my husbands affair

[sandra210]

my doubts started 98 .i had 2 jobs which i didnt like and my friend introduced me to my new neighbour /they had parties and we went and my hubby became friendly with the new couple

mounths later he went to there house after a nite out .i locked the door as it was late and he stayed there the next day the thing and my husband looked unsettled

her husband came home from work and ignored both of them .i later found out my husband was caught by the husband asleep with his arms aroung the wife and his flies open

this was the seed of doubt, my husband said he was drunk and had no idea this had happened

within this mounth my husband said he was not in love with me but still loved me

by this time i was shocked and didnt know what was going on .i had jokingly told my best friend also a neighbour all i need now is for her to be pregnant

and would you know it she was

i had put the incident above out of my mind ,i chose to put it down as a misunderstanding as we had been married 15 years with no problems

a year had passed may99.the couple started to come round my house more often than was normal and i resented it as i was exhausted with my jobs and family

they would leave 1 in the morning and so i said to my husband do you find her attractive and he said yes

finally he stopped picking me up from work and was often late and his excuse was that he had to go somewhere ,bare in mind he didnt work

by this time i was losing weight couldnt sleep and because of tiredness i confronted my husband he denied it said i was paranoid and ignorant for being rude to this couple

i told him i was going to see her and would appologise but also explain how i was feeling

they both knew my estranged mother suffered mental problems and i genuinely thought i was going mad

i tried to put it out of my head but the thoughts kept coming back

sept99

this women and her husband were going on holiday to spain while away my good neighbour had overheard my husband talking to the thing which he later denied

by this time my husband was cold distant sarcastic also putting me down

iwas literily skin and bone by now crying constantly i thought it was me that i had the same mental problems my mam had

october 31

my niece had invited me out to a pychic nite ,i wasnt too sure as i thought if he was good he mite bring up my dead twin boys and i just couldnt cope

so we decided to sit at the back

half way through he came to me

and said ive got 2 things to say to you my dear your not looking after yourself and hes not worth it

i couldnt believe it it was not what i was expecting

by this time my niece and sister in law knew somthing was going on but didnt say

when we got home i was shocked to find this couple in my house and her with a pair of shorts on in winter,they left minutes later as my niece was ignoring them

 

next day i went to the doctors he prescribed anti depressents ,i was over the moon as i thought it was me all along ,thats how bad i was

on coming home i saw my husband in the car with my daughter i told him things would get better as i kmew i was sick and it was my fault

his reaction was like he couldnt care less

the next few days changed greatly he was caring and we got on better

6thnov 99

this was the day it all came out for mounths i thought i was the one causing problems

i had got up at 1.30 we had a late nite my husband was out with a friend ,i looked out of the window and saw the thing walking down the street pushing the buggy

i rung up my husband at 3.30 to bring some milk but his best friend answered the phone he was not his happy self

then at 5.50 the things husband knocked on the door and said my husband was having an affair with his wife

the relief i felt when i heard that was overwhelming between the pair of them they made me feel i was the problem

i was shaking and the rage just built up ,i said to my friend if i find out i was right over this i would kick her * * * * to kingdom come

and that nite i did all the frustration anger upset what the both of them did to me and my kids ,you cant imagine anyone being so cruel i letting you think your mad and allowing u to take pills

i am not violent far from it but when youve had over a year of mental torture the pain has to go somewhere

to this day i dont regret doing what i did it made me feel better

if i hadnt hit her i believe she would still be there today and i without a husband as i would been able to cope

i ve written all this just to get it off my chest

even though im still married i dont have the same respect for my husband as i did he let me down badly its not the affair but making me so poorly and allowing me to take pills when i didnt need him

that i find hard to forgive ,i have told him how i feel but i still remain ashamed of him but i also love him and my family but it will never ever be a second time u only get 1 chance ,and it will be his loss

[Juliana]

People always think that they can keep things hidden and that no one will be hurt, and that's never the case. Your husband behaved evilly towards you, but you know that you didn't deserve it, and you can make a fresh start towards making yourself happy without worrying about him, whether or not you kick him out.

[robowarrior]

That's unbelievable what you've been thru, i think its amazing your still married with him, most people would file for divorce but it seems you are a real fighter for your family to which i can only take my hat off in respect.

