I need to help my boyfriend

[VeganBohemian]

Hey all.

 

I am begging for at least one kind person to read through this entire post. Please. I know I have posted stupid things in the past, but this is very serious and I am in tears. I have a lot to say, so parts of this may seem to make no sense and I apologize. I don't really know where to put this. I had a horrible weekend this due to my boyfriend's psychological state. I love him so much and I can't bear to see him so upset and hurting.

 

I mentioned already on this board that my boyfriend has family problems and subsequently has severe emotional issues due to this. He barely ever talks about his feelings related to his issues and always wants to appear as though they do not affect him. Sometimes I believe he is in severe denial about his emotional pain. It runs so deep that it causes him to lash out in anger to things in the present in response to triggers that spark feelings related to events that have already happened.

 

Before I say anything about him that may appear to be very negative, I want to say that he is always wonderful and happy when he is with me. We are so together, it is sickening. We connect in ways I didn't think was possible. He is my whole world and I am his...but not in a bad way. We always have fun together and barely ever argue. He has never once ever yelled at me nor has done anything to make me even think about breaking up with him. I love him very very very much.

 

His primary issue is the abandonment of him by his mother. He feels as though she betrayed him. His mother and him have not really spoken since he was about 14 because of a variety of reasons. She put him wrongfully in a mental hospital, only for a week or so though, and also put him in a school for kids that misbehave. She was very strict and kind of mean. He never had issues with alcohol or drugs...it was mainly just behavior problems. He had ADD. He blames his mother for him not completing high school because he was very intelligent and always got good grades. He received his GED and is now a senior in college with high honors (all As, which amazes me). He lived with his dad ever since he moved out of his mom's house (she basically threw him out), however his dad a few years later bought a house with his girlfriend (now his wife) who my bf despises. He claims because his dad is a successful business man with a tremendously great personality. He is funny, very nice, healthy and just pretty much awesome. However, the wife is an alcoholic, is loud, obnoxious, etc. My bf didn't like her at all. My bf threw a fit at her one night for opening the window (my bf has allergies) and pretty much went ballistic. His dad asked my bf to move into my bf's grandma's apartment. My boyfriend has lived there for about 2 years now and sees his dad at least once a week. They have a good relationship and talk on the phone several times a day.

 

My bf continually has outbursts relating to his living situation. My bf is very unhappy there because of a few reasons. His grandma is a little off...she is about 80 years old and works every single day. She is healthy, but her mannerisms are bizarre. She cannot really hold normal conversations and she complains a lot about things that make no sense. You can't really talk to her, but she does mean well. I can't really explain her behavior, but as an impartial party, I have to say that she is very odd and difficult to get along with.

 

He is unhappy there because apartment lifestyle is very different from what he had with both his mom and his dad. The apartment is small, the neighbors are excessively loud, and my bf can't do his laundry and has to go to the laundramat. He can't use the dishwasher either. He gets so upset and sad about living there...although he won't admit the real reason. It is because it represents how his parents will not allow him to live with them in their houses. It may not sound like a big deal, but it is everything.

 

He says he hates his surroundings. He hates the walls, his bed (which is just a mattress...and he is not poor), his everything. It is not, to him, a home. His home is with his mom...his dad. Anywhere else is just a reminder of the fact that he no longer can rely on his parents for support. It is like a daily slap in the face telling you that you are not loved. I can't accurately describe his state of emotion concerning this...it is a mix of extreme hatred, but at the root is severe emotinal pain and suffering.

 

He screams about how he has to wear earplugs because the neighbors make noise. He screams at his grandma all the time, just because he is mad at his parents. I told him to stop that and that she is not the one he is really angry with.

 

So yesterday:

 

My boyfriend last night had to do part of a group paper that consisted of 10 pages, about 2 pages per person. It was on the oil industry (he is a business major). His section was very good, however since he was the person to put the paper together, he naturally has to read everyone else's sections. They were absolutely awful. Almost unreadable. The portions written by the other members did not answer any of the requirements or anything relevent at all.

 

Here is the upset. Since my boyfriend is a perfectionist when it comes to schoolwork, he slowly began to progress into a sort of overreacting state of complete panic. He and I pretty much stared at the computer for 8 hours with him complaining and yelling about how his group is incompetent and that he is going to not graduate.

 

He was sent a bibliography by the group members also which had some mistakes, but nothing major, and my bf refused to fix it because he feels it is not his job. Understandable. But, he was in an actual mental craze and I could NOT calm him down. It slowly escalated into a full blown almost kind of nervous breakdown. He wrote about 25 "practice" emails to the teacher explaining that his group is a bunch of idiots (in other words, of course). He was so angry and upset. I know I said that already...but it was really bad.

 

Due to his upset about the paper, his mind gravitated toward his family situation. He started screaming at his grandma for no reason at all, saying all kinds of horrible things relating to their situation. He and I went for a drive to get food, but we never ate.

