girlfriend is single mother

[markfromark]

so my girlfriend is a single mother (child is 5) and I am starting to realize that her child is the number one priority in her life. I guess that is normal or how it is supposed to be and I wonder how other people deal with a problem like this:

 

For example I can get her to go with me on a date maybe only once a month. If I suggest to get a baby sitter for a saturday evening she calls me selfish. I love her child but I noticed that she does not seem to have the desire to spend any quality time with me. Maybe that is normal as well, after all a lot of her time is spent dealing with her kid. I do spend time at her house but of course everything revolves around her kid constantly.

 

There are a lot of stepmoms/stepdads out there and I'd like to know how they are dealing with romance when there kids around all the time.

[rose2summer]

Yes, I think it's great that her child is her #1 priority.

 

The downfall is that you end up feeling neglected.

 

Can't you get alone time when she puts her child to bed?

 

It seems like you are being very patient and I commend you for that.

 

Hugs, Rose

[ImThatGirl]

How long have the two of you been dating? Do you spend alot of time together in general?

[Dako]

so my girlfriend is a single mother (child is 5) and I am starting to realize that her child is the number one priority in her life.

 

 

Sounds normal to me. If I were you, I'd be happy to know she's a normal, loving mother. A single mother can be incredibly attached to her kids, especially one as young as five.

 

I was once friends with a single mother, and her daughter was about 4. I was put off by her lack of care for her daughter.

[Momene]

I'm afraid that for most people, the children always come first, even if you are both the natural parents. Yes, our life as a couple has been diminished by having our daughter but, to me, she is very great and we're crazy about her.

[heloladies21]

This isn't about her kid, this is about her lack of interest in you and it's all because of the way you've been handling the relationship. I've read your previous posts and you sound like one of those typical "nice guys" who are actually nice to the point where you're a doormat, don't stick up for yourself, and have a fake smiley all the time attitude. This is what's making her lose interest in you, because she doesn't respect you and doesn't believe you're ginuine with your emotions. This has happened to you before and will keep happening to you again and again until you're willing to make a change in your views and actions.

[Momene]

I can see my lecture about setting boundaries coming on ...

[rocio]

This isn't about her kid, this is about her lack of interest in you and it's all because of the way you've been handling the relationship. ..............

 

This is what's making her lose interest in you, because she doesn't respect you and doesn't believe you're ginuine with your emotions.

 

My personal opinion is somewhere between this extreme and the other posts.

 

I think this certainly is about her kid. And, although I have no way to be sure, I would expect that she respects you as a person.

 

However, she should have some balance. Yes, her child is her #1 priority, but you are also a priority. All parents need to find the balance between their children, their romantic relationships, and 'me' time. It is only healthy and will, ultimately, make her a better mother.

 

You need to work this out between the two of you.

[markfromark]

you sound like one of those typical "nice guys" who are actually nice to the point where you're a doormat, don't stick up for yourself, and have a fake smiley all the time attitude.

 

... keep happening to you again and again until you're willing to make a change in your views and actions.

 

where is this coming from? And where would I have to start to change my views about what??

[DN]

My personal opinion is somewhere between this extreme and the other posts.

 

I think this certainly is about her kid. And, although I have no way to be sure, I would expect that she respects you as a person.

 

However, she should have some balance. Yes, her child is her #1 priority, but you are also a priority. All parents need to find the balance between their children, their romantic relationships, and 'me' time. It is only healthy and will, ultimately, make her a better mother.

 

You need to work this out between the two of you.

 

I agree with this post. Children are the first priority but not the only priority.

 

You should try talking to her about this. Present it as a problem for both of you to fix and suggest some negotiation and compromise from both of you.

[heloladies21]

I'm right, aren't I?

 

Because this is the typical reaction from a girl dating a nice guy who doesn't stick up for himself. It's very predictable and all over this site, it's just that most people haven't distilled it down to the core elements or misidentify the real reasons for the relationship problems/break ups.

 

As for how to fix, we'd have to get into the specifics of how you handle specific situations and how they should've been handled. As a general rule you need to learn how to speak up/speak your mind. How to do this is also something we'd need to work on as well.

[heloladies21]

 

Like this right here, how did you react to her saying this? Because it was obviously a test to see if you were serious about her and if you had the guts to stick up for what you want. If you wer just silent and supportive, then you failed by default and she assumes you're not for real and not serious about her.

 

Did you ask her, how that would make her family life? How it would be to posibly take the kids with her? What if her husnband had a job in the US strictly, how would that make her feel? There should've been a very indepth discussion about this.

[valiantv]

So is mine, her child is her #1 priority, and IMHO, of course it is! I wouldn't expect it any other way! Fortunately for us, she has a few people willing to babysit for her, and I can always call over to her place when the kid has gone to bed.

 

But for her to call you "selfish" for looking for a babysitter is a bit much, IMHO. And on this point you should stick up for yourself - being constructive, of course, not b!tchy or accusative or selfish.

 

It's all very well to tell someone to stick up for themselves, but if they don't have the skill to do it diplomatically it often ends up making things worse

[Dako]

Mark,

You're no doormat.

A woman raising a child alone is driven to focus on that child in remarkable ways. It's a bond formed before you came along, and no chest thumping will make a wit of difference.

If she's this loyal to her child, consider how loyal she'll become to you if you're with her over time.

 

Calling every guy with a problem a doormat is rude.

[rocio]

I agree with this post. Children are the first priority but not the only priority.

 

You should try talking to her about this. Present it as a problem for both of you to fix and suggest some negotiation and compromise from both of you.

 

What?? Someone agrees with me? That's a first.

 

I'm going to have to change my strategy here. This just can't happen!

 

 

[flower99]

My personal opinion is somewhere between this extreme and the other posts.

