debsea
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Everything posted by debsea
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To ghost69, I agree with you which is what I keep telling myself. But its hard to think you're doing the right thing if you feel down about life. I just wish sometimes he'd walk in and give me a huge hug rather than a peck on the cheek! I'm trying to accept that that is just his way but I miss being made to feel really wanted.
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He's English. He used to do a lot of outdoor activities but doesn't seem to want to now. I have told him that I really miss social interaction but he just says well I'm not stopping you going. When I explain that I'd like us to go as a couple he just says well we won't be because we'll be with other people. I understand if people don't like being in parties etc but he doesn't like even going round friends houses if we're invited. When he does go everyone thinks he's lovely but it just seems that its all such an effort. All I want is a happy chilled out social busy life................oh dear asking for too much again!
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Thanks for this I will look at the web site, life seems so hard at the moment. Most of the time I feel like I'm sorted and then I seem to trip up. I hope its not rebound because I really don't want to hurt him, but I also don't want to end up in a long time "unfulfilling" relationship. I have been very careful with the kids and very open with them. Their Dad is their Dad, and they are aware that I've never been sure what would happen with me and my bf. So hopefully whatever happens there will be no more nasty surprises for them. They come first at the end of the day. Thanks for reading my post...............I used to be such a chilled, happy, level headed person, this is all very wearing. Hope you're happy.
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I'm actually still not divorced, as he broke the marriage up I thought he should pay for it, and as yet it hasn't been an issue. We've hardly ever talked about it. I'd been separated for two years before I started seeing my bf. When we first met I suppose the fun of being with someone new filled alot of the time. I've always had some issues with how he is, and have always had to make effort on my own if I'm bored. He is very content in his own company or with me but doesn't need anyone else. I don't think he needs the buzz of life that I need, and I then think I shouldn't expect him to be my entertainment. With my ex there was always something happening even if it wasn't what I wanted so boredom didn't really come into it. I think I miss my old way of life rather than my ex. I had decided at Christmas that I was going to end it and when it came to it I didn't. That left me thinking that if I wasn't going to end it then there must be enough good stuff to stick at it. Other times I just think I'm a coward. Just feel very confused......am I wanting too much out of life??
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Well I haven't posted on here for a while because I felt like I was letting myself just wallow rather than make the effort to be happy. Briefly: my 18 yr marriage broke up 4 years ago, and I have two gorgeous kids. I get on with my ex because I make the effort to. I have a bf of 2 years. Here's the problem my bf is kind and considerate but quite unsocial and doesn't generally show any emotion. When I was getting over my ex which was very painful, I dreamed of meeting someone who wanted to have a busy social life, with lots of fun and lots of passion and emotion. Probably the opposite of what I have. I care about him alot but I get to feel more and more isolated from the things that we could be doing and the fun that I know is out there. I keep feeling I should end it but then I think well you can never have what you want 100%, I just don't know if I'm making too big a compromise. When he does show a spark of emotion it means so much (probably because I'm craving it). He is very considerate and does make me laugh but there is plenty of times when I'm sooooooo bored. I do try to do things myself and don't expect him to fill my days, but I so wanted to be with someone to enjoy life with. He's good with the kids, but we've never had a family day out in two years. Does anyone know how I can make my mind up what to do for the best. I don't want to feel trapped in a relationship thats a drag at times and I don't want to lose something that may be the best thing I'll ever have. I also don't want to hurt him. I've been going round and round on this for probably a year!!
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If it does go that way then just think about this, if you were with a guy who you didn't feel you had to put an act on for, didn't hold your past against you, and loved you for who you are..................would you truly miss this guy? It was said to me once by a very positive (sadly married) friend, it makes you think!
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Help him help himself! He needs someone with professional training. You say that you have been together for 1.5yrs and are very happy, yet you also know that it hasn't helped him deal with his issues at all, nothing has changed with how bad he feels, he is stuck. If you try to work through it with him then in the future he will not be able to look at you without remembering all the pain, so you must not be the person to see him through this and facing this. If he sees a professional when he comes home to you, you will be his comfort. I agree with the post above, if he doesn't change his outlook he will eventually turn his anger/upset on you. What happens the day you make a mistake and need his support and caring understanding,who will be there for you? Would he cope with that? I think he's very lucky to have you, and you can be there for him but you must look out for yourself, or you will not help him in the long run. Good luck I hope it all works out.
