The results of NC

[AndyW]

I just wanted to relate a situation that I had with my ex girlfriend to everyone considering the effects of NC ( no contact ). I have been reading the threads on this site for about four months after my girlfriend basically told me "she couldn't do this anymore" meaning she wanted out of our relationship. Oh how I'll never forget that day and the horrible feelings that I had for about six weeks following that day. I couldn't sleep, eat, you know the story... All I could think about was her and how much I wanted her back. After reading some posts on this site I decided to try NC in the beginning of August 2006 to give myself the opportunity to heal emotionally from all the feelings that I had. I will admit that it was really difficult for about the first 14 days but I also starting working out at the gym simultaneously, exercising and lifting weights. I would often wonder what would I say to my "ex" if she ever called me again. Well after about 14 weeks of NC ( 102 days to be exact ) my feelings for the person were basically non existent - I had moved on in my mind and had several of my friends wanting me to meet some of their friends to start dating. Well guess what?? - after 102 days of no contact from my "ex" at all, out of the blue she calls and tells me she's been thinking of me and that she had made a wrong decision and basically asked me if we could start again. I was very elusive to answering anything that she was asking. And what's really interesting is that I didn't have any feelings for her or even care what she was saying. The whole point of this thread is that NC is for you to heal as a person. It is not meant to get someone to call you or get them back. But it is a good tool to jog their minds and let them know what life is like without you... I did a lot of research on this during my four months of NC and it really does seem like once you move on ( which is hard and takes time ) you will be so much better off and really see the relationship for what it was. And inevitably, that moving on seems to invoke a response from the other person. I have learned a lot if life from this and I am really glad that I read so many of the posts on this site to get to where I am today!!

[kellbell]

Hey Andy,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone and I am so glad things are better for you. Yup, NC DOES work. I have seen work for others and have personal experience with it myself.

 

Good for you! Thank you for sharing.

[NCGoodfella]

Wow being in the early stages of NC...uh less than a day...your story has given me some strength it seems. My ex, damn that sucks saying, told me she is going to go out with the girls tonight and already warned me of drunk dialing, so I guess I will get an early test. Thank you for your story and I hope to be where you are in the months ahead.

[Relationship Coach]

Welcome Andy and it good to see that when NC is done for the right reasons, people get better in many ways. Congrats!

 

RC

[Phoenix69]

I myslef am a solid believer in NC, although I did not start NC to "get him back", it did make him wonder what I was doing... And although it is for healing, sometimes if your relationship is really worth trying for, it does get you back together too.

[Jayar]

Congrats. It must be an amazing feeling when the tables turn and the one who broke your heart wants you back, while you can't even be bothered to give them the time of day.

[mattyk]

Great post...

 

For me, I hope NC will give me some perspective on the relationship and my ex, and allow me to make a good decision about whether I want them back or not.

[bambina maxima]

AndyW, you have it precisely.

 

I'm on day 33 of no contact, and though I can't say I'm over it, the end is in sight.

 

At the beginning of the ordeal I thought it was the a ridiculous, contrived machination to get "revenge". I felt guilty for buying into this "no contact" bs, and that if I were I big girl I should be able to take occasional communication and still be able to move on.

 

The fact is, limited contact wasn't working. With no contact, I'm regaining my sanity, self-possession, and objectivity. It's the most expedient process of recovery after a break up.

 

For all those who knock NC...here's one more convert. Give it a try for a month, and you'll see.

[AndyW]

I can truthfully say if it were not for this site and all the people that posted their experiences, I would not be where I am today. I want to thank all of you for your thoughts and perspectives. One thing I have definitely noticed is that NC allows you to step away from the relationship and really see the issues clearly. In my case, I don't even want my ex girlfriend back - there are a lot of other people that can make you happy in life. I can clearly see that now even though I so desperately wanted her back in August. I have moved on and have grown from my experience - it's her loss - she gave up a very caring and loving relationship - For what?? Only God knows.... but I'm moving on and not looking back. It does give me a good feeling in some sense that my ex now realizes what she had. As the saying goes - "You don't know what you have until it's gone." For all of you going throw the same dilemma as I have, my advice is to stay strong and resist the urge to contact the person that did not even care about your feelings. Also, keep this thought in mind - God never takes something away from you without replacing it with something much better!!

[UABJC]

Great Post,

Im in the process of NC right now, on day 14, however we've been broken up for almost 6 weeks. So during those first four i did some begging, pleading, for her to try us again. Nothing over the top like calling 30 times a day or anything like that, basically just telling her how much i loved her and how much she meant to me, how we could fix our relationship. Did you have anything like this before you started NC? I can already tell that im getting better, but i do have bad days and good days still.

Thanks for your post man, its keeping me strong

[AndyW]

To answer your question, yes, I sent flowers ( bad move ), calling her several times with no answer by her, and then sending several emails of which she never responded. Now four months later, she basically has the audacity to contact me like nothing ever happened professing her undying love for me, and wanting to start where we left off ( that's not possible since everyone changes while being apart ). I know I'll be much better off without her - someone this insensitive about their feelings is better off left alone - Her loss not mine!!

