Would this bother you?

[Snowpeople]

Hi everyone! I'm new here and am happy to have found these boards, it's so interesting to read what people have posted. I was hoping you guys could help me!

I would like all of your thoughts on whether or not this would bother you: a couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend and I were talking in bed and I said that I couldn't imagine wanting to have sex with anyone other than him. He thought about what I said for a second and said he was glad, then started squirming around and said he didn't want to hurt my feelings or make me worried, but that if he could have sex with anyone, I would not be the person he would choose to do it with. I was rather shocked and when I told him that made me feel bad, he hugged me and said he loved me and didn't want me to feel bad and he would never actually have sex with someone else. He's a great boyfriend, very kind and loving and we get along wonderfully and as you can see, he's also brutally honest (he calls himself Mr. Volunteer Information Man and this is an example of why). He's always saying he loves me and we spend a lot of time together. He talks about getting married and having a house and children (which I want, too). We have a pretty good sex life, but I've never really felt that he found me very physically attractive (which is probably a big part of why I found what he said upsetting). Because I was concerned, a couple days later we sat down and talked about our relationship and he insisted that he loves me, that I'm perfect for him and the only one for him and he wonders how he deserves me (which is something he says a lot).

I love and adore him beyond comprehension, but what he said really hurt and even now it's still upsetting and I'm still thinking about it some. I would like your opinions on how you would feel if your significant other said this to you? Do you think it's a problem, and if so, how big of one? Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!!

[kellbell]

Hey there and welcome to eNotAlone.

 

Out of curiosity, how long have you been dating? I know, I would be very bothered if my boyfriend said that as I know it would bother him if I said something like that as well.

 

Did you ask him WHY he said something like that?

[Survictor]

It sounds to me like that you aren't his ideal woman, i.e., that woman in his head which could be: small, petite, brunette, cute or blonde, tall, lean, sophisticated.

 

I know that my ideal would be tall, athletic, blonde with curly hair, strong face, good teeth (lol... my husband knows this) and he is the complete opposite! Small, short, slim, dark skin, dark hair and dark eyes lol. But I would never go for my 'ideal' over him.

 

Perhaps this is what he means and you are just feeling anxious and insecure?

 

xxxx

[kellbell]

"that I'm perfect for him and the only one for him and he wonders how he deserves me (which is something he says a lot)."

 

 

Also, this comment jumped out at me as well and it is not a very promising attitude on behalf of your boyfriend. I will give you two examples of which happened to me.

 

First example, I was dating this guy on and off for about 3 years. In the beginning, he pulled the "you're too good for me...'' line. Red flag.

 

Second example, my recent ex used to say this too me all the time. Like, I am too pretty, what kind of girl would date him, he does not deserve me... My ex was extremely insecure and later down the line, that insecurity reeked havoc on our relationship. And yes, my ex insisted he loved me, adored me, was happy, etc.

 

If I were you, I would get to the bottom about things, pronto.

[nomoretears4uboo]

That would bother me a lot. Did you ask him like who he would have sex with? Like if he ment he would pick like a model or a singer or one of those type of girls? Cause, if so I would just kinda not look into it because, that's not likely to happen.

[Snowpeople]

Hi Kellbell! I edited my original post to include more info. We've been together seven months and have quite an open, honest relationship and have never had an argument (which I attribute to the fact that we're both very laid back and speak up right away if we don't understand something or something bothers us, which tends to nip problems in the bud). I think he probably told me because he is very honest and volunteers information (hence the nickname he gave himself: Mr. Volunteer Information Man).

[kellbell]

Snow,

 

There is a difference between being brutally honest and showing compassion, especially towards the ones we love and care about.

 

And having an argument-free relationship is not good either. That shows me that one or both persons in the relationship is not speaking up about his/her needs or when he/she is upset about something. So in that sense, one or both persons is sacrificing and compromising how he/she truly feels soley to avoid an argument. Disagreements promote communication and being brutally honest does not necessarily constitute commuication.

 

All I know, I would be hurt if my boyfriend said something like that. With whom did he have in mind?

[dogheadma]

It sounds like he has feelings for you but he dosen't consider you to be his ideal from a physical standpoint.

 

The fact that he said this to you is a major sign of his own insecurity. This could be a big problem for you and something that definitely needs to be discussed openly and honestly.

 

If he he has the willingness to make such a statement then he should have the same willingness and ability to discuss it with you.

