Husband can't keep eyes of 14 yr old

[faydra]

I don't know if I'm overreacting or not but here is my conflict. My girlfriend and her 14 yr old daughter come over to visit and every time they do my husband (age 65) can't keep his eyes off her and is always following her around. My friend and I (we in our 50s) go outside on the patio to visit (along with another male friend sometimes) and husband will stay inside the house talking to the 14 yr old. If she has to do the dishes he will help her - if she goes into another room he follows her. He makes no attempt when she is here to talk to my friend and they are fairly good friends.

 

I think this is abnormal. What do you thing? Thanks so much for all replies.

[soccer14]

I thkn thats kinda scary. He may jsut want to help her out. But it's kinda weird too.

[melrich]

and husband will stay inside the house talking to the 14 yr old.

 

I think if you have any concerns you should not allow ANY situation where they are alone together. Your instincts may be right, they may be wrong but do not allow temptation to be placed in his path.

[Daddy Bear]

this may or may not be a warning sign of something inappropriate going on in his mind. tell him it looks odd, and don't leave them alone together.

 

eh... why is this girl doing dishes in your house? just curious.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. I agree, keep him away from this girl. this definitely sounds like a cause for concern! is he like this with other young women?

 

don't leave them alone together, and I wouldn't make her do the dishes at your place either.

[New_Horizons]

Are you sure he's not just being 'grandfatherly' to her?

[itsallgrand]

I dunno, but that behavior would set off the 'mother cow' routine in me. I'd be mooing and keeping my eyes on that girl.

 

Have you asked him why he is doing it? It is sort of weird but maybe he is being clueless/harmless?

 

Has your hubby ever done anything in the past that would make you wonder?

[Hope75]

Have you mentioned to your husband that you find his behavior with this child odd? I agree with Melrich- until you get to the bottom of this I would not let the two of them out of your sight when she is over. This could be potentially dangerous.

[rose2summer]

Wow, that's really creepy.

 

I have a friend who married this man. He was the nicest guy on earth, until one day she found some papers in his boxes from the court, that he had molested a child.

 

Needless to say, she got away from him as fast as possible.

 

Sometimes people can create a great fassad, so it may be best to be on the careful side and confront him.

 

You could also enter his name on the National Sex Offender Registry and make sure he has no offences.

www.familywatchdog.us/

 

Hugs, Rose

[faydra]

The daughter does dishes when Mom and her come over for dinner. I have mentioned that this looks like odd behavior to me and possibly the others and then the subject is just dropped. He has done this once before but it was towards a man who he really liked (great - the plot thickens!) I have been leaving them alone and I won't do that anymore. All your advice is helpful.

 

He has exhibited this kind of behavior a couple times in the past. Once toward the guy I mentioned above and toward my neice who is 23.

 

I think he tries to make it like he's being grandfatherly but he just watches her too much. I actually think it's not in a fatherly/grandfatherly way but I think that he wants the other adults to think it is. I'm sure he wouldn't act on this infatuation tho.

 

We've been married 14 years but I feel we've always had a gap or a lack of total communication. When we go to parties you would never guess we were together. There isn't any hand-holding etc in this marriage. It works on a financial/practical basis quite well though.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

nope, a 65 year old man should not be dogging a 14 year old girl and ignoring the other adults in the house... grandfatherly is to offer her a sandwhich, then she goes and watches MTV and he goes and sits down with the other adults...

 

he assaults this girl under your roof, you could lose all your money in a lawsuit, and the girl could be psychologically damaged.

 

tell him to grow up and sit at the ADULT table, and leave the young girl alone. if he still does it, i'd stop having the girl come to the house and risk potential damage to yourself and the girl if he is intent on molesting her. i also wouldn't leave him alone with any other young girls or teenagers til you see what's up with this weird behavior. if it's innocent on his part, he'll stop as soon as you point out to him that it is inappropriate, but he argues with you and gets angry, then i'd watch out...

[AwdreeHpburn]

Faydra - I just want to say, good for you for being concerned and honest. I can imagine that's a little tough to swallow the full truth of what's going on.

 

Has the girl expressed any concern or discomfort?

 

I think his "attraction" is normal enough and whether or not he would act on his thoughts is sort of irrelevant. Especially if the girl is uncomfortable - which I only imagine she is. For her sake and for the possibilities, its good that you are kkeping an eye on her and won't leave them alone together.

 

Thanks for sharing your story with us Faydra - that would have been difficult for me....

