My boyfriend not as into sex as I am

[Cardinal]

from a man's perspective:

it's a dream many men have, the girlfriend/wife with a high sex drive but when it happens we (men) sometimes are a bit surprised at our own physical capabilities, especially when we are over 40. For a while sex three times a day is fantastic but then we start to be tired all the time and we don't get enough sleep anymore.

My solution to this is not to ejaculate every time because this is the biggest energy drain for a man. I can do it three times a day but orgasm only once a day. That way she gets it three times and I conserve some energy.

Maybe you could take the pressure from him by *ignoring* his penis for a while and maybe try to get off with his hands or mouth instead?

 

This works well for a man of any age in my opinion. It is an extremely valuable piece of advice for any man who has to deal with the emotional and sexual volatility of women. No matter how much drive a man has, a woman can go longer, more frequently and sometimes craves different types of intimacy that all but require a mans sex drive to fulfill.

 

A freaky girl with a high sex drive is what many men dream of in bed. I think it is important for a man to be discerning however. It can be tough initially to separate the the drive for intimacy from the drive for sex...and ime they can be separated. Often that is where the incompatibility arises! I have a pretty strong intimate drive as a man, but I have had recently had to learn to 'reject' my partner and do so tactfully. She wants more of some things than I can provide....its a whole new experience for me and threw me for a loop big time!

[Batya33]

My opinion for what it's worth (and I will PM you too). It sounds like he feels pressured and suffocated. You are too giving and available and not challenging him - you give him oral sex, let him talk non stop without you getting any air time (I bet he doesn't ask about your day often, am I right?), etc. I say - lavish yourself a bit more and tell him that for the next month you will not have sex - you will have foreplay, kissing, hugging, etc but hold off on the sex. Make him see how it is to miss it.

 

Some say - not sure if it's true - that the health of the sex life reflects the health of the rest of the relationship. I also think the disinterest in physical intimacy - hugging, kissing - may be unrelated to the disinterest in intercourse unless he feels that if he starts down that path - even friendly cuddling - you will want sex each time.

[candy604]

wow sounds like he needs some growing up to do or maybe men in their 40's loose the sex drive?

[Siriana]

I don't actually know if my opinion matters - I am 26, so I don't know how sex life looks like after 2 kids and a mariagge. But I can say something about his immaturity and controlling ways of behaviour.

 

Since this was a problem with his ex wife too, I really think it is not your fault or about you having a high sex drive. It is just a proof that it is about him. If you were a person who was happy not having sex for longer periods of time and finding watching TV the best fun for relaxed evenings, than maybe you wouldn't have problems in your relationship. Two people who are still pretty much jung and are not interested in sex? It exists, but I am not shure if this helps a relationship.

Also if a person is mature you can make some sort of compromise if the differences are not huge. Than saying gently, I am not in a mood for sex tonight but how about a relaxed weekend where we can try.....is not a problem and not insulting to other person. But his way of behaving is not so mature. I guess if he acted with more tact that you wouldn't be so frustrated with maybe once a week sex and some masturbation in the meanwhile? I know that when I am not in a modd for having sex I have nothing against giving oral - it lasts less longer, and it's not so demanding. How about asking him for some oraL. I know that I can have oral a lot, but two times a week having sex is enough for me.

 

Also I got an impression that you are settling with him because you are 39 and you think your looks will detoriate and that he's your last catch. Why his wife didn't think the same? Looks like you still look great and you take care of yourself. I wouldn't worry about it much. I would be having those toughts but I wouldn't let them take over my reasoning. So ask yourself if I was 35 would I left him? Or maybe 33? My mom is now 49 and she looks like 39 and to tell you the truth she can still find a partner if she wants too. man find her attractive. And she is not taking care of herself as much as you do - the only thing she does is dying her hair and not beeing overweight. And she isn't dressed up. But she is happy person with a lot of energy - the moment you loose your will to live and to be active you stop beeing attractive to man, and to tell you the truth it just doesn't look like you're that type of person.

