married man says he loves me

[cinderelly65]

hi, i really need help with this one. i met this guy a few months back after i broke up with my bf. he was separated from his wife and we ended up spending the night together. i never called him after that night and i saw him drive by my home several times. i heard that he got back together with his wife so i never tried to contact him. i met up with him several weeks ago and he has been coming to my house everyday. he says he is leaving his wife and wantys to spend the future with me. i was afraid that he was just looking for sex so i havent been having sex with him. he still comes around and he says his wife is cheating on him. i'm trying really hard not to get too involved but i have known and liked this guy for quite some time. is it wrong to still see him even if i don't sleep with him?

[Tigris]

Even if you're not sleeping with him his wife will think you are. If she decides to file for a divorce your name could appear on the paperwork. Are you 100% sure he was separated when you slept together or did you just accept his word for it?

 

You're tempting fate by seeing him everyday. Eventually one of you will initiate something. Is that what you're hoping for?

[cinderelly65]

i told him i won't sleep with him until he leaves his wife. i'm questioning if he is really going to leave his wife or not. i have known him and his family for a long time so yeah the first time we met he really was separated.

[Tigris]

Until you see the divorce papers I advise you to limit your time together.

 

Be careful he could be playing games with you.

[annie24]

I agree - until you have seen the divorce papers, seen his new place, and talked to his friends, you do NOT know that he is divorced. Sorry honey, it is the OLDEST line in the book, "I swear, I am leaving my wife...." I know lots of women who were still hearing that story 2 years later.... And even if he says he is separated, you do not know!

 

you need full on proof, otherwise, you will be the woman on the side, not the real girlfriend.

 

my advice is to wait until he is legally separated and even divorced. tell him to call you a few months from now, but I am afraid you will get yourself into a world of hurt if you stay right now.

 

good luck

[rose2summer]

I concur with everyone on here.

 

He is using the oldest trick in the book, "I like you better, I am going to leave my wife, I promise"

 

It's just manipulation to have you as the extra woman on the side, sex or no sex.

 

He is still getting emotional intimacy from you, despite the lack of physical intimacy at the moment.

 

Why allow yourself to be second best, find a man who can cherish you and make you #1 and not the emotional mistress.

 

Hugs, Rose

[coollady1957]

I am also in agreement with the other posts. I really think it would just be asking for trouble if you continue to see him. Even if you are not sleeping with him, I say stay away from him completely would be your best bet.

 

So many people feed others that line about going to leave their spouses. I would be careful not to fall for those promises and lines.

[rocio]

Have you ever heard of an emotional affair? I watch dr.phil every day, so I know all about them (yeah, I know, I'm a bored geek with nothing better to do).

 

Personally, I would prefer that my husband was sleeping with another woman rather than in love with another woman (STI's and icky things aside).

 

How would it make you feel?

[Hope75]

Oh yeah,

 

" I am going to leave my wife for you" is the classic line told by every man to keep an affair going or to begin one. You are smart to be cautious- something in your gut is telling you that you smell dog poo.... because you do.

 

I am a big advocate for a person's actions. I always tell people to pay most attention to the person's actions, because they show where the real intention lies. It's so easy to say words, but much harder to back them up with actions. Where's the proof? He's still with her- he still goes home to her every night.... doesn't look like he's leaving his wife to me...

 

Tell him when he has signed divorce papers, and moved out, to copy them and bring them on over for you to look at, along with a copy of his new lease.

 

If he's serious that his marriage is falling apart and he wants out- he will do that, regardless of if you stick around or not. But if he's not, and he's using lines to get into your pants, you'll figure that out pretty quickly with this tactic too. No proof- no truth.

 

Stick to your guns, sister. If you smell a rat, that's because there is one, and he's putting the moves on you.

[rmpavlock]

How often do you see each other? It sounds like he is taking a big step, from leaving his wife to wanting to spend the future with you. That's a pretty big leap to take, and that just seems very shady to me. If he can make a jump like that, what's to stop him from making another big jump later on?

[freedom]

you are helping him cheat on his relationship with his wife.

you are the 3d person and ou will not be the first.

Do not have anything to do with hiim till he finishes the marriage and had his own time, otherwise you are helping him cheat on his wife. You will end up being the 'cow' that sell other people husbands.

I recogmend leving this married man alone.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i had one guy tell me he was 'separated' when in reality his wife was just away for 3 weeks on a trip to Europe with her family... so it really meant when he said she had 'mostly moved out' was she had packed a suitcase for a vacation! and of course, him saying 'my wife has moved back in again, but i think we're going to divorce soon' meant her vacation was over and she was back again, with no knowledge whatsover of their temporary 'separation' (or any wind of divorce)... LOL!!!

