is he abusive enough to warrant leaving?

[lakegoddess]

First time on this forum....first time on any relationship forum...at my wits end. I am 28 and engaged. Got engaged last year and haven't set a date yet. Have been with him for 7 years. Left him 3 years ago for 2 months because I thought he was abusive to me. I went and got some couselling and he went a few times too. We got back together and he said that he was sorry and had changed. Then he started to say that he isn't abusive and that I cause him to be this angry because I'm fat and say I'm going to lose weight and then I don't. Abuse used to be just name calling and putting me down and throwing stuff....but then it started to escalate a little....threatening me with a knife, throwing stuff at me, pretending to choke me....and lately it's been pushing me more, and he hit my arm in the car so hard he left a nasty bruise and really hurt.

I keep promising to lose weight (I lost 60 pounds last year and was down to 160 and that's when he proposed)...but when I started to gain the weight back he put off planning the wedding.

He just puts me down all the time, embarrassed to be seen with me....It's all too much. I left him once and came back...

Writing this and reading it back I realise that I sound pathetic....my question I guess is I know that I have a weight problem....but I know that I can get that under control, as for him....I wonder if I'll ever feel okay towards him. When I'm skinnier he's nicer....but last year I was 160 and looking great...yet I just had so much resentment towards him.

I'm scared of him a lot. I'm scared he won't change.

Has anyone had someone like him completely change? Can I make it work with him? I'm scared I'm too old now to start looking for someone else...

Any advice would help.

Thanks.

[rocio]

You have to decide if you want a lifetime of being put down by him. It's your choice. The chances are really small that he will change.

[blender]

NO he will NOT change, he will only "reveal" more of his true abusive self, and it will get way worse once you are married. YOU can not "cure" him of himself... this is HIS life pattern, it has nothing to do with you, negative or positive, fat or skinny, perfect or imperfect, HE will always project his self loathing onto the person who chooses to be his "doormat" so please do NOT CHOOSE to keep this man in your life, with "HOPES" OF WHO he MIGHT become... that is not a reality, that is a vulnerable, co-dependent, rescue type female fantasy, and it will lead to your worst nightmare.

 

What you described in your post is a classic abuser, and it will only get worse after marriage, HAVE ENOUGH SELF RESPECT TO SAVE YOURSELF, AND WALK THROUGH THE PAIN OF LETTING GO, so you can have the "opportunity" to find REAL happiness, in yourself and in a mature, kind, respectful, emotionally healthy man.. this is NOT thee guy.. trust this, he's not going to get any better.. YOU are powerless over his life pattern, and deep rooted issues.. let him go.. and get your "self" back.

 

do this safely, make a plan for yourself, do not tell him this when you are alone with him, be careful, and take care of you...

[blender]

P.S. just take a realistic look at the title of your post:

 

"Is he abusive enough to warrant leaving?"

 

ugh.. did you ever imagine when you were a little girl that you'd be "okay" with "some abuse"? ABUSIVE ENOUGH????

 

I'm so sorry you are in an emotional place where you would even consider staying in this relationship, but I do understand how your sense of self gets lost, when you are with an abuser..

 

Become a woman you yourself can admire, and please find some help so you can leave this guy.. please, I watched my sister marry this exact type of man.. it was horrible, and she kept thinking she "loved him" and could "help him" and could "walk on eggshells" enough so HE would be "okay with her"..... this worse then being in prison... so please think this through be honest with yourself...

[agent1607307371]

He will not change, from what you describe he is actually escalating. First he was sorry, then he has not problem - you are the problem. He started off verbally abusing then physically threatening and now physically abusive. I am scared that he will use that knife for something other than threats.

 

You can't make it work because as far as he is concerned, it is working. You are in his "power" and are taking all the responsibilty.

 

Weight problem or not, he has no right to treat you like that. He has attached himself to your self-esteem and is using it to leach your strength from you.

 

And you don't sound pathetic - you are in a difficult situation. Many women in abusive relationships go back because they have been programmed to believe that that is all they deserve. Don't be afraid to ask for help, there are people who love you who will support you 1000%.