[Snowpeople]

Oh yeah, I forgot to say that after I get all you fine people's opinions on this, I plan to ask him why he said it and who he WOULD prefer to do it with. I am kind of concerned about when he says he wonders what he does to deserve me- he asks at least once a month, and I proceed to tell him that he's sweet, wonderful, caring, smart, etc. He's going through a rough patch right now (having a really tough time with school) and has been putting things off a lot because of it and his self esteem is kind of low right now (which I'm trying to help him with), whereas I get good grades (we're in college) and am pretty motivated. He's not normally like this though and I think when things start going better for him (which will be soon, next semester he's only going to take classes he's really interested in) his self esteem will go back up. Also, his friends tend to have girlfriends who are kind of mean and henpecky, and his last girlfriend was like that too (together for a year and a half), and he's said he's reveling in the fact that I'm not like that!

[Snowpeople]

To Kellbell again: I totally agree that conflict is a good thing- and we are not without that. We do disagree on things and have to compromise on them, but what I mean by we don't argue is that we don't start yelling and get angry.

[kellbell]

Based on what you have written, I suspect he is not being totally honest about he feels about you. And also, he has some insecurity issues and that my friend, is something HE needs to work on. You cannot fill that void for him. Believe me, I have been there with my ex. I thought being loving, sweet, showing him how much I care, doing nice things for him, being the nice girlfriend, being patient and understanding help him snap out of it. I was DEAD WRONG!! By me doing what I did, hindered his incentive to change, to do something about his insecurities. I was filling those voids for him. Meanwhile, he kept asking what has he done to deserve me, why would I want to be seen with him, he put himself down all the time.

 

After 4 years, nothing changed. It got worse actually. He went on Effexor for his depression. I was making excuses for him to my friends and family and by the end, I was exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually. You cannot make him feel better about himself, I mean you can help, but ultimtately, this is his battle to fight.

[Jayar]

That's just not something you SAY to your girlfriend! Unless he's a complete idiot, he knows this. I don't know why he said it, and I wouldn't necessarily care. If it had been me lying next to him, I'd have looked at him directly and said:

 

"I can save you the trouble if you like?" in kind of a questioning/telling "if that's the way you feel" kind of way. That would have made him realize he was just a horse's butt there. Maybe he would have apologized, maybe he would have said all the same things, but at least rather than acting hurt and insecure you'd have given him that "even though you don't wanna sleep with me, there are plenty of guys who would" kind of attitude.

 

I wouldn't ask him who he'd choose to sleep with. It won't really make you FEEL better. So what if he tells you who... You'll only feel bad that you're not that person. After my quick comeback I'd have just dropped it.

 

And as an aside, in general, it's not good to fish for things... I have no doubt that you said what you said to him with the expectation that you'd hear it back from him. That sometimes doesn't work the way we want, as you can see here.

 

Oh, and you could always dump him. I'd consider dumping someone who said something like that if there were a few other things they said or did throughout the course of our relationship that might have demonstrated they didn't have all their kangaroos in the top paddock. In and of itself, this incident probably isn't enough to bail over. But it's certainly suggesting you should keep your eyes open and be honest with yourself about whether or not he really is the guy for you.

[arwen]

We have a pretty good sex life, but I've never really felt that he found me very physically attractive (which is probably a big part of why I found what he said upsetting). Because I was concerned, a couple days later we sat down and talked about our relationship and he insisted that he loves me, that I'm perfect for him and the only one for him and he wonders how he deserves me (which is something he says a lot).

 

I think I have a different take on this. There are a few separate issues that you can discuss for this situation:

 

1. the fact that he replied like this-- no doubt, we'd ALL be hurt.

2. the fact that you FEEL he does not 'fancy' you that way that much (meaning physically attractive) is now confirmed-- hun, unless he is very much of a jerk, he'd never say this if it weren't true.

3. saying that he doesn't deserve you-- I think that that is a different issue. That reflects a whole lot about how he feels about himself, but I don't think it is necessarily related to being attracted (physically) to you.

 

So, I'd say there are two distinct red flags: your former gut feeling of a lack of sexual attraction is confirmed and he has such a negative view of himself that he feels he doesn't deserve you.

