Who Should Pay/ How Much

[hope123]

Hi

 

I have a question..i have been with my b/f for over a year...and usually in the beginning i think a guy pays for a lot...the dates that include movies and restaurants etc etc...a few months back my b/f said we needed to cut back a little on going out every single time we saw each other--which was like 2-3 times a week...i understood and said it was fine...whenever i was really hungry after school and work and it was like 8:30 or 9 pm--and if i got something myself to go--he would pay for it...one time like a month ago he mentioned i shouldn't have to pay if its only you getting something..even though he has done it soo many times..even if i offered you know, he paid...the past few times he has done this now...a couple of nights ago i said i was really hungry and when we reached the diner(he wasn't hungry) he said do you want me to come in with you or wait here...obviously hinting he was not paying for it...i kind of looked at him and felt weird suddenly and was just like--you know what-- lets just go to the grocery market and i will get something there..i pick out soup and bread..and when i go to take out my wallet he says i can pay for your soup..and i just flat out said--you weren't going to pay for a wrap at the diner..so i can pay for my own soup...

would this bother anyone else..how all of a sudden his actions have changed?I know if we both go out to the movies or to dinner--he will pay..but obviously it wont be that often since he said it had be cut back on.

I don't want to sound spoiled or anything..but would anyone else feel a little weird if their b/f all of a sudden started doing that? It makes me feel like--ok now that he has me--he doesnt have to do those things anymore. And i dont wanna start a fight over this and say--PAY..i would rather just eat the soup at this point. I also have a partime job whereas he has a full time job.

[melrich]

If it were me, I wouldn't just keep paying and paying and paying. At some point I would have expected the other person to say "it's my turn to start paying for a few things" if they didn't I'd stop paying.

 

I think your b/f gave you the hint when he said we need to stop going out so much. It was turning him broke.

[robowarrior]

A couple shares its burden, you see a guy pays for you to express his love. But you also have to understand that there is a limit to his financial strenght and i think you should also buy things for him to show your love goes both ways. In order to achieve financial stability you should realise that constantly going out and leeching on his income brings him into financial problems. Going out 2-3 a week to a restaurant/movies is a very expensive undertaking.

 

For you of course this means a step back in terms of happyness, hell if someone constantly paid for my expenses and then suddenly said she would quit, it wouldn't make me happy either. But you have to be realistic, how many couples do you know that go so many times to a restaurant as you do? Probably not much, because they understand the word 'measure', there's a financial shoe size that you need to fit within. If you are expending more of his money then he is earning it means your living over the top of his resources, sending him into poverty.

 

Now i know money and stability is important in a relationship. But i also know that its not how much he earns what is important, but how much that he has left. Please understand that the poor bastard has only so much money in his pocket and if everything goes wasted on restaurants/dinners/movies nothing is left.

 

You have to be like a shepard here. The shepard sells a few of his sheeps to keep him alive, but always keeps some sheep left to reproduce and make baby sheeps in order to preserve the future.

 

What you want to do with your guy is to preserve the future, and you do this by not sending him into a financial disaster. Take a step back in expenses and share the burden. That's more realistic.

[FCTex]

I'm with melrich on this one...

 

I've gone through the same thing, and been on both sides.

 

My ex had alot of money, and her and her parents would pay for everything. I paid for alot when we'd go out, and things were really even in terms of dinner.

 

My current girlfriend, loves to go out, and I do too. I treat her to nice dinners, and can drop an easy $40-80 on a meal for the two of us sometimes.

 

BUT. It gets old fast.. I drive everywhere usually(gas), I pay for the meal, and I pay for this and that..

 

It breaks me.. Literally hundreds a week to go out with her. Between, gas, valet, dinner, movie/activities, and accessories.. She could definitely hit me for 100-170 a night.. On top of what I already spend on her, picking her up things when I'm out, and ect.. It doesn't bother a guy to spend money to show affection and care.. But it's another to abuse that because it's been done in the past.

 

I told her we'd have to stop going out so much, maybe once a week, or twice.. And that we couldn't eat high on the hog like we usually do..

 

She pays more now, and while it's still not even.. If I don't want to pay(or can't).. I just tell her I won't go, or I'm not hungry.. or that we'll have to eat some place cheap.. to which she replies..

 

"I'll buy tonight..."

