Gal I dated is obsessed with me...

[bsp_kjm]

Hi all, didnt exactly know where to post this...

 

I went on a date with a 21 year old gal about a month ago and it was pretty nice. Just coffee and chatting. Nice gal, didnt really talk much. As the date came to an end, she invited herself over to my place. I didnt think much of it. We sat down and watched a movie at my place and she made a move on me. Next thing I know, we have had sex and she's laying there in my bed, asking what my last name was. The sex was emotionless and I was a bit shocked about what had just happened. She eventually excuses herself and heads home.

 

Next day, the gal calls me up and wants to meet again at the coffee place for another date. She felt we didnt get to talk much about eachother. So I arrive at the coffee place at the designated time and an hour passes and she never shows. I call her cell and leave a voicemail.

 

Next day, she emails me stating she is sorry about the previous night and will explain it in person. She asks me to a dinner date and I agree.

 

I arrive at the diner she suggests and wait. 2 hours later, I'm still sitting at my table with a glass of water and the cell phone at my ear. Again, just get her voicemail.

 

Next day, she emails me, saying she's sorry and will explain in person. She says she will come over to my place tonight with something special around 9pm. I stay up till midnight and she never shows, doesnt call, and doesnt pick up her cell.

 

Next day, she arrives at my place at 9am, apologizing and coming up with some just plain wacky excuses for the last couple nights. I tell her its no biggie and she insists that she make it up to me by taking me to dinner. We finally go to dinner that night and come back to my place where we have sex again.

 

The day after, she starts calling me her boyfriend and telling me things like "I love you" and "Will you be with me forever?" I'm startled and tell her things are moving too quickly. She becomes infuriated and tells me that since we had sex, we are in love and will get married. I dont even know what to say and just tell her I have to leave for work. She leaves and then proceeds to call me up to 10 times that day, leaving me random voicemails about how much she loves me and couldnt live without me. She also text messaged me constantly. This goes on for about a week. I then tell her to please calm down and that she is moving too fast. She becomes very mad and tells me that she is dieing from cancer and how could I break her heart when she was dieing from cancer. I dont even know what to say and just tell her I'm sorry but she needs to calm down. She hangs up on me and then proceeds to call me back about a dozen times, leaving voicemails while crying and screaming. Woah.

 

One more week of this and I tell her to please stop contacting me. She does so for two days, then the calls, text messages, and emails come again. She threatens me and then apologizes, over and over. One night, she showed up at my door at 11pm in the rain. I let her in and she started crying about how she wants me back. I tell her she needs to calm down and talk to me when she's not so emotional. She heads home.

 

The calls and txt msgs wont stop and I dont know what to do. She is even going to start attending my school next semester and wants to take classes with me. There is another girl I am seeing at the moment and this obsessed gal wont let off. I want to be as gentle as possible in telling her to please let go of me, that we never really were together, etc. I just dont think it registers in her head. Anybody have a suggestion on what to do? I'm scared this gal might hurt herself or something.... thank you all

[annie24]

She is mentally unstable. You need to stop being gentle and tell her that her contacting you is not welcome anymore and that if she continues, you will report her to the police for harassement.

 

and in the future, don't "accidentally" have sex with girls before you know more about them. they can easily be loonies, as this girl is.

 

PS - and the next time someone is more than 30 minutes late for a date, call, and if they don't pick up, leave. don't accept any "I'll explain it to you in person." blah blah blah. don't let someone do that to you more than once!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yeah, really. First she was a (total) flake, then she was moving way, way too fast. I suspect if she had acted a bit more like a normal person you might have given it a shot, too. Keep trying to gently but firmly let her know it's not going to happen. I hope when she comes to your school she doesn't make trouble for you. Good luck.

[LeftBehind]

Man, and I thought I was a psycho for getting attached.

 

I've been beating myself up for 6 months over things I said, and ways I acted with someone back in May/June.

 

But this makes me feel alot better about myself.

 

Change your phone number, change your e-mail.

 

If she continues to show up at your doorstep, as the previous poster said, call the cops.

 

I got obsessive for a couple of weeks or so, but I went total NC and have been for 6 months. Thank god I didn't go as far as this girl did. Jeez....

 

I would never get attached, though, after only a few dates. I had been seeing my girl for a while before I fell that much in love with her. I can't even imagine what her train of thought there was.......

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

If she does show up again, I think it would be ok to warn her if she doesn't leave right away, and leave you alone, then you'll call the cops. Nearly everybody gets a little nutty sometimes (some more than others, obviously). But she hasn't harmed you or physically threatened you at this point. Treat others the way you'd like to be treated. She'll have a criminal record. If she keeps it up, you'll have no choice.

[Lady Bugg]

OMG...WHATEVER you do...HIDE THE BUNNIES!!!!!!!!!!

[hosswhispra]

Reading your post triggers my mind to think of that movie Fatal Attraction!

 

That's pretty scary stuff! You have to tell her that she's got to cut her irrational behavior out or that you'll have to take greater (legal) steps like getting the police involved.

