Black and bruised... abused... confused....everything...

[Midori]

hi everyone,

 

im new here and i just need some friends to understand my situation.. maybe help me make a good decision.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months, and it was great. we love each other so much, everyone thought we were a perfect couple. And then once we got into a fight, and he beat me. My arms were bruised.... and he said he would never do it again. And then when we got into arguments, he calls me a that im stupid, im disgusting.. etc. this is all because he go party or clubbing and has never tried drugs. The last time I did drugs was 10 years ago, and i don't smoke, drink much anymore, and because of him, i dont party either. my life revolves around him and i am happy with it because i love him. but all our fights end up with him calling abusive names. when we fix it, and i ask him why he's so mean, he says, "its just to scare you, i dont mean it." also, when i want to go party, he goes, "why are you such a prostitute? how much do you charge?"

 

i put up with it because im scared i wont find anyone better. maybe thats the idea he's planted in my head.

 

last night, he beat me for an hour. he choked me, slapped me, punched me, bit me... kicked me... pushed me... and im black and blue and bruised all over. i hid in the bathroom and called a friend and she came to pick me up, and he hid in the bedroom. and i slept at her house last night. and then this morning, he went to my house but i never went home. and he told me he loves me and he is sorry for what he did.

 

im so sad... and confused. i really do love him and i want him to change but is it even possible? is it wishful thinking? i love him with all my heart and he's my first real true love... im just so brokenhearted i dont know what is the right thing.. or my head knows but my heart may not be so strong to follow through... please help....

[Daddy Bear]

you're scared you can't find somebody better? honey, how could you do any worse, go out with Freddy Krueger?

 

it's very unlikely that he'll change any time soon. you already know what you need to do. don't stick with an abusive partner just because he's your first love. ask yourself honestly, does he really love you back? could YOU bring yourself to beat on HIM and say damaging things like that again and again?

 

get away from him before he severely injures you or worse, and file a police report and a restraining order. there are a lot of women on this site who will help you through this.

[melrich]

He won't change without help. Maybe the best thing you can do for him (and you) is to report him to the police. He really does need help (so do you) and I think if he was ordered to participate in Anger management or Domestic abuse programs that may be the only way he will get help.

 

Whatever way you choose to respond, you cannot go on living in this arrangement with violence hanging over your head.

 

Where do you live?

[BYOB]

This is insane.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay this is some kind of situation that is often lived but that is never acceptable. I suggest you to do a small research on this forum to find other posts of women having experiences similar to yours. Is he always under the effect of drugs or alcool when he beats you ? Either if he's packed or not when he is on you (harassment, insults, beating, etc, whatever), he is the cause of your problem. This means that you are not the cause of your problems. I want this to be clear.

 

I got a feeling about what that means to you but you really have to stop seeing him. Ever seen that movie with Jennifer Lopez that gets beaten and she leaves home but gets followed and she learns to defend herself since the police won't help ? If it comes to the case where he follows you, that's what you gotta do too.

 

If you wanna help him and make a bright move, you have to leave him. It might be the event that he needs to realize that he needs helps about anger management problem. That's all.

 

Plus, you have to report that story to someone you know that can help you. Good thing you've opted for here first. Keep fighting. Be strong.

[Dako]

You need to get help from people who deal with battered women.

 

He has you too afraid to leave on your own.

Being alone would be a treat compared to the fear and humiliation he enjoys forcing on you. This isn't love, it's fear.

Love is something completely different, a life without bruises, fear or subserviance to a selfish abuser.

 

Get out the phone book and look up organizations that will give you the strength to do the right thing. Leave this guy before you're more damaged and dependant on someone who hurts you.

[zrehman]

He is the classic case of a dirtbag. If you love someone, will you ever hurt them physically?? Does he ever beat his mother?? He will never change and he doesn't really LOVE YOU, because if he did, this would NEVER happen.

 

You can find someone so much better than him. Guys like this are meant to be alone for the rest of their lives. Don't feel like you won't be able to love again, cause I promise you can find a guy better than him almost anywhere. Don't let him touch you, or I'll come there and kick his * * * back to mars!

[itsallgrand]

Where are you now? With a friend?