 

Basically, etheir you start paying more of the bill.. Offer too, before the check comes.. infact, offer to 'treat' him to dinner one night before leaving anywhere. Don't wait and stare at the check, and then offer, becuase it's obvious you don't want to pay for it.

[dogheadma]

Once you have established an exculsive commitment things should be paid for 50/50 unless one of you offers. That's in my opinion. The thing that dosen't seem right here is he implied he wouldn't pay for your meal at the diner and then offered to pay for the soup. That's confusing. I think he thought (I'm just guessing) that him paying for the soup was ok because it was less expensive than the diner. But he didn't say that. He also didn't say definitely one way or the other whether or not he wished to pay for your meal. You guys will have to discuss it and set a standard that you both agree on as far as who is paying for what and when.

[renaissancewoman101]

When I was dating my ex, I paid for stuff that was expensive, like our travels or expensive dinners out. He paid for smaller things (like smaller meals and sometimes my gas). He didnt drive, but he would occasionally cook for me. Also when I went to visit him, his mother would have a meal ready for me when I showed up and I stayed over a lot.

 

Sometimes, it really isnt the money to make it even. If your SO is willing to make the effort and pull his/her weight around, then paying for food may not be a big deal. My ex took care of me, watched out for me, so paying for food wasnt a big deal.

[NJRon]

There seems to be an impasse.

 

He needs to know that you are willing to pay and be willing to accept it when you offer. You need to know that, at some point in the relationship, it needs to be more mutual.

 

Instead of going out to movies, stay in and watch a video. Order pizza... have it ready when he arrives.. or cook... etc.

 

It's not a question of "having you now" and so he is backing off... it's just finances. You can either see each other 2-3 times a week.. scale back and be more mutual.. or tell him you only want to see him once every week or so, since that's all he can afford... your choice.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

a couple of nights ago i said i was really hungry and when we reached the diner(he wasn't hungry) he said do you want me to come in with you or wait here...obviously hinting he was not paying for it...i kind of looked at him and felt weird suddenly and was just like--you know what-- lets just go to the grocery market and i will get something there..i pick out soup and bread..and when i go to take out my wallet he says i can pay for your soup..and i just flat out said--you weren't going to pay for a wrap at the diner..so i can pay for my own soup...

 

Okay, so you are aggravated that he didn't want to pay for the wrap at the diner but would pay for the less expensive soup. On the other hand, you didn't seem to keen on paying for the more expensive wrap either, because the minute you realized he wasn't going to foot the bill, you decided to go for the cheaper option! Sounds like a double standard to me. I unfortunately see a lot of women like that who expect the man to pay for everything but the minute they have to pay for something, they are looking for the cheapest thing possible. You may earn less than him, but it is unfair for him to pay all the time. In fact, you should be treating him once in a while and should be going 50/50 most of the time.

[renaissancewoman101]

I guess I am different than most women. I dont like it if a man pays for me. I rather pay my own way, or else pay for the guy. I like treating people well and that also means treating them out to eat. I have always been like that, sometimes to my own detriment. I dont think there are many women like me though.

[Batya33]

I guess I am different than most women. I dont like it if a man pays for me. I rather pay my own way, or else pay for the guy. I like treating people well and that also means treating them out to eat. I have always been like that, sometimes to my own detriment. I dont think there are many women like me though.

 

Hmm - I can be like that too but I wonder if that is because I don't want to be indebted to or dependent on another person rather than liking the treating (I hope it is the latter reason and believe it is but, hmmmm)

 

To the OP: My boyfriend insists on treating me most of the time - he rarely lets me pay. Since we have been together for over a year, I want it to be closer to 50/50 but I don't like splitting the bill (feels too impersonal - he doesn't like that either). I do a number of things to even things out. First, I suggest inexpensive places and/or eating at home (typically my home and almost always, I pay). If we do movies/dinner I buy the tickets in advance so he can't pay. If we go to dinner twice in a weekend I insist on paying for one of the dinners (sometimes the less expensive one so that he will let me pay but sometimes not).