 

Additionally, I agree with annie24's advice. Don't accidentally sleep with girls until you have an idea of what they are about....because this situation is scary and I certainly to not envy you right now.

[Lady Bugg]

Seriously...this woman has not only a screw loose....but probably a bunch of nuts and bolts too. JEEZ.........that or you are an INCREDIBLE stud in bed!!! haha...j/k

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

It sounds like this girl suffers from some sort of mental disorder such as Borderline Personality or the like. The main thing one has to do with these types of people is BE FIRM! In your case, tell her, not ask...to not call you anymore, you wish not to see her anymore and that you don't see this working out. Don't not apologize, compromise, or offer a deal. Once you state you case and wishes, there is no middle ground or grey area. Once you do that, IGNORE her at ALL costs.

 

Do not answer the door, do not pick up the phone, nothing. Completely cut her off. Any attention from you is enough for her to keep at it. She appears mentally unstable, there is a slim chance for you to be able to reason with her or diffuse the situation. Anything you say or do to her can be construed by her in her own perception which can land you in a whole lot of trouble. She is manipulating you. Don't fall for any of it.

 

I am so sorry you got into the likes of this girl. Here are some links describing borderline personality...

 

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[bsp_kjm]

wow, you all are very helpful! im so glad ive stuck around this site. thank you everyone for the replies and thank you kellbell for the links. i just feel really bad because if she wasnt so hectic, she'd be a really great person to be around.

 

thank u all

[heloladies21]

Ignoring is gonna make her more furious, so you probably don't wanna do that especially if she knows where you live. Just be upfront and direct everytime she contacts you. Tell her very flat out and emotionless that you don't want to date her and don't want to see her or talk to her anymore. If she keeps the conversation going, keep restating your position.

[kellbell]

I suggested that he ignore her after he states his case. She is mentally unstable, there is no way to reason with her and so forth. She wants the attention, any attention will just feed the fire and cause more problems.

 

Everything the original poster has described here illustrates borderline personality disorder.

 

My word, this post gave me the shivers because it describes that movie Fatal Attraction to a tee!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

actually, the advice they give to people who are being stalked is to tell the stalker once, very firmly, that you are sorry if she doesn't agree with you, but things did not work out between you, that you are not interested in dating her or continuing contact, and you will never consider dating her now or in the future. Then tell her if she contacts you again, you will call the police because she is harassing you.

 

Then after you have made your point clear, you need to give her absolutely NO feedback or contact, because that just feeds the flame of her obsession.

 

So every email you get, just store in a folder to give to police should it become necessary. And put her on your reject call list for your cellphone.

 

If she shows up in person again, then do exactly what you said, do not even speak to her, just get away from her as quickly as possible and contact the police. They usually don't do anything other than go to her house and tell her that a complaint has been filed and she is to leave you alone, and if she continues to bother you, then she will be arrested.

 

she may get the point then. and if she's done this before to other guys, she might already have a history of this with the police, and you may need to get a restraining order. But hopefully she will get the point when you are firm and refuse to acknowledge or continue contact with her. Usually people like this will eventually find someone else to focus on and then leave you alone.

 

and if she continues in spite of a warning, she is deeply mentally ill, and you need to get the police to stop this, it will be obvious to them that she has problems and the judge most likely will order her into treatment, which she obviously needs.

 

so you need to take this seriously and take immediate steps to stop this and not fan the flames of her inappropriate attachment. being nice to her will only make it worse.

[kryptik0]

Wow, thats all pretty scary. Also, a lot of great advice here. Hope you get rid of the trouble soon.

[bsp_kjm]

Also, a lot of great advice here.

^totally agree. thank you all for taking time out of your thanksgiving day to help me out.

[annie24]

Ignoring is gonna make her more furious, so you probably don't wanna do that especially if she knows where you live. Just be upfront and direct everytime she contacts you. Tell her very flat out and emotionless that you don't want to date her and don't want to see her or talk to her anymore. If she keeps the conversation going, keep restating your position.

 

actually, ignoring stalkers is the way to go. If you have occasional contact with the stalker, they know that they have to call your phone 5, 10, or 40 times, and that on the 41st time they call, you will pick up. so you don't want to encourage that behavior. it needs to be "nipped in the bud." This is a technique that is well documented for dealing with stalkers.

 

I filed "stalking papers" a while ago against a guy who wasn't getting the hint. the police basically showed up at his work and told him not to call contact, etc... me anymore, and he hasn't bothered me since. One visit from a police officer tends to be enough for most people to stop.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yeah, a police visit made one go away for me too. I remember one police man explaining to me that sometimes they believe it's all a big game and they actually don't get how serious you are about leaving you alone till you take legal action, and that snaps them out of it.

 

That said, in my case there was distruction of property (mine) threatening (me) with weapons (held right to my ribcage), assaults and attempted kidnapping (of me) (final straw), involved before the police were brought into it. I'm not suggesting it's best to wait that long..

 

I think in your particular situation OP, I really think that you should give her fair warning of police involvement before you do involve them. If she bugs you in any way even one more time, tell her, email her maybe, clearly and concisely, that you don't want anymore contact with her. Tell her if she contacts you in any way again, you will take legal action.