 

I'd think tha the only way that those flags could be part of one bigger flag; is if his reason for 'not deserving you' in fact means that he feels guilty about the degree to which you are into him and not vice versa. I don't know, it's just a thought.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[Jayar]

I'd think tha the only way that those flags could be part of one bigger flag; is if his reason for 'not deserving you' in fact means that he feels guilty about the degree to which you are into him and not vice versa. I don't know, it's just a thought.

 

EXACTLY!!! I think the guy likes a lot of things about you, appreciates that you're crazy about him, but isn't crazy about you. Okay so he wouldn't cheat on you. Yay for him, making such a sacrifice as to stay loyal to someone he's not even attracted to. Give him a medal.

 

You could find someone who IS attracted to you and reciprocates your feelings. My guess is this dude is going to end up hurting you in time.

[blender]

Okay, I know you "love this man's "potential" but try to focus on who he is revealing himself to authentically be.... so I'm going to be blunt...

 

Oops, too many redflags here.. sorry, but the line, "you're too good for me, I don't deserve you" type of thing.. well there's not getting to the bottom of this.. he's right, YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM, and he knows it... so perhaps it's time to get your self respect in gear and take him at his word...

 

As far as the 'physical type he prefers" goes.. well that is a tough one.. but sure men are MORE 'VISUAL', they can almost always visualize the "angelina jolie" type as the perfect sex partner, but hopefully they want more out of life then just a physical sex thing happening.. that's understandable in fantasy but in reality a bit shallow..right? So do not take that personally..BUT..

 

You can make a choice if this is the type of character of a man, (says what's on his mind at the cost of your emotions) is the kind of man you admire, can feel good about yourself with, would want him to influence your children with his "brutal selfish honesty"... ugh...

 

and as far as not arguing.. or as you put it "we don't start yelling" well sure that's nice, but how much of yourself are you compromising to keep him happy?

 

If you ever sense you are "walking on eggshells" to keep him happy... that is the biggest reason to stop, take some time on your own, and assess why you are willing to lose your sense of self to be with a man who repeatedly tells you (and you say he's "honest) that YOU"RE TOO GOOD FOR HIM..

 

do you believe what he says usually? Then why do you not believe him when he says this?

 

I think you are a "catch" a loving, kind, honest, beautiful, sexy, mature, confident woman.. and I hope you are not willing to "lose your sense of self" to be with this man... Do YOU feel good about yourself when you are with him? do you feel empowered and confident about yourself? Do you feel he encourages you to do what YOU WANT to do in life? I hope so.. because you are worthy of all wonderful things, and a man who loves you enough to not be so "brutally honest at the expense of your feelings" over silly things like, "I'd want to have sex with someone else, I won't do it because i love you, BUT I'd like to"... that's a passive aggresive controlling not so nice thing to say... and it's only the tip of the iceberg... it's his way of feeling in "control" because he doesn't seem to be feeling so good about his own life right now..so making sure he "puts you in a insecure emotional" place helps him feel empowered.. not that he is doing this intentionally..but it is being done.. to you... and it will continue to chip away at your precious self confidence..

 

Be careful of thinking you are here on this earth to help him "fix" his life.. that is up to him... love is about sharing your own happiness, not about "attaining" it from the other...

 

I hope you take care of yourself and love yourself first..

 

P.S. some people on this post are saying he likes alot about you, but not enough.. well that is not true, he does admire you, love you, but he does not possesss these same qualities in himself.. if he doesn't really love himself, respect himself, and I don't mean ego or pride, I mean he feels good about himself, then he can not feel good about another.. or love another, this starts with him having self love, not self ego or control... and I think he does love you the best way he can.. and it doesn't seem to be in a healthy way...because he's not emotionally healthy about HIMSELF..

[Batya33]

Snow,

 

There is a difference between being brutally honest and showing compassion, especially towards the ones we love and care about.

 

And having an argument-free relationship is not good either. That shows me that one or both persons in the relationship is not speaking up about his/her needs or when he/she is upset about something. So in that sense, one or both persons is sacrificing and compromising how he/she truly feels soley to avoid an argument. Disagreements promote communication and being brutally honest does not necessarily constitute commuication.

 

All I know, I would be hurt if my boyfriend said something like that. With whom did he have in mind?

