why you admire and respect him???

 

Take care of you, and cut this relationship off now... it's not about "not wanting the drama".. it's that you really don't want 'him" as he is "revealing" his true character, or I should say, Lack of character to honestly be...

[blender]

Please have a standard and value for not only your own heart, but for this other girl's heart. Without these standards you are making choices based on a selfish need, and that is never a good way to start a relationship.. you will always be suspicious of him once the 'newness" of the "chemistry" between you wears off.. and it will in time.. trust this, it will.

 

He is not a man of any quality of character, if he was in a relationship and made a choice to go out, and not only meet someone but then do the "woe is me, I'm in a relationship, just being "honest".. well he's NOT honest, he's a cheater, and a liar, and I know you are attracted to him and you have "chemsitry" with him.. but if someone were to describe this situation to you, I think you'd roll your eyes, and say.. "yuk, get out of that type of scenario, have some self respect and respect for others as well, even if mr. handsome doesn't".

 

Let us know how you're feeling.. we are all here because we care, and we are not in judgement, just trying to help you 'see' this for what is really is...

[itsallgrand]

What do you do?

 

RUN.

 

Huh? What?

 

What in the hell are you thinking?

 

There. I said it.

 

Wake up. This guy is bad news. He's got a preggo gf and he's lying in bed with you. And this is the character you love so? This is a 'gentleman'?

[Lady Bugg]

MAN this has Jerry Springer written ALL over it!!!!

Run like the wind!!!!

[sydneybean84]

I just re-read what I wrote in a fit of frustration. I know how naive I must appear for my bad decision making...If I could only explain to you all how I feel about this man...I guess a part of me knows what I have to do, but another part of me just can't let him go...I have never fallen for ANYONE so hard or fast...And I know it sounds contrived but he really is a good guy...I know he's not just using me for sex, because CLEARLY he's getting plenty of that from his girlfriend....What the hell does he want from me? How could I let this happen? Why did he tell me he loves me if there is no potential for a future between us? I could honestly cry right now....If it were'nt for this damn deskjob and my ever present "Im working" facade I would....

[notsomuch]

Run run run. You will never feel secure in this relationship.

Whats more, do you want to be with someone as they have a child with another woman? Do you not think that that connection between him and his girlfriend might not bring them closer?

[Satsuma]

You know he isnt using you for sex? Did he tell you this? If he didnt then he could be using you for it.

[sydneybean84]

and another thing: When he and I met (supposedly) the relationship between him and his gf was on the rocks and basically over. Could she be using the preganacy as a last-ditch effort to keep him? I mean if a relationship is over, its over. He should be a father to this impending child, but why stay with someone who does'nt make you happy? im just saying....

[Satsuma]

I doubt she is using her pregnancy as a way of keeping him. Plus if it was on the rocks then he wouldnt/shouldnt of been having sex with her.

[blender]

Well for now it's VERY IMPORTANT that you separate your "feelings" from the "facts".

 

So while you are at work, write down all your "feelings" like:

 

FEELINGS:

 

"you love him"

 

He SAYS he "loves you".

 

"never fallen this fast" (which usually means as fast as you fall..it's literally "falling" down..down..down...)

 

I like the chemisty it's "amazing".

 

 

then in a sperate column write down the "facts"

 

FACTS:

He's a cheater.

There is another girl whom is as important and special as I am. yet he's made a choice to disrepect her, and now so am I.

He makes choices that are disrespectful

I do not feel "right" about all this

There is a baby, a human being that is coming into this life.

Is this how I would want the father of my baby to behave, because that is how HE is choosing to behave, why would he be any different with me.

I'm sure at some point this girl heard and felt the same things with this man.

What part of this am I "proud" of?..none of it.

 

Please be aware, that yes, you might have to let go of something that you "hoped" would be.. but it's NOT what you "hope" it can be.. it's simply not, this is a lose-lose situation.. sure you might have a whirlwind feeling right now.. but what respectful CHOICES are you making regarding this?

[blender]

P.S. you asked, "why stay with someone who does not make you happy?"

 

Because no one can "provide' your happiness, that comes from within you.. and only you.. meaning 'him"... it is real love when we share our happiness with someone, not expect to "attain it" from them.

 

Do not fall into the trap of trying to make this girl the "bad guy".. she didn't get pregnant on her own.. he made love to her.. he makes love to her.. if there relationship was "on the rocks" how did this happen, oh yeah, I forgot he just has sex with people whom he is meaning to break up with.. that's class...

 

Please try to gain some perspective on all this... shake yourself, wake up.. this is NOT a healthy man.. he's not... the truth is in the middle.. this girl is not to blame... don't go down that road.. if he's interested in pursuing you in a respectful, classy and sincere way, he would be getting his life together first, taking care of his "potential" break up with this girl, making sure she is safe, and his baby is safe, and that he is honest with her first.. she deserves that... but I guess he doesn't think anyone deserves more them he does..right? He does what he "wants" and gets what he "wants" when he "wants' it... and this is not a sign of character... he should be doing first things first, not overlapping woman in his life... YUK....

