In love again, but she's not my wife

[Soren]

I feel so lame that my first post on this forum is about my falling in love with another woman.

 

We work together. We are co-teachers. I can't get her off my mind. Nor do I want to, despite how painful it is to feel so deeply in love and keep myself from making it known, to her... or my wife.

 

I will never cheat on my wife. Ours is a deep loving partnership and friendship. It is more valuable to me than anything. But here I find myself heart-wrenchingly in love with the woman at work. I love every move she makes, every idea she shares, every gesture, facial expression. I love making her laugh. I love her fine, graceful body and how she moves it about.

 

I can't get enough of her. We have been teaching together and sharing with eachother how great it has been. Neither of us has worked so closely with someone and so thoroughly enjoyed it. She is as enthusiastic as I am. We also have dinner together after work at least twice per week, drinks on Friday with other colleagues (until we split and the two of us go on for another elsewhere. She has also become my movie partner, since my wife despises going to the movies.

 

I am in love in the classic sense.

 

But it is killing me to not be able to share this with anyone. Again, I WILL NOT cheat on my wife for anything. I am doing my best to keep this love to myself until it passes. Unfueled, it always passes. At least that is my expereince so far in life. But I am bursting. I am pacing. I am fantasizing. I am... I really, really dig this woman at work. And it is eating up my insides. So much so that I am starting to wish it all undone, wishing that I'd never met her and that all m attention was on my wife.

 

I feel so not in control. It feels great and horrible at the same time. Why do I always go down this same road? I mean the falling in love with these other women.

[DizzyDoris]

You mean you've done this before?!!

 

You say you will not cheat on your wife, but emotionally you already are.

Does your wife know you go for dinner and to the movies with this woman?

 

If you have such strong feelings for this woman,and truly love your wife, you need to distance yourself from this co-worker before the temptation gets too much. You say you wont cheat but the more time out of work you spend with her, the more likely you are to do something about it.

 

I dont think you love her, sounds more like lust to me. How would you feel if your wife was doing this? I think you should put more effort into your marriage, compromise with your wife. So she doesnt like the movies? talk to her, why not do one movie night with your wife, then spend another evening doing something she enjoys.

 

If you stop in such close contact with this other woman, your only gonna feel worse, affairs are extremely messy and the array of feelings that come with them (for all 3 parties) are NOT nice. I truly hope you dont go down that road.

[robowarrior]

What you need to do is to change your job to a job with a typical men only environment. Like factory work or just a change of jobs in general. Because you need to prevent situations in where you can be tempted by other woman. That way it will be easier for you , instead of constantly being eaten alive. Im not saying a job change is easy, im just saying it might get a little easier on you not constantly being in that womans presense.

[Juliana]

Why are you falling in love with other women all the time? How old were you when you got married? What attracted you to your spouse? Why is your wife okay with the extremely "date-like" behaviour you are showing this other woman?

 

Is your marriage a marriage, or a parent-child relationship you've grown out of?

[california_love2006]

i really dont agree, that you are cheating. I know what you mean about that, and i too would never ever ever cheat. I've come to find out that maybe our significant other's are lacking something, its hard to explain. but you did mention this person likes to go out to movies, while your wife doesnt. maybe this woman gives you something your wife doesnt. yeah, i really dont know how to put this in words, but really all you can do is let it pass. My problem, was that my boyfriend wasn't giving me enough attention at first, even though i love him deeply and vice versa, whenever a guy gave me more attention, i fell for him. Not in love, but wishing i could get this type of behavior from my boyfriend as well. I'm sorry i cant explain it better, but i kinda know what you mean when you say you have these types of feelings.

[Soren]

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful, straightforward responses. You've given me much to think about.

 

Just to make writing easier, I'll call my wife Sarah and my co-worker Caroline.

 

First, to answer a few questions: Yes, my wife, whom I'll call Sarah, knows of our friendship, that Caroline is my movie partner (which Sarah is actually happy about since I no longer bother her about with it), and that we have dinner 2-3 times per week. The dinners are usually because of how late we work planning and problem-solving. We are both significant leaders in our school and shoulder a lot of responsibilites.

 

I have fully disclosed to Sarah everything that goes on with Caroline and, because of our unique trust bond, I can share it with some enthusiasm. However, I have not expressed the love I am feeling for Caroline. That would be devastating. And I am not sure what it would accomplish.