[arwen]

I agree with the posters above. You have been through a lot and for you to be still married to this man, is almost unbelievable. I hope you can work through this. But please keep in mind, that both of you have to be willing to invest equal effort into improving your marriage. I don't read in your message if you and him have children? Do you? Because if not, I'd sooner opt for a divorce. Of course when children are involved, things are more complicated, but even then, they won't be happier in a two-parent fighting family than under the loving care of you alone (or you and him but separately).

 

Hang in there. Are you still taking meds? Because even if your depressed feelings and alledged paranoia aren't the cause of this situation (i.e. apparently it wasn't in your head alone), I can imagine that you may feel better if you take them for a while. But do so in combination with some counselling or therapy (individually or with the husband).

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[sandra210]

i have 3 children at the time they were10,11 and 12

today my eldest is at uni and they are all doing well i never argue with my husband as i try and sort things out when there in bed but i stopped taking anti depressents when i found out the affair but recently i think i need them as i am feeling low please read my other topic on this board to find out why many thx for your support its nice to know people care .what i would like to know are the feelings from women who have had affairs with married men and why

[Juliana]

Don't concern yourself with the other woman. I guarantee you, you will not understand how she could have done this. Sometimes they are immature. Sometimes they are selfish. Sometimes they are lonely and can't help themselves. Her motives are nothing to you, because she is nothing to you. Don't give her importance she doesn't deserve.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

What would be your next step? Does your children knows what happens?

 

How does their father affair makes them feel about trust and loyalty in a relationship?

[Beec]

Do you still have any contact with her husband? I don't know, but I would see him as one of the ways in which I would be more likely to get to the truth.

 

I also don't think anyone can tell you why someone did what they did, unless they themselves tell you. Much in the same way, we can only guess as to why she recently said what she did.

 

I also don't know how to tell you to heal your relationship. Your husband had some serious breaches of trust, and I don't know how he has acted since that time. If he was remorseful and thereafter trustworthy, then I might be able to begin to forgive him. I once cheated on an ex gf, but if you were going to judge me on those grounds, I think it would be a bit unfair. After all, it did occur over 15 years ago. Since them, I have had chances to cheat, but not done so. Obviously, I learned something or changed in some way. If he had changed, I could see growth and healing. If not, then it would probably lead to me leaving soon, as your children are now mostly grown, but that is your decision.

[rose2summer]

Wow, I am amazed at your story and appalled at what you had to go through.

 

How is your husband treating you now?

 

Has he been more respectful towards you emotionally?

 

Here's a hug for you for what you have been through.

 

Hugs, Rose

[gattsuga]

Maybe drag him to marriage counselling. if he's unwilling, then he's unwilling to make the effort to make things better between you two. he doesn't respect your feelings obviously, and has cheated on you. he's in no position to make any demands, you should have all the power if he wants to change things

[sandra210]

my children do know what happened

even though my husband hasnt changed in personality he has given me no reason not to trust him i think he realises what he could of lost and doesnt want to go through it again

one thing i didnt say was this other womens marridge wasnt good her husband had a affair then she went with this other womens husband

 

the only reason her husband found out about her having an affair with mine is that she told his brother

they say that the grass is greener on the other side but i dont know what was green about her she didnt work she didnt cook for her kids she slept all day and her house was unkempt

i gave my husband everything what i thought a partner should and my family all my husband would say was that i was boring

but when youve got a family and work its tiring and all of everydays preassures

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and the whole mess nlo

[MessedUpInHead]

Why would BOTH of the neighbors be at your house at times if the neighbors husband knew something was going on???

[sandra210]

sorry dont understand the question

[Shadows Light]

WOW... what a story. Is the baby your husbands???????????

Are you going through marital counseling?

 

1st of all.. THAT MAN NEEDS A JOB. You carried two jobs and he was whiling away the time and letting you wittle away to the bone? shame on him. I don't care what he does.. one dollar is better than making NO MONEY... he's got a home and family to support. Tell him to get his lawn mower out and go mow some lawns, shovel some snow from driveways. GO fix something for the elderly. ANYTHING. What a putz!!! you deserve better than this lady.

 

I can understand the mans self-esteem may have been in the hole from not working and having his wife support him. But God helps those who help themselves.... there are many ways to skin a cat and he chose the road of least resistance. Apathy... and the drug of his choice to comfort his self-induced pain was finding LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES.