 

If your friend let you stay at her house, she/he will be there for you and listen. This person loves you. Let them help. Tell them you are ready to let them help you, and that you do not want to be hurt anymore.

 

Go to a Woman's Shelter. That is all you have to do. If you are too afraid to go, then call. Talk to someone. There are many good women/men here who will listen and help as much as they can. Soon links and resources will be found for you in your area. Make use of them. It helps to hear a voice, though, to see a face that understands exactly what you are going through.

 

You are so close to breaking free.

 

I think you have had enough. I hear the pain in your post, and I hear that you are tired, and I hear that you still remember somewhere inside yourself that you deserve so much more than this.

 

This isn't your fault. At all. This isn't your fault. You have not done a thing wrong.

[Midori]

Hey guys, thanks for all your comments. It really helps a lot. Actually, I'm in Shanghai, China, expat working overseas. There really aren't many violence abuse organizations here...

 

I know it's bad to be scared of being alone, but i can't help it in this foreign city. I try to focus on just the work but its nice to go home and have him waiting there for me...I know it's not the right, because when he beats me it all goes bad again.

 

Why are people like this? is it because cant express what they're feeling they need to use violence? How can one human being beat the person they supposedly love?? Or, I thought he loved me...?

[SarahRose]

Please listen. Someone who hits you doesn't love you. Regardless of what they say, they don't love you.

 

Keep yourself safe and ignore his man. He deserves no explanation other than it's over. People who abuse others like this are severely damaged and don't change. The nice guy you fell in love with was just an act to get you hooked so he could start the abuse.

 

Focus on your job there and stay safe with friends. The time of a break up is most when violence can occur. Please end this for your own health and safety.

[BYOB]

I can understand intense feelings, intense emotions. That's what makes him do every move passionate or violent. Love is something as deep and strong but it doesn't head in the same direction as what that guy feels for you.

 

One fear that kind of guy because they have no control. However, he fears himself. All those guys know best to do is physical. That is not something negative until you unleash your emotions so that you start hurting people around you. But being physical doesn't mean those guys are dumb. Some are no brainer, yes, but others are brilliant yet both can't get a hold at what they really want; they hate losing control. Plus, the idea of acting the way he'll be losing what he holds makes him go even more wild. So they try manipulating people. Fear is an excellent way to get what one wants. Taxation ? Torture ? Those methods work best at war; nobody enjoys those.

 

In some way, it's true that they can't express their feelings but they don't want to appear weak so instead of crying, instead of accepting they're wrong, they'll want to repair their fault without any patience to their side. But you can't fix something when you're out of yourself. So again, since you don't want to feel weak, you make the tension go another way. You don't releash it. You keep it in. But when it goes out it's already too big to manage and you act like a bomb.

 

In this case, you can't beat fire with fire. You gotta take the emergency exit.

 

I feel like all you want is to understand. You're confused and are waiting for answers to your interogation to make a move. Keep asking.

 

P.S: zrehman: You'd better not be taking anybody for a dirtbag. EVERYONE got their problem in life and I think that you should pay a lot of respect to those who suffer day after day, thinking and knowing they're a "dirtbag" and still coming home and getting coleric again without anybody to appreciate them for what they do.

Afterall, they might be furious but they're emotional. If someone ever takes the time to help that kind of person, he'll make him a baby that'll cry you rivers.

[yeawutever]

So why are you putting up with it?? If you don't stand up for yourself and report him, then there isn't that much to be done.

[yeawutever]

How can one human being beat the person they supposedly love?? Or, I thought he loved me...?

 

Maybe you can ask yourself "Why can someone be in love with an abuser, scumbag??

[Aurian]

Is being given a rose worth a black eye? A dozen roses? Would you counsel any friend to stay in relationship that seems okay some of the time, but the guy hits her?

 

There are good times, when love does seem to be reciprocated. That makes the bad times harder, because the other teaches us that the bad times are our fault. But it is not.

 

I went through something similar - wanting to know WHY someone who claimed to love me would do this. I left the relationship, but I was still wondering why. In his case, his seeming confidence hid a great insecurity. The only way he could feel good about himself was to push me down, so that he could have one person he could feel better than. The better I did in my life, the more the abuse escalated. He also worried that I would leave him. I reassured him that I loved him and wasn't interested in going, but I guess that fear never went. The abuse was also geared in breaking down my sense of self and making me feel helpless and scared. If he was a bit more clever about it, it would have worked - I would have stayed because I wanted the bits of carrot he dangled before me. He convinced me that I deserved the stick.