[Survictor]

Faydra, I think you pretty much answered your own questions. The subject is dropped because you don't really want to hear the answer maybe? You say you're sure he wouldn't act on this infatuation but don't seem too sure because you are now not going to leave your husband with this young girl.

 

Also, you sound as if you have accepted that your marriage is cold! Why? Don't you miss passion?

 

Anyway, something to think of perhaps.

 

On a serious note. If you do feel he exhibits improper behaviour or demonstrates any sexual behaviour and this might be suggestive remarks or flirting)... it isn't harmless. Be strong. Put a stop to it. You don't like it. Tell him to stop.

 

Wishing you well.

[faydra]

Thanks everyone for your input.

[robowarrior]

Well lets play the lawyer of the devil here. Its just an old guy wanting young poon because that would be far more satisfactory then having sex with his old wife. And don't go telling me that it can't happen, hell even old pastors practise sodomy with young boys,you read about stuff like this in the newspapers all over.

 

If you want to stop this stuff, you'd do best to remove that 14 year old girl out of his life, one way or another.

[Hope75]

I do NOT think it's right if he is seeking sexual gratification in looking at this young girl or at other boys, but I'm also curious why you are satisfied with a marriage that seems only held together for financial reasons.

 

Do you want/desire a sexual relationship? Do you think part of his odd behaviour stems from his lack of a sexual relationship with you?

[faydra]

We do have sex, about once to twice a month which is not a lot. It could be from a lack of good sex I suppose but I don't think so because I think he would act the same way even if he had a lot of sex. Actually, whenever something like this occurs it just draws me farther away from him.

[faydra]

"but I'm also curious why you are satisfied with a marriage that seems only held together for financial reasons."

 

the marriage didn't start out that way - it was never as close as my first marriage was - but it has just come down to be more a marriage of convenience over the last year or two. I'm not going to run out and get a divorce at the first sign of a big problem as I would rather see if we could work it out. Love can develop and grow. I think that "respect" is an issue here also.

[melrich]

It could be from a lack of good sex I suppose but I don't think so because I think he would act the same way even if he had a lot of sex.

 

No, no, no. Don't let anyone get you thinking that this is in any way partly your responsibility (if this is what he is up to). If he is preying on a 14 year old that is totally his conscious decision to do so and you will not be contributing to that.

 

You have been very brave in rasing the matter here.

 

Actually, whenever something like this occurs it just draws me farther away from him.

 

Of course it does.

 

the marriage didn't start out that way - it was never as close as my first marriage was - but it has just come down to be more a marriage of convenience over the last year or two. I'm not going to run out and get a divorce at the first sign of a big problem as I would rather see if we could work it out. Love can develop and grow. I think that "respect" is an issue here also.

 

You sound like a wonderful partner. You should be admired for raising the issue. You should be admired for taking on the responsibility of working on this and your marriage.

 

Over time relationships do evolve into something different from what they started out as.

[HellFrost666]

I agree that it is creepy... But I am wondering (stupid question I know) why does the 14 year old have to do the dishes at your house?

[Hope75]

We do have sex, about once to twice a month which is not a lot. It could be from a lack of good sex I suppose but I don't think so because I think he would act the same way even if he had a lot of sex. Actually, whenever something like this occurs it just draws me farther away from him.

 

I agree with Melrich that is it brave of you to bring this issue up and not run away from him. I am curious, if you have mentioned that you find his behaviour around the girl odd, and if so, what his response was?

[faydra]

I should have left out the example of her doing the dishes. She only does them when her and her mother come over for dinner at our house, about once a month.

 

melrich - thank you for your words - they made me feel better.

[faydra]

Yes I have mentioned it to him before and he really doesn't give a response. I think the first time I said something about it he agreed with me that he should not act that way. This last time I said something he said I didn't know what I was talking about. Yes - that "I" didn't know what "I" was talking about and that he didn't want to hear any more about it.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Yeah, it's abnormal. I wouldn't still be with him. Awful.

[Hope75]

Yes I have mentioned it to him before and he really doesn't give a response. I think the first time I said something about it he agreed with me that he should not act that way. This last time I said something he said I didn't know what I was talking about. Yes - that "I" didn't know what "I" was talking about and that he didn't want to hear any more about it.

 

Perhaps it's time to bring it up again- and tell him this is what you've observed and it's disturbing to you. Has your friend (mother of this girl) mentioned anything to you about it?