 

I'm sorry.. there is no way you can be boring to him. You are bone tired. Working 2 jobs and taking care of house and children.. and HIM. I doubt anyone would be in a YIIPEEEEE LETS HAVE FUN mood.

 

Please tell me you are seeking proffesional counseling with him.

[Beec]

1st of all.. THAT MAN NEEDS A JOB. You carried two jobs and he was whiling away the time and letting you wittle away to the bone? shame on him. I don't care what he does.. one dollar is better than making NO MONEY... he's got a home and family to support. Tell him to get his lawn mower out and go mow some lawns, shovel some snow from driveways. GO fix something for the elderly. ANYTHING. What a putz!!! you deserve better than this lady.

 

I may agree with you, but how many women would people say that about?

[skyjuice]

one thing i didnt say was this other womens marridge wasnt good her husband had a affair then she went with this other womens husband

 

the only reason her husband found out about her having an affair with mine is that she told his brother they say that the grass is greener on the other side but i dont know what was green about her she didnt work she didnt cook for her kids she slept all day and her house was unkempt

i gave my husband everything what i thought a partner should and my family all my husband would say was that i was boring

but when youve got a family and work its tiring and all of everydays preassures

 

Hi

 

Going after others woman husband because her husband cheated or unhappy marriage? This create a bad reaction chain.

 

Not necessary the grass is greener, it is just that they haven't known long enough to see the "true colours"

[Shadows Light]

I may agree with you, but how many women would people say that about?

 

Beec.... I'm sorry if I generalized and offended. I mean no disrespect. I do know a few "Stay at Home" dads...and its working out great for the family. Its very difficult to stay in the middle class without two paychecks coming into the house. I think I'm a rare bird Beec.... I've said the same to my SIL. Who whines about needs and wants but chose to stay home. She had growing teen boys who ate them out of house and home. A part time job on her part helped them at least kick in for groceries.

 

If this guy had this much time on his hands that he's the town flirt... then he can give her some relief and find a job.

 

When a person comes home bone tired from working and then kicks it into gear at home and works some more... where is there tme and energy to feel or look Sexy and interesting. There isn't.

 

I think couples need to take care of EACH OTHER. Make sure they look after one another. Work at this thing called life shoulder to shoulder, back to back... pulling the plow together.

 

I have absolutely no respect for this man. And you know what.... I'd say the same of a woman who wasn't kicking it into gear. If she was home eating bon-bons and messing around with the milk-man, ups man, and the next door neighbor.. while hubby put in two jobs and came home and worked.... I'd say she was pretty worthless too. Life is to damn tough without carrying around this kind of anchor around your neck. No one needs this type of D-R-A-G.

[Beec]

I don't have a lot of respect for him either, and I might end to agree with you about him needing to work, or do something. Regardless of his work or lack of work, there's no excuse for his affair. He cheated.

 

However, the remark seemed very sexist to me. If I had said that about a stay-at-home Mom, I would readinly predict that mroe than one woman would just all over me.

 

I think my biggest concern for Sandra210 is that this has gone on for years and it not behind them. She is married to a man she does not trust and respect. He seems to have not respected her either, and I cannot tell if he does now. That's no way to be married.

 

If you want a decent marriage, you need to have some trust, treat each other with real respect, be friends, and have some passion for each other. This can take different forms, but it need to exist. I think Sandra210 and her husband either need to find some mutual respect and trust or begin their lives apart, soon.

[Shadows Light]

BEEC..... I'm right there with you on the RESPECT clause.

 

Personally... I have to RESPECT my S.O. and have admiration to feel that special something something for him. And I have to have that in return. It sounds as if its hugely lacking in this marriage. Trust?? How can there possibly be trust???

 

I'm all for turning over every stone until you've collected and analyzed all the data. I'm all for the counseling and trying to make it work. But at some point... there has to be an end-point... where someone says, the buck stops here, I'm putting in and getting diminishing returns.

[Very green]

I too have been cheated on, and it feels like the worst kind of hurt. I have been going online trying to find ways to deal with it, and found a blog spot. It is called link removed Whilst you may not want to post on it?! it has some useful links which give tips on getting over or coping with infidelity.

 

TTFN