 

The question, from my perspective, is how mature is he for a normal relationship and how much he can give as a partner. (For example, life is really frustrating sometimes, so does it really help if a person wants to lead philosophy discussions in the evening? Talking, talking and talking? What benefits can you get from just talking, disussing things that can't be changed, and rewinding daily frustrations all night long)

 

And at the end of my way too long post, if you think it is not only his fault what are the chances of you two beeing incompatible? Sometimes both sides give their best, but their ways are so different that each person stays emotionaly unfulfilled (I hope this word exists). It happened to me and it was exausting, it lasted two years and I started resenting that person way too much.

 

If my post looks way to pesimistic for you please ignore it.

[artist777]

Logically, I would do this. It is the right answer.

When I was younger, I would have done it. Honestly, at this age, I need it. I physically need it. I have never been like this before. I need to get up and walk away in order to stop thinking about it. It's like a craving. And the more he plays games w/ it, the worse it gets. I can understand how teenage boys feel. But I get resentful, too. I remember my boyfriend when I was in my 20s. I remember having lots of sex for him when I wasn't really into it b/c he was and I loved him.

Now that I'm at this point in my life, why isn't it reciprocated? I guess some men expect it when they need it, but when a woman has needs, go pound sand.. that's how I'm feeling.

[artist777]

First of all, thank you for your long reply and thank you for taking an interest. If I were younger and did not have a child, I would have left him sooner. It is very difficult for me to date. I do not want my child seeing the revolving door of men. I am alone in NY w/ no family and an ex that doesn't pull his weight. Everytime, I walk out my door, it is $12/hr. for a sitter. I did not relish weeding thru the losers. My boyfriend and I clicked fast, and the chemistry was there. Only after he saw my great interest in intimacy, he backed away. Physically, I need the intercourse. It must be the hormones at this age. But I crave it. I think it's a control thing. He doesn't like feeling on the hook.

If I were not so attracted to him, it would be easier to forget about it and play games. But I find him so hot, and I just don't like games. especially at this age. He has gotten better at being tactful. but, honestly, I know when he's glazing over and just not into it.

I just wish, once, I could wake up next to a man who looked at me like he wanted me and initiated sex like he wanted it...

[artist777]

thank you Batya33. I will try that. Although, I'm really going to miss it. I will be the one suffering the whole time!!

[Beec]

Logically, I would do this. It is the right answer.

When I was younger, I would have done it. Honestly, at this age, I need it. I physically need it. I have never been like this before. I need to get up and walk away in order to stop thinking about it. It's like a craving. And the more he plays games w/ it, the worse it gets. I can understand how teenage boys feel. But I get resentful, too. I remember my boyfriend when I was in my 20s. I remember having lots of sex for him when I wasn't really into it b/c he was and I loved him.

Now that I'm at this point in my life, why isn't it reciprocated? I guess some men expect it when they need it, but when a woman has needs, go pound sand.. that's how I'm feeling.

 

Guys when in their 20s do and say and act in whatever way they have to to get sex. If a woman wanted sensitive guy, he was that. If she wants a jerk, coming up. A mixture of the two, that will take only a few minutes. Whatever it is that will work, a guy in his 20s will do.

 

Obviously, your guy when you were in your 20s did what he needed to do to get it from you.

 

Do the same now.

[artist777]

Beec. Can I tell you, I am. I cook up whatever the hell I have to. I so feel for young men now. I completely understand. I bring the water to my eyes if I have to... LOL only, I just wish he was as into it as I was. Do you think there are older men who still find it interesting and need it?

[Siriana]

For how long manipulation works? Or when you reach your limit on manipulating scale and you choose to send the other person to hell?

[Stambler]

Beec. Can I tell you, I am. I cook up whatever the hell I have to. I so feel for young men now. I completely understand. I bring the water to my eyes if I have to... LOL only, I just wish he was as into it as I was. Do you think there are older men who still find it interesting and need it?

 

Artist - pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaase!

 

I am 46 and could go for it every day. I love it, I love variety, I love the closeness, the sharing, the before and after palyfulness. All I have to do is think about my wife and I get a (you know). But it has been 6 months and NOTHING!!!! Not even sleeping in the same bed or cuddling. I used to do whatever she wanted to please her, that's what turned me on - seeing her turned on. For the first year of our relationship we did it EVERY DAY! The next few years it was 4-5 times per week, up unitl early this year when it all went to hell.

