Souffle

First of all your boyfriend is a man, he doesn't know anything about women. It is a stereotype that women gush blood when they first have sex. When I had sex for the first time, I didn't bleed either! It hurt because it was the first time, but I didn't bleed. It took three weeks of sexual intercourse until I bled, and it was only a small pin thumb print size. Sometimes it takes a while for the hyman to break. Sometimes it stretches and stretches and by the time it is broken, it is so stretched out that it only bleeds a small amount. Also, do you ride horses? Because sometimes the hyman will dissipate if you horseback ride. My guess is that because my boyfriend was very very gentle, I didn't bleed right away. I am not an expert, but I think the less gentle, the more blood. Hopefully he was gentle with you! And even, let's just say, if you weren't a virgin, so what? Hopefully he isn't an and is getting all upset about it.

That has to be the worst thing about all of this. It makes you feel stupid and embarrassed when you did nothing wrong! You aren't stupid, he is stupid.

I know many people who's relationships suddenly seemed to get better for a little while after everything was out in the open, but slowly and painfully, the infidelity took its toll and they eventually ended it. Definitely go to marriage counseling, at least do that. Best of luck to you, try to follow what is best for YOU.

You are right, it isn't over. I found an English speaking marriage counselor and we are meeting her this Saturday. We will definitely talk about this. Sadly, he has a password on his computer which he is very protective of. If he even goes to the bathroom, he'll log out so I can't see anything. It is a good idea to email her as well and let her know what contacting him would do. Thank you for the good advice!

Yeah! Actually I have been asking him to do that for a year now. He finally agreed to try it! Now the only challenge is finding someone who can speak English fluently AND has a western style approach to counseling. He also started studying the language and agreed to meet other people (at last!).

Scout- I tried repeatedly to get him to meet my male friends, but he insisted on meeting other people when he said he felt like it and said I shouldn't force him. I was very quiet and serious when I arrived home. He knew something was up. I said "Talking isn't working so I'm only going to say this once, stop talking to karen or get out." (I wrote this on paper to make sure I didn't get confused and too sad to remember what to say) At first he kept asking me "why are you doing this?" to which I would reply "we've been talking about this for weeks, stop talking to Karen or get out". Then he seemed to realise that I was serious and ready to kick him out and he sat on the floor quietly. After 10 minutes of silence he asked me if I honestly thought I could trust him if he said that he will stop talking to Karen. The fact that he asked me that felt like a good sign. He agreed to stop talking to her but asked me that if I ever feel comfortable/ trust him again in the future, to allow him to open up contact with her again. Despite telling him that I didn't think that would ever happen, he sent the tramp an email saying good-bye "for now." (He sent me a copy of the email) At least he agreed to stop contact with her until we are no longer together (or in the unlikely event that I say it is "ok"). I might never get over his cruel behavior in this affair, but now it feels like we have a chance to deal with other issues fairly.

You are absolutely right. I will give him that choice tonight.

Thank you for the excellent links Scout and Kermit. This is our first marriage so that information is helpful. I've already tried to tell him that it isn't real and that he is escaping his problems through her, but he won't listen. He gets defensive and shuts himself up. I've been saying over and over again that I can't live like this anymore. It isn't fair to me, no one should have to live like this. I am paranoid all the time (what is he doing? what is he saying to her?) and our relationship is going to end eventually (and very badly) if he keeps this up. I won't continue to support his existence while he keeps up this charade. When I come home after work, I'll ask him one last time to choose. If he won't choose, he has chosen her and he has to get out. He already has a no-date return ticket to his parent's house in England. He has no money, I currently control everything we have, he'll have to borrow money from his parents to get back to the US (and Karen).

Infidelity is so sad an embarrassing; I feel that there is no one I can talk to about this so I am here on the Internet, asking strangers for advice. I have been currently living abroad for 5 months. My husband of three years joined me after I had been living here for two months. He is going through culture shock and is refusing to adjust. He does not have a job and never leaves the house. He refuses to learn the country’s language to help him assimilate; he refuses to meet any of my new friends. He keeps his computer on and sleeping schedule on US time. (We are living in a 14-hour time difference). He spends all day chatting online with my friend Karen. The only thing he talks about is Karen. We are going though some serious marriage issues right now (in-laws, money, etc). While discussing these new and serious issues, he told me that he wasn’t sure if he loved me like he ought to. He said that he did not feel a connection. I confronted him about his spending time with Karen, he said he felt a connection with her and was feeling “confused” about her. That terrified me right away and I told him to break contact. I told him that he was spending way too much time with her online and it was preventing him from assimilating to living in this country.(I should add that he calls her "sweetie" and "honey" and ends conversations with "love you, miss you".) Also, I told him that instead of coming to me when he has problems, he comes to her. Instead of trying to fix what is going on with us now, I am afraid that a new sparkling relationship with Karen is more attractive. He replied with “I can control my feelings, it will not develop further. She has nothing to do with our relationship. Don’t use this to not talk about the other issues. ” I said that although he might not be having actual sex with her, he was flirting with disaster and he was cheating emotionally. I said that this was the most dangerous issue right now and it had to be resolved immediately before we could concentrate on other issues: choose Karen or me. He refused to choose. He said that he could not “hurt Karen like that.” I emailed Karen and told her that my husband was having feelings for her and to please stop communicating with him. She replied with “I am not going to choose between you two. I consider you two my good friends. It looks like you have chosen already for me” and chose to continue to talk to him instead of me. I felt that was a betrayal. She was my friend first and she must have feelings for him too if she is chose him over me. For two weeks, I have been waking up crying and falling asleep crying, trying not to cry at work. He can see that I am in pain, but says that I am doing it to myself. That I am making a big deal out of nothing. He is angry with me for “abandoning Karen” and for trying to split him from her. I said that she was a bad friend, that she broke the golden rules of friendship and he said that I was pushing him closer to her by trash talking her. “(Sweet innocent beautiful) Karen has said nothing bad about you” when in fact, she has. She has been playing childish games, telling him bad untruthful things about me (ex// “she dated more people before you than she says.” ) I also tried to get them both on video chat to discuss this problem. She refused to do so saying that she was afraid I would yell at her! It is a terrible situation. She is obviously in love with him and wants him. I am crying all the time and try to talk to him but he refuses to bend. I know in my heart that what he is doing with her is wrong. He is hurting me, he is not respecting me by continuing this relationship with her. He refuses to choose between us. What should I do?