I'm trying so hard but I CAN'T move on

[keepdreaming]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now, and a few months ago I found out he'd been cheating on me since the START. I had always been a little nervous about him being unfaithful because he had just come out of a serious relationship and I knew that his ex was still very much in love with him. She was very unstable when they broke up and I knew how easily he could cheat on me with her if he wanted. I guess it was my own fault for trusting him so easily... I knew she was texting him and I knew they still called each other a lot but I kind of made my own excuses for it because I wanted to believe him that they were done. I had really fallen for this guy and I didn't want to be wrong about him. Well, in the end, I was wrong about him and I guess I learned my lesson big time.

After I found out I talked to his ex-girlfriend about it because I wanted to know the full story and I wasn't sure if he was giving me all the details. He did some horrible things. He promised her all the same things he was promising me... telling her that in the end he wanted to be with her and marry her and that he still loved her and missed her. I asked her, well if he felt this way then why wasn't he with you, why was he with me? She didn't have an answer but I realized he knew that if he told her those things then he could have both of us. Have his cake and eat it too.

My problem now is trying to move on... I try soooo hard to be strong and leave him but I just CAN'T. Other than the fact that he cheated on me, he really is my perfect match. And it's not only me that sees it...my friends, family.. everyone. I'm so, so in love but I feel like the whole situation is just tearing me apart. At times I get so angry about what happened that I want to leave him, but when it comes down to actually doing it I just can't. I talk to him about this and of course he'll beg me not to and say he's learned and how much of a mistake he made... but I just feel like I'll never be able to believe him or trust him ever again. I'm not the type of person that just gets over something like this. It's been about 4 months since I found out and I can't even count how many times I've tried to get up and go... I feel like now he doesn't even take it seriously when I say I can't do it anymore. He knows I'll listen to what he says and come back. I wish I was stronger. I really need help, does anyone have any kind of advice because I feel like I'm not doing anything right

[Jayar]

The best advice I can give is for you to pretend that YOU are your best friend, and HE is your best friend's boyfriend... What would you tell your best friend to do? Now, considering that, do you at least love yourself as much as your best friend?

 

You don't want him... You are scared that you won't find better. Believe me it isn't hard to do better than someone that abuses your trust and makes you question your self worth. I thought my ex was my perfect match. On paper, he was. We loved all the same things, disliked all the same things, were never at a loss for conversation, and I could have happily spent a lifetime just being with him... Yup, except for the fact that he dumped me because he didn't love me, he was perfect! See doesn't that sound silly?

 

So in your case you can imagine how silly it sounds for you to say "except for the lying and betrayal he's just perfect for me!"

 

Get the book "He's Just Not That Into You" and then ALSO get the book "Be Honest, You're Not That Into Him Either". Great reads and they'll help put your mind back into a position to drop this loser like a bad habit and make yourself available for the one you REALLY deserve.

[thegirl_00]

I'm so sorry to hear about this. That guy is a real jerk. I also just found out that my boyfriend cheated on me, he had been hiding it from me for 5 months and i just found out 5 days ago. It hurts SOO badly, and moving on is definitly the hardest part.

 

Anyone who cheats defiintly ISN'T your perfect match, and if your friends and family are telling you this after he cheated on you they are very foolish. You are better then this guy, WAY better. You need to let him know that and do w/e you can do avoid him and move on. By telling him how much he hurt you and how much your still not over him, its only going to give him the upper hand and let him think that he can get away with this again.

[keepdreaming]

Yes, it does look silly when I put it into perspective. My perfect match except for the lies... that doesn't make any sense. I do know this and I have known this it's just getting the strength to pick up my things and leave for good is what I don't know how to do. I try and try and try but he always has a way of changing my mind and making me reconsider. Since the cheating happened he has treated me very well and he's made a big effort to fix the problem but I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him again. Today we had a long talk about things and he claims that he needed something like this to happen to straighten him out and to make him realize what he had with me... I just don't know if this is sincere.

[yeawutever]

If he was cheating on you from the start, then that's good enough reason to dump him, wow what a LOSER!!!!!!!!

[Rabican]

Other than the fact that he cheated on me, he really is my perfect match. .

 

 

Im sure hitler was a great guy other than killing millions of people. Stalin, cheating spouses... My point is that you cant selectively have someones good traits, and not the bad. YOu cant have 'other than' you can only have what is. SO make a descision can you live with what is, maybe never trusting him fully, knowing he cheated etc. knowing he played you, played his ex, and played who knows who else. If so, give it another chance. But dont fool yourself thinking hes perfect if only you could nitpick all of his good and bad qualities to make him what you want him to be. He is what he is, its possible he could change, its possible you could work it out with him... just look at the whole picture before making any choices.

[candy604]

he's not ur perfect match girl. If he's cheated and doesn't see why its serious, you've got someone that doesnt' respect you and probably won't be faithful to you even if you do get married. Cheating is a big deal and it does cause alot of problems ( eg. trust issues etc..). Man cheating from the start..that's bad and he hid it from you too.

 

So thiink about it, if he cheats again, he'll just treat u better again to resolve the problem? could end up like a viscous cycle.

 

was this cheating emotional or physical?

[Hope75]

Yes, it does look silly when I put it into perspective. My perfect match except for the lies... that doesn't make any sense. I do know this and I have known this it's just getting the strength to pick up my things and leave for good is what I don't know how to do. I try and try and try but he always has a way of changing my mind and making me reconsider. Since the cheating happened he has treated me very well and he's made a big effort to fix the problem but I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him again. Today we had a long talk about things and he claims that he needed something like this to happen to straighten him out and to make him realize what he had with me... I just don't know if this is sincere.