 

Doris, thank you for your thoughtful response. I appreciate what you've said about "emotional cheating." I am definitely reflecting on that. My initial response, though, is to wonder whether it is realistic to expect to be fully emotionally fulfilled by a single person. How can that possibly happen? I have many realtionships that feed me emotionally in ways that Sarah could never do. She is only one person. BUT, this is only an intial response to your thoughts an i am aware that it may be somewhat defensive.

 

I do admit that lust is present. And I want to be honest about it. Despite never having acted on such lust for others, despite it remaining an internal experience, I think this is the part that always ends up complicating things. This is the kind of attention I have promised to Sarah.

 

Robowarrior, you are right that it might be best to find a job where there were no women around, but being a teacher limits that greatly.

 

Juliana, your questions are thought-provoking:

 

Why are you falling in love with other women all the time?

 

I don't know. Undoubtedly, I am attracted to aspects of women that I am not getting from Sarah. I find people factinating, not just women, and tend to explore relationships deeply. With women, though, I often stumble into that place where social barriers start crumbing. I fall in love (and, yes, lust).

 

How old were you when you got married?

 

Twenty-four. Sarah was 23.

 

What attracted you to your spouse?

 

Initially, it was because she was(is) hot. Then... she loved me so deeply.

 

Why is your wife okay with the extremely "date-like" behaviour you are showing this other woman?

 

Wel, we don't live conventional lives so "date-like" is too relative a term. But she understands my need for meaningful relationships. She trusts me. Although to what extent I am not sure.

 

Is your marriage a marriage, or a parent-child relationship you've grown out of?

 

I think we entered a sort of double parent child relationship. I know that negates the meaning of the term, but it is the only way to desribe it. We were both seeking parental types. We have grown out of that, together, and found our own ground. But like all relationships, neither is the complete package of met needs for the other.

 

California Love, I am not so sure it is cheating either. I don't know. On the one hand I don't think it is realistic to require that all ones deep emotional needs be met by one person (who is evolving as I am over a lifetime). On the other, I think I do enter a realm of emotion that I have committed to Sarah. Being in love consumes so much emotional energy. And containing it so that both Sarah and Caroline are mostly unaware is a killer.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that this will pass without me making any mistakes outside the mind. But the road can be long and messy.

[Soren]

There is something I am not saying. This is so hard to say even in an anonymous forum, but what is the sense of seeking advice if I am not being open. So here is an embarrassing truth:

 

While I have likely "emotionally cheated" on Sarah many times, she had been physically cheating on me for the first 6 years of our marriage with multiple partners. In some significant ways we have gotten through the infidelity together and she has come a long way in dealing with her past and present life.

 

I know my introduction to these forums is clunky and awkward, but this is my first time making connections with others about it.

 

Well, that was a first.

[BillyJean714]

Sara cheated on you and confessed? Or is this based on assumption?

 

I'm assuming, she confessed and that's why you said you both tried "working on it together."

 

Maybe, subconsciously, you feel like it was unfair that she cheated, so in some ways, you're emotionally cheating to get even (not in a vindictive kind of way, but more so because you feel cheated and wronged).

 

I don't know. It's a tough situation. Does Sarah offer you the attention you need? Or do you feel a bit emotionally neglected from her? I really don't know what to say, but all I have to say is, once you're married, BOTH people truly have to stick to their commitment in working on the relationship. I do understand though, that if my partner cheated on me, I would feel deeply resentful..not unless if I cheated myself.

[shes not what she said]

dude you need to just choose which one is right..although this saying is used constantly never go with the one u like over the one u love

[Juliana]

I have more male friends than female, and I am completely unrestrained about how to be with them; I can literally do anything I want. This is simply my husband's acknowledgment, after living with a woman who cheated on him for years, that we have no control over what our spouses do. He doesn't say "you can't do this/that, or see this person or that person," because he knows that ultimately people only control themselves.

 

So I am perhaps in a good position to examine your behaviour & possible motivations, as I enjoy the exact same level of freedom with my spouse. And when I say "date like," I mean date-like. Going out to dinner with a woman, going to a bar, and going to movies with her, are all standard activities that one does on dates. I know perfectly well when I go to the movies with one of my guy friends, that this puts him in a great light, relative to my husband, who is probably going to be home watching tv in his old clothes when I get back. I don't expect my husband to meet all my emotional needs, but I am completely sure of which ones he has to meet, and expects to meet, and you are too, because you haven't told your wife you think you're in love with this woman. Until you do that, you are in an emotionally dishonest position with your wife, and that's what's making you uncomfortable. Not the possibility of cheating.