 

Now, here's something else for you to worry about. Sometimes obsessed people turn to more covert methods of bothering you. For instance she may respond to your request not to contact her, but then only to get her self signed into many of your classes, and sit right behind you or stare at you, get a job where you work, show up at your friends' parties, etc. I had another wack-job do that to me for years, and the worst thing was since there was no overt harassment, there wasn't much I could do about it.

[annie24]

yikes! that is a story! I had a guy do not even 1/10th of what your guy did to you, but I have a low tolerance for harassement, and honestly, he scares the living daylights out of me (really huge guy, tall, big, built like a linebacker), and I didn't give him any warning about the police. he just scared me too much!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I hear ya, I also have a low tolerance for harassment, and I don't like unwanted attention at all.

 

In that case, he was an ex and just didn't want to break up, so I felt sorry for him, and I didn't want him to have a criminal record, but it came down to I didn't want to have to worry about someone hiding outside my work or my house waiting for me to come out anymore, and I really felt I had no choice at that point.

 

But if it was a veritable stranger, then I think less tolerence would be warranted.

 

The scariest thing is if any of you have looked into stalking you already know, there are documented cases of women being stalked (for months or years) and murdered by people whom they didn't even know at all. I remember reading one story about a guy who'd been stalking a young woman to the point that he had numerous journals (logs) of her day to day activities. One day he came up to her in a parking lot and beat her to death (with a club I think), and all along, she had either not been aware of his existence, or barely knew him. I think he had gone to the same high school as her or something. Sometimes it's someone that one barely knows (but he's keenly aware of her), such as the man that sells newspapers outside one's work or something.

 

One more story is about that actress Rebecca Schaeffer, she was killed by a 'fan' who she had sent an autographed pic to at one time. He showed up at her apartment one day and shot her to death just like that.

[Juliana]

I think you need to think about whether or not you want to involve police. Although everyone sees this as a quick solution to the problem, the reality is that this girl, although she is annoying as heck, has not actually threatened you or anyone you know, has not destroyed your property, and is not stealing things. That's criminal stalking. Chasing you around for a month isn't so much criminal as pathetic.

 

I would try some intermediate stuff before getting the police involved. Be rude. Be angry, but don't shout. Stop talking to her. You can catastrophize in your thinking til the cows come home about all the terrible things she could do, but you need to look at what she actually has done, and for what length of time.

 

Mentally ill people disengage from you faster the less emotional things are; it gives them less to try to figure out with their f'd up thought processes. Introducing the police into the picture isn't suddenly going to make her better able to control her thoughts or her actions; it's just going to up the ante exponentially. So be very careful about whether or not you go that route; I would prefer to see some sign she's actually threatening you in some way. You seem to have some idea that she's a decent person on some level; try not talking to her, not reasoning with her, not responding to the craziness, and maybe she'll get a grip on herself without involving the police, which, if anyone has read about it, does not always solve the problem and can make things much, much worse -- because nothing makes a person more vengeful than the feeling of having been unjustly humiliated.

[bsp_kjm]

wow, thank you all! did you all go to school for this kind of stuff, cuz you all have some very in-depth info! As Juliana has stated, I sort of dont want to involve the police at all. I think doing so would only escalate things. I would if she messed with my car or threatened me physically (she has threatened me verbally but apologizes for it immediately). I'm soaking in all this information! I think I just need to be firm with her again that we should go separate ways and have no contact. wish me luck

[kellbell]

bsp_kjm,

 

I have a Master's in Psychology and much of my work deals with working with the inmate population. I have interviewed several men and women whom fit the description of this young lady you posted about.

[Juliana]

Kell, do you think that working with an inmate population pre-disposes you to seeing propensity for violence in mentally ill people?

[annie24]

I think you need to think about whether or not you want to involve police. Although everyone sees this as a quick solution to the problem, the reality is that this girl, although she is annoying as heck, has not actually threatened you or anyone you know, has not destroyed your property, and is not stealing things. That's criminal stalking. Chasing you around for a month isn't so much criminal as pathetic.

 

 

the fact that he has posted that he is getting scared of her is definitely a sign. The guy I spoke of didn't threaten me or harm me either, but the police asked me, "are you afraid of him harming you?" And I said yes, because it was the truth.

 

If an everyday average person thinks that their stalker may cross over and start doing worse stuff, then it is time to get the police involved.

[annie24]

wow, thank you all! did you all go to school for this kind of stuff, cuz you all have some very in-depth info! As Juliana has stated, I sort of dont want to involve the police at all. I think doing so would only escalate things. I would if she messed with my car or threatened me physically (she has threatened me verbally but apologizes for it immediately). I'm soaking in all this information! I think I just need to be firm with her again that we should go separate ways and have no contact. wish me luck

 

I was nervous too when I went to the police because I was afraid that he would become angrier and come after me. Luckily, he didn't and hasn't bothered me since. The police officer told me that most people realize the seriousness of what they are doing as soon as the police shows up at their door.