[Lady Bugg]

Sydney Blender just gave you some awesome advice. She makes so much sense sometimes it's scary...

 

Seriously....this guy seems to have no morals, or respect for women.

 

Of course he is telling you their relationship was on the rocks. he wanted to get laid. Do you think he would have said "you know I am deeply in love with my g/f and she's prgnant" that you would have swooned over him?? Of course not. You would have been repelled by him....and at the VERY least showed him the door.

 

As Blender said: separate facts from feelings. That is a sound advice...and

makes things a WHOLE lot clearer.

[Siriana]

Oh, girl you have here a common scenario for a story: "My life as a mistress."

Since the story is pretty much well known you can't get rich by writing that book so I suggest you to leave.

 

Now the one thing that should stop you from beeing a main actress in such a humiliating position is thinking about the other girl - his pregnant girlfriend who he's living with.

Put your feelings of excitment and sexual connection aside and imagine how it would feel for you if you were her. Beeing pregnant and cheated. If you can imagine yourself in her position I think you will find your feelings of instant attraction and passion completely irrelevant. If isn't more important than her real life situation and future responsibilities... At least you own that to her - because she's a female and she deserves the support of other females - not backstabbing. It is not important what her bf thinks - and his "loyalty". It is your decision what kind of a carma you want to create for yourself.

 

Right now you're both beeing played.

[Juliana]

I notice there is one thing conspicuously mssing from the things you write: Anything indicating how much he loves you. Because that little voice in your heart is shrieking at you that he doesn't. That pain you're feeling? That need to cry? Get used to it. He doesn't love you. He may not even know what love is; anyway that's not your problem. This is:

 

List of things you will lose by staying with him:

 

1. A relationship with a good man who will put you first, and who cannot stand to hurt you.

 

2. Children with that good man.

 

3. The life you can build for yourself when you're not aching and grieving and in pain.

 

4. Yourself.

 

What you will lose by leaving him:

 

1. A man who has a pregnant girlfriend he's living with.

 

2. Some great orgasms.

 

3. A fantasyworld in which you are loved and cherished, when in fact, you aren't.

 

4. The possibility of picking up a disease off his cheating a**.

 

If this guy is your Prince Charming, I hope he's going to produce the horse that goes with all that sh*t I'm seeing. I mean, if he really loves you more than he loves her, wouldn't he have to come after you if you left him?? You're just kidding yourself, and believe me, this has been a great fling -- a wonderful experience -- and that's how you should leave it. Otherwise you could seriously wreck your life, and that would be a shame.

[Rabican]

The only thing you need to know is this.

 

He is everything you want in a man, smart, handsome, good in bed, etc. Except that one day down the road, hes going to be laying in bed with some other girl, telling her that he as a girlfriend that he lives with (you) and a kid to another girl (the girl he has now) and hes falling in love with her.

 

Do you really want THIS kind of a guy? No you dont. You want the IDEA of this guy... but trust me the real thing isnt quite right.

[blender]

absolutely right rabican!

[sydneybean84]

Yeah it does suck to hear all of this from you all. It sucks but its oddly cathartic. I am reading what I have been thinking for the past couple of weeks...I have been in agony!! I talked to "D" for quite sometime over the phone last night, with all of the intentions in the world of breaking things off with him (y'all will never believe it but I actually printed out the commentary you all posted and had it in my hand as I spoke to him to keep me focused on the issue at hand....) I figured over the phone would be a lot easier so I could avoid the "oh my God he's soooo handsome distraction....." To make a long story short, I did not accomplish my goal. He is meeting me after work to "talk things out in person"....Pray for me y'all......I really want to do what is right...Tonight could be the last time I see him, and that hurts!!

[blender]

Please ask yourself, why are you choosing to see him tonight?...

 

just make sure to know what YOUR OWN intentions are.. we already know his..and HIS intentions are NOT emotionally mature, respectful or healthy... this is a lose-lose relationship for you.. and I think it's great that you are so wise and are considering the TRUTH, no matter how much it is not what you want to hear...

 

If you separated your feelings from the FACTS here, you might find the courage to cancel seeing him tonight, and put no further energy into this disrespectful situation.. KARMA...

 

We're here if you need us, please take the time to be respecting of your own heart, and that of the innocent woman who is pregnant with his child.. you do have a choice here, to NOT see him anymore.. regardless of your "attraction/chemistry" with him... this is NOT a "nice" thing to do.. for anyone involved.. try to not be a party to an unhealthy, insincere, cheating, mans choices...

[fnlyfrei]

Remember Brittany Spears and Kevin Federline? He had a toddler and a pregnant girlfriend when started seeing Ms. Spears....see how well that turned out? I think we let our hormones cloud our judgement...wish they would make a pill to clear that up...(not just you...all of us at one point are BLINDED by infatuation...and hormones...and good sex) When that is over...when the fog clears...you will see what a creep he is.