 

However, even if I could understand him a bit, the relationship was over. He did not want to change. He didn't TRY in counseling. He didn't TRY to listen to me or respect me. He didn't TRY to fix the relationship. So, I decided that there was no point in my trying to make it work anymore.

[Midori]

Ailec,

 

I was with him because I loved him. Simple as that. And as I mentioned, I live in work in China. There are no authorities here that care about anything. Reporting him won't do anything, they won't even write it down. Moreover, I'm an foreigner in a communist country. Do you think their police would protect me, or him?

 

I'm not try to find excuses to get back with him. I just want to understand why he would be like this. As Aurian mentioned, she tried to understand him too but he wouldn't change. Same with you, Aurian, he hides in insecurity. But he doesn't insult me about my job, etc, It's not that he is concerned if I am more successful. It's something else and I don't know what the issue with his insecurity is.

 

I would just like to know why there are people like this, what makes them like this? I've never been in an abusive relationship before, so what happened was a huge shock for me. Nor did I know he was manipulating me.

 

It was a bad, new experience for me and I'm just trying to understand it. I feel it'll give me more closure.

[itsallgrand]

Ok. If you feel like it will give you closure...

 

He does it because he can. Simple as that.

 

Who am I to say? I used to be an abuser. The reasons for it? Nothing to do with anyone else. Me me me me me me me.

 

Start thinking of it that way. None of it has anything to do with you. At all.

 

He does it because he can. He will continue to do it as long as you let him.

 

So the question is...do you want to be the sucker who serves as his doormat or do you want your life?

 

By the way, where is your home country? I understand you are living in China, but you still can get support through international organizations. There is NO reason for you to live like that.

[Fallout]

Actually I think the police would write down your complaint, maybe even take action...because they're careful now in China to present a good image abroad, and Shanghai is one of the free market zones...and if they don't you can contact the embassy of your country and complain to them, maybe threaten both with going to the press in both countries that could scare them a bit...

 

That being said...if you go back to him (or have you already?) you're just giving him carte blanche to use you / beat you up however he pleases. The more you go back the harder it will be to leave him.

 

And no, he will most likely never change, and surely never change while he has his own personal punching bag.

[Beyondthesea]

Sweetie, I was there too for 7 years of my life. What a waste!

 

They are that way because there are women like us who will put up with it. They think they are 'justified' somehow to treat you this way. In reality, they are very very sick individuals, and very dangerous too.

 

what advice would you give if your sister, friend or mother came to you and told you this same situation? That is what you should do.

 

link removed

 

Go to 'articles' then read "Identifying losers in relationships."

 

By now, he has probably 'wooed' you into thinking that was the last time. I assure you it wasn't. It's time to leave him and keep yourself safe.

 

Read that article, it will change your life.

[Midori]

Hey guys,

 

Yes, I know I should not go back to him. I'm very aware. But, it's hard to separate your heart from all the emotions you felt before. So, I need time to do it.

 

As for China caring about images abroad... they don't even talk about most of the negative happenings to their own people in their magazines. Media is controlled by the govt. There's nothing I can do with that. But I can talk to the American Embassy if things get worse, so I will definitely consider that.

 

I was trying to sleep again last night, since this just happened 3 days ago and I can't sleep. I still have to go to work everyday because I have so many responsibilities and though I'm exhausted at least I have something to keep me busy all day.

 

I keep imagining getting back with him but then when I'm sleeping next to him he tries to kill me. Those images freak me out and I get so scared I can't sleep. Or I imagine that we are happy again and back together and then all of a sudden he tries to choke me or hit me again. And I get scared just imagining him touch me or being to close to me. And I realized that I just can't imagine him in the same way again, or when he gets too near my body just gets tense and scared. I don't think I can love him again, and I am glad I realize this because it helps me think more realistically.

 

I still care about him a lot, and I miss him, but I don't know when he will go crazy again. And then I imagine years of this and I can't accept it. However, I'd still like to be his friend, or try to help him. Is this even possible? Have people been able to still keep in touch with each other even though this happened to them?