 

 

I completely agree! Mr. Volunteer Information has to want to work on that negative aspect of his personality. There are certain things a couple never discusses - whether you label it as being "open" or otherwise (honesty to me has nothing to do with volunteering information and last time I checked it is more important to save a person's feelings than risk unnecesarily hurting them) - I would never ever compare my boyfriend s_xually to anyone else I've been with (to him) - I just tell him "you're the best in the world!" Even if he asked I wouldn't go there. Ever.

 

I will say to be careful about offering information where you don't want to hear what's on his mind. Not sure what the point was in sharing with him that you don't want to have s_x with anyone else. If you're exclusive, he assumes that and if he asked you that would be strange.

 

Think long and hard whether you can deal with mr. tactless long term.

[DN]

Why did you bring up this subject to him in the first place?

 

You said that you were the first to say that you would not want to have sex with anyone else and that you know he is very honest about his feelings.

 

So - why did you bring it up and what did you expect him to say? It wasn't a test of any sort was it?

[treefrogkate]

I think my take is a little different. It sounds like he is inexperienced with women (I may or may not be right), and that combined with being brutally honest made him say that. When I first started dating my boyfriend, we were watching Firefly, and he said "Kaylee is unbelievably hot." I, being the complete opposite of the character in question (except for geekiness) took that to mean that he didn't like me, and that really ate at me.

 

I think you should be happy that he is honest, and that if you guys have a misunderstanding, you talk about it. I haven't ever had an argument for my boyfriend, for what it's worth, and we've been together nearly 10 months.

 

Long story short, he's with *you*, and isn't out having sex with someone else.

[blender]

it was okay for her to express her feelings to him during an intimate time.. that was sweet what she said to him... all the "brutally honest" things this guy says to her, have NOTHING to do with what she had done, right or wrong.. any guy who talks this way to anyone is doing so to give himself a false sense of empowerment,

 

it's his passive aggresive way of having emotional control over someone who is obvisously afftected by what his "opinions' are...and his comments say so much more about HIM then they do about her...

 

he's feeling insecure, weak, not good about himself.. so he makes others feel this way so he can feel some "control" over his life, because he obviously does not feel any kind of control over the personal aspects of his education, career, life.. and this "self loathing" is being projected on to her.. that's the way it seems to me.. this is not "love or honesty" this is his "life pattern of a false sense of superiority"... to give him a feeling of "control".. it's sad...

 

and it's costing her a sense of her own confidence. it's time to for her to stop asking HIM what he thinks and feels, and instead start asking HERSELF, is this the kind of "emotional rollercoaster" she is choosing to be on at the expence of herself...

[n83]

what did he said wasn't "honest" or "open". Being honest does not involve saying something so hurtful to someone you love. I once had a "volunteer information man" too. Yeah, he's an ex now for a reason, namely because he was an a$$hole and said stupid things like what your bf said.

 

I don't think he loves you the way your partner should. Probably you are giving him companionship and comfort and he probably knows also that no one else would put up with him. That doesn't mean he's in love with you, it just means he's with you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

wow, that's a slap in the face, what he said about you not being the person he would choose to have sex with!

 

i really think this could be a big problem. by that i mean, there are some men who want an angel at home, but a devil in bed. so he could indeed go ahed and marry you, have kids with you, etc. but then start having affairs with women that he DID think were more sexually attractive to him than you. there are some men who are quite content with that, splitting the home life vs. a hot sex life via affairs etc.

 

so you need to ask yourself, are you willing to be with someone who basically says he doesn't find you very interesting sexually? you need to probe him further to find out the reason for this. if it is just that he wants you to learn to be more bold or experimental sexually, that may be fine, because you can do that, but if it is some fundamental problem with chemistry or how you look (that you can't change with clothes or a diet etc.), then this could end up being a huge heartbreak for you in the future.

 

some people can separate sex and love and get them from different people... are you willing to let him do this in the future?

 

i really think you deserve someone who thinks you are hot and sexy.. sexual chemistry can be very fickle, and not based on looks or activities or etc. i was in a boring marriage with a very attractive man, but no pizzazz at all between us, and it lead to the marriage's demise, and i found someone else where the sex was INCREDIBLE and fabulous, and it had nothign to do with looks or anything else.

 

so don't shortchange yourself, and investigate why he would make such a negative, harmful statement about it. honestly, that would be enough for me to dump him and go find someone who did think i was incredible..

[Batya33]

I think my take is a little different. It sounds like he is inexperienced with women (I may or may not be right), and that combined with being brutally honest made him say that. When I first started dating my boyfriend, we were watching Firefly, and he said "Kaylee is unbelievably hot." I, being the complete opposite of the character in question (except for geekiness) took that to mean that he didn't like me, and that really ate at me.

