A baby question . . .

[Beec]

I have someone close to me tht has been having to try and have a child. I know about them trying and have been called on to render assistance. However, I also know things that I am apparently not supposed to know, because the person who told me was not supposed to tell anyone. Obviously, I am very close to all concerned.

 

Well, I have been told that there is now a baby, but it's less than three months into the pregnancy. I also know that there has been a test performed that indicates a higher likelihood the baby may have some problems, permanent problems, permanently challenged.

 

Since I am not supposed to know I think I have no choice but to keep my mouth shut and act like I know nothing. I don't see any other option. But, I'd also like to hear if anyone thinks I should be doing anything else. I also want to get some of it off my chest, because I've really been hoping for this baby.

[therealshrek]

What do you want to do? If the baby is going to have "problems", isnt there really nothing one can do about it except either abort it, give it up for adoption, or raise the child with whatever "problems" it may have?

[agent1607307371]

I think the best thing is just to give support to your friends as they need it. You don't need to say anything, just be there for them.

 

I'm sure as much as you've been hoping for the baby, it is magnified a thousand times for the parents.

[Beec]

It's not my child, I have not spoken with them, but I know them enough that it's their child, they, almost undoubtedly, will raise it and care for it. Adoption or abortion will not be considered as real options.

 

I know I don't feel comfortable just ignoring it, right now. But, since I am not supposed to know, I don't think there is anything else I can do.

 

When it's born, if it does have problems, I will have to do something, but I don't know what that is either.

[avman]

I'm a little confused. You say you have been called upon to render assistance. Who asked you for assistance? Was it the couple? If so, then I'm very confused about why they would hide the fact that they are pregnant, and that there is a possibility of birth defects.

[Beec]

avman, I don't know why I have not been told there is a pregnncy, but I am one of the people called upon to give her a hyperdermic shot in the tush, for her treatments in trying to have a baby. Why I have not been told of either the birth or possibility of problems, I just don't know. Someone else has, and that someone else told me what I know. And they would have reason to know.

[BellaDonna]

I'm assuming that this is a friend or relative of yours who is pregnant. Well, eventually it will undeniable that she is pregnant, once she starts to show- and she will HAVE to tell you. Then you can be supportive, etc.

 

Someone else has, and that someone else told me what I know

 

I would advise that if you ever have a secret or want privacy, never confide it in that person. Clearly they can't keep a secret, and now it's created this uneasy situation.

 

 

BellaDonna

[rose2summer]

I am one of the people called upon to give her a hyperdermic shot in the tush, for her treatments in trying to have a baby

 

Why are you giving the shot? Are you a healthcare professional?

[avman]

That's so strange that they wouldn't have told you if they have asked you to help with such an integral part of this. Maybe they are scared or embarrassed about things?

 

If they are two/three months along is she showing at all? Maybe if you can see that, I'd bring it up to them that way.

 

"Hey by the way I can't help but notice you are looking like you might possibly be pregnant. Is there some happy news?"

 

Or something less specific like:

 

"I just want you both to know how excited I am for you and that I'm really rooting for you. I'll be with you the whole way no matter what might happen."

 

Maybe see if that shakes it loose so that you can talk openly with them.

[avman]

Why are you giving the shot? Are you a healthcare professional?

 

Actually Rose I also have given those shots. They do teach the husband/partner/coach how to give those shots at the right time when you are going through infertility treatments.

[BornToResist]

If I were you, I would just keep my mouth shut and continue to be there for them in whatever way they need.

 

You don't know why they aren't telling you.

 

Even if you are a huge part of this, they do need their privacy and I'm sure they will come to you when they feel the time is right.

[chai714]

There really is no other option other than to keep hush about this - just make sure you don't tell anyone else.

 

Regarding the baby's health status - you don't know for sure whether he/she will be born without any complications. This is one I would play by ear - one, her preganancy will eventually be known and two, wait and see how the baby turns out. You can't really control or influence much else, given this situation.

[justpaisley]

I can understand the desire to not want people to know about pregnancy. After losing my first pregnancy under horrible, though natural, circumstances, I waited as long as I could during my second pregnancy to tell some of my closest friends and family members. I told my mom right away, but my best friend didn't know until I was almost 9 weeks along, and most of my friends and family members didn't know until nearly a month later. If your friends had a hard time getting pregnant (which I'm assuming because of the infertility treatment), they might be waiting to make sure this one's going to "take," for lack of a better term. Every time I told someone about my second pregnancy, I was terrified that I was jinxing myself. And now that your friends are facing potential abnormalities, they're probably even more terrified about letting people in on the news because they're probably even more frightened about losing their baby.

 

 

I'd probably just wait it out if I were you. Let them come to you when they're ready, and be there for them when they're ready to let you in.