 

I think you should bite the bullet and face reality, and tell your wife. See what happens then. Otherwise, your soul is just going to slowly wither away and die under the weight of your rationalizations and self-justification. In another year, you won't even be able to admit to yourself that your wife doesn't know you're in love with other women all the time, and you won't care. Bringing up your wife's past affairs is something of a red herring; if you have in fact worked through it, the past is the past. You are perhaps subconsciously building a case to justify your own infidelity, imagining that your wife will or could be open to it. But you need to discuss that with her, which you aren't going to do, because then she, too, could go have a lover -- and you don't want that.

 

Oh, and incidentally, this woman doesn't mean anything to you. It's narcissistic self-gratification you're engaging in. Otherwise, there wouldn't have been "many" infatuations; there would have been one. And it would have been serious.

[lovecrazy]

Soren...you are getting attached to another women. Love is a strong word. Could it be that you might still be upset with your wife, for physically cheating on you for 6 years of marriage. So that you keep getting emotinally involved with other women, as your own secret little revenage...Kinda of twisted yes, but just a thought.

 

On a serious note, getting emotionally involved with another person, is cheating in a way...You should be spending more time with your wife, then with another women. Get interested in her life, her interests. Which since you are married I am sure you have. But maybe try new things together...

 

Hope that helped...and plase keep us updated...

[pregnantkitty_1985]

There is something I am not saying. This is so hard to say even in an anonymous forum, but what is the sense of seeking advice if I am not being open. So here is an embarrassing truth:

 

While I have likely "emotionally cheated" on Sarah many times, she had been physically cheating on me for the first 6 years of our marriage with multiple partners. In some significant ways we have gotten through the infidelity together and she has come a long way in dealing with her past and present life.

 

I know my introduction to these forums is clunky and awkward, but this is my first time making connections with others about it.

 

Well, that was a first.

 

Soren,

 

at first I was ready to rant at you, just a bit. The fact is, you're emotionally cheating. Also, I find it quite hard to believe that Sarah and Caroline are not aware of this 'love' that you feel. She's not concerned that you're spending so much time with another woman? And Caroline, she's not questioning why you spend so much time with her rather than your wife? She can't tell by the look in your eyes how you feel towards her? I find this very hard to believe. If you really in love with someone, that's something that's quite hard to hide. It shines through regardless. At least, this is what I believe.

 

But, I just read the post you made about your wife cheating on you physically for the first 6 years of the marriage (and with multiple partners!)

 

This says a lot to me. One, by her actions, you started to feel that something was missing in her character, something you yourself couldn't understand as you said you would never physically cheat. (And that's a redeeming quality in you, I feel. Thank god.) Two, you started to feel as if she didn't love you in the way she claimed to when she married you. You have not directly said this, and perhaps you don't even realize it. But the fact is, you're looking for love in other women; why? Think. Take a moment and think. I think this started when you discovered your wife's infidelity; am I right? I think the emotional 'affairs' stem from not feeling loved by the woman you still seem to love in your own way. You resent her, but perhaps you don't fully realize it. You said you're looking for aspects in other women that your wife cannot fulfill. Well, go figure. Cheating on you shows an incredible lack of character. No wonder you're searching for better aspects of a significant other in other women.

 

This doesn't excuse the fact that you're having an emotional affair with another woman; but the fact is, you're not physically cheating. Also, you expressed that you would never do such a thing. You CAN choose whether you physically committ an act or not. You can't choose who you love; or rather, you can't stop yourself from feeling what you feel. I think it's your wife's betrayal that brought this on; you're looking for someone who will love you unconditionally and who will not compromise that love by cheating. I'll wager a bet that this teacher chick has the same sort of views on cheating; as in, she would never do such a thing as it shows such immorality. Am I correct? It's clear you're looking to her for something your wife lacks.

 

I don't know what sort of advice to give you however; if I was your wife, to be quite honest I'd find this incredibly painful. But she did choose to do what she did, and that makes me wonder why did you choose to stay with her? And what sort of excuses did she have to betray you as she did? That all said, if I was you, I'd be suffering some severe mental conflicts. That had to be horribly painful to you. I'd suggest therapy; couples counselling maybe? That is, if you're planning on making your relationship with your wife work without you resorting to * * * for tat, i.e., cheating on her as she did with you. You're clearly intelligent, you know that two wrongs don't make a right.