 

ETA - have just seen your age and you are not old at all. In fact all the best years of your life are ahead of you. Don't spend them in fear, pandering to a bully. You deserve to find someone who will love and cherish you just for being you. That person is out there.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA lakegoddess! Great to have you around here.

 

I...can't believe I'm reading this. This is a disgusting situation you are in. Wow...it pretty much speaks for itself. Read it again as if you were reading someone else's post here. What would you think about it if you were on the outside? What would you say to your best friend if she were in this situation?

 

Now, I don't know how much clearer it can get that you should get yourself the hell out of this situation yesterday. This guy wouldn't change if he were chemically castrated and beaten with the butt end of a shotgun...even though doing such wouldn't be beneath what he deserves I'd say. That is very, very obvious.

 

The deeper question and issue here is why are you subjecting yourself to this abuse and torture? Why have you stayed in this for so long? What do you think the true roots of this relationship are based on?

[heartlessromantic]

Honestly, words mean nothing. What actions has he taken to show you that he is trying to change? Is he in therapy? Is he reading books on anger management, etc? It doesn't sound like it.

 

He seems very fixated on your weight and wants things to be a certain way. It makes me wonder why he even started dating you in the first place if he wants you to be something else. He seems to be very frustrated that you have not been able to keep your "promise" to lose weight and is having trouble expressing his frustration.

 

But don't let all this distract you from the real issue. He has demonstrated abusive behavior and it seems to be escalating. You have to address this with him or leave the relationship.

[blender]

These are not "tendancies", this is who he is, an abusive man, who will treat any woman this same way, no matter how fat, skinny, perfect, imperfect, smart, dumb, educated, uneducated, it won't matter, because he's projecting his own self loathing onto whomever is in his life... he will NOT change.. he will NOT change, he will NOT change...

 

the only thing that can change here is YOU, and I hope and pray you find the courage and self respect to safely leave this relationship behind you, learn from it and move on...

[luvursmile]

This guy seems very abusive. You should get out now! What should it matter, fat or skinny or what not. If he loved you, he WOULD NOT be putting you down. This is typical behavior of a man who is soooo insecure of himself, that he has to put other people down to make himself feel better. Additionally, this is his way to lower YOUR self-esteem into thinking that YOU are actually lucky to have him, to have any man at all for that matter, based on what he says to you.

Nobody deserves this kind of abuse...and Im not even going to get into the whole hitting you & pulling a knife on you...I think that speaks for itself.

[laboheme]

Everybody else has said it already. You deserve better.

 

You gave this guy a chance when you got back together with him, and he blew it. He doesn't deserve any more chances from you. What he is doing is not okay. And if he's that picky about your weight, what will happen if one day down the road you're pregnant??? I don't even want to think about the risk to you and the baby.

 

You're never too old to find someone who will treat you like you ought to be treated. Heck, people fall in love and get married in their 70s! And you deserve somebody who doesn't reconsider his feelings for you because of weight fluctuations...

 

It will be incredibly hard to let go of a 7 year relationship, but you owe it to yourself and your happiness to do it. Best wishes to you! *hugs*

[fnlyfrei]

Um...wow. Likes you better skinnier eh? Well, my ex husband liked me better and treated me better when I was thinner...so I lost lots of weight, got into awesome shape and realized that when I lost weight and felt good about myself he suddenly did not seem good enough for me. So I left him. This guy would probably freak out if you were suddenly full of self-esteem...weight or no weight lost. He is the insecure one. If you did get into string bikini shape..he would lock you in a closet. Get away from him...he probably knows already you are too good for him. Prove him right.

[luvursmile]

Um...wow. Likes you better skinnier eh? Well, my ex husband liked me better and treated me better when I was thinner...so I lost lots of weight, got into awesome shape and realized that when I lost weight and felt good about myself he suddenly did not seem good enough for me. So I left him. This guy would probably freak out if you were suddenly full of self-esteem...weight or no weight lost. He is the insecure one. If you did get into string bikini shape..he would lock you in a closet. Get away from him...he probably knows already you are too good for him. Prove him right.

 

Thats EXACTLY right! He KNOWS you are too good for him!