[Dilly]

Tough situation. If the topic arises about children, you might communicate enthusiasm about their efforts and you know, I think, given the circumstances that you administered the shots, it's reasonable to politely inquire, especially after so long (THREE MONTHS). There are tactful ways to do this but I'm certainly no coach on that!!! HAHAHA!!! Nonetheless, I would assume that 4-5 out of ten people in the know might toss out a very sensitive general inquiry about how things are going, followed up by many of the cheerful and supportive comments offered by avman. Many women don't show until they are 4-5 months. I'm told at 18.5 weeks that I'm not showing yet. Boobs are bigger, and look a bit chubby, but that's it.

[BornToResist]

I just wanted to comment on the chance that the child will be born with complications.

 

When my mom was pregnant with me, the doctor told her that there would be no way I would come out OK. I was supposed to be born with downsydrome and every other retardation someone could have apparently. They told her there was a chance she wouldn't make it through the birth and they wanted to do a C-section four months early...

 

She refused and took a HUGE chance, and I came out 100% perfectly healthy. The doctors were SHOCKED.

 

She was very brave...but I just wanted to share the story because doctor's don't always get it completely right.

[rose2summer]

And my mom was hit by a semi-truck when she was pregnant with me, smashing her belly (me) into the steering wheel, and they decided there was no way I could develop properly.

 

I am just fine as well.

[doyathink]

If this woman has a partner, why isn't...he...the one giving the shots to her?

 

I would want to say something about it, but it's probably safer that you dont unless you can find a way without giving up who told you.

[Beec]

If this woman has a partner, why isn't...he...the one giving the shots to her?

 

I would want to say something about it, but it's probably safer that you dont unless you can find a way without giving up who told you.

 

They were not together, business reasons, and I got a call asking for help.

 

I think my mind is made up to say nothing, because I don't think I could do it in a good way and esp. because I know my source would be revealed.

 

So what does one say and do when a child with problems is born?

[melrich]

Yes I have given those shots too. Beec, it does sound unusual that they have told others but not you if you are so close that you are giving her shots. But regardless it is what it is.

 

I agree with the others ion saying the best thing you can do is be there for support. I do remember when we got pregnant the first time we agonised over who to tell and when, up to the 12 weeks stage it is so tough and go you really do get nervous about getting to excited and involving too many people.

 

It also seems to be a very early stage to know that there may be issues with the baby. From memory I thought it was only at about 16 weeks that they could make any real definitive statements about foetal health (I may be wrong on that).

 

If it does turn out that the baby has issues again I do not see what you can do but offer your support. My brother and his wife had a child with severe cerebral palsy. Speaking to my bother 3 years after the child's birth he said you don't have time to dwell on it. There are just so many practical considerations that have to be dealth with and that the greatest help is practical help. The last thing he wanted to hear was pity. He wanted everyone to focus on the positives because the negatives (a lifetime of 24 hr care, short though that life will be) are just too overwhelming.

 

So I agree with the others, as much as you may have personal issues and emotions with this, the best thing you can do is put them to one side for now nd focus on what the parents actually NEED in the way of support. And take heart, there are many positives with being parents or related by blood or friendship to a disabled baby/child.

[Day_Walker]

I think that you should just keep quiet and let a medical professional diagnose any potential issues with the child after it has been properly checked out. I dont know why you would want to break the bad news to these people. You will only be adding drama to your life.

[doyathink]

What does one say?

 

Well, if indeed the child IS born with problems, then ...you look at it and say...how beautiful with a smile. Nothing more would be needed.

 

If/when they tell you it has problems, maybe just say something to the fact that you are there for them and support them. Ya know? What can you say? It's still a beautiful child. Good luck Beec, your a nice friend.

[hosswhispra]

Did they do an alpha fetal protein (AFP) test? That test often needs careful interpretation.

[Beec]

Did they do an alpha fetal protein (AFP) test? That test often needs careful interpretation.

 

It kind of sounds like it, from what I just read.

[hosswhispra]

My sister had the alpha-feto protein test with her second child (who by the way is totally fine). It tests for the probability of Downs Syndrome. The test came back at a abnormal high level. The result was then followed up with an amniocentesis which came out fine. The problem was that the doctors never explained that my sister actually had a greater probability of losing her child because of the amniocentesis compared to the child being born with Downs.

 

Did your friend have an amniocentesis?

[Beec]

Did your friend have an amniocentesis?

 

I don't know, but I know she went for additional tests. I also know I cannot ask about the additional tests, unless my source wants to divulge something to me, once again. I'll ask of course.

 

For months, I've been hoping and praying for them to have a baby, and now I am hoping and praying for a healthy one, and if it is not, I am hoping and praying for them. Part of me also knows that if the baby has a problem, they are a couple who can deal with raising such a child as well as any.