 

The bottom line is - you two should find a comfortable way of dealing with this - get into a routine - whatever works for both of you - taking turns, going out a bit less, going out inexpensively. Communicate about it in a calm direct way, and then hopefully you can work something out that works for both of you where it doesn't keep coming up. I empathize with him because he is right - it's been a long time and he cannot afford to keep treating you. Try to put the "taking it personal" aside unless there are other ways you feel things have changed in a "taking you for granted" kind of way. I am not saying that not wanting to pay is negative treatment or taking you for granted - it is not on its own an indication of that but if there are other signs of it it may be part of a transition. Talk to him.

[hope123]

My b/f has a cool car right now--gets a lot of attention etc--there is always something wrong with it b/c it is older--recently he said he was thinking of selling it before it gets worse and get something else--and today he said he was looking at convertibles--and then i said are you thinking of getting this without even selling the other one first and he says maybe--how can someone say--we cant go out and or there--but is able to buy that car--i asked him i thought you had no money and he just said well a payment plan would be the answer...but it really frustrates me how he is getting this car that will probably give him a lot of attention--but yet we still cant eat out as much as we used too and that he is becoming a little different and pretty much hinting i should pay more.

[rocio]

It really depends on you and what kind of relationship you feel comfortable in.

 

Some girls like to pay for themselves all the time. Some girls like to even pay for their guy all the time. Some girls (like myself) like to feel spoiled and have the guy pay.

 

You should be in a relationship where you are comfortable. If you feel like he's taking you for granted then there is a problem.

[NJRon]

It's his money... it still has no impact on the fact that you two should be sharing expenses... his entire portfolio of liquid assets should not be at your disposal.

 

That said... sit back and see what he decides to do. It's not your decision.

[RayKay]

"Paying" someones way is not a mandatory deal. It can be a gesture, it can sometimes also be an element of control, and sometimes it seems to become an obligation.

 

As to how you split things, well depends on all the circumstances of you two, including disposable incomes, living arrangements and so on. On my first date with my boyfriend we ended up going 50/50 as we spent more than planned (it turned into a longer night than expected!), and since then we basically do take turns. We also now live together as we bought a home, and I returned to school, so we split things differently again, and we also tend to do "thrifty" dates these days due to the house and me being a student!

 

Just because he makes money, does not mean there is lots to throw around for example, or that he is not saving it, or that it is even FAIR to be the one paying all or most of time either.

[melrich]

It's his money... it still has no impact on the fact that you two should be sharing expenses... his entire portfolio of liquid assets should not be at your disposal.

 

 

Exactly. It's his money. If you want to go out more for dinner, start paying. If chooses to save and buy himself a new car that's fair enough, it's obviously more important to hm than eating out. He has a right to spend his money where he wants to surely.

[hope123]

Hey--completely off the topic of the money--i can see your point..but i guess hearing him say it just automatically made me feel that way--b/c i hear him say these bills are eating me alive as i am eating soup that nite--and then talk of a convertible--it was just my natural reaction i guess..

 

Do you think its a bad sign when a b/f gets another attention grabbing car--probably sounds insecure and no matter how much he says he hates when people ask--what kind of car is this currently etc etc--i really believe apart of him has to like it. Who doesnt like attention i guess you can say.

[melrich]

I don't think guys get these sort of cars for that reason. I am not a car nut but I think most guys are into gadgets/boy's toys of one sort or another. I think you would find that the car is much more about him than the attention it will get from other people (though that may be a by-product he enjoys).

[NJRon]

Yeah, I would echo Melrich here. I like my truck because I like my truck. When someone compliments it, that's nice... but the fact is, I like it for me. I can understand your natural reaction... but, I sense that you are taking it personally... it may not be directed toward you at all.

 

Maybe he likes eating soup. Maybe you two should discuss some priorities here and see how you will both... *together*... meet them.

[hope123]

He didn't have the soup--only i did..i forgot what he had--it was just a point i was trying to make..

 

Then what is with that cliche of using the car to pick up girls/get their attention etc ...now he will have 2 of these types of cars--i don't know..my natural reaction to it seems to be sticking..please help

[NJRon]

Same cliche as the pushup bra? Are they comfy? I know my truck is.

[caro33]

I guess I am different than most women. I dont like it if a man pays for me. I rather pay my own way, or else pay for the guy. I like treating people well and that also means treating them out to eat. I have always been like that, sometimes to my own detriment. I dont think there are many women like me though.