 

OR, (and I fully realize this may not be the popular opinion on this site), but maybe you need to end things with your wife. She's been unfaithful to you, she's broken your wedding vows. As a result, you're clearly emotionally suffering. You look for love and better qualities in other women because in the back of your mind, you're resentful about what happened, your ego is suffering, subconsciously you feel the need to retaliate even passively, and you KNOW you deserve someone better. If you're truly in love with this other women, then you seriously need to end things with your wife. Don't get any deeper and end up cheating yourself. Also if you did end things with your wife, don't be so quick to jump into something with the other woman.. you don't even know how she feels in return. You don't even know if what you feel is real, or in fact a passive-aggressive attempt at retaliation. That's why the bigger issue is not this other woman, (as evident by the fact that there was other women), but the fact that you feel the need to look for certain things in other people. The issue is your wife. All of this ... other stuff.... isn't the big picture. It's what transpired between you and your wife and why.

 

Normally I would never advise a person to end things with their wife. In fact if she hadn't of cheated on you, I'd be like, "shame on you." But the fact that she did cheat changes things greatly.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

 

 

 

Oh, and incidentally, this woman doesn't mean anything to you. It's narcissistic self-gratification you're engaging in. Otherwise, there wouldn't have been "many" infatuations; there would have been one. And it would have been serious.

 

Honestly, I think his many 'infatuations' stem from the fact that his wife cheated on him, and he's subconsciously retaliating.

 

From what I percieved through reading his post, I think he's rather on the passive-aggressive side, and this is his way of retribution. I think he's not completely aware of this, hence why he feels that he's truly in "love" with this other woman. It may pass, and he will realize in time that like the others, it was merely an infatuation. Still, if it's something meaningful, maybe that's why he's referring to it as "love" rather than an 'infatuation' as he chose to name the others.

 

But, I don't think the other women are really even the issue; the issue lies in between he and his wife. Which is why counselling or even a seperation may be in order.

[Juliana]

"From what I percieved through reading his post, I think he's rather on the passive-aggressive side, and this is his way of retribution. I think he's not completely aware of this, hence why he feels that he's truly in "love" with this other woman. It may pass, and he will realize in time that like the others, it was merely an infatuation. Still, if it's something meaningful, maybe that's why he's referring to it as "love" rather than an 'infatuation' as he chose to name the others."

 

Possibly. I go by his statement that they have worked through this, and the other things he's said about his marriage. And I lean towards the narcissistic explanation (I speak as if I know what I'm talking about ) because he claims to have loved all these women. There is no mention of anger towards any woman in his posts, not his wife, not the affair partner, but there is a great deal of idealization of the affair partner, such as you would find in narcissistic cathexis. The fact that he engages in serial affairs of this type also indicates narcissism; for revenge, I believe he would go all the way and actually sleep with them, but in narcissism, he has to defend his "higher interpretation of morality" to maintain his image of himself as a good person.

 

This degree of narcissism is not pathological, incidentally. It's close to normal, and only annoying for the people involved.

 

He needs to enter into a greater degree of bonding with his wife, which was disrupted by the affairs; I will give you that -- I think the affairs damaged his marriage. But I think that's completely reparable with greater self-exposure and communication. Granted, the larger problem may be with the wife.

 

OP: Please remember that I am strictly a boob on the internet. No particular qualifications exist beyond my experience in life...for what it's worth.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Good theory; I did not really think of it like that. It's an interesting take on things.

 

 

 

Same here.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

so let's see... it sounds like both you and your wife haven't let marriage interfere with your dating!

 

there are some couples who decide an 'open' relationship is what they need to be happy, but frequently that comes to a bad end, when both are experimenting and 'trying on' someone else for size all the time, sooner or later the marital bond between you can snap... your wife may have taken it further with actual sex involved, but both of you seem to be very actively 'dating' while only playing at marriage.

 

one thing i would point out is that the 'opportunity cost' principle applies here... if you are both investing so much time and attention in other people, then you are NOT investing it in each other. by spending time developing relationships with other people, you are not spending time developing your own... that will usually lead to a marriage that falls apart when one or the other feels less connection to their spouse than someone else, and decides they have more emotional investment in someone else and hence leaves the marriage...