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I've just read your post and it got me thinking. I don't actually believe that you have to tell everything that happened in the past because it was just that your past. Presumably he was quizzing you about it in such a way you felt you had to answer when you didn't really want to. You need to sit down with him and try to explain why you didn't just tell him the truth at the beginning, ie, embarrassment, fear of losing him. And explain that you told him in the end because you wanted to be completely honest with him. He will need to learn to trust you again but this will only come from time and being in situations where he finds out that you always tell the truth now. It is ridiculous to think that trust can be reborn out of someone losing weight. For instance what if you cant (I can't shift 2 stone), does that mean he's going to decide he can't trust you, when actually it just means that you can't lose weight. What happens if he marries you, "oh dear sorry I'm going to divorce you because you've put on 1 stone". I think he's being manipulative and controlling. I think if he truly loved you he would have been hurt by the lies, but relieved and wanting to believe you when you have told the truth. It may be he can't get past how dishonest you were and he won't be able to trust you but losing weight and getting married won't change that! IMO that he makes you feel insecure and maybe thats why you lied in the first place. I think you can do much better and find someone who cares about who is on the inside, and maybe they won't make you feel like you have to lie. And marriage won't cure anything, trust me I know!
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Well it was my weekend off from the kids so I get to see my bf, and I was all set to tell him how unhappy I was, that other than every other weekend I only talk to him on the phone. But the weekend was so much of a relief to the stress that I feel the rest of the time, I couldn't bring myself to ruin it by bringing up what was wrong. I did get as far as telling him that we needed to talk but we both thought sunday would be better so the weekend wasn't ruined. And then I put it off til too late on Sunday and didn't want to leave on a really bad vibe. So now here we are on Monday and I know that I am going to get upset over the next two weeks that I have a boyfriend but there will be no one there for me to cuddle and be with. I'm angry at myself but find it really hard to ruin the only time that I feel really relaxed. I know I'm only making things worse for myself by not ending the relationship but its so hard to finish something when its the one thing at that moment that makes you feel good. I know I have to because I don't believe that he wants me and the kids, he's just happy with me. How do I find the strength to do it, I'm worried that I'll only do it when I'm even more low than I get now, and last week was pretty horrible. I'm sorry if I'm waffling on but it feels like I'm talking to someone when I post on here and it helps me to let things out.](*,)
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We've been going out for TWO YEARS!! Don't think I'm expecting too much. Whenever I try to ask him where he sees things going he just says "who knows what will happen!" He has been hurt before by bringing someone elses child up for 6 years then she left and told him she thought it would confuse the child if he stayed in her life now that there was a new father figure. So I understand him being careful but he's effectively pushing me away because my kids are obviously a hugely important to me. He doesn't act disinterested because I speak to him every day but I do need someone to actually be there. Any family days out I've suggested he's not interested in because none of it is stuff he wants to do. Very hard to admit that its not going anywhere, keep trying to focus on the here and now, but I don't want to waste a load of years only to find myself on my own when I'm older. I'm ok on my own, but it would be nice to think you'd grow old with someone who wants to be part of your family. I know its a lot to ask but he doesn't have to be their father, just a friend.
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I'm afraid my postings lately are a bit rambling but its how I feel. My b/f is always the same to me and doesn't act distant when I see him but I seem to see him much less now, ie everyother weekend when I don't have the kids. He does have a busy week but he used to manage to see me during the week occasionally and at the weekends when I had the kids. Anyway one of the problems is that he keeps his work and home life completely separate, my problem is his only friends are work friends. thereforeeee he never invites me to go with him if they have a night out. Generally he doesn't go but occasionally he does. Now I'm definitely not someone that wants to go with him everytime he has a night out but its so rare that he does that I'd like to go with him and enjoy meeting his friends. I feel like I'm being stupid but its really got to me now, I'm not part of his friends or his family and he's so content on his own that he doesn't want to be part of my family or friends. When I talk to him about it he doesn't see what the problem is and says that surely its how we are together that counts not anyone else. He's very good at making what I say sound stupid. I care about him a lot but I think I have to end it for my own sanity. I'm beginning to feel very lonely and unsure of myself. Its so hard because he always behaves normally when I'm with him and doesn't give any signs that there's a problem. Maybe he just doesn't need what I want and need. Has anyone else felt like this, I'm not usually an over emotion person and don't normally blow things out of proportion. Do you think I'm over reacting. Thanks for your thoughts.