 

Agree. I always pay my way - take it in turns to pay the whole dinner, etc. I also like to treat people, and hate feeling indebted. To be honest, I am horrified that there is still any belief from First World women that they are entitled to be paid for for everything by the man, merely because of their gender. Paying for each other as a sign of love, or because one person has less money, is one thing, but to assume he is there at your financial beck and call just because he is your boyfriend? My god.

 

And even if you and he are okay with him paying, because he has more earning power, or because he has some super-chivalry chip on his head, to be presumptuous about what he'll spend on you is really off-putting. hope darling, it's all a gift, not a right. There are no 'entitlements' until you are also bringing something to the relationship (like staying at home to raise children) and you guys have agreed this is the arrangement.

[rocio]

There are no 'entitlements' until you are also bringing something to the relationship (like staying at home to raise children) and you guys have agreed this is the arrangement.

 

Wait, so I should be a housewife in order to be eligible for a boyfriend who enjoys treating me to dates?

 

That is just sooo twisted.

[scarew]

Same cliche as the pushup bra? Are they comfy? I know my truck is.

 

LOL! Yah real comfy.

 

Hope, he sounds fixated on the fact that you might be taking him for granted. In the beginning of the relationship he would pay for everything without thinking about it. He probably started to feel like you were just expecting it. Maybe you were. Maybe you just didn't say thank you as much as he likes to hear. I would take the others advice and just start being more financially independent. Don't be spiteful though. Just say "I'm hungry I'm going inside the diner to get a wrap. Do you want anything?" If he reaches for his wallet just say, "I got it sweetie" and hussle inside. Do this a few times and he will start to like paying for you again. Then maybe you guys can find a medium.

 

Some guys like to pay for EVERYTHING. But alot of guys like 50/50. With women's rights and all...

 

Good luck!

[caro33]

Wait, so I should be a housewife in order to be eligible for a boyfriend who enjoys treating me to dates?

 

That is just sooo twisted.

 

No that's not what I'm saying, I said that it's great and fine if people do this as a gesture of affection, or because of different earning power. I AM saying that for one person to fundamentally believe that the other person will pay for everything the couple does PURELY because of gender is a bit rough.

 

I did not say 'eligible' I used the word 'entitled', meaning, one believes they have an unalienable RIGHT to have their financial needs fully taken care of by the other person. And yes, I do think that that situation is fair only where each brings something to the relationship that the other doesn't, and my example of what the non-money person might bring is raising the family. Use any example you like, but I am talking a fair trade here, not one person having a free ride because they think 'but I'm the girl'.

 

I know of a couple where the woman made more money than the guy she was dating, and still expected for everything to be paid for by the guy. And he was happy to do this for a while, but when he realised that she EXPECTED she could do whatever she liked - with no regard to cost or convenience for him - and that he would pick up the tab, he got pretty unhappy. This is the kind of situation I am reacting to.

[rocio]

I did not say 'eligible' I used the word 'entitled', meaning, one believes they have an unalienable RIGHT to have their financial needs fully taken care of by the other person.

 

Okay but this girl is talking about her boyfriend paying for soup, not paying her rent and bills!

 

And yes, I do think that that situation is fair only where each brings something to the relationship that the other doesn't, and my example of what the non-money person might bring is raising the family. Use any example you like, but I am talking a fair trade here, not one person having a free ride because they think 'but I'm the girl'.

 

I mean, right now I have a job and my bf in is school, so I'm always sending him money to pay his tuition. However, when we go on a date he always pays. Sometimes I even give him $100 if he's broke, and then he pays! I know it sounds silly, but it's the idea. I like to know that he appreciates me enough to be willing to take me out and spoil me. I need to know that whatever money he does have, I'm enough of a priority for him to want to spend a little bit on me every once in a while.

 

And finally, the work that a housewife does (or a working mom) is of so much more value than what she gets out of it, in most cases. It is not fair trade. I believe, especially in our 'advanced FIRST WORLD', where most women work fulltime and are also fulltime moms and wives, that the idea of fair trade is a joke. Women do soooo much unpaid, unnoticed work over our lives and we deserve a guy who is going to appreciate that. Whether it is by taking us out for dinner or through some other means, it's important to feel special, pampered, and appreciated.

 

That's all this poster was looking for. She's not a golddigger and she wasn't asking him to buy her a car!