[fnlyfrei]

Not to mention, that if any man shoved, pushed, kicked, slapped or even entertained the thought...of hurting me...he would be missing whatever part of his body he extended to do me any harm. And mentally..that is even worse...its freaking poisonous! Plug your ears and don't listen to his lies ! Or better yet...invite ME over !

[friscodj]

Hey lakegoddess-

 

I think it's been established you need to get out of this ASAP. For us, this is relatively easy to see but do you see this? Do you believe you need to get out of this ASAP?

 

Advice in a crisis situation like this is only going to be useful if you use it. So where are you at with all of this?

 

The next steps here are building a support system, family, friends, perhaps one or more male friends that would be willing to physically protect you, and development of a plan to get the police involved. Then just do it and block everything else out. Expect this to be very hard to do and expect all sorts of attempts on his part to keep you around, including very persuasive manipulative tactics (like the "I've changed I swear and I love you" business he pulled before) and maybe more abuse. That's why you need a foundation of your belief that getting out is absolutely the right thing to be able to break free.

 

But before you commence with the execution of a plan to get out of this (not the execution of him, prison is no good...even though you're already in one...), you have to see and believe in this.

[lakegoddess]

wow....I'm overcome here. I see that my "inner" voice is the one that I should listen to. I feel wrong in this relationship. I feel like my life has amounted to nothing and with him I feel that it never will. I'm scared of not being strong enough to leave. Yes I know I have to. I feel like a failure. It's constant fighting now....and I'm starting to lose it. I don't think I've ever felt so low. God this is hard. My whole life is him. I know I can crash at my parents for as long as I want. I really don't care if I lose all my stuff. I just want to be someone else....

[friscodj]

wow....I'm overcome here. I see that my "inner" voice is the one that I should listen to. I feel wrong in this relationship. I feel like my life has amounted to nothing and with him I feel that it never will. I'm scared of not being strong enough to leave. Yes I know I have to. I feel like a failure. It's constant fighting now....and I'm starting to lose it. I don't think I've ever felt so low. God this is hard. My whole life is him. I know I can crash at my parents for as long as I want. I really don't care if I lose all my stuff. I just want to be someone else....

 

This is good, great, actually, that you see the situation for what it is and feel you need to get out of it.

 

Your whole life is him now but it will be 1000 times better without him. I absolutely guarantee it. It will suck and it will be hard for a while, i.e., temporary, but believe that down the road, getting out of this and away from this man is going to be the best thing that has ever happened to you, i.e., permanent.

 

Getting out of this is going to be your Shawshank Redemption, even though you may have to crawl through a sewer or two to get away from a sewer of a situation and a sewer of a person to reach the promised land of freedom and true happiness, something that has been long overdue in your life for a long time. It will feel like heaven.

 

It sounds like you are at or close to the proverbial "breaking point" with this, a key place to be able to act on what you know you have to do. Now you can start planning how to do it and remember you have people here and physically in your life who will be with you every step of the way.

[rocio]

I feel like my life has amounted to nothing and with him I feel that it never will.

 

The time you've spent with him has made you smarter. Now you know what you are looking for in a man (or NOT looking for).

 

You likely have rough times ahead. Just remember that you are your own best friend. You will come out stronger in the end.

 

I just want to be someone else....

 

You're already everything you need to be. It's in there somewhere. And you are sooooo young. You can take all the time you need to stand on your own two feet before going out and finding the right guy for you.

[blender]

Lakegoddess, go to: link removed scroll down and read the excerpt from the chapter entitled: "Feeling like you have to stay". I believe you will find so many answers from the author Richard Skerritt.

[Bethany]

He knows your weakness, your achilles heal, and uses it to hurt and control you. A loving man would never do that to you honey.

 

Truth of the matter is, his man is a bully and you are the 'fat kid' in school he bullies, and I don't think that will ever change.

 

Don't let him do that to you for one minute longer than necessary.Go stay with your parents, they love you like he will never do.