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Thankyou both, I think I know that the relationship is not right and everything you've said Belle is right. Its just that I've hit such a low the only time I feel ok is when I see him and then its so hard to make the break, it feels like chopping your nose off despite you're face. I know when I think about it what I should do I just seem to keep not doing it. After 18 years with my husband whom I met when I was 17, I'm not very experienced at ending relationships etc. Especially when I'm so torn about it. I don't want to but I know it would be for the best. Why do relationships have to be so complicated!! Thanks for your thoughts. This is how I want to feel again
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I'm very confused and thought I'd post whats going through my head at the moment to see if things can become clearer. After two years of seperation from my husband (his choice very painful), I met a lovely guy who I could talk to for hours. He was very slow moving in the relationship development and we only became bf/gf after four months of hours of talking. I've been with him for two years now. He's a very self sufficient person who's very practical, fixes my car etc. and is quite content on his own without social interaction. He's not a tactile person and if we were out at a party you wouldn't realise we were a couple. He works late but when we were first together he used to come round a couple of evenings, and at the weekends and the weekend my kids were at their dads we would spend the whole weekend together. As time has gone on, and the intensity has died down, I now only see him the weekends I don't have the kids and the odd lunch hour. Also because he is so content on his own he doesn't want to come to any of the social things that might be going on. I on the other hand want a lot of action and social stimulation (I get bored very easily) and I love to be busy. I'm a very loving person and really want to be with someone. So here's my dilemma I like being with him but I don't think he would work as part of my family (I don't think he wants that - no family days out etc), and I spend most of my time feeling lonely and unloved. When I was single I was lonely occasionaly but I didn't dwell on it, but now I feel that the thought that I'm in the wrong relationship but I also don't want to lose him is quite all consuming. I want to be with someone much more but I don't want to press that with him because I'm not sure he's right for me. I need someone that will reassure me that they love me. And if its not gonna work then should I leave so that I'm free to meet someone else. I don't want to spend the rest of my life seeing someone every other weekend. Plus we haven't done much on those weekends as he won't go the movies etc. and I've been getting bored. I know it all points to the fact that I should end it, but I do like him, and I keep trying to just accept how things are now and not worry about the future, but whats the point of staying with someone if its not right in the long term? Oh what to do? If anyone can make any sense of this nonsense I would appreciate it but if not thanks for reading.
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I think one of the hardest things is not knowing whether its completely over. Sadly when you've been with someone so long your brain just won't accept that its really over, and your heart doesn't want to. But somewhere deep down you know you'll have a better life if you can leave them behind. Its really hard to move on when you have to keep contact with them for the kids and I think it slows the whole healing/moving on process down. I still wonder whether I will get back with my ex, and some days it feels like torture although I know that it wouldn't be for the best. I so completely understand how you feel but I really think if you can be strong, stick it out and resist the temptation to go back to him if it arises you will be much happier with your life in the long run. Sometimes I feel that the security and contentment of being with someone you know so well is what we crave with them rather than actually still being in love with them. And you deserve so much more than someone that lie's and cheats. You have to believe that this is the start of a new exciting life.
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Hiya Frida, I've just read your post and it threw me back to all the emotions I had when my husband said he wanted to end it. Only it turned out that he already had "just a very good friend" who then surprisingly became his girlfriend. On several occasions I had to take my kids to my old house where he was and drop them of with her there. It hurts so much, the only advice I can give you is cry your eyes out and give yourself permission to be sad and hurt. You will find that gradually you cry less, and the old cliche of time heals is true. I used it like a crutch and used to think hey I've made it through another hour, another day, another week. Don't try to make yourself hate him or find all the faults that you know are there and everyone else can see because you still care for him and its not always rational. But gradually you will start to be more interested in you and doing what makes you feel better. A good "optimistic" friend of mine said "hey you've got a shot at a new life!". It takes a while to realise that and the road is long and hard, give yourself time to get there. Huge hugs for you
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Do they ever stop? Its now been four years since my ex left me, we'd been together for 18 years. I can't do nc because I have two children who see him every other week. I have tried to move on, I have a home and a bf, but I still find myself crying over what I've lost. I don't know whether I cry for my ex or my lost family life which will never be the same again. My ex is now with a girlfriend who has kids and he now seems capable of being part of a family, it really hurts. Does this mean I'm not over him, does this mean I'm just not happy with my new life/boyfriend and that makes me reflect on what I've lost. I don't know how to stop keep on being hurt?
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I've sort of been thinking that thats what I'll have to do. My friends are surprised I'm still with him because I've had unhappy thoughts about the relationship from the start. But I do worry that I expect too much, and thats whats make me hesitate from doing the deed. I worry that I'm looking for that connection that I had with my ex, but I met him when I was 17 and grew up with him. My new bf obviously has his own ways and life and I worry that expect too much attention. Only saw him for a couple of hours this weekend, he only lives a mile away and he was mostly at home, it seems odd to me that he wouldn't want to spend more time with me. But I had the kids with me and although hes ok with them its fairly obviously he doesn't want to be involved in family life. And I wish I'd stop moaning, I know from on here people are having much harder times (and I've had a much worse time), I'd just like to be chilled and happy again..........maybe I am still getting over my ex.
