Very inconvenient attraction

[kailola]

I haven't posted here in years, but read the forum all the time, and this time I really need some anonymous, clearheaded advice. I apologize for the length in advance.

 

Just to give an idea of my life: I'm 23, study and teach biology, and apart from work, I don't do a whole lot else. I've never been very popular, nor attractive, so I've also never been in any kind of relationship with a girl, nor ever had a whole lot of real friends. Though I sometimes pride myself that I'm completely selfsufficient, and I've lived alone for a long time now. Sadly, such control is getting harder and harder every year as I've have my share of emotional problems, and have been fighting against the loneliness and occasional despair since puberty.

 

I met a couple of really descent and nice people during my years of study, who make me feel a lot better when I spend time with them. One of which is this incredibly sweet and caring girl, a couple years younger then me. She has an incredible spirit of living and her own unique style in virtually anything she does. She has a very beautiful body in a very natural kind of way, and has a smile to absolutely die for. And smile she does often.

 

I don't know why, but for the past weeks, we've spent a lot of afternoons together downtown, after class. Just having a cup of tea, or the occasional shopping. We talk a lot, about everything. Some days, we spent such a long time downtown, we even had dinner there, and spent the rest of the evening (and night) having drinks and conversations.

 

Needless to say, I've never experienced this kind of attention. And I'm not talking solely about the conversations. On occasion, our talks reached a level which I usely try to avoid, when she asks about my true feelings and my life. And on one particulair very weak moment a few weeks ago, I even managed to tell her how I loathe myself, and hardly sleep at night, because of that. She reacted with such incredible kindness; I still can't believe she choose to embrace me and to caress my shoulder for what seemed like an eternity, while comforting me with soothing words. I never experienced so many 'firsts' in one evening. And our relationship has been one of real honesty ever since.

 

But my problem is now one that I feared since the beginning: I'm really starting to like and care deeply for her and the time we spent together. I think about her all the time. I feel miserable when I'm not with her for some time. And it has been getting increasingly difficult to also not look at her in the physical sense and restrain my thoughts and behavior in that area. She has a boyfriend who is a nice, if not all too clever guy, but whom she is clearly crazy about.

 

I consider her my friend. basically the friend I've always wanted. But at the same time I feel like such an idiot and ashamed for not being satisfied with that. And a traitor for thinking about her in the way I inwardly do. And I'm so afraid that I'm a big egoistic pig with ulterior motives to spent time with her. Am I fooling myself? What if I can't distinguish between this attraction and perhaps my need for contact? This is driving me nuts. What have I gotten myself into. And what should I do now?

 

EDIT: In retrospect, this might be in the wrong forum. If it needs to be moved, please do.

[robowarrior]

You always miss if you never shoot right? Basically your in love with her, and mind you if she is single, id definitly give it a try. Because its a win win situation for you, if you ask her out and she says no, you can move on with your life and say to yourself 'at least i tried', if she says yes you got a date, simply put you can't hold out the situation longer, if you keep on denying your feelings you'd explode anyway. That she's moving towards you is a good sign, a sign that she isn't repelled of you. Ask her out, you'd be smacking your head for years if you don't grab your chance. If you don't want to be alone, you have to step towards the people, your choice.

[gfein347]

robowarrior, didn't the original poster say that this girl he's after already has a boyfriend?

[Dako]

She has a boyfriend who is a nice, if not all too clever guy, but whom she is clearly crazy about.

 

You must be incredibly lonely and find her attention irrestable, but you seem to know you must, or lose a valued friend. She has to know how you feel, unless you can hide the obvious.

 

Your post reminded me of a similar situation in my life, and I understand how painful it can be.

 

Good luck.

[robowarrior]

robowarrior, didn't the original poster say that this girl he's after already has a boyfriend?

 

he said 'meet a couple of people' didn't know wether to interpret that as a bunch of people or a bf-gf thing, besides its 5 am here nug , might have overread that.

[supernetter]

If i was you I will confess my true feelings for her. There is a risk of course to all this, she could shy away from you as her intentions was just to be friendly, or worse she takes pity on you.

 

Well, I would hate to live with myself with the "what ifs" in life..what if i had told her how i felt..what if i was brave enough...what if she leaves me?

 

Life is a crap shoot..u can only shoot the dice and prepare to lose your bet.

 

But can u afford not to take the chance?

[kailola]

Well, I'm realistic. I know there is zero chance of her ever being interested in a guy like me. Besides, I'm pretty sure she is reasonably happy with her boyfriend.