[whoops]

God never takes something away from you without replacing it with something much better!!

 

i love this idea - i did not do nc but not my fault he kept a rouse to see me so i did do nc in terms of not letting him come to see me and i ignored calls etc and it helped immensely - he wants to see me today and i think it is better we dont again - it has helped me not to see him to move on to other things - yeah i miss him but i have other things more important to deal with

[jzwhat21]

way to go andy it must feel really nice to have moved on i cant wait till im there....

 

i spent about 1 week begging and pleading then did NC for 2 weeks and then began talkin to her again on friendly terms for the last 5 weeks on occasion with hopes of getting back together. I decided to jump off the emotional rollercoater and re-insate NC again and this time for good. Im on day 3 and i feel better than ever!

[cingar]

Thank you Andy and all the others that responded to your post

it helped me alot.

 

I'm presently on day six of nc before that i went 2 weeks then he contacted me to tell me he had a new girlfriend and was living with her that they fight all the time, blah blah blah. it devestated me again.

 

Your post about nc was very encouraging to me I hope this time around i will be stronger and not give in. and get to the place where you are.

 

As you said it's there loss.

 

thank you again.

[MovingOnUp]

Thanks Andy. Inspiring post. NC is hard and there has been many times that I have wanted to contact my ex but it's posts like that which help me to remember I'm doing this for myself and that I can be strong. And for anyone doing NC right now stay strong! We can do it.

[settinuplife]

Very good post. I am curious as to what your next move will be now that you ex wants you back. Are you going to be friends with her or continue the NC?

[AndyW]

What's my next move?? - absolutely nothing!! I know now that my ex wants me back, she still loves me, is thinking of me constantly and wants to continue where we left off. Now, I make her wonder - I'm back in NC and I will not be answering her calls anytime in the near future ( at least for the next month ). As I mentioned in my initial post, when she was talking to me the other day I didn't even care anymore - 14 weeks of NC will do wonders to cure you of any relationship - what makes me feel good about her contacting me is that she told me she made a mistake and realized what she had lost. Well, I'm glad she finally woke up!! That's all I needed to hear - now it's time to move on. For all of you going through rough times this weekend, I know where your coming from. But take heed in this note - there is life after your breakup - it takes time and weekends are the hardest to get by. But hook up with friends, do things that you enjoy, better yourself by exercising or changing your wardrobe, take up a new hobby, etc. but don't give in to calling the ex. Resist the urge to call and let your ex wonder. It will drive them crazy with curiosity. They did not care about you in your hours of need. If you have the urge to call please reply to this post and I'll help you through this - I have learned quite a bit in 14 weeks of how to effectively deal with breakup issues. Good luck and remember I'm there for you if you need any help!!

[singleagain]

Andy, I agree with you completely! I am currently 5 weeks into NC and it is the best move I made.

 

My EX tried the want to "slow down" thing to begin with and we stayed in touch by phone for a couple weeks. It became apparent that she did not want to see me. After calling and leaving a message that was not returned, I started the NC.

 

The first few weeks were very hard, but over the last week I am starting to get some clarity on the whole situation and see that she was not the person I thought she was. I have quit smoking (two weeks!) and started working out which really helps. I am now a firm believer that the only way to focus on and improve yourself is by establishing NC.

[danq]

I'm sorry AndyW, but I think you're being petty and vindictive by not responding to her. NC is about allowing yourself to heal, and possibly getting your ex back if that's what you want. It's not about getting revenge. If you've really gotten over your ex and don't want her back, you should be man enough to tell her and let her get over you. And don't be insensitive about it. Tell her you still think she's a great girl, but you can't just forgive her and take her back.

[Tshwane]

i've reinstated strict NC after i found out my ex has a new man, yr post gives me inspiration. Congrats man.

[AndyW]

Well, I'm sorry to hear that your ex has a new man - but look on the bright side - it's a rebound relationship. After the newness wears off, your ex will constantly be comparing you to the new person and the probability of the new relationship lasting is very low. I have seen this same thing over and over again. Keep this thought in mind - you're not dead by any means. I know it's difficult to think about someone new but start hanging out with your friends - they are the best source to find a new person to date. Talk about your experiences with your ex with someone you can trust in like a good friend - it really helps I'm not saying to give up on your ex but I know from my personal experiences that when I moved on, that's when the ex tries to come creeping back. They have an uncanny knack and can sense your change of heart. Keep strong, resist the urge to contact her. If you were together for several months you have many more memories in her mind than the new guy. I did not believe my friends when they kept saying that my ex would eventually contact me - but they were right. I think of all the unnecessary worry of who she was with, what she was doing, etc. When she did call, she told me she wasn't doing very well. That was a great case of poetic justice. One thing I really picked up in my journey through this process was that the person that is left behind is the one that ultimately comes out on top smelling like a rose. You will experience a very valuable growing and learning experience from this and this will either make your relationship much better when the ex decides to call and possibly try again or you will have truly prepared yourself for the person God really wants you to meet!! Hang in there - we're there for you if you need us!!

[Biffy]

Great thread Andy, very inspiring.