 

In my experience, someone who is a 'perfect match' is someone who treats you with love, respect and consideration. I don't really see that in someone who cheated on you from day 1. This was't just a brief one time fling for which he was profusely sorry and confessed immediately and saw the error in his ways... this continued from the moment you were together up until you caught him.

 

Honey, this guy loves himself, but not you, or his ex.

 

The sad part is that you will not get the love, respect and consideration you deserve as long as you stay with him. You have the power to demand that respect by removing people from your life who hurt you and treat you with disrespect. But unless you take action to do that- it isn't going to happen.

 

I hope you realize sooner rather than later that you are worth much more than this.

[keepdreaming]

Yes you guys are right... it's just hard. I'm so sad all the time and I don't want to let him go. I don't understand how someone can lie for so long! It makes me angry and then sad and then angry and it never ends!! I really thought he was the one for me and I thought everything was going to end up the way we both said we wanted (obviously he didn't want that). It's also frustrating to know that the ex is just waiting there for him to come back, she's been waiting for almost a year. When I end it, he'll just go right back to her and it makes me so angry. I want him and I can't have him the way I want. I feel used and I feel stupid

[Souffle]

I want him and I can't have him the way I want. I feel used and I feel stupid

 

That has to be the worst thing about all of this. It makes you feel stupid and embarrassed when you did nothing wrong! You aren't stupid, he is stupid.

 

 

 

[Hope75]

Yes you guys are right... it's just hard. I'm so sad all the time and I don't want to let him go. I don't understand how someone can lie for so long! It makes me angry and then sad and then angry and it never ends!! I really thought he was the one for me and I thought everything was going to end up the way we both said we wanted (obviously he didn't want that). It's also frustrating to know that the ex is just waiting there for him to come back, she's been waiting for almost a year. When I end it, he'll just go right back to her and it makes me so angry. I want him and I can't have him the way I want. I feel used and I feel stupid

 

Sometimes the hardest thing about a situation like this is admitting to ourselves that our gut instinct on this one was wrong. I was in a similar situation a long time ago and that was very difficult. I remember thinking, "How could I possibly have let this happen? How could I have not seen it coming?"

 

But you know that you are not at fault, and sometimes we just do not see it coming, and it does happen. But that is a bad reflection on HIM... not on you.

 

Ask yourself a hard question: do you EVER see yourself being able to get past this and be happy with him and trust him?

 

Is he giving you that effort? Are you working together on this?

 

There is no shame in admitting that this is not something that you can forgive, forget, and get past. Some people cannot- and that is to be expected. But think about that and try to give yourself a realistic, honest answer.

 

And then come back and tell us what you came up with.

[blindfold]

if he has cheated on you FROM THE START with his ex, does that still make him your perfect match? i don't think so...

[keepdreaming]

I'm not sure if I will ever be able to get over this. It hurts so much that he was going behind my back for such a long time.

 

I had a long talk with him today and I got so frustrated because he isn't able to give me answers on WHY he did it. I feel like if there is an actual reason for his answers it will help me move on... but he won't give me one and it's making me go insane.

So while he was at work I decided to try this Google Desktop thing that everyones been talking about and WOW I found some pretty crazy conversations. There were tons of them with his guy friends telling them how much he screwed up and how he wanted to change and he was dumb for so long. He told them he was never going to be around his EX anymore and they were all making fun of him calling him whipped and stuff but he was like I'm not drinking around her I want nothing to do with her. He told them what he told me that this whole experience made him realize how much I meant to him and how he needed to change. I don't know what to think of this... I mean I know what he did was wrong but do you think it's possible that he really has changed? Or is this part of the guilt he feels? Once I'm over it will he just go back and continue his normal scumbag ways?

I don't know what to think anymore.

[keepdreaming]

I even found a conversation with one of his friends that was asking if there was anything else he did wrong to me because he wanted to fess up everything and come clean with it all. His friend called him crazy and then thought it was me on his SN. I don't know if this is just him feeling really, really guilty though

[Hope75]

I think the fact that you feel the need to spy on him shows that you do not trust him and are still suspicious and that just does not make for a healthy relationship.

 

No one wants to be in a relationship where they constantly feel the need to watch their partner for suspicious behavior and look for evidence that their actions and words do not match.

 

I am sorry to say that even if this guy did change his ways (and I am not sure that he would- this affair went on for a long time...) that you would ever be able to get past it and truly be happy and trusting with him.

 

If I were you, I would end this- because it's not a happy, healthy or respectful relationship when there is so much mistrust and betrayal between the two of you.

 

I hate to see you this miserable with him rather than to go it alone and get back your self respect and start fresh.

[sydneybean84]

This guy is a bonafide loser, girl! I know from personal experience how hard it is to untangle yourself from someone when your family and friends all know and adore him, and when you really feel like you have made a lot of emotional sacrifices for someone....The thing is at this point he has no respect for you. You have clearly shown him that you are not going anywhere...surprise him! Unfortunately a lot of men need boundaries, they want to be shown what you will and will not accept. At this point he thinks anything is fair game! Cut those emotional ties hun, regardless of how your friends and family feel about him, YOU are the one with him, and if he does'nt know how to act, FIND SOMEONE WHO DOES!!

[meantime]

Letting go of the one you love even after they have cheated on you seems so painful and impossible, but it won't get any better for you. Maybe you are not ready to let go but eventually you will get tired of being emotionally exhausted and you will find your way.