 

She is 36, I am 46. Doesn't match the typical sex drive as related to age scenario does it!

 

I'M GASPING FOR IT!

[Stambler]

Oh, I meant "pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaase" as in "are you kidding about older men?" I wasn't begging you for it!

[Beec]

I know he has a sex drive, Artist, he wanks it, as you said, because it is easier in the morning to take care of himself.

 

It's not about his drive. It is about what he perceives as being worth it. If the streets were paved in gold, not jewelry would be made of it, instead we would wear ashpalt nuggets around our necks.

[artist777]

syrix, so right. I really have seen an ugly side of manipulation and control. Which Karmically I don't deserve. I was always so giving even when I wasn't very into it.

 

feels unfair on a life scale to me...

[artist777]

i think that is so evil to give it to the tub basin, when you have a partner w/ mismatched drive.. No? Or am I blinded by the estrogen? not fair.. It makes me consider infidelity and I'm not shallow like that.

[NJRon]

Since karma spans lifetimes, who's to say what one deserves or doesn't deserve? It's how difficulties are overcome... the intention behind the actions... that determine whether bad karma or good merit is gathered.

 

Perhaps a lesson here is that one shouldn't give beyond their means. Once that happens, a person begins to give with an expectation of receiving something in return. When one fails to receive what they expect, their resentment begins to build.

 

When that happens, often people give more... and more... waiting for the day when the person will start meeting those expectations. When they fail to materialize, feelings continue to get hurt and things go downhill until they implode.

[artist777]

Well personally I don't believe in playing games with affection. It's wrong. I'm not about to measure out what I can give in relation to what I'm getting back. I don't work that way. If I love you and I'm engaging in intimacy with you, I am giving freely and easily, and I will do all I can to watch my partner enjoy themselves. it's not because I want anything in return. It's because that is my character. I guess the world is just made up of givers and takers. The takers find the givers, that's for sure.

[NJRon]

I think that is definitely the case in some instances. It sounds like, early in your relationship, you were both givers. Now, that's not the case. So, you are still giving, but he has stopped and your expectation is that he continue as he did in the past. I'm not saying it is a unreasonable expectation at all... I would expect the same.

 

At what point though, do you draw the line? At what point do you decide to either stop giving so much and lower your expectations (because, as of right now, you are continuing to give and expect more in return than he is giving) or do you decide it's time to move on and find someone who will give you what you need?

 

Just some thioughts...

[artist777]

I guess my question is, if I leave him, get over him, and get into something new. Won't the same thing happen? Men are great in the beginning. Love to sell themselves to you, then they stop giving and stop trying to impress you. Will I find that man, who will want to give me what I need permanently?

[Siriana]

Because of that making decisions always includes risk. Usually we tend to choose a decision that in our opinion brings the best possible gain combined with the risk that looks acceptable to us.

So you have to look at the pro's and con's of both decisions: staying or leaving. Than you need to decide what weight they have for you, and based on that which decision is better for you.

No one knows that except you.

[Batya33]

I think the answer is that you wait until your mindset is positive because my guess is that your negative mindset will prove to be a self fulfilling prophecy. For the record, I have not had the experiences you describe so yes, there are good men out there!

[artist777]

Thank you, everyone!

[Beec]

I'm not about to measure out what I can give in relation to what I'm getting back. I don't work that way.

 

But here you are telling us that you are not getting enough, and I am sure in some way you have been asking for more.

 

That's my whole point in this post. You are asking for it. You are not saying * * * for tat, you are saying I am ready to give more, NOW HE NEEDS to give more, because what you are getting is not enough. He gets that message and is resisting because it's not giving freely if you keep asking for more. Get rid of that message.

[hunz]

I have the same problem!

im always up for sex and always the first to intiate sometimes

i feel like he's not attracted to me...and it hurts

[New_Horizons]

Is he getting enough sleep? I know I totally lose the 'desire' if I'm sleep deprived for more than a day.