 

I think you should be happy that he is honest, and that if you guys have a misunderstanding, you talk about it. I haven't ever had an argument for my boyfriend, for what it's worth, and we've been together nearly 10 months.

 

Long story short, he's with *you*, and isn't out having sex with someone else.

 

I don't think this has to do with being inexperienced with women. It has to do with being tactless and thoughtless in general. DN raises a good question about whether the OP meant this as a "test" - and in that case maybe, in feeling "tested" he figured she deserved that type of response. Not a very nice way to behave but might explain a few things.

[blender]

the only explanation for his behavior is his lack of respect for HIMSELF, his self loathing, he is projecting it on to her.. it wouldn't matter if she were perfect, (and she is probably pretty close to being perfect), this type of man is so insecure in himself that he "chooses" this passive aggressive thing he disguises as "honesty" to maintain a false sense of control over his life.. and her..

 

The most important thing she can do is ask herself, "is this type of disrespect and passive aggressive control acceptable for me?"

 

hopefully the answer is "no"..

 

Sure it's easy to "love who you think he COULD be" but it's time to take a look at who is ACTUALLY CHOOSING TO BE... and he's not such a "nice guy"..

 

if he were you would be feeling a sense of security, love, trust, kindness, and freedom to be YOU.. there wouldn't be this sense of "he might not think I'm physically attractive"... that's no way to be in a relationship...

 

Sorry but I don't think you are in an emotionally healthy, loving, strong foundation of a relationship..it's more of a "power struggle" with YOU giving up all of your personal power as a selfrespecting, loving, honest, kind, loving woman

 

YOU deserve the same kind of love, respect, honesty, kindness and security in return.. and he is not emotionally healthy enough to give this to 'anyone"...

 

he's in a bad place in his life and he's intentionally or un-intentionally making sure you don't get too "secure" in yourself that you would leave him for someone who is willing to give you the respect and love you deserve...

 

He said it himself.. "I don't deserve you"...

 

He's right.. he doesn't...

 

Take care of yourself, set some standards/values for your own precious heart.. and it starts by NOT being okay in letting a man use his passive aggressive nature to keep you insecure about yourself.. ugh..

 

love is when you feel so good about yourself when you are with that person, I mean good and secure to your soul, body, mind, heart.. no comparisons, no blame.. it's a two way street of the same kind of behavior.. not one (you) being "so understanding" and the other (him) being so "judgemental".

 

When he says: "I don't want to hurt your feelings but I'm just being honest"

 

TRANSALTION: I do want to hurt your feelings, it makes me feel a false sense of control, and power, because I have little control over other things in my life, and now for the moment of your uneasiness with what I just said to you, I can feel a moment of "control and a false sense of empowerment, ahh.. that's nice for me, regardless of the heartache it may cause you"..

 

that is one sick way of trying to control someone...and that is exactly what he is doing.. whether he realizes it or not, it's his "pattern" with you.. and it will slowly destroy your self esteem and no man is worth losing your sense of self.

 

look at you, you're wonderful loving, kind, thoughtful woman.. and yet his choice of words makes you feel 'insecure" about yourself..that's not love.. that's a bad habit...yuk...

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

This is tricky. On the one hand, honesty is valued by most people. On the other hand, some people should just know when to shut their mouthes and refrain from telling a brutal truth.

 

I wouldn't get mad at my boyfriend for being honest with me (in the way that your boyfriend did). But maybe I'd have a little talk with him and help him understand that some things are better left unsaid. Sounds like your boyfriend simply doesn't realize that saying what he said would hurt your feelings. Tell him to think twice about how his resonses will affect you before he lets it all out.

 

But I am curious: After you told him that you couldn't imagine having sex with anyone else besides him, did you ask him how he felt about about having sex with you/other people? (If you asked him, then you got what you wanted, and now you know to just shut your mouth next time.)

[Snowpeople]

Wow!! Thank you for all the responses. I need a bit more time to mull them all over before posting anything else, but I wanted to say that I wasn't testing him when the topic came up- we had just had a nice night out and were cuddling in bed and talking about how we love each other and why and I said what I did because it was true. I'll post more tomorrow after I've had time to think over what everyone has said! Thanks again.