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Dealing with a complicated recent breakup
debsea replied to insofar's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Hiya, I don't know much about long distance relationships, but has she ever said how well she copes with the times your apart. The lonliness of it could be adding to her mental stresses, and maybe thats why she's made the choice she has. I have considered leaving my bf because I find the fact that I see him only every other weekend, and he only lives a mile away, distressing and makes me feel more lonely than when I'm on my own. Its just a thought, I hope it works out ok for you. -
why is my ex being so nasty to me!!
debsea replied to kath123's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Because if he makes out in his head that you're a nasty person and is nasty to you then it eases his guilt. If he sees you for the lovely person that you are and the caring mother of his children he makes himself feel worse so he makes sure he doesn't. How do I know because I've had 4 years to work it out after 18years of good marriage which also ended suddenly because he'd met someone. Try to make sure that when you see him be amicable but keep it short. It is harder to deal with the split because you will have to keep on seeing him but you will get there. And then most likely he will realise what he's thrown away. Keep your chin up, and hang on in there, the old cliche is true, time will help. -
PhD Diagnosis of Separation Anxiety
debsea replied to ramsickle1369's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Wow, this really hit home. I don't quite get anxiety attacks but I feel really lonely and empty even though I have a boyfriend and my kids live with me. I only really spend time with my bf every other weekend which only heightens my feeling of emptiness and lonliness. At my worst I long for my ex, he left me after 18 years, but we're 4 years on now, so I'm beginning to think the problem is with me and the emptiness I feel. Everything is so confused I don't know where or how to sort things out, Is the therapy helping? I think we should take comfort in the fact that there are other people out there feeling just the same. -
I'm usually very good at reading people and because of the hurt my ex did to me I'm very wary of someone being half hearted about me. My bf doesn't give me that vibe, we talk everyday, he pre-empts if I need something practical and he gets upset if he thinks I'm becoming distant. I don't mean that in a controlling way. But it feels like I have a relationship which you would have if you lived with someone, but not the benefits of them actually being there physically daily for you. And I'm finding this is making me be really needy of adult company, sometimes it feels worse than when I am single. When I'm with him I feel ok. BUT I don't feel I can ask him to move in or anything because we are so different I don't know that it would work, and I don't trust my feelings. I'd hate to move in that direction only to turn round and hurt him. I feel completely torn.
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I have been honest with him about not being sure about us, but I don't think he realises that I'm still hurting from my ex, I think he would think that that means I still care for him. And I'm not even sure if that is the problem, maybe I'm just not happy with things now and am remembering back to when I was. I really want to be living with someone again but feel torn because I don't feel he's the person, but then I think maybe I'm just scared of getting hurt again. Its all so exhausting going round and round in my head. Thanks for your replies its good to get someone elses opinion.
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Hi, I'm new to this and this is my first post so I'm sorry for how long it is. I was married for 18 years and have two children, then after a year of him being distant from me he told me he wanted to split, I'd thought he was unhappy with his work. Up until then it had been fine, we'd had our ups and downs but who wouldn't in 18 years. I cried, I took us to relate, but it was no use, he had met someone else but wasn't admitting to it. I moved out and set up home with my kids, they see him often and we have an amicable relationship. Now here's the problem, I have a boyfriend of two years who is completely different to my ex, he's caring and considerate but he's not emotional or tactile. He's also quite happy with being on his own or with me but isn't interested in socialising with my friends or being part of my family, I only really see him the weekends I don't have the kids or maybe in the evening of the weekends when I do, but we do talk every day. Because of his shift work I don't see him during the week and nearly all the time I feel lonely. My problem is that I keep thinking back to the good times with my ex when I was much more content with my life. I don't know whether I still want to be with my ex, whether I just haven't managed to get closure on the end of our relationship, or whether my new boyfriend just isn't really right for me. It keeps making feel that I should split up with him and then I don't know whether I really want to. I am so confused that its making me very stressed and unhappy and I don't like being like this. I don't know what to do and I don't want to hurt him, he's been hurt before. I'm sorry this is quite rambling but its a bit like my head, any advice would be great as I think my friends are fed up with me saying the same thing over and over again. That I'm lonely and unhappy and feel I should split up but don't.