 

I want to pause and mention that during all of this he remained very nice and loving toward me. He is a wonderful person and 99% of the time he is calm and funny and awesome. We are so connected and it is as though we are one person. There was never any act of yelling or anything directed at me. It was more like he went into his own psychosis that did not directly involve me, but of course affected me emotionally because I care about him and love him.

 

When we got back to the house, I managed to calm him down and I told him to lay down and I will cuddle him and make him feel better. It was so heartbreaking. He was practically in tears and held onto me like he was a small child without a parent to console him.

 

We talked rationally about his situation. I told him that he is not upset about the noise. He is not upset about his laundry. He is not upset about his grandma. He is upset about his parents and the fact that they kicked him out.

 

He told me that he cried many times to his father to let him back in, told him calmly that he hates living in the apartment and just wants to go home. And his dad said no. My boyfriend thinks that his dad chose her over his own son and that now he is forced to live a less than desirable lifestyle. His dad does still support him monetarily while he is in school, but it is not the same.

 

He does a lot of odd behaviors that when I first met him did not understand, but now I do. He does things like throw a lot of his possessions away. For example, last night during all of the upset, he took his new lamp that his dad bought him and gave it away. He will not buy anything for himself EVER and has pretty much nothing. He has issues about his body even though he is not fat. He has virtually no friends. Something is clearly very, very wrong.

 

I couldn't really sum up the situation accurately. I tried. Here is a copy of an email he sent me about a year ago explaining it from his words:

 

"A wise man once said, 'When a person has problems with their life, the main cause of the problems is usually denial.'

I have been in denial for a long time. I fear that I am still in denial about too many things.

Fortunately, god has given me the power to see how I can become whole again. I am the key player in the game of my life. Whether I succeed or fail will come down to whether or not I am motivated enough to pursue my goals.

Time is running out. The game has entered the fourth quarter, and I am trailing my opponent by a substantial margin.

I cannot become a failure. Why? I will not allow it.

I wish I could go to college parties. I wish I could play on the football team. I wish I could play on the soccer team. Even if I sat on the bench every game, I would cheer so loud for the team and have fun. I wish I had 25 friends on facebook. I wish I was in the army. I wish my bottom teeth were not grinded down. I wish I exercised more. I wish I lived in a house where I could wash my clothes so I could exercise and not have to worry about having clothes to wear. I wish I still had my trophies. I wish I could play catch with someone. I wish things would have happened differently. Everytime something bad happens to someone, their soul takes a hit. After too many hits, the soul changes and grows dark.

In my life, I have spent many days alone. I was alone in the hospital. Alone in my father's house. Alone at the rec center, hoping someone would show up and play basketball with me - but no one ever did. Every goddamn day I would go to the JCC gym and shoop hoops all alone. I am good at dealing with pain. The pain of being alone, unwanted, or not chosen.

When I wake up everyday, I survey my surroundings and I hate them. I hate them with every bit of my being. Some days I feel tired because of how much I have to restrain myself from going berserk and acting insane.

My mother betrayed me and she should be killed. My father betrayed me too, but in a less offensive way. He deserves only a minor punishment - possibly a fine.

I will never have children under any circumstances. People leave me and I hate them for it. I do not know anyone else who was suddenly cut off from their family and their previous life.

Nobody understands the pain I am in every second of everyday. It is constant and in my mind at all times. The self control I exhibit is amazing. At any given time I magically feel like wigging out and I dont. I feel like punching people and smashing their faces with objects. Life goes on.

Pretty soon I gotta shower, so I will be clean when I buy my books. Loyalty is an illusion. I love you."

 

He really has a problem. He seems so alone and so disheartened and has so much pain inside of him that I want to take away. It seems as though that when he are together, it does momentarily go away. But, that isn't enough. I want him to be happy. Truly happy.

 

I managed to comfort him (even though I was in tears myself) and stroked his head and held him all night long, but he just looked so alone and so broken.

 

He has problems and I don't know how I can help him. Both of us are committed to one another...I do not want to hear any remarks about breaking up. We are almost at 1.5 years and this has been the happiest either of us has ever been. I don't know how to handle this.

 

Please help me. What can I do??? Has ANYONE ever had this happen to them, either being in his situation or mine???

[blender]

You need to understand you are powerless over his issues. Completely powerless. This self discovery and healing that he needs to do, can only be done by him, with the help of a professional therapist. I know you love him, so love him enough to let him get some professional help.. YOU can not save him from himself, and you will lose YOUR SELF trying to do so...

 

He has been a victim of some horrible life circumstances, and these rage issues run very deep within him.. believe me if his defenseless eighty year old grandmother can become one of his verbal assault targets so will you... eventually.

 

I hope you understand I am not suggesting you stop loving him, or caring about him, but you false sense of thinking the two of you "complete each other" is not a realistic healthy mature perspective.

 

One must be complete and happy on thier own before they can truly emotionally respectfully love another.

 

You are a "life raft" right now... and I know you want to be there for him, but he needs some professional guidance, he's in a deep emotional pain without a healthy outlet... and only HE can make a choice to stop concentrating on the "wrongs" that have been done to him, and start making his own life right by choice.. yes, I know this is easier said then done.