 

I think this certainly is about her kid. And, although I have no way to be sure, I would expect that she respects you as a person.

 

However, she should have some balance. Yes, her child is her #1 priority, but you are also a priority. All parents need to find the balance between their children, their romantic relationships, and 'me' time. It is only healthy and will, ultimately, make her a better mother.

 

You need to work this out between the two of you.

 

I totally agree with this (Yep amber another one )And Dako's words

 

There has to be balance, her child is her first priority, but you should be one too.

I don't think it is fair for her to call you selfish for asking for a sitter for an evening. I hope she doesn't actually feel that way.

But as a single working mom, i do understand her hesitation to get one...I feel guilty & selfish getting a sitter when I already work so much and have limited time with my child.

 

So maybe what she is looking for is a man that is ready & willing to join the family as it is... be an 'at home dad'. ie. spend your night at home with her when the child is in bed?? do you do that?

(that's how my finacee & I do it. We have a 'date out' 1 possibly twice a month. It works for us. But it was difficult to find a man that loves & fit perfectly into our family.) Most men aren't ready or wanting to do that & that's totally understandable.

 

But either way there should be balance, alone time just the two of you is healthy & needs to be there. You need to sit her down & talk. Tell her your needs & find out what she wants too.

i think it's wonderful how patient you are & how much you love her daughter... I wish you luck & happiness.

[brando]

The way I see it you hae a better opportunity than a problem. The nights she doesnt want to babysit is a free night for you. GO out have fun and don't worry about it.

 

She is taking care of her child, it is important to her. SHe knows you are their and probably would like to be with you but cant. So if she can't go out, go out yourself. It doesn't mean she cares about you any less. Do not think in these terms, they are all wrong.

 

You too have a life to live without her, so live it. Spend some time with her and her child when she doesn''t want to get a baby sitter, and then go out for yourself.

 

Not such a bad deal in reality.

[DN]

Moderator Note: A reminder to everyone to keep your posts respectful.

[ImThatGirl]

I am a single mother of two children.

 

During the first bit of dating, I finally decided to make arrangements for a babysitter once a week. This wasn't easy but I did it because I really wanted to get to know my bf.

 

Since then, we rarely have time to do things with just the two of us. I get a babysitter when the opportunity arises but it's never regular and sometimes rare. Tis life with children. My bf accepts it and hasn't complained once.

 

If you feel that you must have more "alone" time with her, then talk to her and let her know that you respect that her child is her number one priority but that you'd really like to spend time with each other more often. Request a date night every couple of weeks or once a month.

 

Remember, it's not necessarily feasible to have your child at the babysitter one night a week. I wouldn't do it.

 

My children will only be children for awhile. Before I know it, they won't care or want to spend time with me. I'll be uncool! So, I'm going to take advantage of the time that I'm allowed with them while they are young!

[n83]

Her calling you selfish might be a reflection of how she'd see herself if she did go off with you and hire a babysitter. I am a single mom.. I can see how she feels.. I'm sure she feels like a selfish mother when she wants to leave for a night or get a break sometime. Maybe you could try doing something nice for her AND her child to show them that you care about both of them. Take them both for a movie, or cook them dinner at home, or something like that. The bottom line is, you need to realize that her child is a huge part of her life and that you have to include both of them, not only one of them.

[markfromark]

thanks for all the good info, initially I asked her for one evening a week just for us and she said ok ... but of course it never worked out. From what you told me here it looks like I should be glad to go on a date with her twice a month. We do spend time together but of course it is always with her child, which is fun most of the time but naturally I am not used to a child being around all the time.

Thanks again.

[ImThatGirl]

Mark - I can put myself in your shoes and understand how one day a week seems reasonable to you.

 

I told myself that I would try to make one day a week for just my bf and I and it's just not possible. We spend alot of time with my kids. We have time together after they go to bed and little time here and there to grab a bite to eat and whatnot.

 

I'm sure she feels selfish if trying to make arrangements for her child. For me, I feel like I am responsible for sharing and providing quality time for my children. Yes, I could probably get a babysitter a day each week but that time is very valuable.

 

Any chance you two could go to lunch a couple times a week or something that may not interfere as much? What about inviting another child to visit on the weekend? I often allow my son and daughter to have a friend over every couple of weeks. This way, he is having fun with his friend and I get to have a little bit of uninterrupted conversation with my bf.

[heloladies21]

thanks for all the good info, initially I asked her for one evening a week just for us and she said ok ... but of course it never worked out. From what you told me here it looks like I should be glad to go on a date with her twice a month.

It's interesting that you say this because it really doesn't matter what people say you should be happy with. Since when do youbase your happiness based on what other people tell you tobe happy with? You said you wanted once a week, it's not and unresonable amount of time, end of story.

 

Listen, this is what babysitters are for, and it's not unreasonable to say that for 3-4 hours on a saturday night there's room for some alone time. She's not going to break the bond between her and her children or stunt their development or turn into some prostitute because she takes this time out to attend to her relationship exclusively. She made the decision to start dating and get into a relationship again, that comes with certain responsibilities which includes spending quality/alone time together.

And I still stand by my earlier impression of the situation, if you're unable to stick up for yourself and what YOU want, then there is a fundamental flaw with how you view and handle relationships which needs to be corrected, otherwise your relationships will continue to be unsuccessful.

[ImThatGirl]

He's not allowing people to decide what he should be happy with. He is taking other peoples views (other mothers) and determining that his girlfriend is not much different than others.

 

He knew that she had a child when they first started dating. Some things will make a relationship complicated.

 

One thing that would make me walk from a boyfriend is if he demanded I get a babysitter 4 times a month. Good luck to you Helo if you're ever in this situation.