My boyfriend not as into sex as I am

[artist777]

I'm having a problem. Feeling very alone. I am 39. My boyfriend is 41. I am very attracted to him and love having sex w/ him. I'm at the height of my sexual peak. I want sex all the time and experiment. But he doesn't feel the same. It started off great, but at the 6 month mark, I noticed his interest drop off considerably. There were lots of control battles over it. I felt like maybe he was using sex as a leverage, because it is so obvious how into it I am. There was a point where I had to initiate and do all the work, if I wanted it.

 

We have really been working on it and he has come a long way in initiating and reciprocating foreplay. I know he loves me. I just don't feel like he truly wants me. We're having sex a lot, but it feels like a gift. His energy reads that this is work and he would rather be sleeping, that it is all for me. I find myself saying 'thank you' a lot. And trying to hurry up and come, so he can get to sleep. My self esteem is shot.

 

I am attractive, I shower constantly; I diet and stay trim. I dress up in outfits, I wear my push up bra to bed. I give him amazing oral sex for long periods of time EVERY time. I know he is having a great time, but yet, his energy about our sex reads as if it is a big favor to me. sometimes in the morning, he complains about how tired he is, while I'm over the moon about how in love I am w/ him..

 

We love each other--there is no question about that. But I am a very passionate, sexual person. I want to enjoy this period of my life and see the desire in my partners behavior and actions. Help?

[Beec]

If he is always getting signals that you are constantly ready to have sex, then sex is something always available to him, that may be a demotivating factor. We want what we cannot have, not that which is always there for the asking.

 

Maybe there should be some days when you wear the granny nighty to bed, and signal you not being interested. At that time, he may pull it up and jumps you. Or he may respond more when he thereafter sees you dressed to entice him.

[scarew]

Yes I agree with beec. Play a little hard to get. Is it possible he is just bad at communicating during sex?

[amtjrtcet]

If he is always getting signals that you are constantly ready to have sex, then sex is something always available to him, that may be a demotivating factor. We want what we cannot have, not that which is always there for the asking.

 

Maybe there should be some days when you wear the granny nighty to bed, and signal you not being interested. At that time, he may pull it up and jumps you. Or he may respond more when he thereafter sees you dressed to entice him.

 

Beec is so right

[artist777]

I have tried that. And we go w/o it, because he doesn't initiate. He will just take care of it in the morning after I leave. Hell, it's easier, right. Then I get more frustrated.. because I have no time alone in the apartment. when i go to the couch to be alone, he will come in and drag me back to bed. And then we don't have it, b/c then he feels under pressure. If I had a minute to myself, we wouldn't have this problem. it's like he doesn't want to feel under pressure, but then won't let me take care of it myself!! we've been through a lot of circles w/ this problem.

[shikashika]

I have had this happen in most of my relationships... and I'm only pushing 30 so its just going to get worse (or better !!

 

i hate the fact that if i'm in a relationship and I want to have sex... i have to pretend i don't want it!! ](*,) i can't do that!

 

i would be hapy with a couple times a day, morning night... maybe one in the middle of the nights... perhaps a quick one on the lunch break if we happen to meet up! i need to find someone who is sexually compatible with me!

 

if i just sit there or lie there waiting for him to make a move then I may not get any

[Stambler]

Tell him that you need some time alone to take care of what he isn't taking care of. That will not only get his attention, but it wil turn him on as well - especially if he saw you (I know that does it for me!!!)

[shikashika]

Tell him that you need some time alone to take care of what he isn't taking care of. That will not only get his attention, but it wil turn him on as well - especially if he saw you (I know that does it for me!!!)

 

i like this idea!!!!!!

[artist777]

He is the type of person where he doesn't want you to know you are having 'an effect' on him. which is a protection mechanism for him. I understand, but it makes me feel crappy and ineffective. I feel unwanted and useless almost. This is a problem he had w/ his ex wife. Only, she left the bed and went to the computer and found someone online and left him. So, he is fearful of me taking off alone somewhere. My heart breaks for him, but my self esteem has taken a far far journey. I can't even see it anymore..

[Stambler]

I hear ya shiska - I wish I had a partner like that. I'm 46 and could still go for at least once per day!

 

My wife and I have not had sex in, ummmmmmmmmmmmm, let's see...

 

6 months!!!

[artist777]

oh, girlfriend, you are my cosmic twin. that is me to a tee. I feel the EXACT same way. I hate pretending. I'm not about that. I want to be able to be open about this and have it. Why the games? I don't understand? That is what love is for. And I'm so generous. I lavish him every time for long periods of oral. I have never lavished anyone like that. I spoil him. why can't I get what I need?

[scarew]

Be strong, confident, and talk to him about it. Maybe once you reached the 6 month mark he doesn't feel the sex drive as much but has a deeper feeling of your love. Sometimes its a trade-off. But it sounds like you need to sit him down and talk to him about it.