 

so at a minimum i'd say you're playing with fire here, and at a maximum, this marriage is already burned out, it just hasn't collapsed yet.

 

if you value your marriage, i'd take it to a marriage counselor IMMEDIATELY before one or the other decides to slink off with another person permanently..

[Soren]

Thanks, all. Again, I am finding your comments very helpful. It is hard to maintain clear thinking alone. There have been so many things written that have moved or provided a good slap in the face.

 

As for my feelings for caroline, perhaps I don't mean "love" so much as infatuation, as some of you have said.

 

Sarah and my relationship is made of some strong bonds, some of which have been formed during the post-affair(s) time. There is no doubt that the love we share is powerful, meaningful and fulfilling. But do I trust her commitment of fidelity 100%? No. As much as she has done to deal with her own problems, and as much as we together have explored our individual and relationship isues, what she had done has left indellible scars. The wounds heal but scars remain.

 

One thing you folks have made me realize is that I might still be driven by anger on some level. I might have some lingering jealousy or skewed sense of "cheating back." I don't want to live with that nonsense.

 

And I agree with you all that I whatever I do, I have to be able to be honest with Sarah. We both deserve that.

 

But as one of you said, my bringing up Sarah's affairs is a bit of a red herring. My occasional infatuations did not begin after I discovered her affairs. And I'd be fooling myself I argued that there is no way she isn't aware of my "enthusiasm" for Caroline.

 

Anyway, that you all for your candidness. It's priceless. There is no way to say what the words are doing for me as I try to justify some lame behavior. Funny how we do that.

 

I'll definitely keep you posted.

[staticcling]

take it from someone who is currently the "other woman" that you are playing with fire. you say you would never cheat and i am telling you it is a slippery slope, even for the most moral of people. and the loss is devestating, even when you are in love with the person withwhom you cheat. its heartbreak on either side.

 

keep your boundaries tight . that's my advice.

 

i lost my marriage, he lost his. we are together now, and in love but on rocky foundation and everyone is against us. if we hadn't yielded to the honest love we felt, we would have saved ourselves alot of heartache. and others too.

[antibarbie]

I recently found out my boyfriend had an emotional relationship with another woman. I was devastated. We've both had our failings, rather similar to your and your wife's just on a smaller scale. I'm having a hard time dealing with it, and I have to feel like the bad guy because I have to deal with my past (as in before he did what he did) indescretion being thrown in my face to justify what he did. Because it's not sex, he thinks it's not as bad.

 

Because I messed up, I am privy to some understanding of how something like that could happen, but I feel like what I did wasn't worse than him just different. Here is why; the word cheat means to take something away from someone who it rightfully belongs to. You are cheating your wife out of your love by dividing it between two people. Sex should be an act of love, but it isn't always, but there's no way to explain to someone else that a sexual slip up may not be motivated by love at all but rather an emptiness caused by a lack in the current relationship. That is not an excuse. Both acts are reprehensible. But from my perspective, the emotional cheating was the worst thing he could have done to me. I would have been terribly upset if he had had a sexual encounter with someone else, but the reason why would be because I would have the fear in the back of my mind that he felt love for that person, not because of the sex. I feel cheated because he gave his love to someone else when he should have been giving it to me. At the time that it happened I was giving all of my love, physical and emotional, to him. I had my whole heart in my relationship and I deserved the same in return or else the freedom to search for someone that would be willing to give me what I needed.

 

When you feel content in your relationship with your wife, you will be able to have relationships with other women that fulfill the small things, like someone to go to the movies with, without feeling "love" for them. When your love with your wife is complete, the rest is just details.

[Rabican]

The logical thing for you to do is stop seeing this woman, or stop seeing your wife, and get a divorce. If you love your wife, and want to stay with her then you owe it to her to give her 100% of your heart. How would you feel if your wife (or this other woman, if she was your wife) was doing the same thing behind your back.

 

Pick who you are gonna pick, and then go NC with the other. If that means leaving your job, or just telling this other woman that you have feelings for her, and you cannot continue to see her then thats what you gotta do. Or you can be a bad guy, and continue on the way you are going. But do know, that falling in love with this girl, and going on 'dates' with her after work IS CHEATING. Your wife would be just as crushed to find out that you fell in love with this girl and then continued to see her as she would be if you slept with her.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I'm interested to see if Soren is going to post an update for us.