[Fallout]

It's not possible. For an abuser to change he/she has to realize they're very wrong in what they did and want to change themselves...which happens once in a blue moon, and it has to come from inside them, you can't "convince" him of it.

 

Don't try to be his friend. He beat you up for crying out loud, what kind of friend beats their friend up? Do you want a friend like that?

 

You need to cut off all contact with him, if you don't he'll just go into his sweet mode like he was until he first beat you, and be the nicest and sorriest guy in the world so he can get you to go back with him...and when you do this whole thing will start again...

[Beyondthesea]

However, I'd still like to be his friend, or try to help him. Is this even possible? Have people been able to still keep in touch with each other even though this happened to them?

 

Do not try to help him or be his friend. I assure you that this will not work. Whenever you are in contact with him, he sees you only as someone he can abuse. You will never be 'equal' to him or able to help him.

 

I saw my ex through numerous counselors, abuse intervention courses, anger management courses, etc. All the while he came home and abused me. Sorry to say, they just don't change. Not only are they very mentally ill, they are also just bad people.

[rmpavlock]

Do not try to be his friend. He will only try to manipulate you and try to get you under his control. He will try everything in the book. He will try to make you feel guilty or sad. He will get angry with you. He will try to apologize, or say that he has changed when he hasn't. You will only feel worse when you talk to him. It's time to stop thinking about him and do something for yourself. You need to separate from him completely and get your life back. Take back control!

[itsallgrand]

I still care about him a lot, and I miss him, but I don't know when he will go crazy again. And then I imagine years of this and I can't accept it. However, I'd still like to be his friend, or try to help him. Is this even possible? Have people been able to still keep in touch with each other even though this happened to them?

 

If you do care about him, you will leave him alone.

 

Honest to God. From his side, you 'trying to be his friend' or 'help him' will be like a slap in the face. Not only will it make him very very angry, it will make him despise you more. He'll get worse.

 

So clearly you can see that being in his life is not helpful to him.

 

And that is not even speaking about what is good for you.

 

Once you have been away from him for longer than a few days, and start to build your confidence back up and your supports, and start to get some decent sleep!, and your eating patterns start to go back to normal, and your adrenaline starts to subside a little bit, and you start to relax and feel happy and safe again......if someone asked you 'will you be his friend?' you'll say "hell no! Friends don't fear of getting beat by friends!"

[SadScot]

Midori I really feel for you, its incredible that we want to stay with someone abusive just because they are capable of being sweet and loving SOME of the time. I speak from experience.

 

Its true that you have done nothing wrong and none of this is your fault. One of the most upsetting things is when we spend time trying to figure out why someone would do that to us.

There is no answer except that they did and they have, and we are much too valuable to endure it a second longer.

 

It is also a sad fact that instead of running away at the first sign of trouble (ie verbal abuse) we think that because we love this person, because we have a powerful connection with them, then that somehow means we can disregard the bad behaviour. We get an apology, that shows they care, and then everything is okay.

 

Except it isn't. These things are never a one-off. Enough about him. He has already done you an unforgiveable amount of damage because you are scared even when he isnt there. That's not right.

 

Time to think about yourself and the bright future you have with him out of your life. Stay away. Read about other experiences (it helped me) . Talk to people. Do anything to support the idea that you are doing the right thing, because you are.

 

Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

[notsurewhatsnext]

Hey--I won't tell you to leave because you will not leave until you are ready-it will probably take you several tries before you finally make the decision to stay away permanently. It takes most women at least seven times. If you are determined to stay with him ( I wish you were not), then try to be careful. Keep an emergency plan in your mind, so you have a place to go if it gets really bad, keep some cash hidden in a spot that you can get to if you have to leave home, and keep your cell phone close by for the police if you need it. Be safe and I am praying for you-hopefully your courage will come soon and you can go, before something really devastating happens.

[Hope75]

Hi Midori,

 

Where are you from?

 

Can you go home to your country, where you might feel safe and be protected by domestic violence laws?

 

The only domestic abuse hotline I could find was in Bejing...

 

The Beijing centre has been operating two women's hotlines (010-64033383, 64073800) for the past decade and has been studying women's issues.

 

We are here for you.

 

Do you live with him? Are you still staying at your friend's house?