 

Tell him that everything is going really great, and you love him.Tell him what he is doing that concerns you, (showing little interest in sex), how it makes you feel, and ask him if he can help you understand him better. Choose your words carefully, men hate condecending words about their manhood.

 

I thought my bf was going through a phase like that at one point. It was because he would never like to have sex during the day. It was like, once we're in bed and everything sure, but what happened to the spontaneous, passionate sex?

 

It turns out his job was stressing him out and mid-day sex was something that he couldnt clear his mind for. He needed time to unwind from his day before he could be sure everything could-er, function properly.

[artist777]

That is so tough. I was celibate after my divorce for 3 years. Just raising my son and being a good mom. When I got into this relationship--my first, I realized what I was missing. I don't want to play games w/ that. Do you think that someone can overcome that incompatibility thing? I am 39 and trying to hold on to my looks. I'm afraid if we stay together, as I get older, he will not want me anymore and neither will anyone else. My looks will slide.

[Stambler]

Artist -

 

True love is blind, please don't worry about getting old and losing your looks. I find that women become more beautiful with age anyway!

[artist777]

well, I've gone off in a huff after we have argued about it. And he will sit outside of the door of the livingroom and make loud noises distracting me. Then when I come out to see what's going on, he's laying on the floor outside the door w/ the comforter. so, I say, okay, let's go to bed, thinking I'll get it, and then he holds out and says I just can't turn it on and off. SO, he won't do me and he won't let me CONCENTRATE to do me... this is a control struggle, no?

[Stambler]

Something I just don't get...

 

I read post after post about partners with opposite sex drives - have you ever noticed this? Why is it that low sex drive people don't end up with other low sex drive people and vice-versa. Could it be God's way of ensuring procreation accross the masses? (LOL)

[artist777]

Thank you, Camber. I have never had a relationship like this before. I have never had control struggles like this over 'the thing'. that combined w/ aging is wreaking havoc w/ my ego.

[Stambler]

Sorry to say this artist, but he sounds childish. Does he giggle when he sees you naked?

[artist777]

you know... I told him when we were dating, that I had a high sex drive. He was very thrilled and curious. I think it surprised him and threatened his manhood a little. Hell, I didn't want to do that? I just want to express myself and have love and sex. that's all. where is the crime?

[artist777]

He is very childish; can remind me very much (sexually) of a teenage boy. And he can be pretty controlling when it comes to this issue. I feel like he is trying to control me w/ it. Yet, when we have a heart to heart about it, he will cry and say he feels inadequate. I just don't know what to do.

[Stambler]

Well Artist,

 

I wasn't childish, but I was needy, whiny and controlling. My wife of 5 years hit me with the "I'm not in love with you anymore and I want a divorce". 9 months later we are still together (as I said - no sex in 6 months - her choice) and I am making wonderful changes in my life - for me. If she doesn't want to take me back, then I will be a much better person for the next luck woman.

 

Try dropping a bomb on him - that is if you really want to stay with him. If he loves you, he'll make the changes.

[artist777]

ok. this complicates the problem. 6 months ago, we had a little split and I found out there was someone else. only, he started w/ her a little before we split. Played us both for a while. when i found out, I told him that I would never speak to him again. He begged me back. begged. I saw a 360 turnaround in his behavior. said he only had her b/c of this problem and his manhood needed boosting. I have seen big changes in him, but this sexuality issue is still there.

[Stambler]

He cannot rely on you (or any other person) to boost his manhood, or his happiness, or anything else.

 

I think he has some problems, would he consider counseling?

 

I can't believe I'm writing to a 39 year old woman who wants sex as often as I do, yet we are both with partners who aren't interested!!!

 

Life is strange!

[Beec]

If you want him to do what you want him to do, then you simply without question will be manipulating him. if you being open and asking does not work, then you can either continue to do as you have done, create more frustration and ran your skull into this wall, or you can try something new. If you want him to want something, do what it takes to get him to want that, i.e. more sex.

 

Anything you do should not be expected to work overnight. Acting uninterested for one day is not going to measure its true effect. He may need to think it is not an act.

 

One other thing I would want you to think about, how does he feel if you just ask, and ask, and ask?

 

Things you might consider: wearing a granny nighty for a week, and then on and off; challenging his manhood; masturbating in front of him; asking him to stop masturbating; writing nasty fantasy and/or fetish stories and leaving them where he will find them; and any other number of things. If you want more, motivate him to give you more, or continue as things are.

[markfromark]

from a man's perspective:

it's a dream many men have, the girlfriend/wife with a high sex drive but when it happens we (men) sometimes are a bit surprised at our own physical capabilities, especially when we are over 40. For a while sex three times a day is fantastic but then we start to be tired all the time and we don't get enough sleep anymore.

My solution to this is not to ejaculate every time because this is the biggest energy drain for a man. I can do it three times a day but orgasm only once a day. That way she gets it three times and I conserve some energy.

Maybe you could take the pressure from him by *ignoring* his penis for a while and maybe try to get off with his hands or mouth instead?