 

Remember if you ever feel you have to "walk on eggshells" to keep him peaceful, than this is a very unhealthy relationship for not only you, but for him too... Is there anyway he can go to a therapist at school? A counselor?

 

Can you go talk to a counselor and bring the post you wrote here, and ask someone for guidance on how you can still be loving towards him, but be careful to have your own happiness.

 

Are you happy right now?

Is this what your dreams of being in a relationship were like?

Do you feel he respects himself and others, his grandma?

Do you ever worry that his anger towards his mother will be taken out on you once his grandmother is gone?

 

It's important to separate the rage from the man, yes I know you love him, but his rage is so unhealthy for anyone around him, and that includes you...

 

I wish I could tell you exactly what would "fix" his problems, but I'm afraid it will take therapy, forgiveness on his part towards his parents, obviously they were very destructive to his development and self esteem, I'm so sorry they did this to him, but now is the time for him to get some healthy emotional tools in dealing with his rage.. and I think you might want to talk to a counselor and get some help for you first, and ask how you can handle this... take care of YOU.. there has to be a whole you in order for you to truly be there for someone else.

[agent1607307371]

Your bf needs councelling for anger issues and needs to stop seeing himself as a victim if he is to change. That's basically it.

 

And to be honest, I don't think his parents did betray him, they did what they thought was best at the time. And I agree with his dads actions.

[VeganBohemian]

If you agree, why?

[n83]

It sounds like he needs professional counseling. In all honesty, it could take a long time (if it ever happened) for your bf to be "truly happy"... It is curious that he can't seem to get along with anyone in his family. If he's so unhappy with his current living situation, he should be making moves to change it, not complaining. That's really not going to get him anywhere. He's old enough now that he should be taking responsibility for his living situation and his mental health, if he sees it as problematic. You're not going to be able to "fix" this for him.

[debsea]

Help him help himself!

 

He needs someone with professional training. You say that you have been together for 1.5yrs and are very happy, yet you also know that it hasn't helped him deal with his issues at all, nothing has changed with how bad he feels, he is stuck.

 

If you try to work through it with him then in the future he will not be able to look at you without remembering all the pain, so you must not be the person to see him through this and facing this. If he sees a professional when he comes home to you, you will be his comfort.

 

I agree with the post above, if he doesn't change his outlook he will eventually turn his anger/upset on you.

 

What happens the day you make a mistake and need his support and caring understanding,who will be there for you? Would he cope with that?

 

I think he's very lucky to have you, and you can be there for him but you must look out for yourself, or you will not help him in the long run.

 

Good luck I hope it all works out.

[agent1607307371]

Because the woman opened a window in her own home and he "went ballistic" at her.

 

I would not have someone living in my house who I thought was a threat to the other people there.

 

And his Grandma is pretty old and he yells at her? If I was his dad and knew about that, I'd ask him to leave that house as well.

[n83]

I think people here are not trying to upset you but we are trying to get you to see this objectively, and honestly I'm not clear that you are looking at this objectively. You're insistent that you love him and want to help him, but you have to realize that by fighting and all that stuff, he's working against himself or any attempts for others to want to help him.

[Juliana]

Do you honestly believe that there is anything you can do to help him, beyond what you've done?

 

His denial is over the fact that he needs professional help.

 

I'm not saying this from some holier than thou position; I checked myself into a psych ward when I was 19. I knew that my brain, the tool I needed to use to get myself where I wanted to be in life, was so swamped by my emotions, I literally could not think of anything else. I could not do anything.

 

Surgeons don't operate on their own hands; your boyfriend's intelligence is simply going to waste while he imagines he can fix this himself. He needs help, right away. Has no one ever tried to get him some help?

 

I never wanted my illness to be part of my boyfriend's life. I never wanted him to have to deal with any of it. Your post is a perfect example of how hard it is to love someone who is suffering so much; please talk to him about seeing someone. You may be the only person who can, because you understand, it's not him that's the problem, it's the pain.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

How old is he?

[VeganBohemian]

EK, he is 22.

[langford]

He seems to be the centre of his universe,all he talks about are his miseries,his strifes,his difficulties and the endless things he wishes he had.

 

What about the things he does have?? a girlfriend who loves and adores him who supports him completely,that's a huge asset in this life.He is in university,he has somewhere to live,his grandmother is family and still cares about him enough to let him live with her.

 

I agree with Agent 100% he needs to stop playing the victim and take some responsiblity for the direction of his life and deal with the way it has turned out.Fked up things happen to everyone and you have to move on from it and stop expecting others to carry your backpack for you.

 

You are incredibly patient.

[VeganBohemian]

He brings me an awful lot of joy. He is a wonderful person and I have no issue with being patient. I wouldn't be that way with just anyone.

 

I agree with you that whenever anything stresses him out, he goes into victim mode, where he can only think about the things that have happened to him. Usually, in normal sucky circumstances, the average person would just get moderately angry, whilst my bf gets enraged because he begins to think about all of the other horrible things that have happened to him in the past.

[Momene]

It gets crazy when both my wife and I go into victim mode.