[Aurian]

I left an abusive relationship. He put these demands on me and made me feel bad that I wasn't good enough, just like yours is doing about your weight. Thing is, its always SOMETHING that isn't good enough. That is how they excuse their behaviour (I am improving her) and also make themselves feel good (she isn't good enough, isn't she lucky to be with me?), and perhaps something to do with their insecurity (She's too good for me... I better make sure she is too insecure to leave!).

 

Mine first demanded that I be more independent from my family

Did that.

 

Then demanded that I be more open with my feelings.

Did that.

 

Then demanded that I shut up about my feelings.

Did that.

 

Then said my self-esteem was shoddy and demanded that I improve it.

Did that.

 

Then said I was overly emotional and demanded that I fix it.

Did that.

 

Then said I was just insane and needed counselling.

Did that.

 

I thought he just wanted to improve me, so despite how bad his browbeating made me feel, I swallowed the hurt and pain, listened to him, trusted him and worked HARD at making myself better. Then started in on my weight. And about my choice of hobbies. And about seeing my parents period. And about my work. And about my "dedication" to him.

 

*snap*

 

Nothing I did was ever good enough. There would always be SOMETHING he can rip into me for, because we are all human and we all have our weak points.

 

Honey, it never stops. You can run yourself ragged, but nothing will ever please him. It is HIM that has to change, and abusers virtually never change. I was so scared to be alone too, but I am so much happier and secure in myself since I divorced my abuser.

 

link removed This is a great site if you're wondering about whether he is abusive. However, we can all tell you that he is not treating you well at all and he IS abusive. Don't marry him, it will be a mistake. Listen to your brain (the heart gets clingy with all these emotions). Would you recommend that a friend stay in this situation? Do you think it is okay for him to treat you like this? (Or if you're feeling low about yourself... is it okay for YOU to treat someone else like this?).

[lakegoddess]

I left him last night. Am at my parents. told them everything. They are saying to leave him. He is begging me to come back....saying he will go to counselling...but he wants me to come to. I kept thinking about what everyone here has told me and this is keeping me strong. I'm scared of caving and going back.... I am sick to my stomach...I'm shaking....I know I'm doing the right thing....I just have to stay strong.

[luvursmile]

Good for you! Im soooo happy to hear you took our advice, hun. Be strong. It will be hard, and he will promise you the world, but do not cave in! You deserve better than that creep. He will never change.

We're all here for you anytime!

[friscodj]

I left him last night. Am at my parents. told them everything. They are saying to leave him. He is begging me to come back....saying he will go to counselling...but he wants me to come to. I kept thinking about what everyone here has told me and this is keeping me strong. I'm scared of caving and going back.... I am sick to my stomach...I'm shaking....I know I'm doing the right thing....I just have to stay strong.

 

Wow, I am beyond impressed that you did this! So fast! Excellent!

 

Now, expect this guy to bring every trick in the book to try to get you back where he wants you. Leaving was only the first step, this situation is not over yet. Expect different angles, begging, pleading, tears, pulling the "Why are you doing this to me?" and "There's no need to be immature and rude by walking away, we have so much history together", and things like this. Don't even listen to voice messages, read emails, anything. If you do, read it all as manipulation and block it out. Then expect some anger, maybe he'll do something regarding your stuff (which you need to get out of there ASAP if you haven't already done so), anything of yours he can control. Expect him to bring the big guns to try and get you back in controlling and manipulative ways.

 

Also, do not equate your feelings of being sick to your stomach, missing him, the separation anxiety, and the illusions of doubt, anguish, loneliness, etc. that grief will generate with "I made a mistake, we belong together". It's tough now but it may get tougher. Ingrain yourself in your support system, physically in your life and here on ENA.

 

Expect this to be one of, if not the, hardest thing you've ever had to go through in your life. Keep believing and staying strong no matter what. Again, nice job getting yourself out of there.

[rocio]

Hang around for a while. The folks in the forum are generally very supportive and give great advice.

 

 

I'm proud of you.

[agent1607307371]

Wow. Just the speed with which you left shows that you were ready, don't let him undermine you!

 

Think of it like breaking a heroin habit - your body is going through detox. Painful now but better for you that a habit that will kill you.

 

Stay strong, we are all here for you.