 

I'm just confused what I should do, what would be the least damaging to her. I don't want to hurt her at all costs. For all I know, I'm just fooling myself, and I don't feel anything 'real' for her, and I'm just thankful for her attention or perhaps it's only physical attraction...

 

I have no frame of reference.

[Dako]

"If you weren't involved with someone special, I could really make a fool of myself. As you must know, I find you very attractive."

 

Her reaction will resolve this.

[Survictor]

^^^ perfect.

[kailola]

I like that one, Dako. I would not lie, but would not shoot myself in the foot either. Obviously, I'd never bring this up myself, but if the opportunity arises, yeah, I could do this. Thanks.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think you could easily bring something like that up in conversation... and it would give you some relief and let her know your feelings, but not pressure her into feeling she had to reciprocate...

 

how about sometime if she brings up a little complaint about the boyfriend in conversation, you could always say something humorous, but true, like "Hey, if you ever decide you get tired of him and want a NICE boyfriend, I'm your man!"

 

...just find little ways of working your feelings into the conversations, and see what she says! she may not keep that boyfriend forever either...

 

the only caution would be if you fall for her so much you can't control your feelings, or the situation starts to depress you. then you might have to cool it with her a bit and expand your circle to include women who are free and available for dating...

[kailola]

Well, I could, I suppose. But I think that would be annoying to her and/or scare her away. But she is not interested in me, nor do I want her to break up with her boyfriend, as I'm sure that would really hurt her. So after all, perhaps be best to just keep quiet.

[arrrrffff]

She has a BOYFRIEND. You should NOT be pursuing her. I know you like her, but she is unavailable right now. I think it's immoral to try to woo her away from her partner.

 

You said it yourself: "She has a boyfriend who is a nice, if not all too clever guy, but whom she is clearly crazy about."

 

How would you feel if you were that boyfriend and she broke up with you?

 

Your friends, nothing more should come out of it until she is available again.

[kailola]

yes, I said that.

[sydneybean84]

Do you have these feelings for her because she is the first woman to give you this type of attention/affection, or because you TRULY see something magnificent in her? Do you consider you feelings at this point in time to be worth the risk of losing most supportive friendship you have ever had? Also, your feelings of depression when you are not with her, as well as your feelings of self-loathing read as slightly manic....(have you seen a therapist? it helps greatly, TRUST ME) You sound like a wonderful person,(she thinks so as well or else she would'nt spend as much time with you as she does..) Tread carefully, think things out and be logical....What would your ideal end result be with this woman? Would the expression of your desires make things prematurely awkward? How do you really think she feels about you? Best of Luck Hun.....Follow you heart.....

[kailola]

Thanks,

 

You ask exactly the questions I've been asking myself over and over again...and I so much wish I knew the answers.

She is magnificent, there is no doubt about that. I had the courage the ask her to go out and see a movie together yesterday, and she agreed, and it really was a very pleasant evening. But as you say, afterwards, I just wish I could explain my elated feelings. Because of her, or because I can't see the difference between friendliness and attraction?

 

As for if I wish to risk this friendship for the sake of my feelings, no, I don't. I'd feel terrible if for instance she would no longer wish to spend time with me, talk with me, smile to me, etc.

 

Over the years, I've had several intake-sessions with professionals, but they and I always conclude the same: my level of self reflection and extreme self control considering my own actions and emotions don't warrant any further help. Strange, but well...they're the professionals.

 

It just boils down to the same thing every time. I know I'm likely deluding myself with any thoughts towards any kind of future we might have, and especially when taking into considering her well being, I shouldn't be in her future in the first place. She likely considers me to be somewhat of a friend. And that is all.

 

But the tiny tiny thought of hope that she might be different...it's terrible.

[Juliana]

Well, I don't know about the therapists conclusion, but it's fairly obvious the mistake you're making at this stage in your life: Pursuing the unattainable.

 

Do not do this.

 

There is such a thing as "casual dating." You can see other women, take them to dinner, movies, go for walks, and not become deeply involved with them. It's a little trickier than uninhibited dating, but it can be done.

 

I would hate to see you lose the friendship of this woman whom you so admire, but on the other hand, I also think your self-esteem is going to get pulverized playing second-fiddle to her boyfriend.

 

I think you should capitalize on the self-confidence you have right now from having formed this great friendship, and use it to springboard into a better dating life. Keep her as a friend, but focus your romantic attention elsewhere. Who knows; in a year's time, she may still be a great friend, but you may be falling deeply in love with a woman you met after you met her. It can happen.

[kailola]

Yeah, you're probably right. Although I so fervently wish things could be different, if only just this once.

 

Anyway, thanks a lot, all. Appreciate it.