 

and i had another guy tell me he had broken up with his girlfriend, so we started dating, and after a couple weeks of dating, we were watching TV at his house when there was a knock on the door, and he suggested we just ignore it, probably a door to door salesman... then i saw a woman's face peering into the room from outside thru the curtains and both she and i started screaming. apparently his girlfriend had gone to Germany for 4 weeks to take care of her sick mother, so he was liberally interpreting her absense as a 'breakup', and she was just interpreting it as visitiing her sick mother and coming home to her boyfriend again!

 

i also knew a man i worked with who told women he was 'separated', while maintaining an apt. separate from his family that his wife had no idea existed... he rarely spent time there, usually only long enough to 'prove' to women he wanted to cheat with that he was separated, then he'd immediately start spending his free time (when not with wife) at the girlfriend's house and the sham apt. sat unused most of the time... one of his girlfriends who got pregnant and had his baby was very surprised to discover she had a private detective filming her house, and a *videotape* shot by the detective of them being amorous together, followed by a subpoena from his divorce case.

 

so his wife had no idea she was 'separated' from her husband at all, until her young 3 year old daughter who had been out with daddy one day mentioned that she and daddy went to visit a woman, and the woman had a baby!!! (enter the private detective with videocam to check this out!)..

 

apparently the girlfriend with the newborn had been pressuring him to spend more time with her and the baby, and he didn't think a child that young would pay much attention to the 'friend' they visited or talk about it to the mother, or that he could tell his wife the kid had 'imaginery friends' they visited... anyway, the girlfriend got slammed with subpoena's as being the husband's 'paramour' during the marriage, and they even subpoenaed the child's birth certificate to prove he was sleeping around and lying to both the wife AND the girlfriend about his marital status. wife thought he was always busy working or travelling, girlfriend thought he and the wife had an 'amicable' separation where he just spent a lot of time at the 'kids' house because he was being a good dad who felt he needed to spend lots of time 'alone' with his children from his 'prior' (tho really current!) marriage. end of story is wife took husband to the cleaners in the divorce and got tons of child support, alimony for life, and a huge settlement because he was shown to be such a wrongdoer, and man was so bitter about being cleaned out in the divorce that he of course did not marry the mother of his illegitimate child because he never wanted to get divorced again. (and i imagine the baby mamma was pretty bitter herself too, because she thought she was dating a 'separated' man well on the way to divorce, with no expectation of being the *cause* of the divorce and ending up needing her own lawyer to represent her to prove she was not helping husband hide/steal marital assets during that marriage)!!

 

so ALWAYS take 'separated' with a huge grain of salt, in fact, a whole salt shaker's worth, or even a 5 lb. bag, because men who want to cheat know most women are not thrilled about dating a married man and are very reticent to start an affair, but 'separated' or 'going to separate' and 'we have a future together' are the magic words that open a women's heart and arms etc.!

 

don't buy anything this guy tells you or let him into your life, until you go to the courthouse to see if he REALLY separated or divorced, those are public records filed at the courthouse... also very interesting reading, because you will discover whether it is an amicable divorce, or the guy is a big cheater, always good to know the other side of the story... and there are a million miles between 'going to separate' and 'divorced', and a million lies between them too... good luck, and spend your time with truly available men, not men living in the marital twilight zone...

[Heisinmyheart]

I think your best bet would be to - run and run fast. And don't look back. You will realize in time that you did the right thing.

[Momene]

Common myths:

 

The cheque is in the post

 

Of course you'll be kept in the next round of company cutbacks

 

I'll leave my wife

[valiantv]

is it wrong to still see him even if i don't sleep with him?

Afraid so... if you consider sleeping with him to be wrong...

 

If you don't mind the emotional risks of being his bit on the side, then work away, but don't think that refusing to sleep with him makes it any more moral or whatever, you're still his reason for his betrayal of his wife, even if you refuse to kiss him. You might as well sleep with him if it's what you both want, but keep in mind there is as good a chance as not that you are not his #1, no matter what he says.

 

Not sure how long you've been seeing each other, but it's very possible that he is going through a phase of lust for another woman, and in a few months the novelty will wear off and he will feel renewed love for his wife.

 

If this happens you might feel justified in telling his wife to punish him for breaking your heart, but does his wife deserve it? Does she deserve the pain of a cheating husband? And do you want to be complicit in that cheating? Do they have kids?

 

I agree with everyone who's posted so far. It's a very old cliche that married men promise to leave their wives, and while a few might actually do it, most don't. Understand and accept that you are probably just a bit on the side, or find your own man.